The Jest Book

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CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.

ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
_Bolt upright_."

CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold
enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
what, I _won't say_ a word about it."

CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.

CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.

CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the
hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."

CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.

DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."

CDX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)

YES, in debate we must admit,
His argument is quite profound;
His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
Can anybody _see the ground_.

CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--

Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
I advise you to give it without any flummery,
For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.

CDXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)

THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.

CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."

CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ----
has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
_dangerously well_ again."

CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
Has anything worth larceny within it.

CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a
letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
be sure and send me their new works_."

CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who
was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"

CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

LIFE is a lottery where we find
That fortune plays full many a prank;
And when poor ---- got his mind,
'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.

CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."

CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.

CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
you, or else the deuce is in it!

CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one
ear_ and went out at _the other_!"

CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"

CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
Says More, "Of us three,
The whole town will agree,
There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
"I'm sure there's one _More_,
A most terrible knave and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother."--
"O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."

CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have
_stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."

CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
_Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.

CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_
lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

L s. d.
At top, fish, two herrings 0 0 1
Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
melted 0 0 0-3/4
Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2
On one side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 0-1/2
On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 0-1/2
First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0 0 1-1/2
Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
pudding 0 0 0-1/2
Parsley for garnish 0 0 0-1/4
----------
L0 0 7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!

CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"
said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs
and take it!"

CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."

CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
classed by moral distinctions.

CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his
heart.

CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

"I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."

CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
good in it."

CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
"why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned
him_."

CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_
a-day?"

CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that
he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to
catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!
that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
you _have_ caught him."

CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.

CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said
Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."

CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other
end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old
gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
you had brought _this child to be christened_."

CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the
_accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_
is premeditated poverty."

CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith,
sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."

CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

"A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears;
'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
Admired with laughter at a feast;
Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
The proofs of wit for ever must remain."

CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
anything in it."

CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."

CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"
said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."

CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who
gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but
at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on
the authority of Shakespeare:--

"All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."

CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.

CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base
'un_," said Jerrold.

CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee
again."

CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."

CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the
inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
_like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.

CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
takes them up than he puts them down again."

CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine
Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the
door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
"_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."
Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty
laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a
candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the
mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
with three rounds of applause.

CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a
broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please,
sir."

CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them
next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for
de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
_hereditary_ in their family to have no children."

CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and
threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my
_waistcoat_ also."

CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
fish, but without drink, said:--

"In a dish came fish
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no _beer_."

CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
"and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."

CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves
the wise only to grow into women.

CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."

CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have
married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never
see again."

CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my
lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"

CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
passage:--

[Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

"I am not _over-wise_;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right,
sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.

CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
in _your shoes_ for all the world!"

CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He _mixes_ in the best society.

CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent
spelling_."

CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an
underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly
interposed Judge Maule.

CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the
general.

CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_
(_nose_) will have it."

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