The Jest Book

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CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.

CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
Thurlow's _laid an egg_."

CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.

CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"

CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_
preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without
keeping a good look-out."

CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

SAID Wetherall the other night
Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
For no one ever _knows himself_.

CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on
the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."

CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.

JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."

CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said
much more if our _wine_ had not failed."

CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
should I be dangling in the air!"

CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.
"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any mind to change.

CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
_hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does
not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
Christianity." Severe.

CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'
balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the
room."

CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."

CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No,
sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.

CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."

CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.

CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the
manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of
interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks
questions."

CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a
sovereign_ amongst them."

CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"
replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of
them."

CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the
Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
mouth was _very sore_.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"
which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."

D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
"Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to
attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to
it."

DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a
_halfpenny_," replied the urchin.

DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the
person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did
not_ write the book."

DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."

DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.

DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."

DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a
father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
like _a child_."

DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of
Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for
the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
"The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!

DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a
fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un
gigot_!"

DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

HE says he don't think of himself,
And I'm to believe him inclined;
For by the confession, the elf
Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.

DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the
favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad
of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the
other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
"_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"

DXI.--ANTICIPATION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my
goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
_the calf_; but you will always anticipate."

DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"
replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
ought to know."

DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
The _dramatis personae_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals
in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
"_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
guerirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth
Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my
Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord
Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state
means "dead."

DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"
Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.
Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.

DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected
you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
_from_ preaching."

DXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.

DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_,
but you stand upon _ceremony_."

DXIX.--LATE DINNER.

SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
_to-morrow_."

DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.

AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"

DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes,
sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"

DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.

"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to
_Morrow_ for a novel!"

DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.

A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred
in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_
letter."

DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.

A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor
exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay,"
returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."

DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.

THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
_into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."

DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.

AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
"Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
"Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.

DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.

A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a
_very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
"Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female
companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."

DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.

A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."

DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never
was_."

DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened,
man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man,"
repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"

DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.

AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat
ludicrously called for certain _returns_.

DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.

A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered
chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said
Lord Mulgrave.

DXXXIV.--REPROOF.

"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."

DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.

MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
"You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you
will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir,
prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the
architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was
_no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"

DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
In a long _tete-a-tete_ with his dame,
While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
About giving their villa a name.
A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
Stole out, half an hour after dark,
Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"

DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.

A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
_missed_."

DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.

ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
this!"

DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.

A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
_difference_ between me and my friend."

DXL.--FORAGING.

DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."

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