The Jest Book

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MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him
the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was
desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages
are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am
afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."

MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
Ensures continuance to thy fame;
Both sense and truth this verdict give.
While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!

MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The
robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had
experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that
the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the
hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"
said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he
would have _killed_ the whole of us."

MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic
Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted
the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a
message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a
gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and
courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to
be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a
moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a
_Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my
gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the
_mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's
impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."

MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered
round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to
see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a
large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs
for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got
but one _silver spoon_ among them all."

MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks
I must and will deny;
They say their master is a knave:
And sure _they do not lie_.

MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of
gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair
which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones
shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_
for ever."

MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No
Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid
all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"

MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully
Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate,
appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a
very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was
struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in
the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!
why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but
too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"

MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

"HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick,
"What makes my ankles grow so thick."
"You do not recollect," says Harry,
"_How great a calf_ they have to carry."

MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord,"
answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken,
and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."

MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been
directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
"_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly
prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."

MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by
his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was
enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow,
D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when,
looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart,
and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy
way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way,
and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before
the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.

MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland,
Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.

MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

GEORGE the First was always reckoned
Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of George the Third?
When from earth the Fourth descended,
God be praised, the Georges ended.

MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.
"I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go
to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an
umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_
did, _borrow one_!"

MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
House of Commons a vote of L400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon
of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties
of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the
Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question
from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger
went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An
archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an
ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with
this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought
to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop
himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such
answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a
saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days,
who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and
when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account
of its _lavendric_ properties."

MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S
DAY, 1787."

THE City-feast inverted here we find,
For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.

MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the
Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by
younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the
_fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die
for it."

MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend
had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he
attained the age of _one hundred_.

MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the
Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only
there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not
distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long)
_ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek
derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes
from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It
is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"

MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,
But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.

MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the
doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.
Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent
to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his
rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_
it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I
will _take anything from him, except physic_."

MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered
about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering
bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I
will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed
the following epigram:--

That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,
Is most undeniably true;
But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,
It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.

MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there,
took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and
Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with
flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You
called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"

MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What
are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.
"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite
wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"

MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

IN reading his name it may truly be said,
You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.

MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A
B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to
the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before
you."

MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
"Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."

MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days";
the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend
asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the
reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why,
didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful
mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."

MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of
the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was
saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly
observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for
really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"

MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
Pursuing a querulous strain?
When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,
What _right has she left to complain_?

MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's;
whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very
modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to
know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast
at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being
but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray
oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him
in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you
are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."

MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman
asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much
identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of
performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything
you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."

MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen
Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.
"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said
George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"

MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy
man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get
even a _little_."

MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

O DRY that tear so round and big,
Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
Death only takes _a single pig_--
Your _lord and son_ are still behind.

MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite
innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."

MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.

MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of
_The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of
the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so
affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's
distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend
to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."

MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

"TAXES are equal is a dogma which
I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;
"Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich,
And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."

MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of
_other people_."

MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out
to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to
the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said:
"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did
you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined
Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your
Beaver_" (Belvoir).

MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied
that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put
you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if
you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in
your _head_."

MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat
confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the
reply to the confounded Chancellor.

MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While
seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked
him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_,"
was the ready reply.

MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

"IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,
As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
"Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
"For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."

MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time
of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the
different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers
was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend,
these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the
lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little
limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never
can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.
"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march,
you would _halt_!"

MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and
cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you
leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it
not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"

MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular
name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find
it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember
where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"

MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must,
however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let
us make our _servants fast_."

MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered,
"To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all
that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."

MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.

MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative
of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was
found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as
the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand
still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.

MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald
disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one
another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature,
he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr.
Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have
been saying for _the last hour_."

MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be
teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal
_tiger_ of Bengal?"

MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your
life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace
hold yours?"

MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether
the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered,
he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."

MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
Full many a gallant man lies slain;
But none, by bullet or by shot,
Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.

MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.

MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of
work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie
down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."

MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was
made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who
accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my
heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."

MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit
down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke,
happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the
Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the
commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not
think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume
upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your
Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in
the world_."

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