The Blunderer
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Moliere >> The Blunderer
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LEL. I am not surprised that I do not come up to your expectations; if I
am not acquainted with the designs you are setting on foot, I shall be
for ever making mistakes.
MASC. So much the worse.
LEL. At least, if you would be justly angry with me, give me a little
insight into your plan; but if I am kept ignorant of every contrivance,
I must always be caught napping.
[Footnote: The original is, _je suis pris sans vert_, "I am taken
without green," because in the month of May, in some parts of France,
there is a game which binds him or her who is taken without a green leaf
about them to pay a forfeit.]
MASC. I believe you would make a very good fencing-master, because you
are so skilful at making feints, and at parrying of a thrust.
[Footnote: In the original we find _prendre les contretemps_, and
_rompre les mesures_. In a little and very curious book, "The Scots
Fencing Master, or Compleat Smal-Sword Man," printed in Edinburgh 1687,
and written by Sir William Hope of Kirkliston, the _contre-temps_
is said to be: "When a man thrusts without having a good opportunity, or
when he thrusts at the same time his adversarie thrusts, and that each
of them at that time receive a thrust." _Breaking of measure_ is,
according to the same booklet, done thus: "When you perceive your
adversary thrusting at you, and you are not very certain of the
_parade_, then _break his measure_, or make his thrust short
of you, by either stepping a foot or half a foot back, with the
_single stepp_, for if you judge your adversary's _distance or
measure_ well, half a foot will _break his measure_ as well as
ten ells."]
LEL. Since the thing is done, let us think no more about it. My rival,
however, will not have it in his power to cross me, and provided you
will but exert your skill, in which I trust...
MASC. Let us drop this discourse, and talk of something else; I am not
so easily pacified, not I; I am in too great a passion for that. In the
first place, you must do me a service, and then we shall see whether I
ought to undertake the management of your amours.
LEL. If it only depends on that, I will do it! Tell me, have you need of
my blood, of my sword?
MASC. How crack-brained he is! You are just like those swashbucklers who
are always more ready to draw their sword than to produce a tester, if
it were necessary to give it.
LEL. What can I do, then, for you?
MASC. You must, without delay, endeavour to appease your father's anger.
LEL. We have become reconciled already.
MASC. Yes, but I am not; I killed him this morning for your sake; the
very idea of it shocks him. Those sorts of jokes are severely felt by
such old fellows as he, which, much against their will, make them
reflect sadly on the near approach of death. The good sire,
notwithstanding his age, is very fond of life, and cannot bear jesting
upon that subject; he is alarmed at the prognostication, and so very
angry that I hear he has lodged a complaint against me. I am afraid that
if I am once housed at the expense of the king, I may like it so well
after the first quarter of an hour, that I shall find it very difficult
afterwards to get away. There have been several warrants out against me
this good while; for virtue is always envied and persecuted in this
abominable age. Therefore go and make my peace with your father.
LEL. Yes, I shall soften his anger, but you must promise me then...
MASC. We shall see what there is to be done. (_Exit Lelio_). Now,
let us take a little breath after so many fatigues; let us stop for a
while the current of our intrigues, and not move about hither and
thither as if we were hobgoblins. Leander cannot hurt us now, and Celia
cannot be removed, through the contrivance of...
SCENE VI.--ERGASTE, MASCARILLE.
ERG. I was looking for you everywhere to render you a service. I have a
secret of importance to disclose.
MASC. What may that be?
ERG. Can no one overhear us?
MASC. Not a soul.
ERG. We are as intimate as two people can be; I am acquainted with all
your projects, and the love of your master. Mind what you are about by
and by; Leander has formed a plot to carry off Celia; I have been told
he has arranged everything, and designs to get into Trufaldin's house in
disguise, having heard that at this time of the year some ladies of the
neighbourhood often visit him in the evening in masks.
MASC. Ay, well! He has not yet reached the height of his happiness; I
may perhaps be beforehand with him; and as to this thrust, I know how to
give him a counter-thrust, by which he may run himself through. He is
not aware with what gifts I am endowed. Farewell, we shall take a cup
together next time we meet.
SCENE VII.--MASCARILLE, alone.
We must, we must reap all possible benefit from this amorous scheme, and
by a dexterous and uncommon counterplot endeavour to make the success
our own, without any danger. If I put on a mask and be beforehand with
Leander, he will certainly not laugh at us; if we take the prize ere he
comes up, he will have paid for us the expenses of the expedition; for,
as his project has already become known, suspicion will fall upon him;
and we, being safe from all pursuit, need not fear the consequences of
that dangerous enterprise. Thus we shall not show ourselves, but use a
cat's paw to take the chesnuts out of the fire. Now, then, let us go and
disguise ourselves with some good fellows; we must not delay if we wish
to be beforehand with our gentry. I love to strike while the iron is
hot, and can, without much difficulty, provide in one moment men and
dresses. Depend upon it, I do not let my skill lie dormant. If Heaven
has endowed me with the gift of knavery, I am not one of those
degenerate minds who hide the talents they have received.
SCENE VIII.--LELIO, ERGASTE.
LEL. He intends to carry her off during a masquerade!
ERG. There is nothing more certain; one of his band informed me of his
design, upon which I instantly ran to Mascarille and told him the whole
affair; he said he would spoil their sport by some counter-scheme which
he planned in an instant; so meeting with you by chance, I thought I
ought to let you know the whole.
LEL. I am very much obliged to you for this piece of news; go, I shall
not forget this faithful service.
[_Exit Ergaste_.]
SCENE IX.--LELIO, alone.
My rascal will certainly play them some trick or other; but I, too, have
a mind to assist him in his project. It shall never be said that, in a
business which so nearly concerns me, I stirred no more than a post;
this is the time; they will be surprised at the sight of me. Why did I
not take my blunderbuss with me? But let anybody attack me who likes, I
have two good pistols and a trusty sword. So ho! within there; a word
with you.
SCENE X.--TRUFALDIN _at his window_, LELIO.
TRUF. What is the matter? Who comes to pay me a visit?
LEL. Keep your door carefully shut to-night.
TRUF. Why?
LEL. There are certain people coming masked to give you a sorry kind of
serenade; they intend to carry off Celia.
TRUF. Good Heavens!
LEL. No doubt they will soon be here. Keep where you are, you may see
everything from your window. Hey! Did I not tell you so? Do you not see
them already? Hist! I will affront them before your face. We shall see
some fine fun, if they do not give way.
[Footnote: This is one of the passages of Moliere about which
commentators do not agree; the original is, _nous allons voir beau
jeu, si la corde ne rompt_. Some maintain that _corde_ refers to
the tight rope of a rope dancer; others that _corde_ means the
string of a bow, as in the phrase _avoir deux cordes a son arc_, to
have two strings (resources) to one's bow. Mons. Eugene Despois, in his
carefully edited edition of Moliere, (i., 187), defends the latter
reading, and I agree with him.]
SCENE XI.--LELIO, TRUFALDIN, MASCARILLE, _and his company masked_.
TRUF. Oh, the funny blades, who think to surprise me.
LEL. Maskers, whither so fast? Will you let me into the secret?
Trufaldin, pray open the door to these gentry, that they may challenge
us for a throw with the dice.
[Footnote: The original has _jouer un momon_. Guy Miege, in his
Dictionary of barbarous French. London, 1679 has "_Mommon_, a
mummer, also a company of mummers; also a visard, or mask; also a let by
a mummer at dice."]
(_To Mascarille, disguised as a woman_). Good Heavens! What a
pretty creature! What a darling she looks! How now! What are you
mumbling? Without offence, may I remove your mask and see your face.
TRUF. Hence! ye wicked rogues; begone, ye ragamuffins! And you, sir,
good night, and many thanks.
SCENE XII.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.
LEL. (_After having taken the mask from Mascarille's face_).
Mascarille, is it you?
MASC. No, not at all; it is somebody else.
LEL. Alas! How astonished I am! How adverse is our fate! Could I
possibly have guessed this, as you did not secretly inform me that you
were going to disguise yourself? Wretch that I am, thoughtlessly to play
you such a trick, while you wore this mask. I am in an awful passion
with myself, and have a good mind to give myself a sound beating.
MASC. Farewell, most refined wit, unparalleled inventive genius.
LEL. Alas! If your anger deprives me of your assistance, what saint
shall I invoke?
MASC. Beelzebub.
LEL. Ah! If your heart is not made of stone or iron, do once more at
least forgive my imprudence; if it is necessary to be pardoned that I
should kneel before you, behold...
MASC. Fiddlesticks! Come, my boys, let us away; I hear some other people
coming closely behind us.
SCENE XIII.--LEANDER _and his company masked;_ TRUFALDIN _at the
window_.
LEAND. Softly, let us do nothing but in the gentlest manner.
TRUF. (_At the window_). How is this? What! mummers besieging my
door all night. Gentlemen, do not catch a cold gratuitously; every one
who is catching it here must have plenty of time to lose. It is rather a
little too late to take Celia along with you; she begs you will excuse
her to-night; the girl is in bed and cannot speak to you; I am very
sorry; but to repay you for all the trouble you have taken for her sake,
she begs you will be pleased to accept this pot of perfume.
LEAND. Faugh! That does not smell nicely. My clothes are all spoiled; we
are discovered; let us be gone this way.
ACT IV.
SCENE I.--LELIO, _disguised as an Armenian;_ MASCARILLE.
MASC. You are dressed in a most comical fashion.
LEL. I had abandoned all hope, but you have revived it again by this
contrivance.
MASC. My anger is always too soon over; it is vain to swear and curse, I
can never keep to my oaths.
LEL. Be assured that if ever it lies in my power you shall be satisfied
with the proofs of my gratitude, and though I had but one piece of
bread...
MASC. Enough: Study well this new project; for if you commit now any
blunder, you cannot lay the blame upon ignorance of the plot; you ought
to know your part in the play perfectly by heart.
LEL. But how did Trufaldin receive you?
MASC. I cozened the good fellow with a pretended zeal for his interests.
I went with alacrity to tell him that, unless he took very great care,
some people would come and surprise him; that from different quarters
they had designs upon her of whose origin a letter had given a false
account; that they would have liked to draw me in for a share in the
business, but that I kept well out of it; and that, being full of zeal
for what so nearly concerned him, I came to give him timely notice that
he might take his precautions. Then, moralizing, I discoursed solemnly
about the many rogueries one sees every day here below; that, as for me,
being tired with the world and its infamies, I wished to work out my
soul's salvation, retire from all its noise, and live with some worthy
honest man, with whom I could spend the rest of my days in peace; that,
if he had no objection, I should desire nothing more than to pass the
remainder of my life with him; that I had taken such a liking to him,
that, without asking for any wages to serve him, I was ready to place in
his hands, knowing it to be safe there, some property my father had left
me, as well as my savings, which I was fully determined to leave to him
alone, if it pleased Heaven to take me hence. That was the right way to
gain his affection. You and your beloved should decide what means to use
to attain your wishes. I was anxious to arrange a secret interview
between you two; he himself has contrived to show me a most excellent
method, by which you may fairly and openly stay in her house. Happening
to talk to me about a son he had lost, and whom he dreamt last night had
come to life again, he told me the following story, upon which, just
now, I founded my stratagem.
LEL. Enough; I know it all; you have told it me twice already.
[Footnote: Though Lelio says to Mascarille, "Enough, I know it all," he
has not been listening to the speech of his servant, but, in the
meanwhile, is arranging his dress, and smoothing his ruffles, and making
it clear to the spectator that he knows nothing, and that he will be a
bad performer of the part assigned to him. This explains the blunders he
makes afterwards in the second and fifth scenes of the same act.]
MASC. Yes, yes; but even if I should tell it thrice, it may happen
still, that with all your conceit, you might break down in some minor
detail.
LEL. I long to be at it already.
MASC. Pray, not quite so fast, for fear we might stumble. Your skull is
rather thick, therefore you should be perfectly well instructed in your
part. Some time ago Trufaldin left Naples; his name was then Zanobio
Ruberti. Being suspected in his native town of having participated in a
certain rebellion, raised by some political faction (though really he is
not a man to disturb any state), he was obliged to quit it stealthily by
night, leaving behind him his daughter, who was very young, and his
wife. Some time afterwards he received the news that they were both
dead, and in this perplexity, wishing to take with him to some other
town, not only his property, but also the only one who was left of all
his family, his young son, a schoolboy, called Horatio, he wrote to
Bologna, where a certain tutor, named Alberto, had taken the boy when
very young, to finish there his education; but though for two whole
years he appointed several times to meet them, they never made their
appearance. Believing them to be dead, after so long a time, he came to
this city, where he took the name he now bears, without for twelve years
ever having discovered any traces of this Alberto, or of his son
Horatio. This is the substance of the story, which I have repeated so
that you may better remember the groundwork of the plot. Now, you are to
personate an Armenian merchant, who has seen them both safe and sound in
Turkey. If I have invented this scheme, in preference to any other, of
bringing them to life again according to his dream, it is because it is
very common in adventures for people to be taken at sea by some Turkish
pirate, and afterwards restored to their families in the very nick of
time, when thought lost for fifteen or twenty years. For my part, I have
heard a hundred of that kind of stories. Without giving ourselves the
trouble of inventing something fresh, let us make use of this one; what
does it matter? You must say you heard the story of their being made
slaves from their own mouths, and also that you lent them money to pay
their ransom; but that as urgent business obliged you to set out before
them, Horatio asked you to go and visit his father here, whose
adventures he was acquainted with, and with whom you were to stay a few
days till their arrival. I have given you a long lesson now.
LEL. These repetitions are superfluous. From the very beginning I
understood it all.
MASC. I shall go in and prepare the way.
LEL. Listen, Mascarille, there is only one thing that troubles me;
suppose he should ask me to describe his son's countenance?
MASC. There is no difficulty in answering that! You know he was very
little when he saw him last. Besides it is very likely that increase of
years and slavery have completely changed him.
LEL. That is true. But pray, if he should remember my face, what must I
do then?
MASC. Have you no memory at all? I told you just now, that he has merely
seen you for a minute, that therefore you could only have produced a
very transient impression on his mind; besides, your beard and dress
disguise you completely.
LEL. Very well. But, now I think of it, what part of Turkey...?
MASC. It is all the same, I tell you, Turkey or Barbary.
LEL. But what is the name of the town I saw them in?
MASC. Tunis. I think he will keep me till night. He tells me it is
useless to repeat that name so often, and I have already mentioned it a
dozen times.
LEL. Go, go in and prepare matters; I want nothing more.
MASC. Be cautious at least, and act wisely. Let us have none of your
inventions here.
LEL. Let me alone! Trust to me, I say, once more.
MASC. Observe, Horatio, a schoolboy in Bologna; Trufaldin, his true name
Zanobio Ruberti, a citizen of Naples; the tutor was called Alberto...
LEL. You make me blush by preaching so much to me; do you think I am a
fool?
MASC. No, not completely, but something very like it.
SCENE II.--LELIO, _alone_.
When I do not stand in need of him he cringes, but now, because he very
well knows of how much use he is to me, his familiarity indulges in such
remarks as he just now made. I shall bask in the sunshine of those
beautiful eyes, which hold me in so sweet a captivity, and, without
hindrance, depict in the most glaring colours the tortures I feel. I
shall then know my fate.... But here they are.
SCENE III.--TRUFALDIN, LELIO, MASCARILLE.
TRUF. Thanks, righteous heaven, for this favourable turn of my fortune!
MASC. You are the man to see visions and dream dreams, since you prove
how untrue is the saying that dreams are falsehoods.
[Footnote: In French there is a play on words between _songes_,
dreams, and _mensonges_, falsehoods, which cannot be rendered into
English.]
TRUF. How can I thank you? what returns can I make you, sir? You, whom I
ought to style the messenger sent from Heaven to announce my happiness!
LEL. These compliments are superfluous; I can dispense with them.
TRUF. (_To Mascarille_). I have seen somebody like this Armenian,
but I do not know where.
MASC. That is what I was saying, but one sees surprising likenesses
sometimes.
TRUF. You have seen that son of mine, in whom all my hopes are centred?
LEL. Yes, Signor Trufaldin, and he was as well as well can be.
TRUF. He related to you his life and spoke much about me, did he not?
LEL. More than ten thousand times.
MASC. (_Aside to Lelio_). Not quite so much, I should say.
LEL. He described you just as I see you, your face, your gait.
TRUF. Is that possible? He has not seen me since he was seven years old.
And even his tutor, after so long a time, would scarcely know my face
again.
MASC. One's own flesh and blood never forget the image of one's
relations; this likeness is imprinted so deeply, that my father...
TRUF. Hold your tongue. Where was it you left him?
LEL. In Turkey, at Turin.
TRUF. Turin! but I thought that town was in Piedmont.
MASC. (_Aside_). Oh the dunce! (_To Trufaldin_). You do not
understand him; he means Tunis; it was in reality there he left your
son; but the Armenians always have a certain vicious pronunciation,
which seems very harsh to us; the reason of it is because in all their
words they change _nis_ into _rin_; and so, instead of saying
_Tunis_, they pronounce _Turin_.
TRUF. I ought to know this in order to understand him. Did he tell you
in what way you could meet with his father?
MASC. (_Aside_). What answer will he give?
[Footnote: Trufaldin having found out that Mascarille makes signs to his
master, the servant pretends to fence.]
(_To Trufaldin, after pretending to fence_). I was just practising
some passes; I have handled the foils in many a fencing school.
TRUF. (_To Mascarille_). That is not the thing I wish to know now.
(_To Lelio_). What other name did he say I went by?
MASC. Ah, Signor Zanobio Ruberti. How glad you ought to be for what
Heaven sends you!
LEL. That is your real name; the other is assumed.
TRUF. But where did he tell you he first saw the light?
MASC. Naples seems a very nice place, but you must feel a decided
aversion to it.
TRUF. Can you not let us go on with our conversation, without
interrupting us?
LEL. Naples is the place where he first drew his breath.
TRUF. Whither did I send him in his infancy, and under whose care?
MASC. That poor Albert behaved very well, for having accompanied your
son from Bologna, whom you committed to his care.
TRUF. Pshaw!
MASC. (_Aside_). We are undone if this conversation lasts long.
TRUF. I should very much like to know their adventures; aboard what ship
did my adverse fate...?
MASC. I do not know what is the matter with me, I do nothing but yawn.
But, Signor Trufaldin, perhaps this stranger may want some refreshment;
besides, it grows late.
LEL. No refreshment for me.
MASC. Oh sir, you are more hungry than you imagine.
TRUF. Please to walk in then.
LEL. After you, sir.
[Footnote: It shows that Lelio knows not what he is about when he does
the honours of the house to the master of the house himself, and forgets
that as a stranger he ought to go in first.]
MASC. (_To Trufaldin_). Sir, in Armenia, the masters of the house
use no ceremony. (_To Lelio, after Trufaldin has gone in_). Poor
fellow, have you not a word to say for yourself?
LEL. He surprised me at first; but never fear, I have rallied my
spirits, and am going to rattle away boldly..
MASC. Here comes our rival, who knows nothing of our plot. (_They go
into Trufaldin's house_).
SCENE IV.--ANSELMO, LEANDER.
ANS. Stay, Leander, and allow me to tell you something which concerns
your peace and reputation. I do not speak to you as the father of
Hippolyta, as a man interested for my own family, but as your father,
anxious for your welfare, without wishing to flatter you or to disguise
anything; in short, openly and honestly, as I would wish a child of mine
to be treated upon the like occasion. Do you know how everybody regards
this amour of yours, which in one night has burst forth? How your
yesterday's undertaking is everywhere talked of and ridiculed? What
people think of the whim which, they say, has made you select for a wife
a gipsy outcast, a strolling wench, whose noble occupation was only
begging? I really blushed for you, even more than I did for myself, who
am also compromised by this public scandal. Yes, I am compromised, I
say, I whose daughter, being engaged to you, cannot bear to see her
slighted, without taking offence at it. For shame, Leander; arise from
your humiliation; consider well your infatuation; if none of us are wise
at all times, yet the shortest errors are always the best. When a man
receives no dowry with his wife, but beauty only, repentance follows
soon after wedlock; and the handsomest woman in the world can hardly
defend herself against a lukewarmness caused by possession. I repeat it,
those fervent raptures, those youthful ardours and ecstacies, may make
us pass a few agreeable nights, but this bliss is not at all lasting,
and as our passions grow cool, very unpleasant days follow those
pleasant nights; hence proceed cares, anxieties, miseries, sons
disinherited through their fathers' wrath.
LEAND. All that I now hear from you is no more than what my own reason
has already suggested to me. I know how much I am obliged to you for the
great honour you are inclined to pay me, and of which I am unworthy. In
spite of the passion which sways me, I have ever retained a just sense
of your daughter's merit and virtue: therefore I will endeavour...
ANS. Somebody is opening this door; let us retire to a distance, lest
some contagion spreads from it, which may attack you suddenly.
SCENE V.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.
MASC. We shall soon see our roguery miscarry if you persist in such
palpable blunders.
LEL. Must I always hear your reprimands? What can you complain of? Have
I not done admirably since...?
MASC. Only middling; for example, you called the Turks heretics, and you
affirmed, on your corporal oath, that they worshipped the sun and moon
as their gods. Let that pass. What vexes me most is that, when you are
with Celia, you strangely forget yourself; your love is like porridge,
which by too fierce a fire swells, mounts up to the brim, and runs over
everywhere.
LEL. Could any one be more reserved? As yet I have hardly spoken to her.
MASC. You are right! but it is not enough to be silent; you had not been
a moment at table till your gestures roused more suspicion than other
people would have excited in a whole twelvemonth.
LEL. How so?
MASC. How so? Everybody might have seen it. At table, where Trufaldin
made her sit down, you never kept your eyes off her, blushed, looked
quite silly, cast sheep's eyes at her, without ever minding what you
were helped to; you were never thirsty but when she drank, and took the
glass eagerly from her hands; and without rinsing it, or throwing a drop
of it away, you drank what she left in it, and seemed to choose in
preference that side of the glass which her lips had touched; upon every
piece which her slender hand had touched, or which she had bit, you laid
your paw as quickly as a cat does upon a mouse, and you swallowed it as
glibly as if you were a regular glutton. Then, besides all this, you
made an intolerable noise, shuffling with your feet under the table, for
which Trufaldin, who received two lusty kicks, twice punished a couple
of innocent dogs, who would have growled at you if they dared; and yet,
in spite of all this, you say you behaved finely! For my part I sat upon
thorns all the time; notwithstanding the cold, I feel even now in a
perspiration. I hung over you just as a bowler does over his bowl after
he has thrown it, and thought to restrain your actions by contorting my
body ever so many times.
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