The Jest Book

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MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.

LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken
immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on
the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most
excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had
ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of
impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the
sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his
body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he
has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."

MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."

IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the
gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an _exeat_, in
rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself
through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he
stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the
student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank
you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew
himself back on the outside.

MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.

FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters
sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the
post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_.
He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his
handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the
truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked
them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_
when you make _free_?"

MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.

WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of
Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the
king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that
he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like
a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in
_truth_."

MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.

A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared
so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest)
that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been
drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor
forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."

MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six
months_ each time.

MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.

A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen
the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be
glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last
night,--_against a wall_."

MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at
the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After
eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant
retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to
only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours
afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican,
understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!
man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such
adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the
landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my
house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."

MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.

JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full
of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted
against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"
took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel,
who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing
the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some
public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The
official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious
asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no
nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.

MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.

AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum:
"Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_,
21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--

Lost by his death on this essay L 1 11 6
Gained in elegies 2 2 0
Gained in essays 3 3 0
Am glad he is dead by 3 13 6."

Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously
vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.

MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.

I WOULD not pay a coin to see
An animal much larger;
Surely the mammoth horse must be
Rather an _overcharger_.

MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.

A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.
The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to
share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.
This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his
learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined
the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"

MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the
butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye
buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want
anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you
will make my fortune."

MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a
very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for,
saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."

MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.

IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_
servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done;
and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.

MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.

A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such
an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every
right, as the _first discoverer_."

MCCXXXI.--A POSER.

AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was
allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----,
having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her
steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out,
and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air,
"do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the
immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's
cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other
way.

MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.

A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid
one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is
admirable stuff to catch flies_."

MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.

THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his
command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among
them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason
they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor
he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of
_grog_.

MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.

A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who
does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will
_do well_; let those who choose _do better_."

MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.

DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after
snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale,
let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will
_awake the king_!"

MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.

LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.
Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and
Moore, and I passed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without
one yawn, from six to one in the morning."

One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of
that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and
bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you,
sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"
Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron
notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor
fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of
others."

MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir
Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing
in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is
another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is
that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."

MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and
universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in
Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony,
the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition
wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on
a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding
meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual
kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's
come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld
faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the
Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this
allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he
_turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then
rode quietly away.

MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_,
because it shows that the party once had credit.

MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.

A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"

MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
after having been told that he could not in all human probability
survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted
the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said,
with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I
_live till nine_!"

MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.

THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much
as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years
of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once
dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of
the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he
was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is
the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.
Burke _is up_."

MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was
speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you
mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who
has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr.
Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the
king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good
preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were
afterwards both Bishops.

MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.

"MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
"What homage we nobles command in the world!"
"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
_Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"

MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.

TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations
of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace
the following passage:--

"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:
Tempus abire tibi est."

"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I
think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to
it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be
_bribe-isti_ in your Horace."

MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.

FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him;
but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is
hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and
hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied,
"Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."

MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.

IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he
rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.
Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.
Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to
rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief,
"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"

MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.

AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something
more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so
engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land,
_trees and all_."

MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.

BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James
was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale,
Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I
take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in
Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you
should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to
the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir,"
replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary
cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord;
answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for
you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."

MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether
the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty,
answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an
ambassador_."

MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.

A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye
caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe a la
flamande"--"Soupe a la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquee"--"Pieds de
Cochon a la Ste. Menehould"--"Pates de sanglier"--"Pates a la gelee de
volailles"--"Les cannelons de creme glacee." It was too much for his
simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried
to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.

IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less
they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.

MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.

AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor
Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer,
and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness,
"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not
an oyster_."

MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.

LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent
tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have
made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it
won't make him _throw up the seals_."

MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for
instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was
both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_
approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."

MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.

THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped
over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his
attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good
living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of
me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor
similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.

MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.

A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_
her talk."

MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.

A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can
assure you nothing will be done _without me_."

MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what
he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.
"That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."

MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.

LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a
week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that
the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get
no one to accept the bet.

MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.

PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics,
was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked
of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_.
The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was
very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the
lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her
laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."

MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.

A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn,
and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so
useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you
see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man
has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but
I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on
fire."

MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.

TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are
to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a
coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider
that he likewise keeps a _dray_."

MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.

A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid
of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."

MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.

THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the
Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine
place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is
rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for
treason!"

MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.

SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist:
"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His
enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he
talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence,
that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"

MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.

THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em
agin_ the next day."

MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.

AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy,
my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."

MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great
vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with
great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the
king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "nobody that is
within the reach of _that fist of yours_."

MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully,
during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health
before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a
gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady,
your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I
cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."

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