The Jest Book

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MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.

A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't
_live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"

MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.

AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"
replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."

MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington
Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a
like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the
Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.
Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go
over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."

MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I
would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was
in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your
father_."

MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.

THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance
the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed
the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen
like this?"

MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well,
you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.

MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."

MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.

DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle,
who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him,
"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady,"
replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected
that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that
you might lie every night at one of _your own_."

MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.

THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan;
but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one
should have been at his service."

MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.

BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but
where is the _fork_?"

MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.

A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two
country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll,
one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he;
"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a
fever _these three weeks_."

MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"HOW long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I _canna say I do_."

MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
were often very ridiculous in the _titles_ they gave. "That," said a
distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns
appear _not to be exempt_."

MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.

WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more
time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"

MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the
love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach
of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in
about four weeks after being written upon.

MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.

A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain
barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular
settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account,
carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to
31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made
some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer
thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was
readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches
proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would
measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.
1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.

MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.

BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were
about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.
Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain
one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by
Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the
truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination
last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens
used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would
call a true bill against Jem."

MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball
during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused
the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you
see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."

MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging
each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper
prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I
only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore,
all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death
to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--

'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,
The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"

MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.

GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving
him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and
continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again,
"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had
occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage,
said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If
Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John,
_I'll knock you down_."

MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.

A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the
stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her
life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."

MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.

A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough,
sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the
Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I
asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well,
no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he
said it_."

MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.

IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at
rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having
casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's
true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at
this time of the year."

MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.

SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of
his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his
hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he
sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly
denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell
you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the
truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which
caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.

MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was
trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not
affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he
died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with
him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"

MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.

WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the
crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of
his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their
titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself
_Silly-Bubb_!"

MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.

AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!"
was his answer.

MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet,
in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I
purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous
sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an
antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However,
I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I
derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to
purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the
antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this
good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated
astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone
which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the
parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"

MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it
my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of
his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it
may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in
my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall
have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."

MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.

A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room,
and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up
stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show
his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together,
and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there
till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances,
ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this
unwonted fashion.

MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William
Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man,
observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with
contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those
_life-preservers_!"

MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.

DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty
of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cucumber_, of which she
was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for
dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care;
then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and
then--_throw it away_."

MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding
officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new
one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith
there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."

MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.

SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer,
"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I
had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
_more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."

MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.

IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
the following terms:--

Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the
horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while
eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads
_from the manger_.

MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one of the most
distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the
course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly
_recherche_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very
good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very
good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!"
exclaimed Cambaceres, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what
_did_ you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
_confidence_."

MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When
informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the
cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why
he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he
could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new
foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed
to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.
Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too
long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."

MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very
handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not
think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should
not _say so_."

MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do
when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't
you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The
doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.

MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord
Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little
stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red;
nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret
complexion.

MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you
will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home
immediately.

MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no
employment which requires such constant _application_.

MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"
which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former
title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the
kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that
Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his
suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and
down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the
Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a
great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my
pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the
price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a
dozen!"

MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have
_mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener,
"you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines,
I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"

MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat
lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took
place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not
be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife
took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice
Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would
have cost you about L100. When you had recovered substantial damages
against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_. That would
have cost you L200 or L300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _a
mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
House of Lords for a divorce _a vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have
been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
altogether you would have had to spend about L1000 or L1200. You will
probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in
which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for
_delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses
were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not
addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers,
the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who
closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated
by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was,"
said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from
morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."

MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in
the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of
him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."

MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

IF anybody comes to I,
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
If after that they like to die,
Why, what care I, I Lettsom.

MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a
portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share
of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the
will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for
the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain
for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth
part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he
is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"

MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to
the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty
never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets
'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"
says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found
nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir
Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us:
there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done
anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."

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