The Jest Book

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MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who
combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and
painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?"
said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure,
have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."

MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of
Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said
Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

"THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
"Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
"Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
to be _filed_ before it comes into court."

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant
to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
_waist_ for _common_?"

MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
he could only say that they should not _come by water_."

MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the
Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."

MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he;
"by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."

MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor
relations_."

MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."

LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to
a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to
find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming
with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a
good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this
way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at
the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing,
guv'ner_?"

MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed,
was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he
who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a
short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses
rest upon my son _if ever he does_."

MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.

MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I
am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost
as foolish_!"

MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid
and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered
his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."

MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to
Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of
_something else_."

MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and
_natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man
to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do
it.

MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them
in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a
person who _thinks_ of paying."

MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to
Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my
room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am
sure that he will be delighted to see me."

MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of
Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client,
the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by
laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes)
exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I
am."

MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to
insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not
got a _sovereign_ amongst them.

MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
"But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to
determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I
would _sooner take than yours_."

MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not
worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my
unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in
the _shade_."

MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in
a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to
his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my
sins upon their backs_."

MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the
pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the
election, _for he had nobody's voice against him but his own_."

MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.

IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate
returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."

MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.

MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.

A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if
such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as
you have just been _tolled_."

MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.

AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that
the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not,
sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."

MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.

IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.
The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was
walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent,
who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had
enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly
exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."

MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.

"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney
Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the
moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like
Judas_."

MDVI.--OPENLY.

NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
I own, indeed, he's got a knack
Of flattering people to their face,
But scorns to do 't behind their back.

MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.

OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop
about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"

MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.

TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No,
indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."

MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.

IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller
objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and
demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these
emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be
obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I
know _my duty_ as well as your lordship knows _your duty_. I stand here
as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The
judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.

MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.

A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!
madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the
first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said
she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and
dealing_."

MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.

TO _John_ I owed great obligation;
But _John_, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation:
Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.

MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.

JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At
Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.
At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and
pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to
prove_?"

MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.

GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain
occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings
he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to
prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the
general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts
filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having
previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub
your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water,
and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping
yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a
flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or
two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's
self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that
objection_."

MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)

FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_,
Is but intended for a _bridle_.

MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.

A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor,
"and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know
deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."

MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.

SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's
jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the
young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of
Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't
_clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."

MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.

LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason
for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his
lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."

MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.

A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the
doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen
to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself
suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure
it_."

MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.

LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't
say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do
they will certainly _tax_ it."

MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.

"WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
"Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
"What's _right_ were fashionable too."

MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.

A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!"
echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say:
but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."

MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.

A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the
master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been
_dead these three weeks_."

MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith
was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his
corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may
not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of
accident."

MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.

A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then,
sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
_altogether a moral man_."

MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.

(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)

THEY say, O'Keefe,
Thou art a thief,
That half thy works are stolen or more;
I say O'Keefe,
Thou art no thief,
Such stuff was never writ before!

MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.

A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a
friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied
by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better
than my _practice_."

MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.

MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who
told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone
there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking
terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned
out.

MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.

JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with
Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his
legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of
Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but
then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just
the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are
so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand
them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."

MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was
riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met
by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for
sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on
the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little
further, I should meet a _goose_."

MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.

THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain
person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._,
in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence,
converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin,
altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good
standing in the kitchen_.

MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)

HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
For what he says will never be believed.

MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.

WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
that "they began too late and ended too soon."

MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.

A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's
want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which
the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent
wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O,"
replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It
spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."

MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.

A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into
a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be
sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge,
but a horse never."

MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.

AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends,
one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter,"
added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a
bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."

MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the
response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your
life_."

MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.

"A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
Unto the whole can never equal be";
Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
Of them a part is equal to the whole.

MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.

BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let
Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had
the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."

MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.

DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid,
in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--

"'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'

May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor
insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in
the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

"'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'"
_Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you
follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou te
Psyche], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner,
which he thus eulogized:--

"'Hoc tum saevas paulatim mitigat iras,
Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
_Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.

MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are
murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is
far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you
do_."

MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him
overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough
to swim _to the other side_."

MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he,
"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."

MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.

A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might
_rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late
mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my
_jaw-bones_."

MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.

A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as
good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish
chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."

MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.

"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
So now I'm quite at sea."
Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
There, take this recipe."

MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.

A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking
politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a
loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll
show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical,
sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the
corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a
radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"

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