The Jest Book

M >> Mark Lemon >> The Jest Book

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28

MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.

CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My
learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point,
and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the
question out altogether."

MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.

A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the
witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."

MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.

BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May
be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though
it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."

MDL.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
"Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
"So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"

MDLI.--A KIND HINT.

LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would
certainly give _satisfaction_.

MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.

AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the
pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole,
one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists
of the day.

MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.

AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house,
exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I
hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the
camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."

MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.

A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket,
beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far
from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."

MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.

WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:
"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_,
Lundy!"

MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."

AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for
them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to
pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the
"_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.

MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.

TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.

MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.

AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about
being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."

MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.

THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and
inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will
be _change for a guinea_."

MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.

A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just
seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O,
he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a
_white_ mark on him!"

MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.

HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his
friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the
most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied
the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly
claim upon me_."

MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.

A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his
verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed
him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."

MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.

A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the
coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the
honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a
house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply,
"It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."

MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.

BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many
thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure
and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and
bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman,
the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever
yours, _S.S._"

MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.

THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend
entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far
spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_,"
replied the poet.

MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.

THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of
pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who
had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had
heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last
night in his _own medicine chest_."

MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.

ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin
and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the
captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I
don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."

MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.

"I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such _winning ways_!"

MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.

THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and,
affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook
concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to
anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if
any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"

MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.

A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for
yours_."

MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.

AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured
it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George
D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't
know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a
great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but
then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon,
turning away.

MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.

WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
No generous patron would a dinner give.
See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
Presented with a monumental bust.
The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
He asked for bread, and he received a stone.

MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.

MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not
proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he
had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the
word_,--somebody give him the word!"

MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."

PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of
it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir,"
returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was
_not contemptible_."

MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.

ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present
observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head,
and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor,
undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."

MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."

A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his
head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are
picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I
_takes_ 'em as they come!"

MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.

THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a
good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever
tasted in my life."

MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.

EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
Francis Jeffrey:--

When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
His pistols were loaded with paper.
For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse;
For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
Which is fired away at _Reviews_.

MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.

THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly.
"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said
A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of
them."

MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.

THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of
his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything
with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly
escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered,
"My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."

MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader
graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the
hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a
deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment
directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching,
however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_!
why, 't is _void_."

MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the
postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
Must take you by contraries;
What you deny, _perhaps_ is true;
But nothing that you _swear_ is.

MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get
a good one_."

MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or
rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."

MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The
doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir,
might have been born a wit!"

MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of
King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

Behold the sergeant full of fire,
Long shall his hearers rue it;
His purple garments _came from Tyre_,
His arguments _go to it_.

MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his
master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter
day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had
fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt,
grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae
great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"
said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur
_that_ is," said Matthew.

MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be
frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."

MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you
think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him
spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he
has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was
the advice of an old Chief Justice.

MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are
evidently looking more after the _effects_.

MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on
going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very
unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man
if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was
only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same
proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the
officers_."

MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with
a lemon in it.--G. A'B.

MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"
was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"

MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
Do some resemblance show;
Because the longer time they run,
The shallower they grow!

MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician
and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My
physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"

MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_
handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very
poor; in fact, having only L----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more,"
replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"

MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."

MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set
the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.

MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.

THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
Only in this, that you both painted be.

MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the
spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O,
ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply
concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish
it can have no perception of real wit").

MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I
wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the
imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said
Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."

MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty
urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots
and I gave you that."

MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court,
on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously
disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an
occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a
_turner_ or a _joiner_."

MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you
can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said
Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"

MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the
street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to
the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are
you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could
collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query,
Hook had passed on.

MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number
of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."

MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my
cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"

MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
_lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the
_foundation_ of all wit."

MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver
minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one
occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed,
"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I
was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head!

MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he
replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."

MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a
droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I
may take the _chair_?"

MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
that he kept a _hot-house_.

MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said
the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"

MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied,
"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but
whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."

MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make
Together one affirmative, let's take
P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_,
Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he
came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling
mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then
you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care
of me for your own sake_."

MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"
said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."

MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
_contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."

MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"

MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are _one_, you know;
And when _alone_ I'm weary!"

MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28