Voltaire - "Candido, o El Optimismo"

St. George Mivart - "On the Genesis of Species"

Hippolyte A. Taine - "The Origins of Contemporary France, Volume 3"

United States Department of the Interior - "The Nation's River"

Editorial
This paper argues that discourses of love in Ghanaian market literature for youth offer a view into complex negotiations of agency and empowerment. Drawing on Deborah Durham's notion of youth as "social `shifters'" and Francis Nyamnjoh's conception of the "interconnectedness" of agency, I take Ghanaian market literature as one specific case of how African literature for youth foregrounds questions of continuity and change as African societies enter into increasingly complex global relations. In this literature for youth, received notions of love, often constructed out of impressions from American pop and hip hop music, carry new notions of agency that compete with existing "domesticated" forms. Authors like Ike Tandoh and Evelyn Tay employ discourses of love to offer youth alternative avenues for empowerment in a context of socio-economic disenfranchizement. In a creative process of "straddling", this writing both reveals and reproduces the contradictions that obtain in youth configurations of agency.

The Jest Book

M >> Mark Lemon >> The Jest Book



THE JEST BOOK

[Illustration]

UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.

[Illustration]

THE JEST BOOK

THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS

SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY

MARK LEMON

[Illustration]

CAMBRIDGE

SEVER AND FRANCIS

1865




[Illustration]

PREFACE.


The Compiler of this new JEST BOOK is desirous to make known that it is
composed mainly of old jokes,--some older than Joe Miller himself,--with
a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
satisfied themselves as to the _Origin of Species_ and the _Antiquity of
Man_, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
"the Oldest Inhabitant."

A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the _Black Jack_
in Clare Market.

Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And
when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
inn,--the _Black Jack_ aforesaid,--and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
virtues.

Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
conviction!

The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold
from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
their Judgment."

Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."

Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure
does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
surprise."

Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."

The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.

"_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;
The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!"

says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
has brought together.

M.L.

[Illustration]

[Illustration]




THE JEST BOOK.


I.--THE RISING SON.

POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the
wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."


II.--SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.

SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '_About this time the
world was created_.'"


III.--A BAD EXAMPLE.

A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
you have me to imitate a man who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a
fish_?"


IV.--A CONFIRMED INVALID.

A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
I can; they tell me it is _good for the rheumatis_."


V.--COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.

LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
got a sow exactly of _your ladyship's size_."


VI.--AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.

THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--

"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
The diamond quit--with me the pencil take,
So shall _your shame_ but short duration make;
For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
Who 't was that _wrote so ill!--and loved so well_!"


VII.--NO HARM DONE.

A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
I shall soon make up the quarrel."


VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER.

A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not
satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, _pit on_ my beard again."


IX.--CHANGING HIS COAT.

A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
introduce him?"--"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
_Liveryman_ of the _city of London_. _What_ is more honorable?"


X.--GOOD ADVICE.

LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of _good_
ale by it."


XI.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
brothers--_brothers-in-law_."


XII.--A SMALL INHERITANCE.

IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a _small_
inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."


XIII.--A DIFFERENCE.

JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the _i-t-c-h_ in your name,"
said Jerrold.


XIV.--THE LIGHT SUBJECT.

THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
_one fourth_. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
them some _quarter_."


XV.--COMPLIMENTARY.

LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
old acquaintances."--"Who are they, my lord?"--"_My ribs_," replied his
lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."


XVI.--A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.

WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
it."--"Then let the king _knight her_," answered the rough seaman.


XVII.--A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.

DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
sir," said he, "the _king_ is no _subject_."


XVIII.--A CONVERT.

A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
almost a mind to turn _beggar_."


XIX.--INCREDIBLE.

SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
I came by these boots?" Many _probable_ guesses then took place. "No!"
said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,--I bought them,
and paid for them!"


XX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."--"Yes,
father, I must confess you _allowed_ it; but then it was never paid."


XXI.--SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.

DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
gentleman of having been a warm admirer of _Calvinism_), and seeing the
parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
makes the man _greet_?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
if you were in his place, _and had as little to say_."--"Come along with
me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.


XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
"for, thank God, I was born before _nerves came into fashion_."


XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.

SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must _borrow_ it." Sheridan
was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.


XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.

GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
"it will do very well for the _next horse you sell_."


XXV.--WELL MATCHED.

DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the
baronet, "my expression alluded to the _size of your intellect_."--"And
my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the _size of yours_."


XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.

A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
the best rump I cannot _sell_ lower than tenpence halfpenny _a pound_."


XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.

THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, _because
he was hot_. "Bring me another," says his companion, "_because I am
cold_." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
"Here, boy, bring me a glass, _because I like it_."


XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.

A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
am _stone blind_ already."


XXIX.--A SYMBOL.

A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
of the saints, who are always painted with _the symbols_ of their
martyrdom."


XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.

IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a _match_; I think you
want the _brimstone_";--she replied, "No, not the _brimstone_, only the
_spark_."


XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.

A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a
_Christian_."


XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have
covered so many blunders of yours_!"


XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.

A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.
"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
you something to take away _all that_!"


XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.

SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a passion_."


XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.

IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."


XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.

A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
_mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."


XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.

SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll
_break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"


XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.

"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of
Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George,
"for I never _asked him a question_."


XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."

A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.


XL.--SOUND AND FURY.

A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is
the least disagreeable."


XLI.--COME OF AGE.

A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a
man at sixty!"


XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.

THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."


XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.

A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous,
another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for
horse-stealing."


XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her
ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladyship _the tobacco_."


XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.

BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town
but what thinks so."


XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.

A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."


XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.

A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, haec,
hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass."


XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.

DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"


XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.

FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the
bottle was passed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand
out the evening."


L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.

MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."


LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.

A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it,
doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass _higher
than her mouth_."


LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.

ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
you may _do it yourself_."


LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.

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