The Blunders of a Bashful Man
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"But I can still love _a friend_," she added, with a melancholy smile.
"One as disinterested, as ignorant of the world as you, would please
me best. You must stop in Chicago," she said, giving me her card
before we parted. "Every traveler should spend a few days in our
wonderful city. Call on me, and I will have up my carriage and take
you out to see the sights."
Need I say that I stopped in Chicago? or add that I went to call on
the fair widow? She took me out driving according to promise. I found
that she was just the style of woman that suited me best. I was
bashful; she was not. I was silent; she could keep up the conversation
with very little aid from me. With such a woman as that I could get
along in life. She would always be willing to take the lead. All I
would have to do would be to give her the reins, and she would keep
the team going. She would be willing to walk the first into church--to
interview the butcher and baker--to stand between me and the world. A
wife like that would be some comfort to a bashful man. Besides, she
was rich! Had she not said it? I have seldom had a happier hour than
that of our swift, exhilarating drive. The colored driver, gorgeous in
his handsome livery, kept his eyes and ears to himself. I lolled back
in the luxurious carriage beside my charmer. I forgot the unhappy
accident of the blasting-powder--all the mortifications and
disappointments of my life. I reveled in bliss. For once, I had
nothing to do but be courted. How often had I envied the girls their
privilege of keeping quiet and being made love to. How often had I
sighed to be one of the sex who is popped to and does not have to pop.
And now, this lovely, brilliant creature who sat beside me, having
been once married, and seeing my natural timidity, "knew how it was
herself," and took on her own fair hands all the responsibility.
"Mr. Flutter," said she, "I know just how you feel--you want to ask me
to marry you, but you are too bashful. Have I guessed right?"
I pressed her hand in speechless assent.
"Yes, my dear boy, I knew it. Well, this is leap-year, and I will not
see you sacrificed to your own timidity. I am yours, whenever you
wish--to-morrow if you say so--yours forever. You shall have no
trouble about it, I will speak to the Rev. Mr. Coalyard myself--I know
him. When shall it be?--speak, dearest!"
I gasped out "to-morrow," and buried my blushing face on her shoulder.
For a moment her soft arms were twined around me--a moment only, for
we were on the open lake drive. Not more than ten seconds did the
pretty widow embrace me, but that was time enough, as I learned to my
sorrow, for her to extract my pocket-book, containing the five hundred
dollars I still had remaining from the sale of my mining-stock, and
not one dollar of which did I ever see again.
CHAPTER XVI.
AT LAST HE SECURES A TREASURE.
I had to pawn my watch to get away from Chicago, for the police failed
to find my pretty widow. The thought of getting again under my mother's
wing was as welcome as my desire to get away from it had been eager. At
night my dreams were haunted by all sorts of horrible fire-works, where
old gentlemen sat down on powder-kegs, etc. Oh, for home! I knew there
were no widows in my native village, except Widow Green, and I was not
afraid of her. Well, I took the cars once more, and I had been riding
two days and a night, and was not over forty miles from my destination,
when the little incident occurred which proved to lead me into one of
the worst blunders of all. It's _awful_ to be a bashful young man!
Everybody takes advantage of you. You are the victim of practical
jokes--folks laugh if you do nothing on earth but enter a room. If you
happen to hit your foot against a stool, or trip over a rug, or call a
lady "sir," the girls giggle and the boys nudge each other, as if it
were extremely amusing. But to blow up a confiding Wall street
speculator, and to be swindled out of all your money by a pretty widow,
is enough to make a sensitive man a raving lunatic. I had all this to
think of as I was whirled along toward home. So absorbed was I in
melancholy reflection, that I did not notice what was going on until a
sudden shrill squawk close in my ear caused me to turn, when I found
that a very common-looking young woman, with a by no means interesting
infant of six months, had taken the vacant half of my seat. I was
annoyed. There were plenty of unoccupied seats in the car, and I saw no
reason why she should intrude upon my comfort. The infant shrieked
wildly when I looked at it; but its mother stopped its mouth with one of
those what-do-you-call-'ems that are stuck on the end of a flat bottle
containing sweetened milk, and, after sputtering and gurgling in a vain
attempt to keep on squalling, it subsided and went vigorously to work.
It seemed after a time to become more accustomed to my harmless visage,
and stared at me stolidly, with round, unwinking eyes, after it had
exhausted the contents of the bottle.
In about half an hour the train stopped at a certain station; the
conductor yelled out "ten minutes for refreshments," the eating-house
man rang a big bell, and the passengers, many of them, hurried out.
Then the freckle-faced woman leaned toward me.
"Are you goin' out?" said she.
"No," I replied, politely; "I am not far from home, and prefer waiting
for my lunch until I get there."
[Illustration: "WOULD YOU HOLD MY BABY WHILE I RUN IN AN' GET A CUP O'
TEA?"]
"Then," said she, very earnestly, "would you hold my baby while I run
in an' get a cup o' tea? Indeed, sir, I'm half famished, riding over
twenty-four hours, and only a biscuit or two in my bag, and I must get
some milk for baby's bottle or she'll starve."
It was impossible, under such circumstances, for one to refuse, though
I would have preferred to head a regiment going into battle, for
there were three young ladies, about six seats behind me, who were
eating their lunch in the car, and I knew they would laugh at me;
besides, the woman gave me no chance to decline, for she thrust the
wide-eyed terror into my awkward arms, and rushed quickly out to
obtain her cup of tea.
Did you ever see a bashful young man hold a strange baby? I expect I
furnished--I and the baby--a comic opera, music and all, for the
entertainment of the three girls, as they nibbled their cold chicken
and pound-cake. For the mother had not been gone over fifteen seconds
when that confounded young one began to cry. I sat her down on my knee
and trotted her. She screamed with indignation, and grew so purple in
the face I thought she was strangling, and I patted her on the back.
This liberty she resented by going into a sort of spasm, legs and arms
flying in every direction, worse than a wind-mill in a gale.
"This will never do," I thought; at the same time I was positive I
heard a suppressed giggle in my rear.
A happy thought occurred to me--infants were always tickled with
watches! But, alas I had pawned mine. However, I had a gold locket in
my pocket, with my picture in it, which I had bought in Chicago, to
present to the widow, and didn't present: this I drew forth and
dangled before the eyes of the little infernal threshing-machine.
The legs and arms quieted down; the fat hands grabbed the glittering
trinket. "Goo--goo--goo--goo," said the baby, and thrust the locket in
her mouth. I think she must have been going through the interesting
process of teething, for she made so many dents in the handsome face,
that it was rendered useless as a future gift to some fortunate girl,
while the way she slobbered over it was disgusting. I scarcely regretted
the ruin of the locket, I was so delighted to have her keep quiet; but,
alas! the little wretch soon dropped it and began howling like ten
thousand midnight cats. I trotted her again--I tossed her--I laid her
over my knees on her stomach--I said "Ssh--ssh--ssssh--sssssh!" all in
vain. Instead of ten minutes for refreshments it seemed to me that they
gave ten hours.
In desperation I raised her and hung her over my shoulder, rising at
the same time and walking up and down the aisle. The howling ceased:
but now the young ladies, after choking with suppressed laughter,
finally broke into a scream of delight. Something must be up! I took
the baby down and looked over my shoulder--the little rip had opened
her mouth and sent a stream of white, curdy milk down the back of my
new overcoat. For one instant the fate of that child hung in the
balance. I walked to the door, and made a movement to throw her to
the dogs; but humanity gained the day, and I refrained.
I felt that my face was redder than the baby's; every passenger
remaining in the car was smiling. I went calmly back, and laid her
down on the seat, while I took off my coat and made an attempt to
remove the odious matters with my handkerchief, which ended by my
throwing the coat over the back of the seat in disgust, resolving that
mother would have to finish the job with her "Renovator." My
handkerchief I threw out of the window.
Thank goodness! the engine bell was ringing at last and the people
crowding back into the train.
I drew a long breath of relief, snatched the shrieking infant up
again, for fear the mother would blame me for neglecting her ugly
brat--and waited.
"All aboard!" shouted the conductor; the bell ceased to ring, the
wheels began to revolve, the train was in motion.
"Great Jupiter Ammen!" I thought, while a cold sweat started out all
over me, "she will be left!"
The cars moved faster and more mercilessly fast; the conductor
appeared at the door; I rose and rushed toward him, the baby in my
arms, crying:
"For Heaven's sake, conductor, stop the cars!"
"What's up?" he asked.
"What's up? Stop the cars, I say! Back down to the station again!
_This baby's mother's left!_"
"Then she left on purpose," he answered coolly; "she never went into
the eating-house at all. I saw her making tall tracks for the train
that goes the other way. I thought it was all right. I didn't notice
she hadn't her baby with her. I'll telegraph at the next station;
that's all that can be done now."
This capped the climax of all my previous blunders! Why had I blindly
consented to care for that woman's progeny? Why? why? Here was I, John
Flutter, a young, innocent, unmarried man, approaching the home of my
childhood with an infant in my arms! The horror of my situation turned
me red and pale by turns as if I had apoplexy or heart disease.
There was always a crowd of young people down at the depot of our
village; what would they think to see me emerge from the cars carrying
that baby? Even the child seemed astonished, ceasing to cry, and
staring around upon the passengers as if in wonder and amazement at
our predicament. Yet not one of those heartless travelers seemed to
pity me; every mouth was stretched in a broad grin; not a woman came
forward and offered to relieve me of my burden; and thus, in the midst
of my embarrassment and horror, the train rolled up to the well-known
station, and I saw my father and mother, and half the boys and girls
of the village, crowding the platform and waiting to welcome my
arrival.
CHAPTER XVII.
HE ENJOYS HIMSELF AT A BALL.
Once more I was settled quietly down to my old life, clerking in my
father's store. You would naturally suppose that my travels would have
given me some confidence, and that I had worn out, as it were, the
bashfulness of youth; but in my case this was an inborn quality which
I could no more get rid of, than I could of my liver or my spleen.
I had never confessed to any one the episode of the giant-powder or
the Chicago widow; but the story of the baby had crept out, through
the conductor, who told it to the station-master. If you want to know
how _that_ ended, I'll just tell you that, maddened by the grins and
giggles of the passengers, I started for the car door with that baby,
but, in passing those three giggling young ladies, I suddenly slung
the infant into their collective laps, and darted out upon the station
platform. That's the way I got out of that scrape.
As I was saying, after all those dreadful experiences, I was glad to
settle down in the store, where I honestly strove to overcome my
weakness; but it was still so troublesome that father always
interfered when the girls came in to purchase dry-goods. He said I
almost destroyed the profits of the business, giving extra measure on
ribbons and silks, and getting confused over the calicoes. But I'm
certain the shoe was on the other foot; there wasn't a girl in town
would go anywhere else to shop when they could enjoy the fun of
teasing me; so that if I made a few blunders, I also brought custom.
Cold weather came again, and I was one year older. There was a grand
ball on the twenty-second of February, to which I invited Hetty
Slocum, who accepted my escort. We expected to have lots of fun. The
ball-room was in the third story of the Spread-Eagle Hotel. There was
to be a splendid supper at midnight in the big dining-room; hot
oysters "in every style," roast turkey, chicken-pie, coffee, and all
the sweet fixings.
It turned out to be a clear night; I took Hetty to the hotel in
father's fancy sleigh, in good style, and having got her safely to the
door of the ladies' parlor without a blunder to mar my peace of mind,
except that I stepped on her slippered foot in getting into the
sleigh, and crushed it so, that Hetty could hardly dance for the pain,
I began to feel an unusual degree of confidence in myself, which I
fortified by a stern resolution, on no account to get to blushing and
stammering, but to walk coolly up to the handsomest girls and ask them
out on the floor with all the self-possessed gallantry of a man of
the world.
Alas! "the best-laid plans of mice an' men must aft gang," like a
balky horse--just opposite to what you want them to. I spoke to my
acquaintances in the bar-room easily enough, but when one after one
the fellows went up to the door of the ladies' dressing-room to escort
their fair companions to the ball-room, I felt my courage oozing away,
until, under the pretext of keeping warm by the fire, I remained in
the bar-room until every one else had deserted it. Then I slowly made
my way up, intending to enter the gentlemen's dressing-room, to tie my
white cravat, and put on my white kids. I found the room
deserted--every one had entered the ball-room but myself; I could hear
the gay music of the violins, and the tapping of the feet on the floor
overhead. Surely it was time that I had called for _my_ lady, and
taken her up.
I knew that Hetty would be mad, because I had made her lose the first
dance; yet, I fooled and fooled over the tying of my cravat, dreading
the ordeal of entering the ball-room with a lady on my arm. At last it
was tied. I turned to put on my gloves; then, for the first time, I
was made aware that I had mistaken the room. I was in the ladies', not
the gentlemen's dressing-room. There were the heaps of folded cloaks,
and shawls, and the hoods. That very instant, before I could beat a
retreat, I heard voices at the door--Hetty's among them. I glared
around for some means of escape. There were none. What excuse could I
make for my singular intrusion? Would it be believed if I swore that I
had been unaware of the character of my surroundings? Would I be
suspected of being a kleptomaniac? In the intensity of my
mortification I madly followed the first impulse which moved me. This
was to dive under the bed.
I had no more than taken refuge in this curious hiding-place, than I
regretted the foolish act; to be discovered there would be infamy and
disgrace too deep for words. I would have crawled out at the last
second, but it was too late; I heard the girls in the room, and was
forced to try and keep still as a mouse, though my heart thumped so I
was certain they must hear it.
"Where do you suppose he has gone?" asked one.
"Goodness knows," answered Hetty. "I have looked in the gentlemen's
room--he's not there. Catch me going to a ball with John Flutter
again."
"It's a real insult, his not coming for you," added another; "but, la!
you must excuse it. I know what's the trouble. I'll bet you two cents
he's afraid to come up-stairs. He! he! he!"
Then all of them tittered "he! he! he" and "ha! ha! ha!"
"Did you ever see such a bashful young fellow?"
"He's a perfect goose!"
"Isn't it fun alive to tease him?"
"Do you remember when he tumbled in the lake?"
"Oh! and the time he sat down in the butter-tub?"
"Yes; and that day he came to our house and sat down in Old Mother
Smith's cap instead of a vacant chair, because he was blushing so it
made him blind."
"Well, if he hadn't crushed my foot getting into the sleigh, I
wouldn't care," added Hetty, spitefully. "I shall limp all the
evening."
"I do despise a blundering, stupid fellow that can't half take care of
a girl."
"Yes; but what would you do without Mr. Flutter to laugh at?"
"That's so. As long as he stays around we will have somebody to amuse
us."
"He'd be good-looking if he wasn't always so red in the face."
"If I was in his place I'd never go out without a veil."
"To hide his blushes?"
"Of course. What a pity he forgot to take his hat off in church last
Sunday, until his mother nudged him."
"Yes. Did you hear it smash when he put his foot in it when he got up
to go?"
Heavens and earth! There I was, under the bed, an enforced listener to
this flattering conversation. My breast nearly burst with anger at
them, at myself, at a cruel fate which had sent me into the world,
doomed to grow up a bashful man. If, by falling one thousand feet
plumb down, I could have sunk through that floor, I would have run the
risk.
"You heard about the ba----" began Hetty.
It was too much! In my torment I moved my feet without meaning to, and
they hit against the leg of the bedstead with some force.
"What's that?"
"A cat under the bed, I should say."
"More likely a rat. Oh, girls! it may gnaw our cloaks; mine is under
there, I know."
"Well, let us drive it out."
"Oh! oh! oh! I'm afraid!"
"I'm not; I'm going to see what is under there."
My heart ceased to beat. Should I live to the next centennial, I shall
never forget that moment.
The girl who had spoken last stooped and looked under the bed; this
motion was followed by a thrilling shriek.
"There's a _man_ under the bed!" she screamed.
The other girls joined in; a wild chorus of shrieks arose, commingled
with cries of "Robber!" "Thief!" "Burglar!"
Urged to desperation, I was about to roll out from my hiding-place and
make a rush to get out, hoping to pass unrecognized by covering my
face with my hands, when two or three dozen young men swooped into the
room.
"What is it?"
"Where?"
"A man under the bed!"
"Let me at the rascal!"
"Ha! come out here, you villain!"
All was over. They dragged me out, covered with dust and feathers,
and, pulling my despairing hands from over my miserable face, they
turned me to the light. Then the fury and the threats subsided. There
was a moment's profound silence--girls and fellows stared in mute
astonishment, and then--then broke from one and all a burst of
convulsive laughter. And in the midst of those shrieks and groans of
mirth at my expense, everything grew dark, and I suffered no more.
They told me afterward that I fainted dead away.
CHAPTER XVIII.
HE OPENS THE WRONG DOOR.
My mother and the ancient lady who presided over the mysteries of my
initiation as a member of the human fraternity, say that I was born
with a caul over my face. Now, what I want to know is, why didn't they
leave that caul where they found it? What business had they to meddle
with the veil which beneficent nature gave me as a shield to my
infirmity? Had they respected her intention, they would have let it
alone--poked a hole in it for me to eat and breathe through, and left
the veil which she kindly provided to hide my blushing face from the
eyes of my fellow-creatures.
Nature knew beforehand that I was going to be born to be bashful.
Therefore she gave me a caul. Had this been respected as it should
have been, I could have blossomed out into my full luxuriance as a
_cauli_flower whereas now I am an ever-blooming peony.
When I rushed home after recovering from the fainting fit into which
my hiding under the bed had driven me, I threw myself down in he
sanctity of my private apartment and howled and shrieked for that caul
of my infancy. But no caul came at my call. That dried and withered
thing was reposing somewhere amid the curiosities of an old hag's
bureau-drawer.
Then I wildly wished that I were the veiled prophet of Khorassan. But
no! I was only bashful John Flutter, the butt and ridicule of a little
meddling village.
I knew that this last adventure would revive the memory of all my
previous exploits. I knew the girls would all go to see each other the
next day so as to have a good giggle together. Worse than that, I knew
there would be an unprecedented run of custom at the store. There
wouldn't be a girl in the whole place who wouldn't require something
in the dry-goods line the coming day; they would come and ask for pins
and needles just for the heartless fun of seeing _me_ enduring the
pangs of mental pins and needles.
So I resolved that I would not get up that morning. The breakfast-bell
rang three times; mother came up to knock at my door.
"Oh, I am so sleepy, mother!" I answered, with a big yawn; "you knew I
was up last night. Don't want any breakfast, just another little nap."
So the good soul went down, leaving me to my wretched thoughts. At
noon she came up again.
"John, you had better rise now. Father can't come to dinner there's so
many customers in the store. Seems as if there was going to be a ball
to-night again; every girl in town is after ribbon, or lace, or
hair-pins, or something."
"I can't get up to-day, mother. I'm awfully unwell--got a high
fever--_you'll_ have to go in and lend father a helping hand"; and so
she brought me a cup of tea and a piece of toast, and then went up to
take father's place while he ate his dinner.
I _guess_ she suspected I'd been done for again by the way those young
women laughed when she told them I was sick in bed: for she was pretty
cross when I sneaked down to tea, and didn't seem to worry about how I
felt. Well, I kept pretty quiet the rest of the season. There were
dances and sleighing parties, but I stayed away from them, and
attended strictly to business.
I don't know but that I might have begun to enjoy some peace of mind,
after the winter and part of the spring had passed without any very
awful catastrophe having occurred to me; but, some time in the latter
part of May, when the roses were just beginning to bloom, and
everything was lovely, a pretty cousin from some distant part of the
State came to spend a month at our house. I had never seen her before,
and you may imagine how I felt when she rushed at me and kissed me,
and called me her dear cousin John, just as if we had known each other
all the days of our lives. I think it was a constant surprise to her
to find that I was bashful. _She_ wasn't a bit so. It embarrassed me a
thousand times more to see how she would slyly watch out of the corner
of her laughing eye for the signs of my diffidence.
Well, of course, all the girls called on her, and boys too, as to
that, and I had to take her to return their visits, and I was in hot
water all the time. Before she went away, mother gave her a large
evening party. I behaved with my usual elegance of manner, stepping on
the ladies' trains and toes in dancing, calling them by other people's
names, and all those little courtesies for which I was so famous. I
even contrived to sit down where there was no chair, to the amusement
of the fellows. My cousin Susie was going away the next day. I was
dead in love with her, and my mind was taken up with the intention of
telling her so. I had not the faintest idea of whether she cared for
me or not. She had laughed at me and teased me mercilessly.
On the contrary, she had been very encouraging to Tom Todd, a young
lawyer of the place--a little snob, with self-conceit enough in his
dapper body for six larger men. This evening he had been particularly
attentive to her. Susie was pretty and quite an heiress, so I knew Tom
Todd would try to secure her. He was just that kind of a fellow who
could propose to a girl while he was asking her out for a set of the
lanciers, or handing her a plate of salad at supper. Alas, I could do
nothing of the kind. With all my superior opportunities, here the last
evening was half through, and I had not yet made a motion to secure
the prize. I watched Tom as if he had been a thief and I a detective.
I was cold and hot by turns whenever he bent to whisper in Susie's
ear, as he did about a thousand times. At last, as supper-time
approached, I saw my cousin slip out into the dining-room. I thought
mother had sent her to see that all was right, before marshalling the
company out to the feast.
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