The Jest Book

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CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.

SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured
from _cast steel_ were of a very superior quality, such as razors,
forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's
no soap like _Castile_ soap."

CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.

WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"
for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his
eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my
coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why,
_this_ coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after
regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the
Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful
of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call _that thing_ a coat?"

CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.

ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father
of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince
of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."

CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.

A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had
mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our
ship is in _jeopardy_?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got _into some
port at last_," replied the other.

CCLIX.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest
estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there
at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that
from _you_: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes,
I _took_ them."

CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.

GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say
that Mr. Moore has _murdered_ Sheridan, but he has certainly _attempted
his life_."

CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.

AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
rain; I hope it will bring up _everything out of the ground_."--"By
Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in
it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."

CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.

DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him:
"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied
Daniel, "I think I know him, _but I can't swear to him_."

CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.

A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
word, "_Advance_ three paces _back-wards_! march!"

CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.

AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in
contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
"Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were
_boiled_," cried sooty.

CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.

A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the
jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite
lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"_He pinched me_!"
answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with
laughter.

CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
him there again, he'd lock him up in the _ice-house_ and _warm_ his
jacket.

CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.

AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he _saw_ a terrible wind
the other night. "_Saw_ a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind
being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"_Like_ to have blown my
house about my ears," replied the first.

CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.

AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He
accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"
then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather
bad), the old lady exclaimed, "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always
stuttered_!"

CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.

DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said
the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your
lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_."

CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.

THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's
shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--

"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the _iron age_
Succeeds the _age of brass_!"

CCLXXI.--CRITICS.

LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all
their pretensions, they were only _brushers_ of noblemen's clothes."

CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.

A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
his _theeing_ and _thouing_, one of them with a stern countenance asked
him, "Pray, sir, do you know what _we sit here for_?"--"Yea," replied
Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
hundred and fifty pounds a year."

CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.

A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against
him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far
enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you
please, my lord, _we'll drop the subject_."

CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my
lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge.
"Because," replied he, "I was _eight_ before I was fourscore."

CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.

IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of
Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their
assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or
mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a
gentleman present; "if you wish to _bring the figures out_, varnish it
with _turtle soup_."

CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.

GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very
immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal
and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
earth, it _daubs your coat_ a little for a time, but when it is _rubbed
off_ your coat is so much the cleaner."

CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.

MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and
_onions_."

CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.

_On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
Church._

The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
The _head of the Church_ by all Protestant people;
His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
For with them he is now made the _head of the steeple_.

CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.

DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a
troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and
observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have
often heard you and others talk of the _majesty_ of the people; but I
never saw any of the young _princes and princesses_ till now."

CCLXXX.--A PROVIDENT BOY.

AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom,
you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the
half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet,
father."

CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.

"WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
No jester to their courts admit?"
"They're grown such stately solemn things,
To bear a joke they think not fit.
But though each court a jester lacks,
To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
Supply the honest jesters' places."

CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.

ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face
in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he
thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which
the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left
him.

CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.

SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove
serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then,
my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."

CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.

A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me
_stand out of the way_."

CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
He may be called the _equinoctial line_.

CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
be apprehended."

CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.

DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in
years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus
replied:--

"Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
Shall I tell you how?
She herself makes her own faces,
And each morning wears a new one!
_Where's the wonder now_?"

CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.

A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
and _vice versa_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have
been!" returned the child.

CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.

A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was
asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in
a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great
_deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a
_timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.

CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.

A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the _happiest_ fellows
in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged
seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
that they have escaped."

CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship,
"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"

CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.

A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought
it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the
gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is
more than you can say."

CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.

WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was
_in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.

CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.

A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't
know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."

CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.

CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.

A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any
_habit_, be it ever so bad."

CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.

"Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
"In earnest love me as you say;
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty girls beside?"
"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
She stopped me as the oath I took,
And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."

CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.

LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
_Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His
lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--

"_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
That _Joy_ would soon return."

CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.

A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
then you must have been firing at a _wig_."

CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.

A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair
of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he
arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hearse_ came by; on which his
lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good
fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so
strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon,
and returned home in a whole skin.

CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.

"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you
manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live
at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A
place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what
place?"--"_I am my own steward_."

CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.

THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.

CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.

A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."

CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.

A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said
she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."

CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.

THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_:
"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"

CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will
fit it_."

CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.

WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, they agree.

CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the
gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."

CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.

WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you
are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The
hint was taken, and old George provided for.

CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.

A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid
telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept
scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I
wish I could give _warning_ too."

CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess
answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants
anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must
not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_
for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a
_capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."

CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed
that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the
street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping
_physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord,"
replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."

CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.

LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a
sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation
between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord
Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your
presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I
send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley,
"inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"

CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.

LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more
peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House
of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the
door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow
be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be
near him, "_not in Europe_."

CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.

ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman
having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs,
madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly
replied, "But not till he was _dead_."

CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.

AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise
every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord
Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run
up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
_follow your Majesty_."

CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.

SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to
vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead
a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_,"
rejoined the father.

CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your
whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on
the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.

CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the
scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."

CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.

AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am
eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall
be _both_ of an age."

CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.

A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole
purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.

CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.

THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.
Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was
the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMAE.

"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll,
"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love
every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so
mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes
with _the public_."

CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more
punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied
John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or
conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."

CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.

BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like,
and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest
butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher
thumped the cushion."

CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.

LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my
lord, what capital _mantelpieces_ that marble would make in England!"

CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.

IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession.
"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my
roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then
returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play,
and as I can find _no trace_ of _a plot_ in either, you may go free."

CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.

DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up
the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to
induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how
extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied
the doctor; "I wish it were _impossible_."

CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.

NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at
it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects
crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest,
grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are
convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.

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