The Blunderer

M >> Moliere >> The Blunderer

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LEL. Ah! my dear boy, our luck has changed. Can you imagine how ill
fortune has served me?

MASC. What? What can it be?

LEL. Anselmo having found out the trick, just now got back every sou he
lent us, pretending some of the gold-pieces were bad, and that he was
going to change them.

MASC. You do but joke, I suppose?

LEL. It is but too true.

MASC. In good earnest?

LEL. In good earnest; I am very much grieved about it. It will put you
into a furious passion.

MASC. Me, sir! A fool might, but not I! Anger hurts, and I am going to
take care of myself, come what will. After all, whether Celia be captive
or free, whether Leander purchases her or whether she remains where she
is, I do not care one stiver about it.

LEL. Ah! do not show such indifference, but be a little more indulgent
to my slight imprudence. Had this last misfortune not happened, you
would have confessed that I did wonders, and that in this pretended
decease I deceived everybody, and counterfeited grief so admirably that
the most sharp-sighted would have been taken in.

MASC. Truly you have great reason to boast.

LEL. Oh! I am to blame, and I am willing to acknowledge it; but if ever
you cared for my happiness, repair this mishap, and help me.

MASC. I kiss your hands, I cannot spare the time.

LEL. Mascarille, my dear boy!

MASC. No.

LEL. Do me this favour.

MASC. No, I will not.

LEL. If you are inflexible, I shall kill myself.

MASC. Do so--you may.

LEL. Can I not soften your hard heart?

MASC. No.

LEL. Do you see my sword ready drawn?

MASC. Yes.

LEL. I am going to stab myself.

MASC. Do just what you please.

LEL. Would you not regret to be the cause of my death?

MASC. No.

LEL. Farewell, Mascarille.

MASC. Good bye, Master Lelio.

LEL. What...?

MASC. Kill yourself quick. You are a long while about it.

LEL. Upon my word, you would like me to play the fool and kill myself,
so that you might get hold of my clothes.

MASC. I knew all this was nothing but a sham; whatever people may swear
they will do, they are not so hasty now-a-days in killing themselves.

SCENE VIII.--TRUFALDIN, LEANDER, LELIO, MASCARILLE.

(_Trufaldin taking Leander aside and whispering to him_).

LEL. What do I see? my rival and Trufaldin together! He is going to buy
Celia. Oh! I tremble for fear.

MASC. There is no doubt that he will do all he can; and if he has money,
he can do all he will. For my part I am delighted. This is a just reward
for your blunders, your impatience.

LEL. What must I do? Advise me.

MASC. I don't know.

LEL. Stay, I will go and pick a quarrel with him.

MASC. What good will that do?

LEL. What would you have me do to ward off this blow?

MASC. Well, I pardon you; I will yet cast an eye of pity on you. Leave
me to watch them; I believe I shall discover what he intends to do by
fairer means. (_Exit Lelio_).

TRUF. (_To Leander_). When you send by and by, it shall be done.

MASC. (_Aside and going out_). I must trap him and become his
confidant, in order to baffle his designs the more easily.

LEAND. (_Alone_). Thanks to Heaven, my happiness is complete. I
have found the way to secure it, and fear nothing more. Whatever my
rival may henceforth attempt, it is no longer in his power to do me any
harm.

SCENE IX.--LEANDER, MASCARILLE.

MASC. (_Speaking these words within, and then coming on the
stage_). Oh! oh! Help! Murder! Help! They are killing me! Oh! oh! oh!
oh! Traitor! Barbarian!

LEAND. Whence comes that noise? What is the matter? What are they doing
to you?

MASC. He has just given me two hundred blows with a cudgel.

LEAND. Who?

MASC. Lelio.

LEAND. And for what reason?

MASC. For a mere trifle he has turned me away and beats me most
unmercifully.

LEAND. He is really much to blame.

MASC. But, I swear, if ever it lies in my power I will be revenged on
him. I will let you know, Mr. Thrasher, with a vengeance, that people's
bones are not to be broken for nothing! Though I am but a servant, yet I
am a man of honour. After having been in your service for four years you
shall not pay me with a switch, nor affront me in so sensible a part as
my shoulders! I tell you once more, I shall find a way to be revenged!
You are in love with a certain slave, you would fain induce me to get
her for you, but I will manage matters so that somebody else shall carry
her off; the deuce take me if I don't!

LEAND. Hear me, Mascarille, and moderate your passion. I always liked
you, and often wished that a young fellow, faithful and clever like you,
might one day or other take a fancy to enter my service. In a word, if
you think my offer worthy of acceptance, and if you have a mind to serve
me, from this moment I engage you.

MASC. With all my heart, sir, and so much the rather because good
fortune in serving you offers me an opportunity of being revenged, and
because in my endeavours to please you I shall at the same time punish
that wretch. In a word, by my dexterity, I hope to get Celia for...

LEAND. My love has provided already for that. Smitten by a faultless
fair one, I have just now bought her for less than her value.

MASC. What! Celia belongs to you, then?

LEAND. You should see her this minute, if I were the master of my own
actions. But alas! it is my father who is so; since he is resolved, as I
understand by a letter brought me, to make me marry Hippolyta. I would
not have this affair come to his knowledge lest it should exasperate
him. Therefore in my arrangement with Trufaldin (from whom I just now
parted), I acted purposely in the name of another. When the affair was
settled, my ring was chosen as the token, on the sight of which
Trufaldin is to deliver Celia. But I must first arrange the ways and
means to conceal from the eyes of others the girl who so much charms my
own, and then find some retired place where this lovely captive may be
secreted.

MASC. A little way out of town lives an old relative of mine, whose
house I can take the freedom to offer you; there you may safely lodge
her, and not a creature know anything of the matter.

LEAND. Indeed! so I can: you have delighted me with the very thing I
wanted. Here, take this, and go and get possession of the fair one. As
soon as ever Trufaldin sees my ring, my girl will be immediately
delivered into your hands. You can then take her to that house, when...
But hist! here comes Hippolyta.

SCENE X.--HIPPOLYTA, LEANDER, MASCARILLE.

HIPP. I have some news for you, Leander, but will you be pleased or
displeased with it?

LEAND. To judge of that, and make answer off-hand, I should know it.

HIPP. Give me your hand, then, as far as the church, and I will tell it
you as we go.

[Footnote: Generally it was thought preferable, during Moliere's
lifetime, to use the word _temple_ for "church," instead of
_eglise_.]

LEAND. (_To Mascarille_). Go, make haste, and serve me in that
business without delay.

SCENE XI.--MASCARILLE, _alone_.

Yes, I will serve you up a dish of my own dressing. Was there ever in
the world so lucky a fellow. How delighted Lelio will be soon! His
mistress to fall into our hands by these means! To derive his whole
happiness from the man he would have expected to ruin him! To become
happy by the hands of a rival! After this great exploit, I desire that
due preparations be made to paint me as a hero crowned with laurel, and
that underneath the portrait be inscribed in letters of gold: _Vivat
Mascarillus, rogum imperator_.

SCENE XII.--TRUFALDIN, MASCARILLE.

MASC. Soho, there!

TRUF. What do you want?

MASC. This ring, which you know, will inform you what business brings me
hither.

TRUF. Yes, I recognise that ring perfectly; stay a little, I will fetch
you the slave.

SCENE XIII.--TRUFALDIN, A MESSENGER, MASCARILLE.

MESS. (_To Trufaldin_). Do me the favor, sir, to tell me where
lives a gentleman....

TRUF. What gentleman?

MESS. I think his name is Trufaldin.

TRUF. And what is your business with him, pray? I am he.

MESS. Only to deliver this letter to him.

TRUF. (_Reads_). "_Providence, whose goodness watches over my
life, has just brought to my ears a most welcome report, that my
daughter, who was stolen from me by some robbers when she was four years
old, is now a slave at your house, under the name of Celia. If ever you
knew what it was to be a father, and if natural affection makes an
impression on your heart, then keep in your house this child so dear to
me, and treat her as if she were your own flesh and blood. I am
preparing to set out myself in order to fetch her. You shall be so well
rewarded for your trouble, that in everything that relates to your
happiness (which I am determined to advance) you shall have reason to
bless the day in which you caused mine_."

DON PEDRO DE GUSMAN,
From Madrid. Marquess of MONTALCANA

Though the gipsies can be seldom believed, yet they who sold her to me
told me she would soon be fetched by somebody, and that I should have no
reason to complain. Yet here I was going, all through my impatience, to
lose the fruits of a great expectation. (_To the Messenger_). Had
you come but one moment later, your journey would have been in vain; I
was going, this very instant, to give the girl up into this gentleman's
hands; but it is well, I shall take great care of her. (_Exit
Messenger_). (_To Mascarille_). You yourself have heard what
this letter says, so you may tell the person who sent you that I cannot
keep my word, and that he had better come and receive his money back.

MASC. But the way you insult him...

TRUF. Go about your business, and no more words.

MASC. (_Alone_). Oh, what a curse that this letter came now! Fate is
indeed against me. What bad luck for this messenger to come from Spain
when he was not wanted! May thunder and hail go with him! Never,
certainly, had so happy a beginning such a sad ending in so short a
time.

SCENE XIV.--LELIO _laughing_, MASCARILLE.

MASC. What may be the cause of all this mirth?

LEL. Let me have my laugh out before I tell you.

MASC. Let us laugh then heartily, we have abundant cause so to do.

LEL. Oh! I shall no longer be the object of your expostulations: you who
always reproach me shall no longer say that I am marrying all your
schemes, like a busy-body as I am. I myself have played one of the
cleverest tricks in the world. It is true I am quick-tempered, and now
and then rather too hasty; but yet, when I have a mind to it, I can plan
as many tricks as any man alive; even you shall own that what I have
done shows an amount of sharpness rarely to be met with.

MASC. Let us hear what tricks you have invented.

LEL. Just now, being terribly frightened on seeing Trufaldin along with
my rival, I was casting about to find a remedy for that mischief, when,
calling all my invention to my aid, I conceived, digested, and perfected
a stratagem, before which all yours, however vain you may be of them,
ought undoubtedly to lower their colours.

MASC. But what may this be?

LEL. May it please you to have a little patience. Without much delay I
invented a letter, written by an imaginary nobleman to Trufaldin,
setting forth that, having fortunately heard that a certain slave, who
lives in the latter's house, and is named Celia, was this grandee's
daughter formerly kidnapped by thieves, it was his intention to come and
fetch her; and he entreats him at least to keep her and take great care
of her; for, that on her account he was setting out from Spain, and
would acknowledge his civility by such handsome presents, that he should
never regret being the means of making him happy.

MASC. Mighty well.

LEL. Hear me out; here is something much cleverer still. The letter I
speak of was delivered to him, but can you imagine how? Only just in
time, for the messenger told me, had it not been for this droll device,
a fellow, who looked very foolish, was waiting to carry her off that
identical moment.

MASC. And you did all this without the help of the devil?

LEL. Yes. Would you have believed me capable of such a subtle piece of
wit? At least praise my skill, and the dexterity with which I have
utterly disconcerted the scheme of my rival.

MASC. To praise you as you deserve, I lack eloquence; and feel unequal
to the task. Yes, sufficiently to commend this lofty effort, this fine
stratagem of war achieved before our eyes, this grand and rare effect of
a mind which plans as many tricks as any man, which for smartness yields
to none alive, my tongue wants words. I wish I had the abilities of the
most refined scholars, so that I might tell you in the noblest verse, or
else in learned prose, that you will always be, in spite of everything
that may be done, the very same you have been all your life; that is to
say, a scatter-brain, a man of distempered reason, always perplexed,
wanting common sense, a man of left-handed judgment, a meddler, an ass,
a blundering, hare-brained, giddy fellow,--what can I think of? A... a
hundred times worse than anything I can say. This is only an abridgement
of your panegyric.

LEL. Tell me, what puts you in such a passion with me? Have I done
anything? Clear up this matter.

MASC. No, you have done nothing at all; but do not come after me.

LEL. I will follow you all over the world to find out this mystery.

MASC. Do so. Come on, then; get your legs in order, I shall give you an
opportunity to exercise them.

LEL. (_Alone_). He has got away from me! O misfortune which cannot
be allayed! What am I to understand by his discourse? And what harm can
I possibly have done to myself?

ACT III.

SCENE I.--MASCARILLE, _alone_

[Footnote: Compare Launcelot Gobbo's speech about his conscience in
Shakspeare's _Merchant of Venice_ (ii. 2).]

Silence, my good nature, and plead no more; you are a fool, and I am
determined not to do it. Yes, my anger, you are right, I confess it! To
be for ever doing what a meddler undoes, is showing too much patience,
and I ought to give it up after the glorious attempts he has marred. But
let us argue the matter a little without passion; if I should now give
way to my just impatience the world will say I sank under difficulties,
that my cunning was completely exhausted. What then becomes of that
public esteem, which extols you everywhere as a first-rate rogue, and
which you have acquired upon so many occasions, because you never yet
were found wanting in inventions? Honour, Mascarille, is a fine thing;
do not pause in your noble labours; and whatever a master may have done
to incense you, complete your work, for your own glory, and not to
oblige him. But what success can you expect, if you are thus continually
crossed by your evil genius? You see he compels you every moment to
change your tone; you may as well hold water in a sieve as try to stop
that resistless torrent, which in a moment overturns the most beautiful
structures raised by your art. Well, once more, out of kindness, and
whatever may happen, let us take some pains, even if they are in vain;
yet, if he still persists in baffling my designs, then I shall withdraw
all assistance. After all, our affairs are not going on badly, if we
could but supplant our rival, and if Leander, at last weary of his
pursuit, would leave us one whole day for my intended operations. Yes, I
have a most ingenious plot in my head, from which I expect a glorious
success, if I had no longer that obstacle in my way. Well, let us see if
he still persists in his love.

SCENE II.--LEANDER, MASCARILLE.

MASC. Sir, I have lost my labour; Trufaldin will not keep his word.

LEAND. He himself has told me the whole affair; but, what is more, I
have discovered that all this pretty rigmarole about Celia being carried
off by gypsies, and having a great nobleman for her father, who is
setting out from Spain to come hither, is nothing but a mere stratagem,
a merry trick, a made-up story, a tale raised by Lelio to prevent my
buying Celia.

MASC. Here is roguery for you!

LEAND. And yet this ridiculous story has produced such an impression on
Trufaldin, and he has swallowed the bait of this shallow device so
greedily, that he will not allow himself to be undeceived.

MASC. So that henceforth he will watch her carefully. I do not see we
can do anything more.

LEAND. If at first I thought this girl amiable, I now find her
absolutely adorable, and I am in doubt whether I ought not to employ
extreme measures to make her my own, thwart her ill fortune by plighting
her my troth, and turn her present chains into matrimonial ones.

MASC. Would you marry her?

LEAND. I am not yet determined, but if her origin is somewhat obscure,
her charms and her virtue are gentle attractions, which have incredible
force to allure every heart.

MASC. Did you not mention her virtue?

LEAND. Ha! what is that you mutter? Out with it; explain what you mean
by repeating that word "virtue."

MASC. Sir, your countenance changes all of a sudden; perhaps I had much
better hold my tongue.

LEAND. No, no, speak out.

MASC. Well, then, out of charity I will cure you of your blindness. That
girl....

LEAND. Proceed.

MASC. So far from being merciless, makes no difficulty in obliging some
people in private; you may believe me, after all she is not
stony-hearted, to any one who knows how to take her in the right mood.
She looks demure, and would fain pass for a prude; but I can speak of
her on sure grounds. You know I understand something of the craft, and
ought to know that kind of cattle.

LEAND. What! Celia?...

MASC. Yes, her modesty is nothing but a mere sham, the semblance of a
virtue which will never hold out, but vanishes, as any one may discover,
before the shining rays emitted from a purse.

[Footnote: This is an allusion to the rays of the sun, placed above the
crown, and stamped on all golden crown-pieces, struck in France from
Louis XI. (November 2, 1475) until the end of the reign of Louis XIII.
These crowns were called _ecus au soleil_. Louis XIV. took much
later for his device the sun shining in full, with the motto, _Nec
pluribus impar_.]

LEAND. Heavens! What do you tell me? Can I believe such words?

MASC. Sir, there is no compulsion; what does it matter to me? No, pray
do not believe me, follow your own inclination, take the sly girl and
marry her; the whole city, in a body, will acknowledge this favour; you
marry the public good in her.

LEAND. What a strange surprise!

MASC. (_Aside_). He has taken the bait. Courage, my lad; if he does
but swallow it in good earnest, we shall have got rid of a very awkward
obstruction on our path.

LEAND. This astonishing account nearly kills me.

MASC. What! Can you...

LEAND. Go to the post-office, and see if there is a letter for me.
(_Alone, and for a while lost in thought_). Who would not have been
imposed upon? If what he says be true then there never was any
countenance more deceiving.

SCENE III.--LELIO, LEANDER.

LEL. What may be the cause of your looking so sad?

LEAND. Who, I?

LEL. Yes, yourself.

LEAND. I have, however, no occasion to be so.

LEL. I see well enough what it is; Celia is the cause of it.

LEAND. My mind does not run upon such trifles.

LEL. And yet you had formed some grand scheme to get her into your
hands; but you must speak thus, as your stratagem has miscarried.

LEAND. Were I fool enough to be enamoured of her, I should laugh at all
your finesse.

LEL. What finesse, pray?

LEAND. Good Heavens! sir, we know all.

LEL. All what?

LEAND. All your actions, from beginning to end.

LEL. This is all Greek to me; I do not understand one word of it.

LEAND. Pretend, if you please, not to understand me; but believe me, do
not apprehend that I shall take a property which I should be sorry to
dispute with you. I adore a beauty who has not been sullied, and do not
wish to love a depraved woman.

LEL. Gently, gently, Leander.

LEAND. Oh! how credulous you are! I tell you once more, you may attend
on her now without suspecting anybody. You may call yourself a
lady-killer. It is true, her beauty is very uncommon, but, to make
amends for that, the rest is common enough.

LEL. Leander, no more of this provoking language. Strive against me as
much as you like in order to obtain her; but, above all things, do not
traduce her so vilely. I should consider myself a great coward if I
could tamely submit to hear my earthly deity slandered. I can much
better bear your rivalry than listen to any speech that touches her
character.

LEAND. What I state here I have from very good authority.

LEL. Whoever told you so is a scoundrel and a rascal. Nobody can
discover the least blemish in this young lady; I know her heart well.

LEAND. But yet Mascarille is a very competent judge in such a cause; he
thinks her guilty.

LEL. He?

LEAND. He himself.

LEL. Does he pretend impudently to slander a most respectable young
lady, thinking, perhaps, I should only laugh at it? I will lay you a
wager he eats his words.

LEAND. I will lay you a wager he does not.

LEL. 'Sdeath! I would break every bone in his body should he dare to
assert such lies to me,

LEAND. And I will crop his ears, if he does not prove every syllable he
has told me.

SCENE IV.--LELIO, LEANDER, MASCARILLE.

LEL. Oh! that's lucky; there he is. Come hither, cursed hangdog!

MASC. What is the matter?

LEL. You serpent's tongue! so full of lies! dare you fasten your stings
on Celia, and slander the most consummate virtue that ever added lustre
to misfortune?

MASC. (_In a whisper to Lelio_). Gently; I told him so on purpose.

LEL. No, no; none of your winking, and none of your jokes. I am blind
and deaf to all you do or say. If it were my own brother he should pay
dear for it; for to dare defame her whom I adore is to wound me in the
most tender part. You make all these signs in vain. What was it you said
to him?

MASC. Good Heavens! do not quarrel, or I shall leave you.

LEL. You shall not stir a step.

MASC. Oh!

LEL. Speak then; confess.

MASC. (_Whispering to Lelio_). Let me alone. I tell you it is a
stratagem.

LEL. Make haste; what was it you said? Clear up this dispute between us.

MASC. (_In a whisper to Lelio_). I said what I said. Pray do not
put yourself in a passion.

LEL. (_Drawing his sword_). I shall make you talk in another
strain.

LEAND. (_Stopping him_). Stay your hand a little; moderate your
ardour.

MASC. (_Aside_). Was there ever in the world a creature so dull of
understanding?

LEL. Allow me to wreak my just vengeance on him.

LEAND. It is rather too much to wish to chastise him in my presence.

LEL. What! have I no right, then, to chastise my own servant?

LEAND. What do you mean by saying "your servant?"

MASC. (_Aside_). He is at it again! He will discover all.

LEL. Suppose I had a mind to thrash him within an inch of his life, what
then? He is my own servant.

LEAND. At present he is mine.

LEL. That is an admirable joke. How comes he to be yours? Surely...

MASC. (_In a whisper_). Gently.

LEL. What are you whispering?

MASC. (_Aside_). Oh! the confounded blockhead. He is going to spoil
everything, He understands not one of my signs.

LEL. You are dreaming, Leander. You are telling me a pretty story! Is he
not my servant?

LEAND. Did you not discharge him from your service for some fault?

LEL. I do not know what this means.

LEAND. And did you not, in the violence of your passion, make his back
smart most unmercifully?

LEL. No such thing. I discharge him! cudgel him! Either you make a jest
of me, Leander, or he has been making a jest of you.

MASC. (_Aside_). Go on, go on, numskull; you will do your own
business effectually.

LEAND. (_To Mascarille_). Then all this cudgelling is purely
imaginary?

MASC. He does not know what he says; his memory...

LEAND. No, no; all these signs do not look well for you. I suspect some
prettily contrived trick here; but for the ingenuity of the invention,
go your ways, I forgive you. It is quite enough that I am undeceived,
and see now why you imposed upon me. I come off cheap, because I trusted
myself to your hypocritical zeal. A word to the wise is enough.
Farewell, Lelio, farewell; your most obedient servant.

SCENE V.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.

MASC. Take courage, my boy, may fortune ever attend us I Let us draw and
bravely take the field; let us act _Olibrius, the slayer of the
innocents_.

[Footnote: Olibrius was, according to ancient legends, a Roman governor
of Gaul, in the time of the Emperor Decius, very cruel, and a great
boaster.]

LEL. He accused you of slandering...

MASC. And you could not let the artifice pass, nor let him remain in his
error, which did you good service, and which pretty nearly extinguished
his passion. No, honest soul, he cannot bear dissimulation. I cunningly
get a footing at his rival's, who, like a dolt, was going to place his
mistress in my hands, but he, Lelio, prevents me getting hold of her by
a fictitious letter; I try to abate the passion of his rival, my hero
presently comes and undeceives him. In vain I make signs to him, and
show him it was all a contrivance of mine; it signifies nothing; he
continues to the end, and never rests satisfied till he has discovered
all. Grand and sublime effect of a mind which is not inferior to any man
living! It is an exquisite piece, and worthy, in troth, to be made a
present of to the king's private museum.

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