The Elements of Character

M >> Mary G. Chandler >> The Elements of Character

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Finally, do not fear to be silent when you have nothing to say. Do not
talk for the mere sake of talking. To sit silently and abstractedly, as
if one were among but not of the company in which one may chance to be,
is discourteous; because it implies a fancied superiority, or an unkind
indifference. Good manners require that in company one should be alive
to what is going on, but this does not imply the necessity of always
talking. There is, almost always, in a mixed company, some Conversation
to which a third person may listen without intrusion; but if this should
not happen to be the case, it is far better to wait until something
occurs that gives one an opportunity of talking to some rational
purpose, than to insist that one's tongue shall incessantly utter
articulate sounds whether the brain give it anything to say or no. This
sort of purposeless talking exerts a positively injurious influence upon
the mind, by leading it into the too common error of mistaking sound for
sense, words for ideas.

Before quitting this important subject, there is a general view to be
taken of it in its universal bearings upon Character, which places it
among the most important branches of a wise education.

The true signification of education, according to one derivation of the
word, is the bringing or leading out of the faculties. The best educated
person is not he who has stored up in his memory the greatest number
of facts, but he whose faculties have become most strengthened and
perfected by what he has learned.

There are several studies pursued in our schools and colleges, such as
Greek, Latin, and Mathematics, rather because they are looked upon as
a kind of gymnastics, whereby the mental faculties in general are
educated, or developed and invigorated, than because they bring a
direct practical benefit to life; for of the numbers who exercise their
faculties upon them, while in the schools, not one in ten makes any
direct use of them afterwards. These studies require expensive books and
teachers, and a greater amount of time than can be given by the majority
of men and women; and moreover they cultivate the intellect without
doing anything for the heart. Without in any degree questioning or
undervaluing the great and varied benefit derived to the mind from these
studies in added accuracy, strength, and richness, there is still room
for wonder that Conversation, both as a science and an art, has no place
in our systems of education; since its practice is a daily necessity to
all, while its power, when wielded with skill, is second to none other
that is brought to bear upon the social circle.

Our young girls are nearly all of them taught music with great
expenditure of money, time, and labor; but whether we look to the
cultivation of actual talent, to the improvement of Character, or to
accomplishment as a means of making ourselves agreeable in society, how
profitably could a part of this time and labor be employed in acquiring
the power and the habit of accurate language, agreeable modulation,
distinct utterance, and courteous attention; and it can hardly be
doubted that a person who possesses the power of conversing well finds
and gives more pleasure in society than a person skilled to an equal
degree in music.

Conversation has, indeed, this advantage over all school studies; in
order to obtain its best requisites no books are needed beyond such as
are accessible to all, while its best teachers are the suggestions of
common sense, and the conscientious love of the true and the good.
Still, there are few persons whose efforts would not be crowned with a
higher success if aided by the criticism and the guidance of a competent
instructor. Those who are competent to self-instruction in this, as
in all other accomplishments, are exceptional examples, and it may be
doubted if even these might not have reached a higher excellence, aided
by the suggestions of another mind. Properly cultivated, Conversation
would have an influence in developing the whole being, of a kind and
degree that could hardly be over-estimated. In its exercise, Thought and
Affection have full play, while all the stores of Memory and the wealth
of Imagination find ample field for display.

Conversation is so comprehensive in its manifestations and necessities,
that it can reach its perfection only through the development of the
whole being, moral as well as intellectual; and it will constantly
become more finished in proportion as this development becomes more
complete. Its universality, its hourly necessity, should impress us
with its value; for the mercy of the Lord, as it gives light and air,
sunshine and shower, seedtime and harvest, in short, all the essentials
of physical development to the whole human race, so it supplies to all
the power and the essential means for disciplining and cultivating the
whole Character.

MANNERS

"There is something higher in Politeness than Christian moralists have
recognized. In its best forms, as a simple, out-going, all-pervading
spirit, none but the truly religious man can show it; for it is the
sacrifice of self in the little habitual matters of life,--always the
best test of our principles,--together with a respect, unaffected, for
man, as our brother under the same grand destiny."--C. L. BRACK.

"Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase,
barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible
operation, like that of the air we breathe in."--BURKE.

* * * * *

Manners are the most external manifestation by which men display their
individual peculiarities of mind and heart; and unless used artificially
to conceal the true Character, they form a transparent medium through
which it is exhibited.

It has been sarcastically asserted, that few persons exist who can
afford to be natural; and it is probable that if the human race were to
allow their manners to be perfectly natural; that is, were they to allow
all the passions of the soul to display themselves without restraint in
their manners, social intercourse would become insupportable. Among
the merely worldly, the difference between an ill-bred and a well-bred
person is that the former displays his discomfort, ill-humor, or
selfishness in his Manners, while the latter conceals them all under a
veil of suavity and kindness. Selfishness prompts the one to be rude,
and the other to be hypocritical, and each is alike unworthy of
commendation.

Manners are the garments of the spirit; the external clothing of the
being, in which Character ultimates itself. If the Character be simple
and sincere, the Manners will be at one with it; will be the natural
outbirth of its traits and peculiarities. If it be complex and
self-seeking, the Manners will be artificial, affected, or insincere.
Some persons make up, put on, take off, alter, or patch their Manners to
suit times and seasons, with as much facility, and as little apparent
consciousness of duplicity, as if they were treating their clothes in
like fashion. If an individual of this class is going to meet company
with whom he wishes to ingratiate himself, he puts on his most polished
Manners, as a matter of course, just as he puts on his best clothes;
and when he goes home, he puts them off again for the next important
occasion. For home use, or for associating with those about whose
opinion he is indifferent, no matter how rude the Manners, or how
uncared for the costume. Perhaps the rudeness may chance to come out in
some overt act that will not bear passing over in silence, and then the
perpetrator utters an "excuse me," that reminds one of a bright new
patch set upon an old faded garment. Not that such a patch is unworthy
of respect when worn by honest poverty, and set on with a neatness that
makes it almost ornamental. This is like the "excuse me" of a truly,
well-bred man, apologizing for an offence he regrets; while the "excuse
me" of the habitually rude man is like the botched patch of the sloven
or the beggar, who wears it because the laws of the land forbid
nakedness.

The fine lady of this class may be polished to the last degree, when
arrayed in silks and laces she glides over the rich carpets of the
drawing-room; and yet, with her servants at home, she is possibly less
the lady than they; or worse still, this fine lady, married, perhaps, to
a fine gentleman of a character similar to her own, in the privacy of
domestic life carries on a civil war with him, in which all restraint of
courtesy is set aside.

There is so much undeniable hypocrisy in the high-bred courtesy of
polished society, that among many religious persons there has come to
be an indifference, nay, almost an opposition, to Manners that savor of
elegance or courtliness. If, however, Christian charity reign within,
rudeness or indifference cannot reign without. One may as well look for
a healthy physical frame under a skin revolting from disease, as for a
healthy moral frame under Manners rude and discourteous; for Manners
indicate the moral temperament quite as accurately as the physical
temperament is revealed by the complexion. Selfishness and arrogance
of disposition express themselves in indifferent, rude, or overbearing
Manners; while vanity and insincerity are outwardly fawning and
sycophantic. If Christian charity reign in the heart, it can fitly
express itself only in Manners of refinement and courtesy; and the
Christian should not be unwilling to wear such Manners in all sincerity,
because the worlding assumes them to serve his purposes of selfishness.
Worldly wisdom ever pays Virtue the compliment of imitation; but that is
no good reason why Virtue should hesitate to appear like herself. The
best Manners possible are the simple bringing down of the perfect law of
charity into the most external ultimates of social life. Until Character
tends at all times, and in all places, and towards all persons, to
ultimate itself in Manners of thorough courtesy, it is not building
itself upon a sure foundation. The ultimates of all things serve as
their basis and continent; therefore must true charity of heart be built
upon and contained within true charity of Manner.

When we are in doubt regarding the value of any particular trait of
Character, we can generally find the solution of our difficulty by
working out an answer to the question, How does it affect our usefulness
in society? There are three modes in which we express ourselves towards
those with whom we come in contact in the family and social relations of
life,--Action, Conversation, and Manners. The importance of ordering
the first two of these expressions aright can hardly be doubted by any
thinking being; but that conscience has anything to do with Manners
would probably be questioned by many. Let us ascertain the moral bearing
of Manners by the test just indicated.

What effect have our Manners upon our usefulness as social beings?
Conversation is in general the expression of our thoughts; much more
seldom do we express our affections in words. Manners, on the contrary,
are the direct expression of our affections. They are to Action what
tone is to Conversation. Many persons may be found who make use of
falsehood in their Conversation, but very few who can lie in the tones
of their voice. So many persons can act hypocritically, but there are
comparatively few whose Manners are habitually deceitful. Our words and
actions are more easily under our control than our tones and manners;
because the former are more the result of Thought, while the latter
are almost entirely the result of Affection. Although few persons are
distinctly aware of this difference, every one is powerfully affected by
it. There is no physical quality more powerful to attract or to repel
than the tones of the voice; and this power is all the stronger because
both parties are usually unconscious of it; and so mutually act and are
acted upon, simply and naturally, without effort or resistance. Thus
conversation often owes its effect less to the words used than to the
tones in which they are uttered. An unpalatable truth may come without
exciting any feeling of irritation or opposition from one who speaks
with a tone of voice expressive of the benevolent affections, and
produce much good; while the very same words, uttered in a tone of
asperity or bitterness, may exasperate the hearer, and be productive
only of harm. It has already been said, that Manners bear the same
relation to life that tone bears to conversation; and a good life loses
great portion of the power it might exert over those who come within the
influence of its sphere if it ultimate itself in ungracious or repulsive
Manners. In the old English writers we often find persons characterized
as Christian gentlemen or Christian ladies; and courtesy seems formerly
to have been clearly understood to be a Christian virtue. Our conflict
with, and our escape from, the aristocracy and privileges of rank of
older nations has caused a reaction, not only against them, but also
against the external politeness which was connected with them, and
which was, and is too often, though certainly not always, false and
hypocritical; and thus the growth of republican principles has had the
effect to diminish the respect once entertained for good Manners, and
the mass of our countrymen seem to look upon politeness as an antiquated
remnant of a past age, which the present has outgrown as entirely as
wigs and hoop-petticoats. It is, however, a curious feature in the
change, that at no previous time have the titles of gentleman and lady
been so universally and pertinaciously assumed as at the present. The
rudest even are resentful at being called simply men or women, while
they unconsciously show the weakness of their claim to a higher title by
denying it to those who they assume are no better than themselves. The
often-repeated anecdote of the Yankee stage-driver who asked of the Duke
of Saxe Weimer, "Are you the man that wants an extra coach?" and on
being answered in the affirmative, said, "Then I am the gentleman to
drive you," is an illustration of what is going on continually around
us. A large proportion of the members of one half of society stands in
perpetual fear that those in the other half do not esteem them gentlemen
and ladies; and yet it seldom seems to occur to them to substantiate
their claim to the coveted title by that cultivation of good Manners,
which can alone make it theirs of right.

The artificial Manners and laws of social life are so overloaded with
conventionalisms, and a knowledge of these is so often made a test of
good-breeding, that much confusion of opinion exists regarding the
requisites that constitute the true gentleman and lady. These titles
belong to something real, something not dependent on the knowledge and
practice of conventionalisms that change with every changing season,
but to substantial qualities of Character which are the same yesterday,
to-day, and to-morrow.

The foundation of good Manners is the sincere acknowledgment that we are
all children of one great family, all one band of brothers, each having
a right to receive from the rest all the consideration and forbearance
that can be given him without diminishing the portion that belongs to
the others. The rich complain of the envy and jealousy of the poor, and
the poor murmur because of the arrogance and haughtiness of the rich;
yet if those among the two classes who are guilty of these vices were to
change positions, they would change vices too; for arrogance _in_ the
possessor and envy _towards_ the possessor of wealth are but differing
phases of a love for wealth based on the love for that consideration
in society which it gives, and not for the power it yields of added
usefulness.

The ill-bred fashionist sails haughtily into the shop where she obtains
materials for her adornment, and with a supercilious air purchases her
ribbons and laces of a sulky girl, who revenges herself for not being
able to wear the costly gauds by treating as rudely as she dares the
customer who can; and as they look upon each other, the one with scorn,
and the other with envious hate, we see in both only the very same
littleness of feminine vanity, which in its narrow-minded silliness
believes that the first requisite of a lady is costly garments.

It would be a great mistake to suppose that in our higher society there
are no good Manners, none that are really good in essence and purpose,
as well as in form; and it would be an equal mistake to suppose, that in
all society of lower caste there is either a want of true refinement or
an envy and distrust of all that is above it; but it is also true that
there is a magic circle known as "genteel," and a perpetual antagonism
prevails here between those who are within and those who desire
admittance, but are refused; as there are literary circles where
contentions and envyings arise between pedantic scholarship and assuming
ignorance.

The ill-breeding so often complained of in the intercourse between the
different classes of society, and by none more indignantly than those
who exercise it most, results from the factitious value set upon the
externals of life by those who estimate them in proportion as they give
distinction among men, and not as they increase the means of happiness
and usefulness in this world, and so prepare us for the usefulness and
happiness of the world to come.

Those among the poor, the ignorant, and the vulgar, whose hearts are
burning with envy and hatred; and those among the rich, the learned, and
the fashionable, who are rendered arrogant and supercilious by their
possessions, are alike unconscious of the true worth of the blessings
that excite the covetousness of the one class and the exultation of the
other. Each party values man for his possessions, and not for the use
that he makes of them; for what he has, and not for what he is. Where
this is the case, mutual aversion ultimating itself on both sides in
acts of discourtesy, will ever keep alive a spirit of antagonism among
the various classes of society; and this will disappear in proportion as
society becomes sufficiently Christianized to perceive and acknowledge
that every human being is worthy of respect so far as he fulfils the
duties of his station; and that we cannot be discourteous even towards
the evil and the unfaithful, without indulging feelings of pride and
disdain that are incompatible with Christian meekness.

In the social intercourse of equals, and in domestic life, ill-temper,
selfishness, and indifference, which is a negative form of selfishness,
are the principal sources of ill-breeding. Where the external forms of
courtesy are not observed in the family circle, we are almost sure to
find perpetually recurring contention and bickering. Rudeness is a
constant source of irritation; because, however little the members of a
family regard politeness, each will have his own way of being rude,
and each will probably be disgusted or angry at some portion of the
ill-breeding of all the rest. Rudeness is always angular, and its
sharp corners produce discomfort whenever they come in contact with a
neighbor. Politeness presents only polished surfaces, and not only never
intrudes itself upon a neighbor, but is rarely obtruded upon; for there
is no way so effectual of disarming rudeness as by meeting it with
thorough politeness; for the rude man can fight only with his own
weapons.

Indifference of Manner exhibits a disregard for the comfort and pleasure
of those around us, which, though not so obtrusive as rudeness, shows an
egotism of disposition incompatible with brotherly love. If we love our
neighbor as ourself, we cannot habitually forget his existence so far
as to annoy him by neglecting to perform, the common courtesies of life
towards him, or interfere with what he is doing by not perceiving that
we are in his way.

If we would be thoroughly well-bred, we must be so constantly. It is not
very difficult to distinguish in society between those whose manners are
assumed for the occasion and those who wear them habitually. The former
are apt to forget themselves occasionally, or they overact their part,
or if they succeed in sustaining a perfect elegance of deportment that
is really pleasing as an effort of art, they always want the grace of
naturalness and simplicity which belongs to the Manners of those who
have made courtesy and refinement their own by loving them. It is only
when we act as we love to act, that our Manners are truly our own. If we
cultivate the external forms of politeness from an indirect motive, that
is, from the love of approbation, or from pride of character, it is the
reward we love, and not the virtue; and if we gain this reward, it is
only external and perishable; and is of no benefit to our character, but
the reverse, for it ministers only to our pride. If, on the contrary,
we cultivate politeness with simplicity, because we believe it to be a
virtue, and love it for its own sake, we are sure of the reward of an
added grace of character, which can never be taken from us, because it
is a part of ourselves; and though we may enjoy the external rewards if
they come, we shall not be disturbed if they do not; because these were
not the motives that induced our efforts.

Politeness, where it is loved and cultivated with simplicity for its own
sake, gives a repose and ease of action to the moral being which may be
compared to the comfort and satisfaction resulting to the physical
frame from habits of personal cleanliness. The moral tone is elevated
and refined by the one, as the animal functions are purified and renewed
by the other.

As in civil life liberty to the whole results from the subjection of
the evil passions of all to legal enactments, so in social life every
individual is free and at ease in proportion as all the rest are subject
to the laws of courtesy. Ease and freedom are the result of order,
and it is as incorrect to call rude Manners free and easy, as to call
licentiousness liberty. No man is truly free who allows his sphere of
life to impinge upon that of his neighbor. Fluids are said to move
easily because each particle is without angular projections that prevent
it from gliding smoothly with or by its companions; and in like manner
the ease of society depends on the polish of each individual. If the
units of society seek their own selfish indulgence, without regard to
the rights of the neighbor, the whole must form a mass of grating atoms
in which no one can be free, or at ease.

Indifference, ill-temper, selfishness, envy and arrogance, all positive
vices, are the characteristics that ultimate themselves in ill-manners.
Rudeness is, as it were, the offensive odor exhaled from the corrupt
fruit of an evil tree; and he who would be a branch of the true vine
must remember, whenever he is tempted to do a rude thing, that he will
never yield to such temptation unless there is hidden somewhere upon his
branch fruit that should be cut off and cast into the fire.

The Christian gentleman and lady are such because they love their
neighbor as themselves; and to be a thorough Christian without being
a gentleman or lady is impossible. Wherever we find the rich without
arrogance, and the poor without envy, the various members of society
sustaining their mutual relations without suspicion or pretension, the
family circle free from rivalry, fault-finding, or discord, we shall
find nothing ungentle, for there the spirit of Christianity reigns. He
who is pure in heart can never be vulgar in speech, and he who is meek
and loving in spirit can never be rude in manner.

COMPANIONSHIP.

Learn to admire rightly; the great pleasure of life is that. Note what
the great men admired; they admired great things: narrow spirits admire
basely, and worship meanly."--THACKERAY.

"According to the temper and spirit by which it is influenced, prayer
opens or shuts the kingdom of life and peace on the soul of the
supplicant, elevating him either to a closer conjunction with the Lord
and his angelic kingdom, or plunging him into a more deplorable depth
of separation, by immersing him into association with the lost
spirits of darkness."--CLOWES.

* * * * *

Man was not born to live alone, and it is only in and through the
relations of the family and the social circle that the better parts of
his nature can be developed. Solitude is good occasionally, and they who
fly from it entirely can hardly attain to any high degree of spiritual
growth; but still in all useful solitude there must be a recognition of
some being beside self. He who turns to solitude only to brood over
thoughts of self, soon becomes a morbid egoist, and it is only when we
study in solitude in order to make our social life more wise and true
that our solitary hours are blessed.

Man really alone is something we can hardly imagine. He becomes
cognizable almost entirely through his relations with God and with his
fellow-men. Heathen philosophy sought to make man wise by withdrawing
him from the passions and affections that move him when associated with
his fellow-men, in order that he might devote himself to the study of
abstract truth. Christian philosophy teaches that truth owes its
sanctity to the Divine Love, which alone gives it Life; and that by
leading a life of love we acquire the power of understanding the truth.
Philosophy is a dead abstraction until piety and charity fill it with
the breath of life.

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