Awful Disclosures

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This wafer I had been taught to regard with the utmost veneration, as
the real body of Jesus Christ, the presence of which made the vows
uttered before it binding in the most solemn manner.

After taking the vows, I proceeded to a small apartment behind the
altar, accompanied by four nuns, where was a coffin prepared with my nun
name engraven upon it:

"SAINT EUSTACE."

My companions lifted it by four handles attached to it, while I threw
off my dress, and put on that of a nun of Soeur Bourgeoise; and then we
all returned to the chapel. I proceeded first, and was followed by the
four nuns; the Bishop naming a number of worldly pleasures in rapid
succession, in reply to which I as rapidly repeated--"Je renonce, je
renonce, je renonce"--[I renounce, I renounce, I renounce.]

The coffin was then placed in front of the altar, and I advanced to lay
myself in it. This coffin was to be deposited, after the ceremony, in an
outhouse, to be preserved until my death, when it was to receive my
corpse. There were reflections which I naturally made at the time, but I
stepped in, extended myself, and lay still. A pillow had been placed at
the head of the coffin, to support my head in a comfortable position. A
large, thick black cloth was then spread over me, and the chanting of
Latin hymns immediately commenced. My thoughts were not the most
pleasing during the time I lay in that situation. The pall, or Drap
Mortel, as the cloth is called, had a strong smell of incense, which was
always disagreeable to me, and then proved almost suffocating. I
recollected also a story I had heard of a novice, who, in taking the
veil, lay down in her coffin like me, and was covered in the same
manner, but on the removal of the covering was found dead.

When I was uncovered, I rose, stepped out of my coffin, and kneeled. The
Bishop then addressed these words to the Superior, "Take care and keep
pure and spotless this young virgin, whom Christ has consecrated to
himself this day." After which the music commenced, and here the whole
was finished. I then proceeded from the chapel, and returned to the
Superior's room, followed by the other nuns, who walked two by two, in
their customary manner, with their hands folded on their breasts, and
their eyes cast down upon the floor. The nun who was to be my companion
in future, then walked at the end of the procession. On reaching the
Superior's door, they all left me, and I entered alone, and found her
with the Bishop and two priests.

The Superior now informed me, that having taken the black veil, it only
remained that I should swear the three oaths customary on becoming a
nun; and that some explanations would be necessary from her. I was now,
she told me, to have access to every part of the edifice, even to the
cellar, where two of the sisters were imprisoned for causes which she
did not mention. I must be informed, that one of my great duties was, to
obey the priests in all things; and this I soon learnt, to my utter
astonishment and horror, was to live in the practice of criminal
intercourse with them. I expressed some of the feelings which this
announcement excited in me, which came upon me like a flash of
lightning, but the only effect was to set her arguing with me, in favor
of the crime, representing it as a virtue acceptable to God, and
honorable to me. The priests, she said, were not situated like other
men, being forbidden to marry; while they lived secluded, laborious, and
self-denying lives for our salvation. They might, indeed, be considered
our saviours, as without their services we could not obtain the pardon
of sin, and must go to hell. Now, it was our solemn duty, on withdrawing
from the world, to consecrate our lives to religion, to practice every
species of self-denial. We could not become too humble, nor mortify our
feelings too far; this was to be done by opposing them, and acting
contrary to them; and what she proposed was, therefore, pleasing in the
sight of God. I now felt how foolish I had been to place myself in the
power of such persons as were around me.

From what she said I could draw no other conclusion, but that I was
required to act like the most abandoned of beings, and that all my
future associates were habitually guilty of the most heinous and
detestable crimes. When I repeated my expressions of surprise and
horror, she told me that such feelings were very common at first, and
that many other nuns had expressed themselves as I did, who had long
since changed their minds. She even said, that on her entrance into the
nunnery, she had felt like me.

Doubts, she declared, were among our greatest enemies. They would lead
us to question every point of duty, and induce us to waver at every
step. They arose only from remaining imperfection, and were always
evidence of sin. Our only way was to dismiss them immediately, repent,
and confess them. They were deadly sins, and would condemn us to hell,
if we should die without confessing them. Priests, she insisted, could
not sin. It was a thing impossible. Everything that they did, and
wished, was of course right. She hoped I would see the reasonableness
and duty of the oaths I was to take, and be faithful to them.

She gave me another piece of information which excited other feelings in
me, scarcely less dreadful. Infants were sometimes born in the convent;
but they were always baptized and immediately strangled! This secured
their everlasting happiness; for the baptism purified them from all
sinfulness, and being sent out of the world before they had time to do
anything wrong, they were at once admitted into heaven. How happy, she
exclaimed, are those who secure immortal happiness to such little
beings! Their little souls would thank those who kill their bodies, if
they had it in their power!

Into what a place, and among what society, had I been admitted! How
differently did a Convent now appear from what I had supposed it to be!
The holy women I had always fancied the nuns to be, the venerable Lady
Superior, what were they? And the priests of the seminary adjoining,
some of whom indeed I had had reason to think were base and profligate
men, what were they all? I now learnt they were often admitted into the
nunnery, and allowed to indulge in the greatest crimes, which they and
others called virtues.

After having listened for some time to the Superior alone, a number of
the nuns were admitted, and took a free part in the conversation. They
concurred in everything which she had told me, and repeated, without any
signs of shame or compunction, things which criminated themselves. I
must acknowledge the truth, and declare that all this had an effect upon
my mind. I questioned whether I might not be in the wrong, and felt as
if their reasoning might have some just foundation. I had been several
years under the tuition of Catholics, and was ignorant of the
Scriptures, and unaccustomed to the society, example, and conversation
of Protestants; had not heard any appeal to the Bible as authority, but
had been taught, both by precept and example, to receive as truth
everything said by the priests. I had not heard their authority
questioned, nor anything said of any other standard of faith but their
declarations. I had long been familiar with the corrupt and licentious
expressions which some of them use at confessions, and believed that
other women were also. I had no standard of duty to refer to, and no
judgment of my own which I knew how to use, or thought of using.

All around me insisted that my doubts proved only my own ignorance and
sinfulness; that they knew by experience they would soon give place to
true knowledge, and an advance in religion; and I felt something like
indecision.

Still, there was so much that disgusted me in the discovery I had now
made, of the debased characters around me, that I would most gladly have
escaped from the nunnery, and never returned. But that was a thing not
to be thought of. I was in their power, and this I deeply felt, while I
thought there was not one among the whole number of nuns to whom I could
look for kindness. There was one, however, who began to speak to me at
length in a tone that gained something of my confidence,--the nun whom I
have mentioned before as distinguished by her oddity, Jane Ray, who made
us so much amusement when I was a novice. Although, as I have remarked,
there was nothing in her face, form, or manners, to give me any
pleasure, she addressed me with apparent friendliness; and while she
seemed to concur in some things spoken by them, took an opportunity to
whisper a few words in my ear, unheard by them, intimating that I had
better comply with everything the Superior desired, if I would save my
life. I was somewhat alarmed before, but I now became much more so, and
determined to make no further resistance. The Superior then made me
repeat the three oaths; and when I had sworn them, I was shown into one
of the community rooms, and remained some time with the nuns, who were
released from their usual employments, and enjoying a recreation day, on
account of the admission of a new sister. My feelings during the
remainder of that day, I shall not attempt to describe; but pass on to
mention the ceremonies which took place at dinner. This description may
give an idea of the manner in which we always took our meals, although
there were some points in which the breakfast and supper were different.

At 11 o'clock the bell rung for dinner, and the nuns all took their
places in a double row, in the same order as that in which they left the
chapel in the morning, except that my companion and myself were
stationed at the end of the line. Standing thus for a moment, with our
hands placed one on the other over the breast, and hidden in our large
cuffs, with our heads bent forward, and eyes fixed on the floor; an old
nun who stood at the door, clapped her hands as a signal for us to
proceed, and the procession moved on, while we all commenced the
repetition of litanies. We walked on in this order, repeating all the
way, until we reached the door of the dining-room, where we were divided
into two lines; those on the right passing down one side of the long
table, and those on the left the other, till all were in, and each
stopped in her place. The plates were all ranged, each with a knife,
fork, and spoon, rolled up in a napkin, and tied round with a linen band
marked with the owner's name. My own plate, knife, fork, &c., were
prepared like the rest, and on the band around them I found my new name
written:--"SAINT EUSTACE."

There we stood till all had concluded the litany; when the old nun who
had taken her place at the head of the table next the door, said the
prayer before meat, beginning "Benedicite," and we sat down. I do not
remember of what our dinner consisted, but we usually had soup and some
plain dish of meat, the remains of which were occasionally served up at
supper as a fricassee. One of the nuns who had been appointed to read
that day, rose and began to lecture from a book put into her hands by
the Superior, while the rest of us ate in perfect silence. The nun who
reads during dinner stays afterward to dine. As fast as we finished our
meals, each rolled up her knife, fork, and spoon in her napkin, and
bound them together with the band, and set with hands folded. The old
nun then said a short prayer, rose, stepped a little aside, clapped her
hands, and we marched towards the door, bowing as we passed before a
little chapel or glass box, containing a wax image of the infant Jesus.

Nothing important occurred until late in the afternoon, when, as I was
sitting in the community-room, Father Dufresne called me out, saying he
wished to speak with me. I feared what was his intention; but I dared
not disobey. In a private apartment, he treated me in a brutal manner;
and from two other priests I afterward received similar usage that
evening. Father Dufresne afterward appeared again; and I was compelled
to remain in company with him until morning.

I am assured that the conduct of the priests in our Convent has never
been exposed, and is not imagined by the people of the United States.
This induces me to say what I do, notwithstanding the strong reasons I
have to let it remain unknown. Still, I cannot force myself to speak on
such subjects except in the most brief manner.

CHAPTER VII.

Daily Ceremonies--Jane Ray among the Nuns.

On Thursday morning, the bell rung at half-past six to awaken us. The
old nun who was acting as night-watch immediately spoke aloud:

"Voici le Seigneur qui vient." (Behold the Lord cometh.) The nuns all
responded:

"Allons-y devant lui." (Let us go and meet him.)

We then rose immediately, and dressed as expeditiously as possible,
stepping into the passage-way at the foot of our beds as soon as we were
ready, and taking places each beside her opposite companion. Thus we
were soon drawn up in a double row the whole length of the room, with
our hands folded across our breasts, and concealed in the broad cuffs of
our sleeves. Not a word was uttered. When the signal was given, we all
proceeded to the community-room, which is spacious, and took our places
in rows facing the entranced, near which the Superior was seated in a
vergiere, or large chair.

We first repeated, "Au nom du Pere, du Fils, et du Saint Esprit--Ainsi
soit il." (In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost--
Amen.)

We then kneeled and kissed the floor; then, still on our knees, we said
a very long prayer, beginning: Divin Jesus, Sauveur de mon ame, (Divine
Jesus, Saviour of my soul). Then came the Lord's prayer, three Hail
Marys, four creeds, and five confessions (confesse a Dieu).

Next we repeated the ten commandments. Then we repeated the Acts of
Faith, and a prayer to the Virgin in Latin, (which, like every thing
else in Latin, I never understood a word of.) Next we said the litanies
of the holy name of Jesus, in Latin, which was afterward to be repeated
several times in the course of the day. Then came the prayer for the
beginning of the day; then bending down, we commenced the Orison Mental
(or Mental Orison), which lasted about an hour and a half.

This exercise was considered peculiarly solemn. We were told in the
nunnery that a certain saint was saved by the use of it, as he never
omitted it. It consists of several parts: First, the Superior read to us
a chapter from a book, which occupied five minutes. Then profound
silence prevailed for fifteen minutes, during which we were meditating
upon it. Then she read another chapter of equal length, on a different
subject and we meditated upon that another quarter of an hour; and after
a third reading and meditation, we finished the exercise with a prayer,
called an act of contrition, in which we asked forgiveness for the sins
committed during the Orison.

During this hour and a half I became very weary, having before been
kneeling for some time, and having then to sit in another position more
uncomfortable, with my feet under me, my hands clasped, and my body bent
humbly forward, with my head bowed down.

When the Orison was over, we all rose to the upright kneeling posture,
and repeated several prayers, and the litanies of the providences,
"providence de Dieu," &c.; then followed a number of Latin prayers,
which we repeated on the way to mass, for in the nunnery we had mass
daily.

When mass was over we proceeded in our usual order to the eating-room to
breakfast, practising the same forms which I have described at dinner.
Having made our meal in silence, we repeated the litanies of the "holy
name of Jesus" as we proceeded to the community-room; and such as had
not finished them on their arrival, threw themselves upon their knees,
and remained there until they had gone through with them, and then
kissing the floor, rose again.

At nine o'clock commenced the lecture, which was read by a nun appointed
to perform that duty that day; all the rest of us in the room being
engaged in work.

The nuns were at this time distributed in different community-rooms, at
different kinds of work, and in each were listening to a lecture. This
exercise continued until ten o'clock, when the recreation-bell rang. We
still continued our work, but the nuns began to converse with each
other, on subjects permitted by the rules in the hearing of the old
nuns, one of whom was seated in each of the groups.

At half-past ten the silence bell rang, and then conversation instantly
ceased, and the recitation of some Latin prayers commenced, which
continued half an hour.

At eleven o'clock the dinner-bell rang, and then we proceeded to the
dining-room, and went through the forms and ceremonies of the preceding
day. We proceeded two by two. The old nun who had the command of us,
clapped her hands as the first couple reached the door, when we stopped.
The first two dipped their fingers into the font, touched the holy water
to the breast, forehead, and each side, thus forming a cross, said, "In
the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Amen," and then walked on
to the dining-room, repeating the litanies. The rest followed their
example. On reaching the door the couples divided, and the two rows of
nuns marching up, stopped and faced the table against their plates.
There we stood, repeating the close of the litany aloud. The old nun
then pronounced

"BENEDICITE,"

and we sat down. One of our number began to read a lecture, which
continued during the whole meal: she stays to eat after the rest have
retired. When we had dined, each of us folded up her napkin, and again
folded her hands. The old nun then repeated a short prayer in French,
and stepping aside from the head of the table, let us pass out as we
came in. Each of us bowed in passing the little chapel near the door,
which is a glass case, containing a waxen figure of the infant Jesus.
When we reached the community-room we took our places in rows, and
kneeled upon the floor, while a nun read aloud, "Douleurs de notre
Sainte Marie" (the sorrows of our holy Mary.) At the end of each verse
we responded "Ave Maria." We then repeated again the litanies of the
Providences, and the

"BENIS," &c.

Then we kissed the floor, and rising, took our work, with leave to
converse on permitted subjects; that is what is called _recreation_
till one o'clock. We then began to repeat litanies, one at a time in
succession, still engaged at sewing, for an hour.

At two o'clock commenced the afternoon lectures, which lasted till near
three. At that hour one of the nuns stood up in the middle of the room,
and asked each of us a question out of the catechism; and such as were
unable to answer correctly, were obliged to kneel down, until that
exercise was concluded, upon as many dry peas as there were verses in
the chapter out of which they were questioned. This seems like a penance
of no great importance; but I have sometimes kneeled on peas until I
suffered great inconvenience, and even pain. It soon makes one feel as
if needles were running through the skin: whoever thinks it a trifle,
had better try it.

At four o'clock recreation commenced, when we were allowed, as usual, to
speak to each other, while at work.

At half-past four we began to repeat prayers in Latin, while we worked,
and concluded about five o'clock, when we commenced repeating the
"prayers for the examination of conscience," the "prayer after
confession," the "prayer before sacrament," and the "prayer after
sacrament." Thus we continued our work until dark, when we laid it
aside, and began to go over the same prayers which we had repeated in
the morning, with the exception of the orison mental; instead of that
long exercise, we examined our consciences, to determine whether we had
performed the resolution we had made in the morning; and such as had
kept it, repeated an "acte de joie," or expression of gratitude; while
such as had not, said an "acte de contrition."

When the prayers were concluded, any nun who had been disobedient in the
day, knelt and asked pardon of the Superior and her companions "for the
scandal she had caused them;" and then requested the Superior to give
her a penance to perform. When all the penances, had been imposed, we
all proceeded to the eating-room to supper, repeating litanies on the
way.

At supper the ceremonies were the same as at dinner, except that there
was no lecture read. We ate in silence, and went out bowing to the
chapelle, and repeating litanies. Returning to the community-room which
we had left, we had more prayers to repeat, which are called La
couronne, (crown,) which consists of the following parts:

1st, Four Paters,
2d, Four Ave Marias,
3d, Four Gloria Patris,
4th, Benis, &c.

At the close of these we kissed the floor; after which we had recreation
till half-past eight o'clock, being allowed to converse on permitted
subjects, but closely watched, and not allowed to sit in corners.

At half-past eight a bell was rung, and a chapter was read to us, in a
book of meditations, to employ our minds upon during our waking hours at
night.

Standing near the door, we dipped our fingers in the holy water, crossed
and blessed ourselves, and proceeded up to the sleeping-room, in the
usual order, two by two. When we had got into bed, we repeated a prayer
beginning with

"Mon Dieu, je vous donne mon coeur,"
"God, I give you my heart;"

and then an old nun, bringing some holy water, sprinkled it on our beds
to drive away the devil, while we took some and crossed ourselves again.

At nine o'clock the bell rung, and all who were awake repeated a prayer,
called the offrande; those who were asleep were considered as excused.

After my admission among the nuns, I had more opportunity than before,
to observe the conduct of mad Jane Ray. She behaved quite differently
from the rest, and with a degree of levity irreconcilable with the
rules. She was, as I have described her, a large woman, with nothing
beautiful or attractive in her face, form, or manners; careless in her
dress, and of a restless disposition, which prevented her from steadily
applying herself to any thing for any length of time, and kept her
roving about, and almost perpetually talking to somebody or other. It
would be very difficult to give an accurate description of this singular
woman; dressed in the plain garments of the nuns, bound by the same
vows, and accustomed to the same life, resembling them in nothing else,
and frequently interrupting all their employments. She was apparently
almost always studying or pursuing some odd fancy; now rising from
sewing, to walk up and down, or straying in from another apartment,
looking about, addressing some of us, and passing out again, or saying
something to make us laugh, in periods of the most profound silence. But
what showed that she was no novelty, was the little attention paid to
her, and the levity with which she was treated by the old nuns; even the
Superior every day passed over irregularities in this singular person,
which she would have punished with penances, or at least have met with
reprimands, in any other. From what I saw of her, I soon perceived that
she betrayed two distinct traits of character; a kind disposition
towards such as she chose to prefer, and a pleasure in teasing those she
disliked, or such as had offended her.

CHAPTER VIII.

Description of Apartments in the Black Nunnery, in order.--1st Floor--2d
Floor--The Founder--Superior's Management with the Friends of Novices
--Religious Lies--Criminality of Concealing Sins at Confession.

I will now give from memory, a general description of the interior of the
Convent of Black nuns, except the few apartments which I never saw. I
may be inaccurate in some things, as the apartments and passages of that
spacious building are numerous and various; but I am willing to risk my
credit for truth and sincerity on the general correspondence between my
description and things as they are. And this would, perhaps be as good a
case as any by which to test the truth of my statements, were it
possible to obtain access to the interior. It is well known, that none
but veiled nuns, the bishop, and priests, are ever admitted; and, of
course, that I cannot have seen what I profess to describe, if I have
not been a Black nun. [Footnote: I ought to have made an exception here,
which I may enlarge upon in future Certain other persons are sometimes
admitted.] The priests who read this book, will acknowledge to
themselves the truth of my description; but will, of course deny it to
the world, and probably exert themselves to destroy or discredit, I
offer to every reader the following description, knowing that time may
possibly throw open those secret recesses, and allow the entrance of
those who can satisfy themselves, with their own eyes, of its truth.
Some of my declarations may be thought deficient in evidence; and this
they must of necessity be in the present state of things. But here is a
kind of evidence on which I rely, as I see how unquestionable and
satisfactory it must prove, whenever it shall be obtained.

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