The Blunderer

M >> Moliere >> The Blunderer

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MASC. Say? that she is passionately fond of you.

ANS. Is she?

MASC. She loves you so that I very much pity her.

ANS. How happy you make me!

MASC. The poor thing is nearly dying with love. "Oh, my dearest
Anselmo," she cries every minute, "when shall marriage unite our two
hearts? When will you vouchsafe to extinguish my flames?"

ANS. But why has she hitherto concealed this from me? Girls, in troth,
are great dissemblers! Mascarille, what do you say, really? Though in
years, yet I look still well enough to please the eye.

MASC. Yes, truly, that face of yours is still very passable; if it is
not of the handsomest in the world, it is very agreeable. [Footnote: The
original has a play on words which cannot be translated, as, _ce
visage est encore fort mettable....,s'il n'est pas des plus beaux, il
est des agreables_; which two last words, according to pronunciation,
can also mean disagreeable. This has been often imitated in French.
After the Legion of Honour was instituted in France in 1804, some of the
wits of the time asked the Imperialists: _etes-vous des honores?_]

ANS. So that...

MASC. (_Endeavouring to take the purse_). So that she dotes on you;
and regards you no longer...

ANS. What?

MASC. But as a husband: and fully intends...

ANS. And fully intends...?

MASC. And fully intends, whatever may happen, to steal your purse....

ANS. To steal...?

MASC. (_Taking the purse, and letting it fall to the ground_). To
steal a kiss from your mouth.

[Footnote: There is here again, in the original, a play on the words
_bourse_, purse, and _bouche_, mouth, which cannot be rendered
in English.]

ANS. Ah! I understand you. Come hither! The next time you see her, be
sure to say as many fine things of me as possible.

MASC. Let me alone.

ANS. Farewell.

MASC. May Heaven guide you!

ANS. (_Returning_). Hold! I really should have committed a strange
piece of folly; and you might justly have accused me of neglect. I
engage you to assist me in serving my passion. You bring good tidings,
and I do not give you the smallest present to reward your zeal. Here, be
sure to remember....

MASC. O, pray, don't.

[Footnote: Compare in Shakspeare's _Winter's Tale_ Autolyeus'
answer to Camillo (Act IV., Scene 3), who gives him money, "I am a poor
fellow, sir, ... I cannot with conscience take it."]

ANS. Permit me....

MASC. I won't, indeed: I do not act thus for the sake of money.

ANS. I know you do not. But however...

MASC. No, Anselmo, I will not. I am a man of honour; this offends me.

ANS. Farewell then, Mascarille.

MASC. (_Aside_). How long-winded he is!

ANS. (_Coming back_). I wish you to carry a present to the fair
object of my desires. I will give you some money to buy her a ring, or
any other trifle, as you may think will please her most.

MASC. No, there is no need of your money; without troubling yourself, I
will make her a present; a fashionable ring has been left in my hands,
which you may pay for afterwards, if it fits her.

ANS. Be it so; give it her in my name; but above all, manage matters in
such a manner that she may still desire to make me her own.

SCENE VII.--LELIO, ANSELMO, MASCARILLE.

LEL. (_Taking up the purse_). Whose purse is this?

[Footnote: During the whole of the preceding scene Mascarille has
quietly kicked the purse away, so as to be out of sight of Anselmo,
intending to pick it up when the latter has gone.]

ANS. Oh Heavens! I dropt it, and might have afterwards believed somebody
had picked my pocket. I am very much obliged to you for your kindness,
which saves me a great deal of vexation, and restores me my money. I
shall go home this minute and get rid of it.

SCENE VIII.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.

MASC. Od's death! You have been very obliging, very much so.

LEL. Upon my word! if it had not been for me he would have lost his
money.

MASC. Certainly, you do wonders, and show to-day a most exquisite
judgment and supreme good fortune. We shall prosper greatly; go on as
you have begun.

LEL. What is the matter now? What have I done?

MASC. To speak plainly as you wish me to do, and as I ought, you have
acted like a fool. You know very well that your father leaves you
without money; that a formidable rival follows us closely; yet for all
this, when to oblige you I venture on a trick of which I take all the
shame and danger upon myself...

LEL. What? was this...?

MASC. Yes, ninny; it was to release the captive that I was getting the
money, whereof your officiousness took care to deprive us.

LEL. If that is the case, I am in the wrong. But who could have imagined
it?

MASC. It really required a great deal of discernment.

LEL. You should have made some signs to warn me of what was going on.

MASC. Yes, indeed; I ought to have eyes in my back. By Jove, be quiet,
and let us hear no more of your nonsensical excuses. Another, after all
this, would perhaps abandon everything; but I have planned just now a
master-stroke, which I will immediately put into execution, on condition
that if...

[Footnote: The play is supposed to be in Sicily; hence Pagan oaths are
not out of place. Even at the present time Italians say, _per Jove!
per Bacco!_]

LEL. No, I promise you henceforth not to interfere either in word or
deed.

MASC. Go away, then, the very sight of you kindles my wrath.

LEL. Above all, don't delay, for fear that in this business...

MASC. Once more, I tell you, begone! I will set about it. (_Exit
Lelio_). Let us manage this well; it will be a most exquisite piece
of roguery; if it succeeds, as I think it must. We'll try....But here
comes the very man I want.

SCENE IX.--PANDOLPHUS, MASCARILLE.

PAND. Mascarille!

MASC. Sir?

PAND. To tell you the truth, I am very dissatisfied with my son.

MASC. With my master? You are not the only one who complains of him. His
bad conduct which has grown unbearable in everything, puts me each
moment out of patience.

PAND. I thought, however, you and he understood one another pretty well.

MASC. I? Believe it not, sir. I am always trying to put him in mind of
his duty: we are perpetually at daggers drawn. Just now we had a quarrel
again about his engagement with Hippolyta, which, I find he is very
averse to. By a most disgraceful refusal he violates all the respect due
to a father.

PAND. A quarrel?

MASC. Yes, a quarrel, and a desperate one too.

PAND. I was very much deceived then, for I thought you supported him in
all he did.

MASC. I? See what this world is come to! How is innocence always
oppressed! If you knew but my integrity, you would give me the
additional salary of a tutor, whereas I am only paid as his servant.
Yes, you yourself could not say more to him than I do in order to make
him behave better. "For goodness' sake, sir," I say to him very often,
"cease to be driven hither and thither with every wind that
blows,--reform; look what a worthy father Heaven has given you, what a
reputation he has. Forbear to stab him thus to the heart, and live, as
he does, as a man of honour."

PAND. That was well said; and what answer could he make to this?

MASC. Answer? Why only nonsense, with which he almost drives me mad. Not
but that at the bottom of his heart he retains those principles of
honour which he derives from you; but reason, at present, does not sway
him. If I might be allowed to speak freely, you should soon see him
submissive without much trouble.

PAND. Speak out.

MASC. It is a secret which would have serious consequences for me,
should it be discovered; but I am quite sure I can confide it to your
prudence.

PAND. You are right.

MASC. Know then that your wishes are sacrificed to the love your son has
for a certain slave.

PAND. I have been told so before; but to hear it from your mouth pleases
me.

MASC. I leave you to judge whether I am his secret confidant...

PAND. I am truly glad of it.

MASC. However, do you wish to bring him back to his duty, without any
public scandal? You must... (I am in perpetual fear lest anybody should
surprise us. Should he learn what I have told you, I should be a dead
man.) You must, as I was saying, to break off this business, secretly
purchase this slave, whom he so much idolizes, and send her into another
country. Anselmo is very intimate with Trufaldin; let him go and buy her
for you this very morning. Then, if you put her into my hands, I know
some merchants, and promise you to sell her for the money she costs you,
and to send her out of the way in spite of your son. For, if you would
have him disposed for matrimony, we must divert this growing passion.
Moreover, even if he were resolved to wear the yoke you design for him,
yet this other girl might revive his foolish fancy, and prejudice him
anew against matrimony.

PAND. Very well argued. I like this advice much. Here comes Anselmo; go,
I will do my utmost quickly to obtain possession of this troublesome
slave, when I will put her into your hands to finish the rest.

MASC. (_Alone_). Bravo, I will go and tell my master of this. Long
live all knavery, and knaves also!

SCENE X.--HIPPOLYTA, MASCARILLE.

HIPP. Ay, traitor, is it thus that you serve me? I overheard all, and
have myself been a witness of your treachery. Had I not, could I have
suspected this? You are an arrant rogue, and you have deceived me. You
promised me, you miscreant, and I expected, that you would assist me in
my passion for Leander, that your skill and your management should find
means to break off my match with Lelio; that you would free me from my
father's project; and yet you are doing quite the contrary. But you will
find yourself mistaken. I know a sure method of breaking off the
purchase you have been urging Pandolphus to make, and I will go
immediately....

MASC. How impetuous you are! You fly into a passion in a moment; without
inquiring whether you are right or wrong, you fall foul of me. I am in
the wrong, and I ought to make your words true, without finishing what I
began, since you abuse me so outrageously.

HIPP. By what illusion do you think to dazzle my eyes, traitor? Can you
deny what I have just now heard?

MASC. No; but you must know that all this plotting was only contrived to
serve you; that this cunning advice, which appeared so sincere, tends to
make both old men fall into the snare; that all the pains I have taken
for getting Celia into my hands, through their means, was to secure her
for Lelio, and to arrange matters so that Anselmo, in the very height of
passion, and finding himself disappointed of his son-in-law, might make
choice of Leander.

HIPP. What! This admirable scheme, which has angered me so much, was all
for my sake, Mascarille?

MASC. Yes, for your sake; but since I find my good offices meet with so
bad a return,--since I have thus to bear your caprices, and as a reward
for my services, you come here with a haughty air, and call me knave,
cur, and cheat, I shall presently go, correct the mistake I have
committed, and undo what I had undertaken to perform.

HIPP. (_Holding him_.) Nay, do not be so severe upon me, and
forgive these outbursts of a sudden passion.

MASC. No, no; let me go. I have it yet in my power to set aside the
scheme which offends you so much. Henceforth you shall have no occasion
to complain of my zeal. Yes, you shall have my master, I promise you.

HIPP. My good Mascarille, be not in such a passion. I judged you ill; I
was wrong; I confess I was. (_Pulls out her purse_). But I intend
to atone for my fault with this. Could you find it in your heart to
abandon me thus?

MASC. No, I cannot, do what I will. But your impetuosity was very
shocking. Let me tell you that nothing offends a noble mind so much as
the smallest imputation upon its honour.

HIPP. It is true; I treated you to some very harsh language, but here
are two louis to heal your wounds.

MASC. Oh! all this is nothing. I am very sensitive on this point; but my
passion begins to cool a little already. We must bear with the failings
of our friends.

HIPP. Can you, then, bring about what I so earnestly wish for? Do you
believe your daring projects will be as favourable to my passion as you
imagine?

MASC. Do not make yourself uneasy on that account. I have several irons
in the fire, and though this stratagem should fail us, what this cannot
do, another shall.

HIPP. Depend upon it, Hippolyta will at least not be ungrateful.

MASC. It is not the hope of gain that makes me act.

HIPP. Your master beckons and wishes to speak with you. I will leave
you, but remember to do what you can for me.

SCENE XI.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.

LEL. What the deuce are you doing there? You promised to perform
wonders, but I am sure your dilatory ways are unparalleled. Had not my
good genius inspired me, my happiness had been already wholly
overthrown. There was an end to my good fortune, my joy. I should have
been a prey to eternal grief; in short, had I not gone to this place in
the very nick of time, Anselmo would have got possession of the captive,
and I should have been deprived of her. He was carrying her home, but I
parried the thrust, warded off the blow, and so worked upon Trufaldin's
fears as to make him keep the girl.

MASC. This is the third time! When we come to ten we will score. It was
by my contrivance, incorrigible scatterbrains, that Anselmo undertook
this desirable purchase; she should have been placed into my own hands,
but your cursed officiousness knocks everything on the head again. Do
you think I shall still labour to serve your love? I would sooner a
hundred times become a fat old woman, a dolt, a cabbage, a lantern, a
wehrwolf, and that Satan should twist your neck!

LEL. (_Alone_.) I must take him to some tavern and let him vent his
passion on the bottles and glasses.

ACT II.

SCENE I.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.

MASC. I have at length yielded to your desires. In spite of all my
protestations I could hold out no longer; I am going to venture upon new
dangers, to promote your interest, which I intended to abandon. So
tender-hearted am I! If dame nature had made a girl of Mascarille, I
leave you to guess what would have happened. However, after this
assurance, do not deal a back stroke to the project I am about to
undertake; do not make a blunder and frustrate my expectations. Then, as
to Anselmo, we shall anew present your excuses to him, in order to get
what we desire. But should your imprudence burst forth again hereafter,
then you may bid farewell to all the trouble I take for the object of
your passion.

LEL. No, I shall be careful, I tell you; never fear; you shall see....

MASC. Well, mind that you keep your word. I have planned a bold
stratagem for your sake. Your father is very backward in satisfying all
your wishes by his death. I have just killed him (in words, I mean); I
have spread a report that the good man, being suddenly smitten by a fit
of apoplexy, has departed this life. But first, so that I might the
better pretend he was dead, I so managed that he went to his barn. I had
a person ready to come and tell him that the workmen employed on his
house accidentally discovered a treasure, in digging the foundations. He
set out in an instant, and as all his people, except us two, have gone
with him into the country, I shall kill him to-day in everybody's
imagination and produce some image which I shall bury under his name. I
have already told you what I wish you to do; play your part well; and as
to the character I have to keep up, if you perceive that I miss one word
of it, tell me plainly I am nothing but a fool.

SCENE II.--LELIO, _alone_.

It is true, he has found out a strange way to accomplish my wishes
fully; but when we are very much in love with a fair lady, what would we
not do to be made happy? If love is said to be an excuse for a crime, it
may well serve for a slight piece of imposture, which love's ardour
to-day compels me to comply with, in expectation of the happy
consequences that may result from it. Bless me! How expeditious they
are. I see them already talking together about it; let us prepare to act
our part.

SCENE III.--MASCARILLE, ANSELMO.

MASC. The news may well surprise you.

ANS. To die in such a manner!

MASC. He was certainly much to blame. I can never forgive him for such a
freak.

ANS. Not even to take time to be ill.

MASC. No, never was a man in such a hurry to die.

ANS. And how does Lelio behave?

MASC. He raves, and has lost all command over his temper; he has beaten
himself till he is black and blue in several places, and wishes to
follow his father into the grave. In short, to make an end of this, the
excess of his grief has made me with the utmost speed wrap the corpse in
a shroud, for fear the sight, which fed his melancholy, should tempt him
to commit some rash act.

ANS. No matter, you ought to have waited until evening. Besides, I
should have liked to see Pandolphus once more. He who puts a shroud on a
man too hastily very often commits murder; for a man is frequently
thought dead when he only seems to be so.

MASC. I warrant him as dead as dead can be. But now, to return to what
we were talking about, Lelio has, resolved (and it will do him good) to
give his father a fine funeral, and to comfort the deceased a little for
his hard fate, by the pleasure of seeing that we pay him such honours
after his death. My master inherits a goodly estate, but as he is only a
novice in business, and does not see his way clearly in his affairs,
since the greater part of his property lies in another part of the
country, or what he has here consists in paper, he would beg of you,
after having entreated you to excuse the too great violence which he has
shewn of late, to lend him for this last duty at least....

ANS. You have told me so already, and I will go and see him.

MASC. (_Alone_). Hitherto, at least, everything goes on swimmingly;
let us endeavour to make the rest answer as well; and lest we should be
wrecked in the very harbour, let us steer the ship carefully and keep a
sharp look out.

SCENE IV.--ANSELMO, LELIO, MASCARILLE.

ANS. (_Coming out of Pandolphus' house_). Let us leave the house. I
cannot, without great sorrow, see him wrapped up in this strange manner.
Alas! in so short a time! He was alive this morning.

MASC. We go sometimes over a good deal of ground in a short time.

LEL. (_Weeping_). Oh!

ANS. Dear Lelio, he was but a man after all; even Rome can grant no
dispensation from death.

LEL. Oh!

ANS. Death smites men without giving warning, and always has bad designs
against them.

LEL. Oh!

ANS. That merciless foe would not loosen one grip of his murderous
teeth, however we may entreat him. Everybody must feel them.

LEL. Oh!

MASC. Your preaching will all be in vain; this sorrow is too deep-rooted
to be plucked up.

ANS. If, notwithstanding all these arguments, you will not cast aside
your grief, at least, my dear Lelio, endeavour to moderate it.

LEL. Oh!

MASC. He will not moderate it; I know his temper.

ANS. However, according to your servant's message, I have brought you
the money you want, so that you might celebrate your father's funeral
obsequies!

LEL. Oh! oh!

MASC. How his grief increases at these words! It will kill him to think
of his misfortune.

ANS. I know you will find by the good man's books that I owe him a much
larger sum, but even if I should not owe anything, you could freely
command my purse. Here it is; I am entirely at your service, and will
show it.

LEL. (_Going away_). Oh!

MASC. How full of grief is my master!

ANS. Mascarille, I think it right he should give me some kind of receipt
under his hand.

MASC. Oh!

ANS. Nothing in this world is certain.

MASC. Oh! oh!

ANS. Get him to sign me the receipt I require.

MASC. Alas! How can he comply with your desire in the condition he now
is? Give him but time to get rid of his sorrow; and, when his troubles
abate a little, I shall take care immediately to get you your security.
Your servant, sir, my heart is over full of grief, and I shall go to
take my fill of weeping with him. Hi! Hi!

ANS. (_Alone_). This world is full of crosses; we meet with them
every day in different shapes, and never here below...

SCENE V.--PANDOLPHUS, ANSELMO.

ANS. Oh Heavens! how I tremble! It is Pandolphus who has returned to the
earth! God grant nothing disturbed his repose! How wan his face is grown
since his death! Do not come any nearer. I beseech you; I very much
detest to jostle a ghost.

PAND. What can be the reason of this whimsical terror?

ANS. Keep your distance, and tell me what business brings you here. If
you have taken all this trouble to bid me farewell, you do me too much
honour; I could really have done very well without your compliment. If
your soul is restless, and stands in need of prayers. I promise you you
shall have them, but do not frighten me. Upon the word of a terrified
man, I will immediately set prayers agoing for you, to your very heart's
content.

"Oh, dead worship, please to go!
Heaven, if now you disappear,
Will grant you joy down there below,
And health as well, for many a year."

[Footnote: This seems to be an imitation of a spell, charm, or
incantation to lay the supposed ghost, which Anselmo says kneeling and
hardly able to speak for terror.]

PAND. (_Laughing_). In spite of my indignation, I cannot help
laughing.

ANS. It is strange, but you are very merry for a dead man.

PAND. Is this a joke, pray tell me, or is it downright madness to treat
a living man as if he were dead?

ANS. Alas! you must be dead; I myself just now saw you.

PAND. What? Could I die without knowing it?

ANS. As soon as Mascarille told me the news, I was ready to die of
grief.

PAND. But, really, are you asleep or awake? Don't you know me?

ANS. You are clothed in an aerial body which imitates your own, but
which may take another shape at any moment. I am mightily afraid to see
you swell up to the size of a giant, and your countenance become
frightfully distorted. For the love of God, do not assume any hideous
form; you have scared me sufficiently for the nonce.

PAND. At any other time, Anselmo, I should have considered the
simplicity which accompanies your credulity an excellent joke, and I
should have carried on the pleasant conceit a little longer; but this
story of my death, and the news of the supposed treasure, which I was
told upon the road had not been found at all, raises in my mind a strong
suspicion that Mascarille is a rogue, and an arrant rogue, who is proof
against fear or remorse, and who invents extraordinary stratagems to
compass his ends.

ANS. What! Am I tricked and made a fool of? Really, this would be a
compliment to my good sense! Let me touch him and be satisfied. This is,
indeed, the very man. What an ass I am! Pray, do not spread this story
about, for they will write a farce about it, and shame me for ever. But,
Pandolphus, help me to get the money back which I lent them to bury you.

PAND. Money, do you say? Oh! that is where the shoe pinches; that is the
secret of the whole affair! So much the worse for you. For my part, I
shall not trouble myself about it, but will go and lay an information
against this Mascarille, and if he can be caught he shall be hanged,
whatever the cost may be.

ANS. (_Alone_). And I, like a ninny, believe a scoundrel, and must
in one day lose both my senses and my money. Upon my word, it well
becomes me to have these gray hairs and to commit an act of folly so
readily, without examining into the truth of the first story I hear...!
But I see....

SCENE VI.--LELIO, ANSELMO.

LEL. Now, with this master-key, I can easily pay Trufaldin a visit.

ANS. As far as I can see, your grief has subsided.

LEL. What do you say? No; it can never leave a heart which shall ever
cherish it dearly.

ANS. I came back to tell you frankly of a mistake I made in the money I
gave you just now; amongst these louis-d'or, though they look very good,
I carelessly put some which I think are bad. I have brought some money
with me to change them. The intolerable audacity of our coiners is grown
to such a height in this state, that no one can receive any money now
without danger of his being imposed upon. It would be doing good service
to hang them all!

LEL. I am very much obliged to you for being willing to take them back,
but I saw none among them that were bad, as I thought.

ANS. Let me see the money; let me see it; I shall know them again. Is
this all?

LEL. Yes.

ANS. So much the better. Are you back again? my dear money! get into my
pocket. As for you, my gallant sharper, you have no longer got a penny
of it. You kill people who are in good health, do ye? And what would you
have done, then, with me, a poor infirm father-in-law? Upon my word, I
was going to get a nice addition to my family, a most discreet
son-in-law. Go, go, and hang yourself for shame and vexation.

LEL. (_Alone_). I really must admit I have been bit this time. What
a surprise this is! How can he have discovered our stratagem so soon?

SCENE VII.--LELIO, MASCARILLE.

MASC. What, you were out? I have been hunting for you everywhere. Well,
have we succeeded at last? I will give the greatest rogue six trials to
do the like. Come, give me the money that I may go and buy the slave;
your rival will be very much astonished at this.

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