The Jest Book

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THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
_late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the
reprover.

CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so
little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without
hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first
fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any
advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out
of the ring shall go for nothing."

CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was
puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that
should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.

CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.

FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
Who values herself on her family's blood:
Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
_Libera me!_

From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
_Libera me!_

From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
And still to bind over will find some pretence,
_Libera me!_

From dealing with great men and taking their word,
From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
_Libera me!_

From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
_Libera me!_

CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see
the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little
dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride,
cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down
little _China_."

CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.

A CORRESPONDENT, something new
Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be X.Q.Z.

CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.

IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of
this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had
given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he
might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in
disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made
the following elegant retort:--

"_Laudatur ab his_."

CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.

A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.

CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.

A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern
you_."

CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.

I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.

CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.

GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said
Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"

CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.

COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin
Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were
visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the
audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his
failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When
the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder
hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and
striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of
mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and
was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having
cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in
vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling,
thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the
value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is
lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only
son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not
many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the
defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they
choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he
staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing
the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed
L1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but,
too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as
the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the
business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor
played the part.

CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.

"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young
Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."

CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.

A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded,
he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially
made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and
after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a
similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a
tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation,
referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up
an' awa_?"

CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.

ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag,
in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to
lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the
modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--

"Happy and glorious"--
_Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us,
_Heaven send no more of us_,
God save the Queen!

which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a
full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.

CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?

HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow,
For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!

CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.

HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping
his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson
took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir,
was a _digression_: now for the argument."

CMXLIX.--LYING.

DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.

CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.

A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says
the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"

CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.

CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much
longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's
ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"

CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field,
where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were
collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of
opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot
retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last
cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive
everywhere."

CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following
note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead
my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be
hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be
hanged, then, if I do_."

CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury
_one-and-twenty of them_."

CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how
many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"

CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
_represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult
to the members who represent that wretched country."

CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call,
It surely would be _properer_,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
A dancing piece a _hopperer_!

CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear
it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have
a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With
pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against
_the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
"It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and
_gape_ at the same time."

CMLXII.--TROPHIES.

A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the
Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had
many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."

CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?
Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."

CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first
sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."

CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.
No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.

CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.

A GREAT pretender to gentility
Came to a herald for his pedigree:
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
Told him he was a gentleman of note,
And that he had a very glorious coat.
"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."

CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with
great naivete: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an
_emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my
stomach either time."

CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
enemy.

CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the
young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"

CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are
you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand
pounds!"

CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."

CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the
Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort
of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked
at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it
all into _cheese_ several years ago!"

CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.

"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a
prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put
there for but to find that out?"

CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
"You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand
me_."

CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

FRANK, who will any friend supply,
Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
"Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
No need to waste my paper too."

CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_
we have for each other."

CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A
GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people
as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their
prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."

CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X----
in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some
important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his
office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many
patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in
the vicinity.

CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be
livin' on the first flure."

CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE
OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

HIS degradation is complete,
His name with loss of honor branding:
When he resolved to win his seat
He literally lost his standing.

CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it
being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----,
did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I
would subscribe too."

CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out
as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could
be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such
an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."

CMLXXXIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his
college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some
_jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to
alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the
following extemporaneous lines:--

A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made,
And fenced it with a _little_ palisade;
Because this garden made a _little_ talk,
He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk;
And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett,
A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.

CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
the other.

CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which
his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.
The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he
should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as
you live."

CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the
coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural
curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this
bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then
very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your
_wine-cellar_!"

CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a
boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
haste, and digested them at leisure."

CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between
them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the
sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far
as it will go_."

CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a
sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No,"
said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.

CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.

ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ----
approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in
before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing
the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and
then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read
the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."

CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.

A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The
unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop;
beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the
remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech
quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his
softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."

CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.

KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after
the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting
him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's
a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."

Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies
from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the
infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often
unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes
of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play
_Othello_."

CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.

AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian
Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript
Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate
me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the
transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his
opponents.--S.S.

CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.

THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always
poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.

CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.

A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages."

CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.

THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
"How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
"And instantly I'll go and--ask it."

CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.

AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of
his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest
son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"

CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
_baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote,
who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as
appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended
the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely
paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town,
Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment
to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at
the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."

CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.

THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.

M.--GRAFTING.

VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the
Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious
forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a
peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!

MI.--A SHORT CREED.

A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then
young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."

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