The Jest Book

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MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and
hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on
the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.

MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,
having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he
forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth
immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or
not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the
physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so
_good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill
them."

MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.

MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at
last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you
that as _an annuity_ for your life."

MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging
sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve
you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting
for _all parishes_."

MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his
opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_,"
replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne
of England."

MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great
promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."

MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so
with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive
a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in
writing_."

MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his
servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room,
"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very
glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."

MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered
the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your
great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the
questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished
there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do
me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably
in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly
in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you
_go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing
all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_
me."

MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here
titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke
responded, "No; but I am NOW."

MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as
country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for
two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook
them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the
word.

MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned
down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at
first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same
evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact,
"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any
longer_."

MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier,
"be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."

MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a
_philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he
collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the
proceeds."

MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity,
he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not
thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was
against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask
twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for
seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he
has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."

MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow,
shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the
gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied
the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word
of _Latin_."

MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day
when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and
asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great
sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him
long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then
you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his
application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different
opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"
added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."

MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his
operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being
likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you,
madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."

MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the
workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made,
he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything
that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why
then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you
these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do
you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray
come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very
distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."

MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.
"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal
highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally
_loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just
entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your
mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these
Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he
caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE,
BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen
his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the
non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like
you_."

MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at
the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his
old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed,
but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I
recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I
shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad
affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he
suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the
relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix,
_for I can't rise from the fire_."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of
mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not
many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And
larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my
lord--_for ever_!"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I
do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have
seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual
increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of
this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_,
but the _water_ was _smoky_!"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we
must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the
_other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in
Hudibras,--

"For Hudibras wore but one spur;
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]

MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
"_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."

MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.

A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being
asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring
to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and
confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told
you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty
years, it has been my _manner_."

MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.

JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_
for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented
by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the
prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is
no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."

MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.

SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to
know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the
Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."

MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.

"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will
never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that
quickly," replied a bystander.

MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.

A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings,
and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his
elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a
witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C----
the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the
better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see
him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half
slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."

MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.

A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a
small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In
the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles,
instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax
candle_.

MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.

"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house
at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.

MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.

ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And
why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes,
mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out
all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle,
and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"

MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.

A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report
the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions
_always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl
brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she
de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"

MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.

A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a
lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate,
who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next
year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably
together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."

MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.

MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord
Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I
declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of
the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and,
should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought
to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is
the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of
my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of
John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the
purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."

MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.

LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never
put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the
blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is
_not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."

MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.

MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of
refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in
_exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied,
"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye
can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in
the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."

MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.

IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his
younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by
the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he,
"it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my
brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."

MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.

IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much
laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for
the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants
in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive
words than these could not be found in any language.

MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.

THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not
fail to take.

MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.

MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of
your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant
relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
reply.

MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

"HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
"The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said."
"That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be
With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."

MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.

A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied
the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the
gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your
names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very
deliberately walked off.

MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.

BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I
like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get
over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"

MCCI.--NON COMPOS.

IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.

MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.

A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you
have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."

MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.

HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,
And then he _mizzled_!

MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.

P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him.
"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the
author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the
preference"; and accordingly took the lead.

MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.

DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient
rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor,
shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all
your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your
glass, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of
it_ the better."

MCCVI.--SEVERE.

A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "_she_." The
son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than
the hull."

MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.

A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime
cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never
_paid a farthing for it himself_."

MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.

A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The
little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
plum-pudding _to-night_."

MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.

A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."

MCCX.--JUDGMENT.

JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his
sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father,
Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of
sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
his head?"

MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.

IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
You're like your picture, though it's not like you.

MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.

IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they
have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.

MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an
advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.

MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.

ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert
Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly
desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those
cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.
The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of
honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly
a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that
everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?
What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor;
a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a
roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and
so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the
maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she
convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in
a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black
rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!

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