Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and
Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their
own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life-
preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has
effected valuable services to his country by the
preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour
he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic
and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy
ladies, a curer of incurables, and has recently published
one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been
laid before the public, embellished with two portraits:
which of the two is most interesting must be left to the
discrimination of those who view them. It must however be
acknowledged, that after reading the following extract,
ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since,
notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of
Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that "in future no improper
person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in
consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately"--the
one an M.D. the other F.R.C. Surgeons, particularly if it
were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons
alluded to. For, what says the Memoir?

"The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully
established, and its ingenuity universally admired, it
excited the interest of the first characters among the
nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly
offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous
communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with
the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the
honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly
appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to
confer upon him the honour of knighthood.

"Thus it is pleasing, in the distribution of honours by the
hand of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on
real merit. This is the true intention of their origin; but
it has been too often departed from, and they have been
given where no other title existed than being the friend of
those who had influence to gain the Royal ear. From the
above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred
on Sir Francis by his Majesty for an invention, which has
saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and
which may be considered as having given the original idea to
the similar inventions that have been attempted since that
time. Its utility and importance we have also seen
acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading Societies in
this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. the Royal Humane,
and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only
recognizing merit which had been previously established; and
the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual,
was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and
handsome manner, without any other influence being used by
Sir Francis than simply preferring the claim."

Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed; and as the
Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized
together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without
exclaiming--Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after
this liberal and hand-some manner of being rewarded? or why
an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of
which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be
misunderstood? This is but doing things by halves, though no
such an observation can be applied to the proceedings of
Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Munro, and Co. (being well
explained) means two or three persons, viz. a black, a white
man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight--a barber by trade, and
a skinner by company--a dealer in mercurials--a puff by
practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of
his prototype--a practitioner in panygyric--the puff direct--
the puff preliminary--the puff collateral--the puff
collusive--and the puff oblique, or puff by implication.
Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is
perhaps not so easy to ascertain; but as birds of a feather
like to flock together, so these medical Knights in
misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column,
although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a
Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same
spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of
medicine.

Among the various improvements of these improving times, for
we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned
little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for
the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where
person and property might be insured at so much per annum,
and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution
would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with
years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand
grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it
would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly
medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard
case.

But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of him
as we go along."

They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight,
species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departed
on their road towards Temple Bar,--on passing through which, they were
overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured
horse, with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and
immediately renewed the previous conversation.

"There he goes again," said Sparkle, "and a rare fellow he is too."

"I should think so," said Bob; "he must have quacked to some good
purpose, to obtain the honour of knighthood."

~108~~"Not positively that," continued Sparkle; "for to obtain and to
deserve are not synonymous, and, if report say true, there is not much
honour attached to his obtaining it.

"----In the modesty of fearful duty,

I read as much as from the rattling tongue
Of saucy and audacious eloquence:
Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity,
At least speak most to my capacity."

And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself,
or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely to
be least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real and
evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be
long in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most
usually the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation.
But many a meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his
miserable existence, too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while
others, with scarcely more brains than a sparrow, by persevering in
a determination to leave no stone unturned to make themselves appear
ridiculous, as a first step to popularity; and having once excited
attention, even though it is merely to be laughed at by the thinking
part of mankind, he finds it no great difficulty to draw the money out
of their pockets while their eyes are riveted on a contemplation of his
person or conduct. And there are not wanting instances of effrontery
that have elevated men of little or no capacity to dignified situations.
If report say true, the present Secretary of the Admiralty, who is
admirable for his poetry also, was originally a hair-dresser, residing
somewhere in Blackfriar's or Westminster-road; but then you must
recollect he was a man who knew it was useless to lose a single
opportunity; and probably such has been the case with Sir Daniel
Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, making a blaze
upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife with a red
face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, and
afterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a
Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get
through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks,
not a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have
we here?" finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased after
passing Temple Bar.

"Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability," said
Tom--"I'll step forward and see." And in passing through the numerous
body of persons that crowded on every side, the whole party was
separated. Bob, who had hung a little back while his two friends rushed
forward, was lingering near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned by
a man across the way, to whom he immediately went.

"Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir?
I have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap--for money
must be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled
goods, of the best quality and richest pattern." During this opening
speech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway of
Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him
by the arm--"Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself off
instantly, I'll put you in custody," shaking his stick at the other.

All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived the
poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled
to dispose of his article for subsistence.

"Ha, ha, ha," cried Sparkle, "I see you know nothing about them: these
are the locusts of the town." At this moment they were joined by the
Hon. Tom Dashall.

"Egad!" continued Sparkle, "I just saved your Cousin from being
trepanned, and sent for a soldier."

Tallyho appeared all amazement.

"What," cried Tom, "in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has a
fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into
Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars."

"Ha! ha! ha!" replied Sparkle, "not exactly so; but I rescued him from
the hands of a Buffer,{1} who would

1 Buffers miscalled Duffers--Persons who adopt a species of
swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it
is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its
derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of
carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of
various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon
making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come
at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or
buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers.
This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a
genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house,
and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to
sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by
offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice
to discover the proper objects for their arts.

Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense
of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best
advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the
police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common
honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade
any person that the article offered is actually better or
cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than
every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes
to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the
mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of
their goods, which are always, according to their account,
of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar
facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom
walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air,
they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on
sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving
a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be
implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to
both parties. By these means persons from the country are
frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their
goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are
almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will
not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some
gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his
money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper,
in the course of their dealings.

~110~~doubtless have fleeced him in good style, if he could only have
induced him to attend to his story."

"The mob you see collected there," said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, "is
attracted by two circumstances--Money's new Coronation Crop, just
lanched--and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a
snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the
elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman
seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands,
for he has two or three plasters on his face."

"Yes," continued Sparkle, "he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a
turn-up, and been knock'd down."

Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into
the particulars.

"Why the facts are simply as follows," continued

1 Spree--A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark.

~111~~Sparkle--"in London, as you perceive, tradesmen are in the habit
of exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they are
engaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door with three gold balls--the
Barber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date)
hangs out a long pole--the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in the
act of striking--the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius--the
Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of late it has become customary
for these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a wooden
figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, or
High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters; and
a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at a
neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with this
gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrel
ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of his
countryman--floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did him
considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible;
and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endeavouring to
console him under his sufferings."

"Very kind of him, indeed," replied Bob.

"At any rate," said Tom, "the Tobacconist will have occasion to be
grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity."

1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true,
that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both
fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said
that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated
Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters,
introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he
was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it,
and inquired where he obtained it?--"Why, at Hardham's, to
be sure." And to this apparently trifling circumstance,
Hardham was indebted for his fortune.

The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear
by a perusal of the following fact:--

A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an
eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman
Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner,
it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he
had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was
struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a
Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12,
Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a
Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his
countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called
him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his
affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force
him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of
his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander
had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his
neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his
living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr.
Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the
Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily
sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every
reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he
stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan
produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who
excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation
of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as
to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his
functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The
Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen
guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for
the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would
not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the
absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear,
he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not
have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it
at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a
day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his
attractions.

There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman
Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the
best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their
return the complainant reported that the gentleman had
agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one.

Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner,
recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a
niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper
memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him.

The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old
station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend
he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his
occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his
friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box
actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in
the most obliging and condescending manner--a mark of
politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful
attention.

"Come," said Sparkle, "we are now in one of the principal thoroughfares
of the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much,
and is at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious
persons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees,
and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of
Real Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the
rich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in
the West in the morning, to attend the money-getting, ~113~~commercial
men of the City, and transact their business.--The dashing young
spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or
to sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting
their time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for
the benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's
decease, to get rid of it--nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of
doing this before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having
lived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in
violation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to
every thing that is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of
high spirit; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot
bear to be confined; and though he may not intend to mount his nag,
stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the
boot forms an accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces
of a fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact
with the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all
which he fancies he is keeping" up the dignity and importance of his
character. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without
convincing the spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor
twist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without
displaying to the best advantage his beautifully chased ring and
elegantly painted snuff-box lid; nor can the hour of the day be
ascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearing
its fascinating music: then the fanciful chain, the precious stones
in golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in true
heraldic taste and naivete. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that

"Care to our coffin adds a nail,
But every grin so merry draws one out,"

he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give
correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a
dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion
in a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain
an early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but
attends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth
reading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours
and experience of ~114~~men of letters--no, but to quiz the cognoscenti,
and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his strongly
perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in
use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a
coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to
enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but
to ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at
them--to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority--to
contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare,
upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope
never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice.
He considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an
appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight
to talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends--to pick
up a Cyprian at mid-day--to stare modest women out of countenance--to
bluster at a hackney-coachman--or to upset a waterman in the river, in
order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero.

"He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic
comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious
fancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and
loveliness; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability
about the fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard;
and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of
serious notice but his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a
young Citizen."

"Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of
Society," said Dashall.

"My drawings are made from nature," continued Sparkle.

"Aye, and very naturally executed too," replied Tom. Having kept walking
on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane,
at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel
for sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from
thence into the main street in evident alarm.

"Come up, d----n your eyes," said an ill-favoured fellow with an
immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden

1 Quid--A. Guinea.

115~~with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him most
unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possible
the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post,
rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relieving
himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of
brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near
her, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards
Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many
persons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the
direction for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing,
and the running of the drovers in pursuit--men, women, and children,
scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast--the noise and
rattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the
vociferations of the donkey-driver to recover his neddy--together with a
combination of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying
their articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations--formed
a contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily to
be described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death
brat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady
whose garments were as white as snow--there, a Barber had run against
a Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from
his apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in
perfect unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but
which were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow
of nuts, overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the
scrambling boys and girls--a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his
conscience he had losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him
in all his lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers--a Sailor called
him a gallows _half-hung ould crimp_,{1} d----d his