The Jest Book

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MII.--IN THE DARK.

A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming
their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.

MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.

"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of
Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll
give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down
if you'd give me _two dozen_!"

MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.

HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by
the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after
the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him
on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of
the _Last Ministry_!"

MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.

AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."

MVI.--A COMMON WANT.

IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
disputants, he began:--

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"

"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.

MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.

THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a
party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that
"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr.
Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."

MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow,
slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the
sight of his _bear_.

MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.

READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.

MX.--SMART REPLY.

SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the
reply.

MXI.--CALUMNY.

GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They
tell me, Sir John, you love a _glass_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have
so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me
great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"

MXII.--LOVE.

THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in
life.--D.J.

MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_
countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let
him_!"

MXIV.--TOO FAST.

TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other
joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."

MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.

A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he
had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I
should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"

MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.

THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of
conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they
thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a
_transporting_ one."

MXVII.--HARD-WARE.

A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--

Such notes, as warbled to the string,
Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.

The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably
delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in
iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.

MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.

A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are
_exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."

MXIX.--DOGMATISM

IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.

MXX.--SALAD.

TO make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"

MXXI.--ACTOR.

A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty
pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A
comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with
wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and
do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"

MXXII.--EPIGRAM.

THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.

MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.

"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."

MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.

WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
(I note it here in charity),
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!

MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.

RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and
watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered
something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying
to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been
unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought
to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your
Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened
to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a
very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go
off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.

MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.

A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can
furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two
volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them
once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"

MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)

THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
The House would most willingly spare them;
For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_,
That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.

MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.

A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging
from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon
failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly
abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst
the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of
the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the
snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became
back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the
minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that
he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new
idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."
The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was
John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath
snuff now came into good use.

[B] Swept.

MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
principles he has always professed.)

SURE in the House he'll do but little good
Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."

MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.

LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools
or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll
tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But,
perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't
mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the
answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I
should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_
in the twinkling of an eye!"

MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.

AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked
down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.

SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us;
If you do wish to damn us quite,
Only begin to _praise_ us!

MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.

MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern
General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper,
and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased,
and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa
never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the
paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows:
"General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for
parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally
rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks
_twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to
her father.

MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.

A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near
thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret
at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every
day."

MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.

PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English
physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a
coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that
he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had
digested_.

MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacificum_." A curate,
who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was
_Mare Mortuum_ first."

MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.

A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
_hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your
solitude_."

MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.

SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To "Argus," with his hundred I's!

MXXXIX.--A POSER.

IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my
lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The
Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both
sides, whom will you have me believe?"

MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.

A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked
a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll
tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."

MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.

SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
The early bishops used to join the dance,
And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
That Bishops still know how to pirouette.

MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.

A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are
you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may
leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both
sides_."

MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.

"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had
been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but
gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"

MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.

"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.

"Yes, your honor," was the reply.

"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned
counsel.

"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.

AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.

POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
For twenty years he did the duties well,
Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"

MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.

A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner,
entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his
parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin,
being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair
of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I
think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"

MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.

FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
"Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I
don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have
everything keep to its _native element_."

MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.

"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake,
ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_
than he is!"

MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.

STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of
treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine
sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The
husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his
wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think
so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."

ML.--CROMWELL.

ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--

"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
Is the name of the man that murdered the king."

MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.

AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to
settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_
painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George
the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this
circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he
wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which
Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN
FULL."

MLII.--WOMEN.

AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our
mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in
all ages our friends."

A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a
woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and
a woman to make us _forget_ them."

MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.

AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.
This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always
went through _thick_ and _thin_."

MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.

CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if
_dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"

MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.

POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of
beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I
will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did,
till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a
haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at
trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way
to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'
standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"

MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."

SHELLEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"
And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
For surely an age would be spent in the finding
A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.

MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.

HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was
_trying_."

MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.

THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding
evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous
emotions.--S.S.

MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.

_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
Sycophant._

SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
Because the character was drawn too true;
It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.

MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.

AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
him _standing behind a tree_.

MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.

A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath
than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should
find a _husband_ at the bottom."

MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.

A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you
want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I
can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that
makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.

MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.

FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"
said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."

MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.

WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into
the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put
little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I
shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."

MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.

LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on,
Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in
_consultation_."

MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.

A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that
time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did
you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running
away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he
was_."

MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.

SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish
towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped
himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at
the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"

MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
CHAPEL.

TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
Oh could I do but either as I ought!
In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
I pray too little, and I fast too much.

MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.

A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."

MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.

COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand
head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has
still an eye to the woolsack."

MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.

SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury
Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where
the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui
lumen adeptum."

MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!

WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if
he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I
had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a
two-pair-of-stairs window."

MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.

SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in
India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed,
"Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"

MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.

A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."

MLXXV.--A BALANCE.

"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith,
I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."

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