Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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REAL LIFE IN LONDON

OR, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ., AND HIS COUSIN, THE
HON. TOM DASHALL, THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OF
FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE

By an AMATEUR

"'Tis pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat To peep at such a
world; to see the stir Of the great Babel, and not feel the crowd."
--Cowper

[Illustration: titlepage1]

EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF

COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED

BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON,

ROWLANDSON, ETC.

VOLUME I

A NEW EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LONDON

NOTE

This Issue, first published in 1905, is founded on the Edition printed
for Jones & Co. in the year 1821

[Illustration: frontispiece]

[Illustration: titlepage]

CONTENTS:

Chapter I.

Seduction from rural simplicity, page 2. Pleasures of the
table, 3. Overpowering oratory, 4. A warm dispute, 5.
Amicable arrangement, 6.

Chapter II.

Philosophical reflections, 7. A great master, 8. Modern
jehuism, 9. A coach race, 10. A wood-nymph, 11. Improvements
of the age, 12. An amateur of fashion, 13. Theatrical
criticism, 14. Reflections, 15.

Chapter III.

Hyde Park, and its various characters, 16. Sir F----s B----
tt, 22, Delightful reverie, 23.

Chapter IV.

Fresh game sprung, 24. Lord C----e, alias Coal-hole George,
25. Rot at Carlton Palace, 28. Once-a-week man, 29. Sunday
promenader, 30. How to raise the wind, 31. Lord Cripplegate
and his Cupid, 32. Live fish, 33. Delicacy, 34. A breathless
visitor, 35.

Chapter V.

A fashionable introduction, 36. A sparkling subject, 37. The
true spur to genius, 38. An agreeable surprise, 39. A
serious subject, 40. A pleasant fellow, 41. Lively gossip,
42. Living in style, 43. Modern good breeding, 45. Going to
see "you know who," 46.

Chapter VI.

Early morning amusements, 47. Frightening to death, 48.
Improvements of the age, 49. Preparing for a swell, 50. The
acme of barberism, 51. A fine specimen of the art, 52. Duels
by Cupid and Apollo, 53. Fashionable news continued, 54. Low
niggardly notions, 55. Scenes from Barber-Ross-a, 56. A snip
of the superfine, 59. The enraged Managers, 60. Cutting out,
and cutting up, 61. The whipstitch mercury, 62. All in the
wrong again, 63. A Venus de Medicis, 64. Delicacy alarmed,
65.

Chapter VII.

Preparing for a ramble, 66. A man of the town, 67. Bond
Street, 68. A hanger on, 70. A man of science, 71. Dandyism,
72. Dandy heroism, 74. Inebriety reproved, 75. My uncle's
card, 76. St. James's Palace, 77. Pall Mall-Waterloo Place,
etc., 79. An Irish Paddy, 80. Incorrigible prigs, 81. A hue
and cry, 82. A capture, 83. A wake, with an Irish howl, 84.
Vocabulary of the new school, 85. Additional company, 87.

Chapter VIII.

Public Office, Bow Street, 88. Irish generosity, 89. A bit
of gig, 90. "I loves fun," 91. A row with the Charleys, 92.
Judicial sagacity, 93. Watch-house scenes, 94. A rummish
piece of business, 95. The Brown Bear well baited, 96.
Somerset House, 97. An importunate customer, 99.
Peregrinations proposed, 100.

Chapter IX.

The Bonassus, 101. A Knight of the New Order, 102. Medical
quacks, 103. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 105. Superlative
modesty, 106. Hard pulling and blowing, 107. Knightly
medicals, 108. Buffers and Duffers, 109. Extremes of
fortune, 110. Signs of the Times, 111. Expensive spree, 112.
The young Cit, 113. All in confusion, 115. Losses and
crosses, 116. Rum customers, 117. A genteel hop, 118. Max
and music, 119. Amateurs and actors, 120. A well-known
character, 121. Championship, 122. A grand spectacle, 123.
Adulterations, 124. More important discoveries, 125. Wonders
of cast-iron and steam, 126. Shops of the new school, 127.
Irish paper-hanging, 128.

Chapter X.

Heterogeneous mass, 129. Attractions of the theatre, 130.
Tragedy talk, 131. Authors and actors, 132. Chancery
injunctions, 133. Olympic music, 134. Dandy larks and
sprees, 135. The Theatre, 136. Its splendid establishment,
137. Nymphs of the saloon, 138. Torments of love and gout,
139. Prostitution, 140. A shameful business, 141. Be gone,
dull care, 142. Convenient refreshment, 143. A lushy cove,
144. The sleeper awake, 145. All on lire, 146. A short
parley, 147.

Chapter XI.

Fire, confusion and alarm, 148. Snuffy tabbies and boosy
kids, 149. A cooler for hot disputes, 150. An overturned
Charley, 151. Resurrection rigs, 152. Studies from life,
154. An agreeable situation, 155. A nocturnal visit to a
lady, 156. Sharp's the word, 157. Frolicsome fellows, 158.
Retirement, 159.

Chapter XII.

Tattersall's, 160. Friendly dealings, 161. Laudable company,
162. The Sportsman's exchange, 163. An unlimited order, 164.
How to ease heavy pockets, 165. Body-snatchers and Bum-
traps, 166. The Sharps and the Flats, 167. A secret
expedition, 168. A pleasant rencontre, 169. Accommodating
friends, 170. The female banker, 171. A buck of the first
cut, 172. A highly finished youth, 173. An addition to the
party, 174.

Chapter XIII.

A promenade, 175. Something the matter, 176. Quizzical hits,
177. London friendship, 178. Fashion versus Reason, 179.
Dinners of the Ton, 180. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 181.
What can the matter be? 182. Something-A-Miss, 183.

Chapter XIV.

The centre of attraction, 185. The circulating library, 186.
Library wit, 187. Fitting on the cap, 188. Breaking up, 189.
Gaming, 190. Hells-Greeks-Black-legs, 191. How to become a
Greek, 192. Valuable instructions, 193. Gambling-house a la
Francaise, 194. Visitors' cards, 195. Opening scene, 196.
List of Nocturnal Hells, 197. Rouge et Noir Tables, 198.
Noon-day Hells, 199. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay,
200. A story, 202. Swindling Jews, 205. Ups and downs, 206.
High fellows, 207. Mingled company, 208. Severe studies,
209.

Chapter XV.

Newspaper recreations, 210. Value of Newspapers, 211. Power
of imagination, 212. Rich bill of fare, 213. Proposed Review
of the Arts, 214. Demireps and Cyprians, 215. Dashing
characters, 216. Female accommodations, 217. Rump and dozen,
218. Maggot race for a hundred, 219. Prime gig, larks and
sprees, 220. Female jockeyship, 221. Delicate amusements for
the fair sex, 222. Female life in London, 224. Ciphers in
society, 225. Ciphers of all sorts, 226. Hydraulics, 227.
Watery humours, 228. General street engagement, 229. Harmony
restored, 230.

Chapter XVI.

The double disappointment, 231. Heading made easy, 232.
Exhibition of Engravings, 233. How to cut a dash, 235.
Dashing attitude, costume, etc., 236. A Dasher-Street-
walking, etc., 237. Dancing--"all the go," 238. Exhibition,
Somerset House, 239. Royal Academy, Somerset House, 240. The
Sister Arts, 241. Character-Caricature, etc., 242. Moral
tendency of the Arts, 243. Fresh game sprung, 244. Law and
Lawyers, 245. Law qualifications, 247. Benchers, 248. Temple
Libraries-Church, 249. St. Dunstan's Bell-thumpers, 250.
Political Cobbler, 251. Coffee-houses, 252. Metropolitan
accommodations, 253. Chop-house delights and recreations,
254. Daffy's Elixir, Blue Ruin, etc., 256. The Queen's gin-
shop, 257.

Chapter XVII.

Globe Coffee-house, 258. A humorous sort of fellow, 259. A
Punster, 260. Signals and Signs, 261. Disconcerted
Professors, 262. A learned Butcher, 263. A successful
stratagem, 264. A misconception, 265. A picture of London,
266. All in high glee, 268.

Chapter XVIII.

A Slap at Slop, 269. A Nondescript, 270. Romanis, 271. Bow
steeple-Sir Chris. Wren, 272. The Temple of Apollo, 273.
Caricatures, 274. Rich stores of literature, 275. Pulpit
oratory, 276. Seven reasons, 277. Street impostors and
impositions, 278. Impudent beggars, 280. Wise men of the
East, 281. A Royal Visitor and Courtier reproved, 282.
Confusion of tongues, 284. Smoking and drinking, 285.
Knights of the Round Table, 286. The joys of milling, 287.
Noses and nosegays, 288. A Bumpkin in town, 289. Piggish
propensities, 2907 Joys of the bowl, 291.

Chapter XIX.

Jolly boys, 292. Dark-house Lane, 293. A breeze sprung up,
294. Business done in a crack, 295. Billingsgate, 296.
Refinements in language, 297. Real Life at Billingsgate,
298. The Female Fancy, 299. The Custom House, Long Room,
etc., 300. Greeting mine host, 302. A valuable customer,
303. A public character, 304.

Chapter xx.

The Tower of London, 305. Confusion of titles, 306. Interior
of the Trinity House, 307. Rag Fair commerce, 308. Itinerant
Jews and Depredators, 309. Lamentable state of the Jews,
310. Duke's Place and Synagogue, 311. Portuguese Jews, 312.
Bank of England, 313. An eccentric character, 314.
Lamentable effects of forgery, 315. Singular alteration of
mind, 316. Imaginary wealth, 317. Joint Stock Companies,
318. Auction Mart-Courtois, 319. Irresistible arguments,
320. Wealth without pride, 321. Royal Exchange, 322. A
prophecy fulfilled, 323. Lloyd's-Gresham Lecture, etc., 324.
The essential requisite, 325. Egress by storm, 326.

Chapter XXI.

Incident "ad infinitum," 327. A distressed Poet, 328.
Interesting calculations, 329. Ingenuity in puffing, 330.
Blacking maker's Laureat, 331. Miseries of literary
pursuits, 332. Suttling house, Horse Guards, 333. Merits of
two heroes, 334. Hibernian eloquence, 335. A pertinacious
Disputant, 336. Peace restored-Horse Guards, 337. Old
habits-The Miller's horse, 338. Covent Garden-Modern Drury,
339 A more than Herculean labour, 340. Police Office scene,
341. Bartholomew Fair, 342. A Knight of the Needle, 343.
Variance of opinion, 344. A visit to the Poet, 345. Produce
of literary pursuits, 346. Quantum versus Quality, 347.
Publishing by subscription, 348. Wealth and ignorance, 349.
Mutual gratification, 350.

Chapter XXII.

Symptoms of alarm, 351. Parties missing, 352. A strange
world, 353. Wanted, and must come, 354. Expectation alive,
355. A cure for melancholy, 356. Real Life a game, 357. The
game over, 358. Money-dropping arts, 359. Dividing a prize,
360. The Holy Alliance broke up, 361. New method of Hat
catching, 362. Dispatching a customer, 363. Laconic
colloquy, 364. Barkers, 365. A mistake corrected, 366.
Pawnbrokers, 367. The biter bit, 368. Miseries of
prostitution, 369. Wardrobe accommodations, 370. New species
of depredation, 371.

Chapter XXIII.

The Lock-up House, 372. Real Life with John Doe, etc., 373.
Every thing done by proxy, 374. Lottery of marriage, 375.
Sharp-shooting and skirmishing, 376. A fancy sketch, 377.
The universal talisman, 378. Living within bounds, 379. How
to live for ten years, 380. An accommodating host, 381. Life
in a lock-up house, 382.

Chapter XXIV.

A successful election, 383. Patriotic intentions, 384.
Political dinner, 385. Another bear-garden, 386. Charley's
theatre, 387. Bear-baiting sports, 388. The coronation, 389.
Coronation splendour, 390.

Chapter XXV.

Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental
journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road,
396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A
force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The
sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403.

Chapter XXVI.

Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary
observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish
sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade
characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The
sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors
disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416.

Chapter XXVII.

Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street-
walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc.,
420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post-
Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the
volume, 425.

LIST OF THE PLATES

The Principal Characters presented to Public Exhibition
throughout Real Life in London Frontispiece.

Illustrated Title Page.

Hyde Park 16

Epsom Races 44

Fives Court 71

LEVEE, Carlton House 79

Tom and Bob catching a Charley napping 92

Theatre 130

Lobby at Drury Lane 138

Tattersall's 160

Modern Hell 196

Exhibition, Somerset House 240

Road to a Fight (Plate 1.) 286

Billingsgate 298

Political Dinner 385

Charley's Theatre 387

Coronation 390

Road to a Fight (Plate 2.) 398

Private Turn-up 402

Masquerade 410

REAL LIFE IN LONDON

CHAPTER I

Triumphant returning at night with the spoil,
Like Bachanals, shouting and gay:
How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh,
And lose the fatigues of the day.
With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy,
Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours;
Since Life is no more than a passage at best,
Let's strew the way over with flowers.

~1~~"THEY order these things better in London," replied the Hon. Tom
Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, who would fain have made a
convert of our London _Sprig of Fashion_ to the sports and delights of
rural life. The party were regaling themselves after the dangers and
fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; and, while the sparkling glass
circulated, each, anxious to impress on the minds of the company the
value of the exploits and amusements in which he felt most delight,
became more animated and boisterous in his oratory--forgetting that
excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and
orders of our "_Free and Easies_" in London, "that no more than three
gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time." The whole party,
consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind
assistance of the "rosy god," become at the same moment most animated,
not to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he
was called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of
this fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the
pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the
reputation of being a "keen sportsman:" but the regular intercourse
which took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of
Bond Street notoriety, had in ~2~~some measure led to an indecision
of character, and often when perusing the lively and fascinating
descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in the
gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation
of--"Curse me, but after all, this only is Real Life; "--while, for the
moment, horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of
sporting, were annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant
and highly-finished friend, these pictures were the production of a
master-hand, and might have made a dangerous impression on minds
more stoical and determined than that of Bob's. The opera, theatres,
fashionable pursuits, characters, objects, &c. all became in succession
the subjects of his pen; and if lively description, blended with
irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, possessed any power of seduction,
these certainly belonged to Bob's honourable friend and relative, as an
epistolary correspondent. The following Stanzas were often recited by
him with great feeling and animation:--

Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan,
I should be loath to part with thee, I own,
Dear Life!
To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a _wife_,
Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing
That best, that most invaluable blessing.
I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being;
The things of this our world are well worth seeing;
And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling;
Then what the Devil would people have?
These gloomy hunters of the grave,
For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling.
Some wish they never had been born, how odd!
To see the handy works of God,
In sun and moon, and starry sky;
Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,--
Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms,
And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh,
Is well worth coming for, I'm sure,
Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more.
Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine,
And, could I always call thee mine,
I would not quickly bid this world farewell;
But whether here, or long or short my stay,
I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day
An old French motto, "_Vive la bagatelle!_"
Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks;
Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks.
The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes,
Which nothing but a _downright ass_ despises.

It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with
which, (in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our
chapter, that produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind
of Bob--No, it was the air--the manner--the _je ne sais quoi_, by which
these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and
the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with
the cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own
person and manner, which became a _fiat_ with Bob, and which effected
the object so long courted by his cousin.

After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob
thus reasoned with himself:--"If an acquaintance with London is to give
a man these airs of superiority--this ascendancy--elegance of manners,
and command of enjoyments--why, London for me; and if pleasure is the
game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport."

The song and toast, in unison with the sparkling glass, followed each
other in rapid succession. During which, our elegant London visitor
favoured the company with the following effusion, sung in a style equal
to (though unaccompanied with the affected airs and self-importance of)
a first-rate professor:--

SONG.

If to form and distinction, in town you would bow,
Let appearance of wealth be your care:
If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how,
The question will only be, Where?
A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place,
With ideas of magnificence tally;
Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace;
And we've no such thing as an alley.
A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so;
But, pray, who can give themselves airs,
Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low
To live up in a two pair of stairs?
The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor,
(That's the name, and it's right you should know it,)
Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar,
And it does very well for a poet.

These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and
lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's
London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party,
in supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure
the country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose
influence at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and
silenced these contending and jarring elements, "grey-eyed Morn" peeped
intrusively amid the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the
horse) stepping softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by,
at least accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring
pillow.

----"Glorious resolve!" exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had next
morning intimated his intention,--"nobly resolved indeed!--"What! shall
he whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in the
ring--to fascinate the fair--lead and control the fashions--attract the
gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!--shall he pass a life, or
rather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? Forbid
it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is to
be found,--forbid it cards--dice--balls--fashion, and ye gay et
coteras,--forbid"----"Pon my soul," interrupted Bob, "you have
frightened me to death! I thought you were beginning an Epic,--a thing
I abominate of all others. I had rather at any time follow the pack on
a foundered horse than read ten lines of Homer; so, my dear fellow,
descend for God's sake from the Heroics."

Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter,
Not panting for a hurricane of rapture;
Calm let me step--not riotous and jumping:
With due decorum, let my heart
Try to perform a sober part,
Not at the ribs be ever bumping--bumping.
Rapture's a charger--often breaks his girt,
Runs oft", and flings his rider in the dirt.

~5~~"However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear little roan
filly,--Snow-ball, good by,--my new patent double-barrelled
percussion--ah, I give you all up!--Order the tandem, my dear Tom,
whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes you have so often
and admirably described; and, above all things, take me as an humble and
docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition." Says Tom, "thou
reasonest well."

The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations
has been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with its
beautiful high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on
horsebaek in splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes
had only to bid adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid
career.

Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles,
with the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be
prudent to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we
all start fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability
of our ever meeting again on the journey;--so now to satisfy queries,
remarks, and animadversions.

"Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, and
appears to me very irregular.--What! tumble your hero neck and heels
into the midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry him
off from his paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors,
relatives, friends, connexions, or prospects--without any description
of romantic scenery on the estate--without so much as an allusion to the
female who first kindled in his breast the tender passion, or a detail
of those incidents with which it is usually connected!--a strange, very
strange way indeed this of commencing."

"My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules:
but allow me to ask,--is not one common object--amusement, all we have
in view? Suppose then, by way of illustration, you were desirous of
arriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads,
and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene had
rendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel with
the traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a new
one? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to return
to scenes in which alone he can ~6~~live, and the other to realize
ideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing tints that a
warm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be impossible
longer to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you to cut
it short--accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in London; nor
risk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel reflection,
that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in _at the death_ of the
Author--by Starvation."