The Jest Book

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CXXIII.--DOG-MATIC.

IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a
cur." To which the other replied, "That _fawning_ was the property of a
cur as well as barking."

CXXIV.--FALSE QUANTITY.

A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.
"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of
term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_."

CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.

THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the
ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives
not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests
suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,--like a
young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.

CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.

SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch
of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous
one:

"I went to Frankfort and got drunk
With that most learned professor, Brunck;
I went to Worts and got more drunken
With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."

CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.

THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to
him, "come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very
backward."

CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.

MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.

CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.

A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of
calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share
the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said
our friend, "and you must quit."--"Why am I to quit more than
you?"--"Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_."

CXXX.--SAGE ADVICE.

THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, _hit
it_."

CXXXI.--THE PURSER.

LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them
herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a _purser_
in the navy."

CXXXII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.

WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"--"No."--"Do you want to
hae ony appointed?"--"I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_
what your lordships say."

CXXXIII--EASY AS LYING.

ERSKINE, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a
rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of
offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the
_failing_ usually attributed to travellers?"

CXXXIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.
Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been
thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here,
and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so
chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it
may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall
let me out of prison, and, instead of _seven_ groats, you shall allow me
only _eighteenpence_ a week, and the other _tenpence_ shall go towards
the discharging of the debt."

CXXXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)

IN former times the illustrious dead were burned,
Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;
This column, then, commemorates the part
Which custom makes us single out--the heart;
You ask, "How by a column this is done?"
I answer, "_'Tis a hollow thing of stone_."

CXXXVI.--FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.

A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you _lying_," answered
he.

CXXXVII.--THE INTRUDER REBUKED.

JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
me!"--"Then don't bring your _hog's head_ in here," was the prompt
reply.

CXXXVIII.--CRITICAL POLITENESS.

A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot
pass a very _old_ acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that
civility."

CXXXIX.--A GOOD PLACE.

A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct
exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."--"Sire," replied he,
"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give _my_
successor the like advice."

CXL.--A CABAL.

THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
conspiracy to overturn _monarchy_ by a _common-wheel_.

CXLI.--THE FIRE OF LONDON.

ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread
Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill
staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane
had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was
burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much
singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe
Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye
Corner were over baked."

CXLII.--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.

THE speeches made by P---- are _sound_,
It cannot be denied;
Granted; and then it will be found,
They're _little else_ beside.

CXLIII.--AN HONEST HORSE.

A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
emphatic earnestness, that "he was an _honest_ horse." After the
purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why,
sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to
_throw_ me, and he certainly never _deceived_ me."

CXLIV.--THE RETORT CUTTING.

BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at
Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were
first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a
compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.
Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said,
when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's
_translation_ to-day."--"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for
I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is
the only one in the college."

CXLV.--ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and
pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"--"O!" answered her
grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place--I hate it."--"Madam," replied
the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
morning,--I _won't rise_ to-day."

CXLVI.--A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.

A PUD IN is almi de si re,
Mimis tres Ine ver require,
Alo veri find it a gestis,
His miseri ne ver at restis.

CXLVII.--BY THE SAME.

MOLLIS abuti,
Has an acuti,
No lasso finis,
Molli divinis.
O mi de armis tres,
Imi nadis tres,
Cantu disco ver
Meas alo ver?

CXLVIII.--A HAPPY SUGGESTION.

WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.
15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold
suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The
Nightingale's Wing."

CXLIX.--PLAYING ON A WORD.

LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.
Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.
Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said,
"I think I saw a _lyre_ there." George Selwyn, who was of the party,
whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is _one less_ since he left the
country."

CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.

A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that
this man will not take the _beam out of his own eye_ before he attempts
the _mote_ in other people's?"--"Why, so I daresay he would," cried
Sheridan, "if he was sure of _selling the timber_."

CLI.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."

A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took
off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if
you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you."

CLII.--A.I.

A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did
not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They
are in Martial."--"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on
underwriting."--"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is
not so much difference between an _under writer_ and a _minor_ poet."

CLIII.--QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.

A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to
him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth
3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to
2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.
more to be worth 3,000."--"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no
ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and
I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked
abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
brother Davy, I _think_ we may accept the bail."

CLIV.--BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.

SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the
Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in
demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be
in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on
the business."--"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred
pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you
till you owe me _two_."

CLV.--EPIGRAM.

"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--_Court
Journal_.

'Tis right that Cumberland should be
In this resolve so steady,
For all the world declare that he
Is _too bare-faced_ already!

CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.

THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
pig's victuals.

"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming
Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My
Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.

"RD. GOLD."

CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.

JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me
what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I
know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't
you know?"--"I don't know _whose corn_ fats 'em!"

CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.

SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir
Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was
right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding
rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.
The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to
pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first _public money_ he had
touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped
up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.

CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.

THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
_Cart-wright_, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
_Common-Wheel_.

CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.

A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his
friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his
name and college. "I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.
"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what
college you are _not_, but of what college you are."--"I am _Nott_ of
Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he
considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and
demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him,
sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college." The
proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman,
and wished him a good night.

CLXI.--A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.

In Parliament, it's plain enough,
No reverence for age appears;
For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_,
Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.

CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.

LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until
they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers,
and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord
Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you
hanged _your tutor_, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord
Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was
hanged.

CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.

"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman
to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church
or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the
astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High
Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!"

CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.

IN making love let poor men sigh,
But love that's ready-made is better
For men of business;--so I,
If madam will be cruel, let her.
But should she wish that I should wait
And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her,
I court by _deed_, or after _date_,
Through my solicitor or banker.

CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.

A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said
the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more
illustrious _than yours_, I should have taken it."

CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant
of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking
him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with
whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.
"With the _devil's_!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, _Our trusty
and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?"--a repartee at which the king
laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.

CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.

WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader,
he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without butter_?"

CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.

ASK you why gold and velvet bind
The temples of that cringing thief?
Is it so strange a thing to find
A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?

CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.

ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each
member to be named after a sign.

"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid
that his name would be forgotten.

_Jerrold._--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the _weight_ in Libra."

CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE
HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.

"A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
Rich wine and spices waste:
Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
Bound in a precious pickle lie,
Which I can never taste!
Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
And spoil the Egyptian trade,
Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
A mummy ready made."

CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.

IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this
was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for
a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied
his lordship, "advise Caroline to _turn over a new leaf_."

CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.

E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her
lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter;
"if you please, I will draw your face _without any mouth_ at all."

CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.

DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that
the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a
bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could _understan'_ them?"

CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.

WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of
a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that
time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the
counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified
conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in
discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse
himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was
addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his
Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the
advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship
observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your
pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's _more
important_ occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to
attend to my client and his humble advocate."

CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.

(A good word for Ministers.)

THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
Their promises which end in smoke;
Thus their defence I build;
Granted in office they have slept,
Yet sure those _promises_ are _kept_
Which never are fulfilled.

CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.

A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been
hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the _grocery
line_?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a
_different line_ when he died."

CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.

AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a
friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."

CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.

SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and
at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer,
"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I
made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew."

CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
that he borrowed, "that he had _lost half_ of his memory."

CLXXX.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.

WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in
the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this
case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is
ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_."

CLXXXI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.

THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--

"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable,
envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous,
keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate,
quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious,
abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating,
gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless,
savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious,
blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful,
inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing,
unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring,
incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring,
sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome,
tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling,
brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal,
dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable,
irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive,
outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged,
spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly,
suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent,
wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."

CLXXXII.--A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.

A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects
of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite
right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are
_shorter_."

CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.

HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
strangers' gardens.

CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.

IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those
which are _true_ are not _new_!"

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