Awful Disclosures

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Beyond these, the space became broader; the doors evidently closed small
compartments, projecting from the outer wall of the cellar. I soon
stepped upon a wooden floor, on which were heaps of wool, coarse linen,
and other articles, apparently deposited there for occasional use. I
soon crossed the floor, and found the bare earth again under my feet.

A little farther on, I found the cellar again contracted in size, by a
row of closets, or smaller compartments projecting on each side. These
were closed by doors of a different description from the first, having a
simple fastening, and no opening through them. Just beyond, on the left
side, I passed a staircase leading up, and then three doors, much
resembling those first described, standing opposite three more, on the
other side of the cellar. Having passed these, I found the cellar
enlarged as before, and here the earth appeared as if mixed with some
whitish substance, which attracted my attention.

As I proceeded, I found the whiteness increase, until the surface looked
almost like snow, and in a short time I observed before me, a hole dug
so deep into the earth that I could perceive no bottom. I stopped to
observe it.--It was circular, perhaps twelve or fifteen feet across; in
the middle of the cellar, and unprotected by any kind of curb, so that
one might easily have walked into it, in the dark.

The white substance which I had observed, was spread all over the
surface around it; and lay in such quantities on all sides, that it
seemed as if a great deal of it must have been thrown into the hole. It
immediately occurred to me that the white substance was lime, and that
this must be the place where the infants were buried, after being
murdered, as the Superior had informed me. I knew that lime is often
used by Roman Catholics in burying-places; and in this way I accounted
for its being scattered about the spot in such quantities.

This was a shocking thought to me; but I can hardly tell how it affected
me, as I had already been prepared to expect dreadful things in the
Convent, and had undergone trials which prevented me from feeling as I
should formerly have done in similar circumstances.

I passed the spot, therefore, with distressing thoughts, it is true,
about the little corpses, which might be in that secret burying-place,
but with recollections also of the declarations which I had heard, about
the favor done their souls by sending them straight to heaven, and the
necessary virtue accompanying all the actions of the priests.

Whether I noticed them or not, at the time, there is a window or two on
each, nearly against the hole, in at which are sometimes thrown articles
brought to them from without, for the use of the Convent. Through the
windows on my right, which opens into the yard, towards the cross
street, lime is received from carts; and I then saw a large heap of it
near the place.

Passing the hole, I came to a spot where was another projection on each
side, with three cells like those I first described.--Beyond them, in
another broad part of the cellar, were heaps of vegetables, and other
things, on the right; and on the left I found the charcoal I was in
search of. This was placed in a heap against the wall, as I might then
have observed, near a small high window, like the rest, at which it is
thrown in. Beyond this spot, at a short distance, the cellar terminated.

The top quite to that point, is arched overhead, though at different
heights, for the earth on the bottom is uneven, and in some places
several feet higher than in others.

Not liking to be alone in so spacious and gloomy a part of the Convent,
especially after the discovery I had made, I hastened to fill my basket
with coal, and to return.

Here then I was, in a place which I had considered as the nearest
imitation of heaven to be found on earth, among a society where deeds
were constantly perpetrated, which I had believed to be most criminal,
and I had now found the place in which harmless infants were unfeelingly
thrown out of sight, after being murdered.

And yet, such is the power of instruction and example, although not
satisfied, as many around me seemed to be, that all was righteous and
proper, I sometimes was half inclined to believe it, for the priests
could do no sin, and this was done by priests.

Among the first instructions I received from the Superior, were such as
prepared me to admit priests into the nunnery from the street at
irregular hours. It is no secret, that priests enter and go out; but if
they were to be watched by any person in St. Paul's street all day long,
no irregularity might he suspected; and they might be supposed to visit
the Convent for the performance of religious ceremonies merely.

But if a person was near the gate at midnight, he might sometimes form a
different opinion; for when a stray priest is shut out of the Seminary,
or is otherwise put to the need of seeking a lodging, he is always sure
of being admitted to the black nunnery. Nobody but a priest or the
physician can ring the bell at the sick-room door; much less can any
others gain admittance. The pull of the bell is entirely concealed,
somewhere on the outside of the gate, I have been told.

He makes himself known as a priest by a peculiar kind of hissing sound,
made by the tongue against the teeth, while they are kept closed, and
the lips open. The nun within, who delays to open the door, until
informed what kind of an applicant is there, immediately recognizes the
signal, and replies with two inarticulate sounds, such as are often used
instead of yes, with the mouth closed.

The Superior seemed to consider this part of my instructions quite
important, and taught me the signals. I had often occasion to use them;
I have been repeatedly called to the door, in the night, while watching
in a sick room, and on reaching it, heard the short hissing sound I have
mentioned; then, according to my standing orders, unfastened the door,
admitted the priest, who was at liberty to go where he pleased. I will
name Mr. Bierze, from St. Denis.

The books used in the nunnery, at least such as I recollect of them,
were the following. Most of these are lecture books, or such as are used
by the daily readers, while we were at work, and meals. These were all
furnished by the Superior, out of her library, to which we never had
access. She was informed when we had done with one book, and then
exchanged it for such another as she pleased to select.

Le Miroir du Chretien (Christian Mirror), History of Rome, History of
the Church, Life of Soeur Bourgeoise, (the founder of the Convent), in
two volumes, L'Ange Conducteur (the Guardian Angel), L'Ange Chretien
(the Christian Angel), Les Vies des Saints (Lives of Saints), in several
volumes, Dialogues, a volume consisting of conversations between a
Protestant Doctor, called Dr. D. and a Catholic gentleman, on the
articles of faith, in which, after much ingenious reasoning, the former
was confuted. One large book, the name of which I have forgotten,
occupied us nine or ten months at our lectures, night and morning.
L'Instruction de la Jeunesse (the Instruction of Youth), containing much
about Convents, and the education of persons in the world, with a great
deal on confessions, &c. Examen de la Conscience, (Examination of
Conscience), is a book frequently used.

I may here remark, that I never saw a Bible in the Convent from the day
I entered as a novice, until that on which I effected my escape. The
Catholic New Testament, commonly called the Evangile, was read to us
about three or four times a year. The Superior directed the reader what
passage to select; but we never had it in our hands to read when we
pleased. I often heard the Protestant Bible spoken of in bitter terms,
as a most dangerous book, and one which never ought to be in the hands
of common people.

CHAPTER X.

Manufacture of Bread and Wax Candles carried on in the Convent--
Superstitions--Scapularies--Virgin Mary's pincushion--Her House--The
Bishop's power over fire--My Instructions to Novices--Jane Ray--
Vacillation of feelings.

Large quantities of bread are made in the Black Nunnery every week, for
besides what is necessary to feed the nuns, many of the poor are
supplied. When a priest wishes to give a loaf of bread to a poor person,
he gives him an order, which is presented at the Convent. The making of
bread is therefore one of the most laborious employments in the
Institution.

The manufacture of wax candles was another important branch of business
in the nunnery. It was carried on in a small room, on the first floor,
thence called the Ciergerie, or wax-room; _cierge_ being the French
word for a _wax candle_. I was sometimes sent to read the daily
lecture and catechism to the nuns employed there, but found it a very
unpleasant task, as the smell rising from the melted wax gave me a
sickness at the stomach. The employment was considered rather unhealthy,
and those were assigned to it who had the strongest constitutions. The
nuns who were more commonly employed in that room, were Sainte Marie,
Sainte Catharine, Sainte Charlotte, Sainte Francis, Sainte Hyacinthe,
Sainte Hypolite, and others. But with these, as with other persons in
the Convent, I was never allowed to speak, except under circumstances
before mentioned. I was sent to read, and was not allowed even to answer
the most trivial question, if one were asked me. Should a nun say, "what
o'clock is it?" I never should have dared to reply, but was required to
report her to the Superior.

Much stress was laid on the _sainte scapulaire_, or, holy
scapulary. This is a small band of cloth or silk, formed and wrought in
a peculiar manner, to be tied around the neck by two strings, fastened
to the ends. I have made many of them, having been sometimes set to make
them in the Convent. On one side is worked a kind of double cross,
(thus, XX) and on the other I. II. S., the meaning of which I do not
exactly know. Such a band is called a scapulary, and many miracles are
attributed to its power. Children on first receiving the communion are
often presented with scapularies, which they are taught to regard with
great reverence. We were told of the wonders effected by their means, in
the addresses made to us, by priests at catechism or lectures. I will
repeat one or two of the stories which occur to me.

A Roman Catholic servant woman, who had concealed some of her sins at
confession, acted so hypocritical a part as to make her mistress believe
her a _decote_, or a strict observer of her duty. She even imposed
upon her confessor, to such a degree, that he gave her a scapulary.
After he had given it, however, one of the saints in heaven informed him
in a vision, that the holy scapulary must not remain on the neck of so
great a sinner; and that it must be restored to the church. She lay down
that night with the scapulary round her throat, but in the morning was
found dead, with her head cut off, and the scapulary was discovered in
the church. The belief was, that the devil could not endure to have so
holy a thing on one of his servants, and had pulled so hard to get it
off, as to draw the silken thread with which it was tied, through her
neck; after which, by some divine power it was restored to the church.

Another story was as follows. A poor Roman Catholic was once taken
prisoner by the heretics. He had a _sainte scapulaire_ on his neck,
when God seeing him in the midst of his foes, took it from his neck by a
miracle, and held it up in the air above the throng of heretics; more
than one hundred of whom were converted, by seeing it thus
supernaturally suspended.

I had been informed by the Superior, on my first admission as a nun,
that there was a subterraneous passage, leading from the cellar of our
Convent into that of the Congregational Nunnery; but, though I had so
often visited the cellar, I had never seen it. One day, after I had been
received three or four months, I was sent to walk through it upon my
knees with another nun, as a penance. This, and other penances, were
sometimes put upon us by the priests, without any reason assigned. The
common way, indeed, was to tell us of the sin for which a penance was
imposed, but we were left many times to conjecture. Now and then the
priests would inform us at a subsequent confession, when he happened to
recollect something about it, as I thought, and not because he
reflected, or cared much about the subject.

The nun who was with me led me through the cellar, passing to the right
of the secret burying place, and showed me the door of the subterraneous
passage, which was at the extremity towards the Congregational Nunnery.
The reasons why I had not noticed it before, I presume, were that it was
made to shut close and even with the wall, and all that part of the
cellar was whitewashed. The door, which is of wood, and square, opens
with a latch into a passage, about four feet and a half high. We
immediately got upon our knees, commenced saying the prayers required,
and began to move slowly along the dark and narrow passage. It may be
fifty or sixty feet in length; when we reached the end, we opened a
door, and found ourselves in the cellar of the Congregational Nunnery,
at some distance from the outer wall; for the covered way is carried in
towards the middle of the cellar by two low partitions covered at the
top. By the side of the door, was placed a list of names of the Black
nuns, with a slide, that might be drawn over any of them. We covered our
names in this manner, as evidence of having performed the duty assigned
us; and then returned backwards on our knees, by the way we had come.
This penance I repeatedly performed afterwards; and by this way, as I
have occasion elsewhere to mention, nuns from the Congregational
Nunnery, sometimes entered our Convent for worse purposes.

We were frequently assured, that miracles are still performed; and pains
were taken to impress us deeply on this subject. The Superior often
spoke to us of the Virgin Mary's pincushion, the remains of which it is
pretended are preserved in the Convent, though it has crumbled quite to
dust. We regarded this relic with such veneration, that we were afraid
even to look at it, and we often heard the following story related, when
the subject was introduced.

A priest in Jerusalem once had a vision, in which he was informed that
the house in which the Virgin had lived, should be removed from its
foundations, and transported to a distance. He did not think the
communication was from God, and therefore disregarded it; but the house
was soon after missed, which convinced him that the vision was true, and
he told where the house might be found. A picture of the house is
preserved in the Nunnery, and was sometimes shown us. There are also wax
figures of Joseph sawing wood, and Jesus as a child, picking up the
chips. We were taught to sing a little song relating to this, the chorus
of which I remember.

"Saint Joseph charpentier,
Petit Jesus ramassait les copeaux
Pour fair bouillir la marmite."

St. Joseph was a carpenter, little Jesus collected chips to make the pot
boil.

I began to speak of miracles, and I recollect a story of one, about a
family in Italy saved from shipwreck by a priest, who were in
consequence converted and had two sons honoured with the priest's
office.

I had heard before I entered the Convent, about a great fire which
destroyed a number of houses in the Quebec suburbs, and which some said
the Bishop extinguished with holy water. I once heard a Catholic and a
Protestant disputing on this subject, and when I went to the
Congregational Nunnery, I sometimes heard the children, alluding to the
same story, say at an alarm of fire, "Is it a Catholic fire? Then why
does not the Bishop run?"

Among the topics on which the bishop addressed the nuns in the Convent
this was one. He told us the story one day, and said he could have
sooner interfered and stopped the flames, but that at last, finding they
were about to destroy too many Catholic houses, he threw holy water on
the fire, and extinguished it. I believed this, and also thought that he
was able to put out any fire, but that he never did it, except when
inspired.

The holy water which the Bishop had consecrated, was considered much
more efficacious, than any blessed by a common priest; and this it was
which was used in the Convent in sprinkling our beds. It had virtue in
it, to keep off any evil spirits.

Now that I was a nun, I was occasionally sent to read lectures to the
novices, as other nuns had been while I was a novice. There were but few
of us, who were thought capable of reading English well enough, and
therefore, I was more frequently sent than I might otherwise have been.
The Superior often said to me, as I was going among the novices:

"Try to convert them--save their souls--you know you will have a higher
place in heaven for every one you convert."

For whatever reason, Mad Jane Ray seemed to take great delight in
crossing and provoking the Superior and old nuns; and often she would
cause an interruption when it was most inconvenient and displeasing to
them. The preservation of silence was insisted upon most rigidly, and
penances of such a nature were imposed for breaking it, that it was a
constant source of uneasiness with me, to know that I might infringe the
rules in so many ways, and that inattention might at any moment subject
me to something very unpleasant. During the periods of meditation,
therefore, and those of lecture, work, and repose, I kept a strict guard
upon myself, to escape penances, as well as to avoid sin; and the
silence of the other nuns, convinced me that they were equally watchful,
and from the same motives.

My feelings, however, varied at different times, and so did those of
many, if not all my companions, excepting the older ones, who took their
turns in watching us. We sometimes felt disposed for gaiety, and threw
off all ideas that talking was sinful, even when forbidden by the rules
of the Convent. And even when I felt that I might perhaps be doing
wrong, I reflected that confession, and certainly penance, would soon
wipe off the guilt.

I may remark here, that I ere long found out several things, important
to be known, to a person living under such rules. One of these was, that
it was much better to confess to a priest, a sin committed against the
rules, because he would not require one of the penances I most disliked,
viz.: those which exposed of me to the observation of the nuns, or which
demanded self-debasement before them, like begging their pardon, kissing
the floor, or the Superior's feet, &c., and, besides, he as a confessor
was said to be bound to secrecy, and could not inform the Superior
against me. My conscience being as effectually unburthened by my
confession to the priest, as I had been taught to believe, I therefore
preferred not to tell my sins to any one else; and this course I found
was preferred by others for the same good reasons.

To Jane Ray, however, it sometimes appeared to be a matter of perfect
indifference, who knew her violations of rule, or to what penances she
exposed herself.

Often and often, while perfect silence prevailed among the nuns, at
meditation, or while nothing was to be heard except the voice of the
reader appointed for the day, no matter whose life or writings were
presented for our contemplations, Jane would break forth with some
remark or question, that would attract general attention, and often
cause a long and total interruption. Sometimes she would make some
harmless remark or inquiry aloud, as if through mere inadvertency, and
then her well-known voice, so strongly associated with every thing
singular and ridiculous, would arrest the attention of us all, and
generally incline us to smile, and even force us to laugh. The Superior
would then usually utter some hasty remonstrance, and many a time have I
heard her pronounce some penance upon her; but Jane had ever some
apology ready, or some reply calculated to irritate still farther, or to
prove to every one, that no punishment would be effectual on her.
Sometimes this singular woman would appear to be actuated by opposite
feelings and motives; for although she usually delighted in drawing
others into difficulty, and has thrown many a severe penance even upon
her greatest favourites; on other occasions she appeared totally
regardless of consequences herself, and preferred to take all the blame,
anxious only to shield others.

I have repeatedly known her to break silence in the community, as if she
had no object, or none beyond that of causing disturbance, or exciting a
smile, and as soon as it was noticed, exclaim: "Say it's me, say it's
me!"

Sometimes she would even expose herself to punishments in place of
another who was guilty; and thus I found it difficult fully to
understand her. In some cases she seemed decidedly out of her wits, as
the Superior and priests commonly preferred to represent her; but
generally I saw in her what prevented me from accounting her insane.

Among her most common tricks were such as these: She gave me the name of
the "Devout English Reader," because I was often appointed to make the
lecture to the English girls; and sometimes, after taking a seat near
me, under pretence of deafness, would whisper it in my hearing, because
she knew my want of self-command when excited to laughter. Thus she
often exposed me to penances for a breach of decorum, and set me to
biting my lips, to avoid laughing outright in the midst of a solemn
lecture. "Oh! you devout English Reader!" would sometimes come upon me
suddenly from her lips, with something in it so ludicrous that I had to
exert myself to the utmost to avoid observation.

This came so often at one time, that I grew uneasy, and told her I must
confess it, to unburden my conscience; I had not done so before, because
she would complain of me, for giving way to temptation.

Sometimes she would pass behind us as we stood at dinner ready to sit
down, and softly moving back our chairs, leave us to fall down upon the
floor. This she repeatedly has done; and While we were laughing
together, she would spring forward, kneel to the Superior, and beg her
pardon and a penance.

CHAPTER XI.

Alarming Order from the Superior--Proceed to execute it--Scene in an
upper Room--Sentence of Death, and Murder--My own distress--Reports made
to friends of St. Francis.

But I must now come to one deed, in which I had some part, and which I
look back upon with greater horror and pain, than any occurrences in the
Convent, in which I was not the principal sufferer. It is not necessary
for me to attempt to excuse myself in this or any other case. Those who
have any disposition to judge fairly, will exercise their own judgment
in making allowances for me, under the fear and force, the commands and
examples, around me. I, therefore, shall confine myself, as usual, to
the simple narrative of facts. The time was about five months after I
took the veil; the weather was cool, perhaps in September or October.
One day, the Superior sent for me and several other nuns, to receive her
commands at a particular room. We found the Bishop and some priests with
her; and speaking in an unusual tone of fierceness and authority, she
said, "Go to the room for the Examination of Conscience, and drag Saint
Francis up-stairs." Nothing more was necessary than this unusual
command, with the tone and manner which, accompanied it, to excite in me
most gloomy anticipation. It did not strike me as strange, that St.
Francis should be in the room to which the Superior directed us. It was
an apartment to which we were often sent to prepare for the communion,
and to which we voluntarily went, whenever we felt the compunctions
which our ignorance of duty, and the misinstructions we received,
inclined us to seek relief from self-reproach. Indeed, I had seen her
there a little before. What terrified me was, first, the Superior's
angry manner, second, the expression she used, being a French term,
whose [illegible] we had learnt in the Convent, and whose meaning is rather
softened when translated into _drag_; third, the place to which we
were directed to take the interesting young nun, and the persons
assembled there as I supposed to condemn her. My fears were such,
concerning the fate that awaited her, and my horror at the idea that she
was in some way to be sacrificed, that I would have given any thing to
be allowed to stay where I was. But I feared the consequence of
disobeying the Superior, and proceeded with the rest towards the room
for the examination of conscience.

The room to which we were to proceed from that, was in the second story,
and the place of many a scene of a shameful nature. It is sufficient for
me to say, after what I have said in other parts of this book, that
things had there occurred which made me regard the place with the
greatest disgust Saint Francis had appeared melancholy for some time. I
well knew that she had cause, for she had been repeatedly subject to
trials which I need not name--our common lot. When we reached the room
where we had been bidden to seek her, I entered the door, my companions
standing behind me, as the place was so small as hardly to hold five
persons at a time. The young nun was standing alone near the middle of
the room; she was probably about twenty, with light hair, blue eyes, and
a very fair complexion. I spoke to her in a compassionate voice, but at
the same time with such a decided manner, that she comprehended my full
meaning--

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