The Jest Book

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ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."

LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."

JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to
_pay for their entertainment_."

LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.

WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
least degree discomposed, "_run back and assist in putting it out_."

LVI.--A BAD SHOT.

A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
_never hit_ what I fire at."

LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.

IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a
_fool_."

LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.

AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a
laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
_impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--

Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"
Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_,
The Sexton and his Subs:
How foolishly we play our parts!
Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_,
_We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!

LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the
lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."

LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.

A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked
the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am
not_," replied the other.

LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.

DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.

LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.

DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I
would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the
doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you
mend I'll mend_."

LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.

A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad,
and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."

LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.

LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
_meeting again_."

LXV.--A LATE EDITION.

IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."

LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
So termagant awhile her thunder tries,
And when she can no longer scold, she cries.

LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.

AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold
is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
by the ordeal of women."

LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.

_Pope._

SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
As to be minister of state,
I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.

_Craggs._

ALAS! if I am such a creature,
To grow the worse for growing greater,
Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,
'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.

LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.

THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for
the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"

LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.

LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
Laid many heavy loads on thee!

LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.

WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
them proved _prince's metal_."

LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.

THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
_fellowship_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of
it_."

LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.

A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."

LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.

"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the
pithy answer.

LXXV.--EPIGRAM.

YOU say, without reward or fee,
Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
I say he never did prescribe for me,
The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.

LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.

SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined
to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"
and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.
So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite
Article_."

LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.

ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--

"They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."

LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.

THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
the _wrong Phillips_."

LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.

"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
negro _to get oil_."

LXXX.--A BAD CROP.

A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.

LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.

COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."

LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.

DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."

LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.

AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
_creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."

LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had
plenty of friends in both houses."

LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.

"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_
in them when I saw her last."

LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.

AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the
alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."

LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.

A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last
folly_."

LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.

WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship
mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it
not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
but _two legs of mutton_."

LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.

WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other
of my generals."

XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.

TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
how _old_ we are to be this year."

XCI.--NOT RIGHT.

A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your
honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
_left-handed_."

XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.

DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
them with the following lines:--

"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
I would not retain it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_,
Is sure to be instantly _in it_."

XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."

A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."

XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.

A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.
"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.

XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.

A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the
world."

XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.

A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."

XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.

TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."

XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.

SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
impossible to touch him anywhere without _pricking_ one's fingers.

XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."

A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one
_ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not
taste a drop of their _ditto_."

C.--COMPUTATION.

AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two
ciphers_."

CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.

AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
"is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father
_was born_!!"

CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.

ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and
remained silent.

CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.

ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on
my head_ would hurt it."

CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.

A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."

CV.--A BAD HARVEST.

THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse
the crop_.'"

CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.

MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_
wrapped up in one of your works."

CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.

A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
_stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."

CVIII.--ARCADIA.

A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen
miles of the neighborhood.

CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.

A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"

CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.

COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a
day after the fair_.

CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.

A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"
said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."

CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.

A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"

CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.

A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."

CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.

IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.

CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.

WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already
written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be
one," replied he.

CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.

A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very
heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _naivete_, "_I shall be
in it_."

CXVII.--CAP THIS.

SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."

CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.

A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."

CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.

TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_
From a flint so unluckily thrown;
I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,
'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.

CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.

WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number
45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."

CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.

AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
living, said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales,
that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner."--"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
_toasted_ his own cheese."

CXXII.--A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.

A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to _quiz_ a poor Irishman, asked him,
"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have
a _shillalah_ in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel,
would you like to taste the _stalk_?" and knocking the inquirer down,
coolly walked off.

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