The Jest Book

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DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.

WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral!
white at _the main_!"

DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."

DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.

THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
_Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in
soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an
auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other
house_."

DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.

MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_
hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"

DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never
observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As
you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for
Measure_."

DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
_that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its
due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."

DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRAETEREA NIHIL.

"I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
Said a punster perusing a trial;
"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
He's been _Vaux et praeterea nihil_."

DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.

DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."

DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"

DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when
speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it
poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole
_encyclopaedias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two
_mandami_.

DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted
upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do
you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes,
indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck
by your _barrenness_," was the retort.

DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.

DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.

A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his
silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one
occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament
called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much
eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles,
without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked
across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy
chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."

DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.

MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"
upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain
_common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
ken."

DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.

A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he
put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir,"
stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."

DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.

PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said,
"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson
good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it
be as like _two shillings_ as you can."

DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.

THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
Is built upon the fool or madman's head.

DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.

COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into
it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him,
"B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the
chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head,
and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you
scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright
your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"

DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.

THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with
black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great
solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So
friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ God Almighty." This
seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was
addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and
went about her necessary business and avocations.

DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.

A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she,
"thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth.
"Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not
make a practice of it."

DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!

WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I
want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
be off!"

DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following
advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition
steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the
captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time,
especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the
resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid
their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons
without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why
to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat,
and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have
not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the
rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard
during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger
overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives
an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"

DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate
him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let
me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case
was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave
you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."

DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said
the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_
makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"

DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a
_mute_.

DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a
broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"
After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the
owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."

DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster
Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is
colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so
_large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."

DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive
evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--

"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze
pretty sure the defendant throwed it."

"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."

"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."

"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a
stone of some bigness."

"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I
recollect, it wur something of a stone."

"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare
it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large
as a lump o' chalk!"

DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.

A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another
that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other,
"I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."

DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.

STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose,
Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which
of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are
_gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_,
but the _epicures_ will attack you!"

DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.

IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery
bier_."

DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS),
WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."

THIS name's the best that could be given,
As will by proof be quickly seen;
For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.

DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.

IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear
friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do
not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase
at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this
matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they
had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an
avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young
rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I
pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my
administration has been attended with a different effect."

"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty
of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one
night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand,
and _up starts_ a patriot."

DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."

WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was
so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so
much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to
get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and
for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and
accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord
Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."

DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.

THE first of all the royal infant males
Should take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.

DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.

A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.

DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.

A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.

DCCV.--NOT TRUE.

A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"
replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more
likely to make a good husband."

DCCVI.--BETTING.

THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
"Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at
White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the
club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they
were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said
it would affect the fairness of the bet."

DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.

PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of
attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."

DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.

THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will overwhelmed expire.
Put not then your hopes in weepers,
Solid work my road secures;
Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers
Never will awaken _yours_.

These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the
_last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented
author,--James Smith.

DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.

COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a
philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the
dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener
no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed,
"_Them's the jockeys for me_!"

DCCX.--EQUALITY.

A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for
a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the
highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep
off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"

DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.

AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the
defendant."

DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.

WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would
spend L50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true
English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would
pay for that.

DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.

A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing
counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are
you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you
dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."

DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.

DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to
acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go,
one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him
to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid
his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--

"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."

DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.

MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady,
she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately
jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again,
she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so
wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.

THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they
could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who
heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly
hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they
were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been
laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom
he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received
for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld
sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld
sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."

DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.

LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.

DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.

A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you
know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are
better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter,
for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."

DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.

AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family
plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!

DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.

A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the
toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to
jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be
_capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"

DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.

AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of
physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was
necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation,
which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.
"O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an
agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my
dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall
live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not:
there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a
week."

DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.

LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
What secret care consumes her youth,
And circumscribes her smiles?
_A speck on a front tooth._

DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?

A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what
is going on to-day?"

Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"

DCCXXIV.--SNORING.

A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to
commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in
the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."

DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.

SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse:
"Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which
Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."

DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.

TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a
witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for
thou liest every day and all the year long."

DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.

DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

"HE that will never look upon an ass,
Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."

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