The Jest Book

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"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURAE.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
"save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of
age."

DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you
have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection
happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have
been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that
he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an
equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than
himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had
fifty who _deserved hanging_.

DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim,
She still appears _a-verse_ to him.

DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his
serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers
got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.

IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers
have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them
a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more
celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny
lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it
neither _applies_ to you nor me."

DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."

DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
"Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no
man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he
spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years
treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why,
sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our
ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated
the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"

DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that
very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of
tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of
which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the
implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with
the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son.
"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take
th' _ould_ ones?"

DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX,"
concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four
glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home
gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."

DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your
blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If
Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with
_blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it
punished with _death_!"

DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon
an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.

DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple
of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of
_capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men
begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did
not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship.
"Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop,
"_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."

DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

"THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
And to believe his lordship I am prone,
Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.
"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my
pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of
success. Your pieces have all been tried before."

DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am
surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know
you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for
_those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."

DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man
who _makes his own will_."

DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend,
"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books
themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."

DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On
discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg
pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the
honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly
replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this
Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland,
perhaps I could be."

DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a
dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not
been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded
that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_
to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.

DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular
form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to
me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf)
"Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.

DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says
he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris
were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive
to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed
it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to
the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the
majority, and by this means the bill passed."

DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door,
I can assure you."

DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was
answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was
the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at
my door in the morning."

DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!
poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."

DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular
use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not
sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good
nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep
upon it."

DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he
is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art
thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may
be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_
very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy
pocket?" inquired the "Friend."

DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he,
"it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget
it_."

DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.

DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
to _clinch the roots_.

DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"
inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_,
so they won't know it."

CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to
turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and
asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?
"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made
amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _a la tete
tranchee_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop
his handkerchief for the signal.

CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"
replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a
gainer by the bargain."

CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the
way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on
as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake
them_."

CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial
spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do
you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your
duns!"

CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she
is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't
you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by
art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her:
_nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."

CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he
ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"
said he, "have _friends_ than hares."

CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you
have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No,
sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a
pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."

CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish
as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving
as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller,
laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and
some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller
has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.
"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."

CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.

CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back,
and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much
of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."

CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a
glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
And like the _half_ you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!

CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green
Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all,
you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David,"
rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator
for this hot weather."

CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said
the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"

CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He
certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.

CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the
testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to
himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case
I rather think your lordship _takes the will for the deed_."

CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that,
if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him,
by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.

CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.
Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on
account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him
sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared
up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."

CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty,
he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all
night."

CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)

IF it's true a newly made M.P.
Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."

CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of
conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in
question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"
said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state
of his saucers."

CMXXI.--A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted
_Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
_Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I
cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech
you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amusement of the
audience, he played "God save the king!"

CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing
elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them,
for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.

CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a
living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the
morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_
he says."

CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it
would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."

CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one
person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean
_his departure_.--G. A'B.

CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near
the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the
_racecourse_."

CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter
Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one
striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used
in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the
room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--

"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
Majestic silence," &c.

CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of
his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.
During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man
whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He
traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end
without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about
to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his
labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her
friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named
Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed,
does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been
rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man
with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and
Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell
into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length,
however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her
companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!
whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she
added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"

CMXXIX.--A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his
friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You
have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.

CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the
evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to
the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was
personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is
naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--

Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
town_!

Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
town_!!

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say
that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at
that particular moment, have been put to him.

CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On a little member's versatility.)

WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
To _rat_, there is a reason strong,
He needs be _everything by turns_,
Who is by nature _nothing long_.

CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.

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