The Blunderer
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Moliere >> The Blunderer
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LEL. Lack-a day! how easy it is for you to condemn things of which you
do not feel the enchanting cause. In order to humour you for once I
have, nevertheless, a good mind to put a restraint upon that love which
sways me. Henceforth...
SCENE VI.--TRUFALDIN, LELIO, MASCARILLE.
MASC. We were speaking about your son's adventures.
TRUF. (_To Lelio_). You did quite right. Will you do me the favour
of letting me have one word in private with him?
LEL. I should be very rude if I did not. (_Lelio goes into Trufaldin's
House_).
SCENE VII.--TRUFALDIN, MASCARILLE.
TRUF. Hark ye! do you know what I have just been doing?
MASC. No, but if you think it proper, I shall certainly not remain long
in ignorance.
TRUF. I have just now cut off from a large and sturdy oak, of about two
hundred years old, an admirable branch, selected on purpose, of
tolerable thickness, of which immediately, upon the spot, I made a
cudgel, about ... yes, of this size (_showing his arm_); not so
thick at one end as at the other, but fitter, I imagine, than thirty
switches to belabour the shoulders withal; for it is well poised, green,
knotty, and heavy.
MASC. But, pray, for whom is all this preparation?
TRUF. For yourself, first of all; then, secondly, for that fellow, who
wishes to palm one person upon me, and trick me out of another; for this
Armenian, this merchant in disguise, introduced by a lying and pretended
story.
MASC. What! you do not believe...?
TRUF. Do not try to find an excuse; he himself, fortunately, discovered
his own stratagem, by telling Celia, whilst he squeezed her hand at the
same time, that it was for her sake alone he came disguised in this
manner. He did not perceive Jeannette, my little god-daughter, who
overheard every word he said. Though your name was not mentioned, I do
not doubt but you are a cursed accomplice in all this.
MASC. Indeed, you wrong me. If you are really deceived, believe me I was
the first imposed upon with his story.
TRUF. Would you convince me you speak the truth? Assist me in giving him
a sound drubbing, and in driving him away; let us give it the rascal
well, and then I will acquit you of all participation in this piece of
rascality.
MASC. Ay, ay, with all my soul. I will dust his jacket for him so
soundly, that you shall see I had no hand in this matter.
(_Aside_). Ah! you shall have a good licking, Mister Armenian, who
always spoil everything.
SCENE VIII.--LELIO, TRUFALDIN, MASCARILLE.
TRUF. (_Knocks at his door, and then addresses Lelio_). A word with
you, if you please. So, Mr. Cheat, you have the assurance to fool a
respectable man, and make game of him?
MASC. To pretend to have seen his son abroad, in order to get the more
easily into his house!
TRUF. (_Beating Lelio_). Go away, go away immediately.
LEL. (_To Mascarille, who beats him likewise_). Oh! you scoundrel!
MASC. It is thus that rogues...
LEL. Villain!
MASC. Are served here. Keep that for my sake!
LEL. What? Is a gentleman...?
MASC. (_Beating him and driving him off). March off, begone, I tell
you, or I shall break all the bones in your body.
TRUF. I am delighted with this; come in, I am satisfied. (_Mascarille
follows Trufaldin into his house_).
LEL. (_Returning_). This to me! To be thus affronted by a servant!
Could I have thought the wretch would have dared thus to ill-treat his
master?
MASC. (_From Trufaldin's window_). May I take the liberty to ask
how your shoulders are?
LEL. What! Have you the impudence still to address me?
MASC. Now see what it is not to have perceived Jeannette, and to have
always a blabbing tongue in your head! However, this time I am not angry
with you, I have done cursing and swearing at you; though you behaved
very imprudently, yet my hand has made your shoulders pay for your
fault.
LEL. Ha! I shall be revenged on you for your treacherous behaviour.
MASC. You yourself were the cause of all this mischief.
LEL. I?
MASC. If you had had a grain of sense when you were talking to your idol
you would have perceived Jeannette at your heels, whose sharp ears
overheard the whole affair.
LEL. Could anybody possibly catch one word I spoke to Celia?
MASC. And what else was the cause why you were suddenly turned out of
doors? Yes, you are shut out by your own tittle-tattle. I do not know
whether you play often at piquet, but you at least throw your cards away
in an admirable manner.
LEL. Oh! I am the most unhappy of all men. But why did you drive me away
also?
MASC. I never did better than in acting thus. By these means, at least,
I prevent all suspicion of my being the inventor or an accomplice of
this stratagem.
LEL. But you should have laid it on more gently.
MASC. I was no such fool! Trufaldin watched me most narrowly; besides, I
must tell you, under the pretence of being of use to you, I was not at
all displeased to vent my spleen. However, the thing is done, and if you
will give me your word of honour, never, directly or indirectly, to be
revenged on me for the blows on the back I so heartily gave you, I
promise you, by the help of my present station, to satisfy your wishes
within these two nights.
LEL. Though you have treated me very harshly, yet what would not such a
promise prevail upon me to do?
MASC. You promise, then?
LEL. Yes, I do.
MASC. But that is not all; promise never to meddle in anything I take in
hand.
LEL. I do.
MASC. If you break your word may you get the cold shivers!
LEL. Then keep it with me, and do not forget my uneasiness.
MASC. Go and change your dress, and rub something on your back.
LEL. (_Alone_). Will ill-luck always follow me, and heap upon me
one misfortune after another?
MASC. (_Coming out of Trufaldin's house_). What! Not gone yet?
Hence immediately; but, above all, be sure you don't trouble your head
about any thing. Be satisfied, that I am on your side; do not make the
least attempt to assist me; remain quiet.
LEL. (_Going_). Yes, to be sure, I will remain quiet.
MASC. (_Alone_). Now let me see what course I am to steer.
SCENE IX.--ERGASTE, MASCARILLE.
ERG. Mascarille, I come to tell you a piece of news, which will give a
cruel blow to your projects. At the very moment I am talking to you, a
young gipsy, who nevertheless is no black, and looks like a gentleman,
has arrived with a very wan-looking old woman, and is to call upon
Trufaldin to purchase the slave you wished to redeem. He seems to be
very anxious to get possession of her.
MASC. Doubtless it is the lover Celia spoke about. Were ever fortunes so
tangled as ours? No sooner have we got rid of one trouble than we fall
into another. In vain do we hear that Leander intends to abandon his
pursuit, and to give us no further trouble; that the unexpected arrival
of his father has turned the scales in favour of Hippolyta; that the old
gentleman has employed his parental authority to make a thorough change,
and that the marriage contract is going to be signed this very day; as
soon as one rival withdraws, another and a more dangerous one starts up
to destroy what little hope there was left. However, by a wonderful
stratagem, I believe I shall be able to delay their departure and gain
what time I want to put the finishing stroke to this famous affair. A
great robbery has lately been committed, by whom, nobody knows. These
gipsies have not generally the reputation of being very honest; upon
this slight suspicion, I will cleverly get the fellow imprisoned for a
few days. I know some officers of justice, open to a bribe, who will not
hesitate on such an occasion; greedy and expecting some present, there
is nothing they will not attempt with their eyes shut; be the accused
ever so innocent, the purse is always criminal, and must pay for the
offence.
ACT V.
SCENE I.--MASCARILLE, ERGASTE.
MASC. Ah blockhead! numskull! idiot! Will you never leave off
persecuting me?
ERG. The constable took great care everything was going on smoothly; the
fellow would have been in jail, had not your master come up that very
moment, and, like a madman spoiled your plot. "I cannot suffer," says he
in a loud voice, "that a respectable man should be dragged to prison in
this disgraceful manner; I will be responsible for him, from his very
looks, and will be his bail." And as they refused to let him go, he
immediately and so vigorously attacked the officers, who are a kind of
people much afraid of their carcasses, that, even at this very moment,
they are running, and every man thinks he has got a Lelio at his heels.
MASC. The fool does not know that this gipsy is in the house already to
carry off his treasure.
ERG. Good-bye, business obliges me to leave you.
SCENE II.--MASCARILLE, _alone_.
Yes, this last marvellous accident quite stuns me. One would think, and
I have no doubt of it, that this bungling devil which possesses Lelio
takes delight in defying me, and leads him into every place where his
presence can do mischief. Yet I shall go on, and notwithstanding all
these buffets of fortune, try who will carry the day. Celia has no
aversion to him, and looks upon her departure with great regret. I must
endeavour to improve this opportunity. But here they come; let me
consider how I shall execute my plan. Yonder furnished house is at my
disposal, and I can do what I like with it; if fortune but favours us,
all will go well; nobody lives there but myself, and I keep the key.
Good Heavens! what a great many adventures have befallen us in so short
a time, and what numerous disguises a rogue is obliged to put on.
SCENE III.--CELIA, ANDRES.
AND. You know it, Celia, I have left nothing undone to prove the depth
of my passion. When I was but very young, my courage in the wars gained
me some consideration among the Venetians, and one time or other, and
without having too great an opinion of myself, I might, had I continued
in their service, have risen to some employment of distinction; but, for
your sake, I abandoned everything; the sudden change you produced in my
heart, was quickly followed by your lover joining the gipsies. Neither a
great many adventures nor your indifference have been able to make me
abandon my pursuit. Since that time, being by an accident separated from
you much longer than I could have foreseen, I spared neither time nor
pains to meet with you again. At last I discovered the old gipsy-woman,
and heard from her that for a certain sum of money, which was then of
great consequence to the gipsies, and prevented the dissolution of the
whole band, you were left in pledge in this neighbourhood. Full of
impatience, I flew hither immediately to break these mercenary chains,
and to receive from you whatever commands you might be pleased to give.
But, when I thought to see joy sparkle in your eyes, I find you pensive
and melancholy; if quietness has charms for you, I have sufficient means
at Venice, of the spoils taken in war, for us both to live there; but if
I must still follow you as before, I will do so, and my heart shall have
no other ambition than to serve you in whatever manner you please.
CEL. You openly display your affection for me. I should be ungrateful
not to be sensible of it. Besides, just now, my countenance does not
bear the impress of the feelings of my heart; my looks show that I have
a violent headache. If I have the least influence over you, you will
delay our voyage for at least three or four days, until my indisposition
has passed away.
AND. I shall stay as long as you like; I only wish to please you; let us
look for a house where you may be comfortable. Ho! here is a bill up
just at the right time.
SCENE IV.--CELIA, ANDRES, MASCARILLE, _disguised as a Swiss_.
AND. Monsieur Swiss, are you the master of the house?
MASC. I am at your service.
[Footnote: In the original, Mascarille speaks a kind of gibberish, which
is only amusing when the play is acted; but it can serve no purpose to
translate "_moi, pour serfir a fous_," "_Oui, moi pour
d'estrancher chappon champre garni, mais che non point locher te gent te
mechant vi_," etc., by "me be at your serfice," "yes. me have de very
goot shambers, ready furnish for stranger, but me no loge de people
scandaluse," etc. A provincial pronunciation, an Irish brogue, or a
Scotch tongue, are no equivalent for this mock Swiss German-French.]
AND. Can we lodge here?
MASC. Yes, I let furnished lodgings to strangers, but only to
respectable people.
AND. I suppose your house has a very good reputation?
MASC. I see by your face you are a stranger in this town.
AND. I am.
MASC. Are you the husband of this lady?
AND. Sir?
MASC. Is she your wife or your sister?
AND. Neither.
MASC. Upon my word, she is very pretty! Do you come on business, or have
you a lawsuit going on before the court? A lawsuit is a very bad thing,
it costs so much money; a solicitor is a thief, and a barrister a rogue.
AND. I do not come for either of these.
MASC. You have brought this young lady then to walk about and to see the
town?
AND. What is that to you? (_To Celia_). I shall be with you again
in one moment; I am going to fetch the old woman presently, and tell
them not to send the travelling-carriage which was ready.
MASC. Is the lady not quite well?
AND. She has a headache.
MASC. I have some good wine and cheese within; walk in, go into my small
house. (_Celia, Andres and Mascarille go into the house_).
SCENE V.--LELIO, _alone_.
However impatient and excited I may feel, yet I have pledged my word to
do nothing but wait quietly, to let another work for me, and to see,
without daring to stir, in what manner Heaven will change my destiny.
SCENE VI.--ANDRES, LELIO.
LEL. (_Addressing Andres, who is coming out of the house_). Do you
want to see anybody in this house?
AND. I have just taken some furnished apartments there.
LEL. The house belongs to my father, and my servant sleeps there every
night to take care of it.
AND. I know nothing of that; the bill, at least, shows it is to be let;
read it.
LEL. Truly this surprises me, I confess. Who the deuce can have put that
bill up, and why...? Ho, faith, I can guess, pretty near, what it means;
this cannot possibly proceed but from the quarter I surmise.
AND. May I ask what affair this may be?
LEL. I would keep it carefully from anybody else, but it can be of no
consequence to you, and you will not mention it to any one. Without
doubt, that bill can be nothing else but an invention of the servant I
spoke of; nothing but some cunning plot he has hatched to place into my
hands a certain gipsy girl, with whom I am smitten, and of whom I wish
to obtain possession. I have already attempted this several times, but
until now in vain.
AND. What is her name?
LEL. Celia.
AND. What do you say? Had you but mentioned this, no doubt I should have
saved you all the trouble this project costs you.
LEL. How so? Do you know her?
AND. It is I who just now bought her from her master.
LEL. You surprise me!
AND. As the state of her health did not allow her to leave this town, I
just took these apartments for her; and I am very glad that on this
occasion you have acquainted me with your intentions.
LEL. What! shall I obtain the happiness I hope for by your means? Could
you...?
AND. (_Knocks at the door_). You shall be satisfied immediately.
LEL. What can I say to you? And what thanks...?
AND. No, give me none; I will have none.
SCENE VII.--LELIO, ANDRES, MASCARILLE.
MASC. (_Aside_). Hallo! Is this not my mad-cap master? He will make
another blunder.
LEL. Who would have known him in this grotesque dress? Come hither,
Mascarille, you are welcome.
MASC. I am a man of honour; I am not Mascarille, I never debauched any
married or unmarried woman.
[Footnote: Mascarille answers in his gibberish, "Moi non point
_Masquerille_," an allusion to _maquerelle_ a female pander;
hence his further remarks.]
LEL. What funny gibberish! It is really very good!
MASC. Go about your business, and do not laugh at me.
LEL. You can take off your dress; recognise your master.
MASC. Upon my word! by all the saints, I never knew you!
LEL. Everything is settled, disguise yourself no longer.
MASC. If you do not go away I will give you a slap in the face.
LEL. Your Swiss jargon is needless, I tell you, for we are agreed, and
his generosity lays me under an obligation. I have all I can wish for;
you have no reason to be under any farther apprehension.
MASC. If you are agreed, by great good luck, I will no longer play the
Swiss, and become myself again.
AND. This valet of yours serves you with much zeal; stay a little; I
will return presently.
SCENE VIII.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.
LEL. Well, what do you say now?
MASC. That I am delighted to see our labours crowned with success.
LEL. You were hesitating to doff your disguise, and could hardly believe
me.
MASC. As I know you I was rather afraid, and still find the adventure
very astonishing.
LEL. But confess, however, that I have done great things--at least I
have now made amends for all my blunders--mine will be the honour of
having finished the work.
MASC. Be it so; you have been much more lucky than wise.
SCENE IX.--CELIA, ANDRES, LELIO, MASCARILLE.
AND. Is not this the lady you were speaking of to me?
LEL. Heavens! what happiness can be equal to mine!
AND. It is true; I am indebted to you for the kindness you have shown
me; I should be much to blame if I did not acknowledge it; but this
kindness would be too dearly bought were I to repay it at the expense of
my heart. Judge, by the rapture her beauty causes me, whether I ought to
discharge my debt to you at such a price. You are generous, and would
not have me act thus. Farewell. Let us return whence we came, and stay
there for a few days. (_He leads Celia away_).
SCENE X.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.
MASC. I am laughing, and yet I have little inclination to it. You two
are quite of the same mind; he gives Celia to you. Hem! ... You
understand me, sir?
LEL. This is too much. I am determined no longer to ask you to assist
me; it is useless; I am a puppy, a wretch, a detestable blockhead, not
worthy of any one taking any trouble for me, incapable of doing
anything. Abandon all endeavours to aid an unfortunate wretch, who will
not allow himself to be made happy; after so many misfortunes, after all
my imprudent actions, death alone should aid me.
SCENE XI.--MASCARILLE, _alone_.
That is the true way of putting the finishing stroke to his fate; he
wants nothing now but to die, to crown all his follies. But in vain his
indignation, for all the faults he has committed urges him to renounce
my aid and my support. I intend, happen what will, to serve him in spite
of himself, and vanquish the very devil that possesses him. The greater
the obstacle, the greater the glory; and the difficulties which beset us
are but a kind of tire-women who deck and adorn virtue.
SCENE XII.--CELIA, MASCARILLE.
CELIA. (_To Mascarille, who has been whispering to her_). Whatever
you may say, and whatever they intend doing, I have no great expectation
from this delay. What we have seen hitherto may indeed convince us that
they are not as yet likely to agree. I have already told you that a
heart like mine will not for the sake of one do an injustice to another,
and that I find myself strongly attached to both, though by different
ties. If Lelio has love and its power on his side, Andres has gratitude
pleading for him, which will not permit even my most secret thoughts
ever to harbour anything against his interests. Yes; if he has no longer
a place in my heart, if the gift of my hand must not crown his love, I
ought at least to reward that which he has done for me, by not choosing
another, in contempt of his flame, and suppress my own inclinations in
the same manner as I do his. You have heard the difficulties which duty
throws in my way, and you can judge now whether your expectations will
be realized.
MASC. To speak the truth, they are very formidable obstacles in our way,
and I have not the knack of working miracles; but I will do my utmost,
move Heaven and earth, leave no stone unturned to try and discover some
happy expedient. I shall soon let you know what can be done.
SCENE XIII.--HIPPOLYTA, CELIA.
HIPP. Ever since you came among us, the ladies of this neighbourhood may
well complain of the havoc caused by your eyes, since you deprive them
of the greatest part of their conquests, and make all their lovers
faithless. There is not a heart which can escape the darts with which
you pierce them as soon as they see you; many thousands load themselves
with your chains, and seem to enrich you daily at our expense. However,
as regards myself, I should make no complaints of the irresistible sway
of your exquisite charms, had they left me one of all my lovers to
console me for the loss of the others; but it is inhuman in you that
without mercy you deprive me of all; I cannot forbear complaining to
you.
CEL. You rally in a charming manner, but I beseech you to spare me a
little. Those eyes, those very eyes of yours, know their own power too
well ever to dread anything that I am able to do; they are too conscious
of their own charms, and will never entertain similar feelings of fear.
HIPP. Yet I advance nothing in what I have said which has not already
entered the mind of every one, and without mentioning anything else, it
is well known that Celia has made a deep impression on Leander and on
Lelio.
CEL. I believe you will easily console yourself about their loss, since
they have become so infatuated; nor can you regret a lover who could
make so ill a choice.
HIPP. On the contrary, I am of quite a different opinion, and discover
such great merits in your beauty, and see in it so many reasons
sufficient to excuse the inconstancy of those who allow themselves to be
attracted by it, that I cannot blame Leander for having changed his love
and broken his plighted troth. In a short time, and without either
hatred or anger, I shall see him again brought under my sway, when his
father shall have exercised his authority.
SCENE XIV.--CELIA, HIPPOLYTA, MASCARILLE.
MASC. Great news! great news! a wonderful event which I am now going to
tell you!
CEL. What means this?
MASC. Listen. This is, without any compliments...
CEL. What?
MASC. The last scene of a true and genuine comedy. The old gipsy-woman
was, but this very moment...
CEL. Well?
MASC. Crossing the market-place, thinking about nothing at all, when
another old woman, very haggard-looking, after having closely stared at
her for some time, hoarsely broke out in a torrent of abusive language,
and thus gave the signal for a furious combat, in which, instead of
swords, muskets, daggers, or arrows, nothing was seen but four withered
paws, brandished in the air, with which these two combatants endeavoured
to tear off the little flesh old age had left on their bones. Not a word
was heard but drab, wretch, trull. Their caps, to begin with, were
flying about, and left a couple of bald pates exposed to view, which
rendered the battle ridiculously horrible. At the noise and hubbub,
Andres and Trufaldin, as well as many others, ran to see what was the
matter, and had much ado to part them, so excited were they by passion.
Meanwhile each of them, when the storm was abated, endeavoured to hide
her head with shame. Everybody wished to know the cause of this
ridiculous fray. She who first began it having, notwithstanding the
warmth of her passion, looked for some time at Trufaldin, said in a loud
voice,--"It is you, unless my sight misgives me, who, I was informed,
lived privately in this town; most happy meeting! Yes, Signor Zanobio
Ruberti, fortune made me find you out at the very moment I was giving
myself so much trouble for your sake. When you left your family at
Naples, your daughter, as you know, remained under my care. I brought
her up from her youth. When she was only four years old she showed
already in a thousand different ways what charms and beauty she would
have. That woman you see there--that infamous hag--who had become
rather intimate with us, robbed me of that treasure. Your good lady,
alas! felt so much grief at this misfortune, that, as I have reason to
believe it shortened her days; so that, fearing your severe reproaches
because your daughter had been stolen from me, I sent you word that both
were dead; but now, as I have found out the thief, she must tell us what
has become of your child." At the name of Zanobio Ruberti, which she
repeated several times throughout the story, Andres, after changing
colour often, addressed to the surprised Trufaldin these words: "What!
has Heaven most happily brought me to him whom I have hitherto sought in
vain! Can I possibly have beheld my father, the author of my being,
without knowing him? Yes, father, I am Horatio, your son; my tutor,
Albert, having died, I felt anew certain uneasiness in my mind, left
Bologna, and abandoning my studies, wandered about for six years in
different places, according as my curiosity led me. However, after the
expiration of that time, a secret impulse drove me to revisit my kindred
and my native country; but in Naples, alas! I could no longer find you,
and could only hear vague reports concerning you; so that having in vain
tried to meet with you, I ceased to roam about idly, and stopped for a
while in Venice. From that time to this I have lived without receiving
any other information about my family, except knowing its name." You may
judge whether Trufaldin was not more than ordinarily moved all this
while; in one word (to tell you shortly that which you will have an
opportunity of learning afterwards more at your leisure, from the
confession of the old gipsy-woman), Trufaldin owns you (_to Celia_)
now for his daughter; Andres is your brother; and as he can no longer
think of marrying his sister, and as he acknowledges he is under some
obligation to my master, Lelio, he has obtained for him your hand.
Pandolphus being present at this discovery, gives his full consent to
the marriage; and to complete the happiness of the family, proposes that
the newly-found Horatio should marry his daughter. See how many
incidents are produced at one and the same time!
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