Awful Disclosures

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The novices had access to only eight of the apartments of the Convent;
and whatever else we wished to know, we could only conjecture. The
sleeping room was in the second story, at the end of the western wing.
The beds were placed in rows, without curtains or anything else to
obstruct the view; and in one corner was a small room partitioned off,
in which was the bed of the night-watch, that is, the old nun that was
appointed to oversee us for the night. In each side of the partition
were two holes, through which she could look out upon us whenever she
pleased. Her bed was a little raised above the level of the others.
There was a lamp hung in the middle of our chamber which showed every
thing to her distinctly; and as she had no light in her little room, we
never could perceive whether she was awake or asleep. As we knew that
the slightest deviation from the rules would expose us to her
observation, as well as to that of our companions, in whom it was a
virtue to betray one another's faults, as well as to confess our own, I
felt myself under a continual exposure to suffer what I disliked, and
had my mind occupied in thinking of what I was to do next, and what I
must avoid.

I soon learned the rules and ceremonies we had to regard, which were
many; and we had to be very particular in their observance. We were
employed in different kinds of work while I was a novice. The most
beautiful specimen of the nuns' manufacture which I saw was a rich
carpet made of fine worsted, which had been begun before my acquaintance
with the Convent, and was finished while I was there. This was sent as a
present to the King of England, as an expression of gratitude for the
money annually received from the government. It was about forty yards in
length, and very handsome. We were ignorant of the amount of money thus
received. The Convent of Grey Nuns has also received funds from the
government, though on some account or other, had not for several years.

I was sitting by a window at one time, with a girl named Jane M'Coy,
when one of the old nuns cams up and spoke to us in a tone of liveliness
and kindness which seemed strange, in a place where everything seemed so
cold and reserved. Some remark which she made was evidently intended to
cheer and encourage me, and made me think that she felt some interest in
me. I do not recollect what she said, but I remember it gave me
pleasure. I also remember that her manner struck me singularly. She was
rather old for a nun, that is, probably thirty; her figure large, her
face wrinkled, and her dress careless. She seemed also to be under less
restraint than the others, and this, I afterward found, was the case.
She sometimes even set the rules at defiance. She would speak aloud when
silence was required, and sometimes walk about when she ought to have
kept her place: she would even say and do things on purpose to make us
laugh; and although often blamed for her conduct, had her offences
frequently passed over, when others would have been punished with
penances.

I learnt that this woman had always been singular. She never would
consent to take a saint's name on receiving the veil, and had always
been known by her own, which was Jane Ray. Her irregularities were found
to be numerous, and penances were of so little use in governing her,
that she was pitied by some, who thought her partially insane. She was,
therefore, commonly spoken of as mad Jane Ray; and when she committed a
fault, it was often apologized for by the Superior or other nuns, on the
ground that she did not know what she did.

The occupations of a novice in the Black Nunnery are not such as some of
my readers may suppose. They are not employed in studying the higher
branches of education; they are not offered any advantages for storing
their mind, or polishing their manners; they are not taught even
reading, writing, or arithmetic; much less any of the more advanced
branches of knowledge. My time was chiefly employed, at first, in work
and prayers. It is true, during the last year I studied a great deal,
and was required to work but very little; but it was the study of
prayers in French and Latin, which I had merely to commit to memory, to
prepare for the easy repetition of them on my reception, and after I
should be admitted as a nun.

Among the wonderful events which had happened in the Convent, that of
the sudden conversion of a gay young lady of the city into a nun,
appeared to me one of the most remarkable. The story which I first
heard, while a novice, made a deep impression upon my mind. It was
nearly as follows:

The daughter of a wealthy citizen of Montreal was passing the church of
Bon Secours, one evening, on her way to a ball, when she was suddenly
thrown down upon the steps or near the door, and received a severe
shock. She was taken up, and removed first, I think, into the church,
but soon into the Black Nunnery, which she soon determined to join as a
nun; instead, however, of being required to pass through a long
novitiate (which usually occupies about two years and a-half, and is
abridged only where the character is peculiarly exemplary and devout),
she was permitted to take the veil without delay; being declared by God
to a priest to be in a state of sanctity. The meaning of this expression
is, that she was a real saint, and already in a great measure raised
above the world and its influences, and incapable of sinning, possessing
the power of intercession, and being a proper object to be addressed in
prayer. This remarkable individual, I was further informed, was still in
the Convent, though I never was allowed to see her; she did not mingle
with the other nuns, either at work, worship, or meals; for she had no
need of food, and not only her soul, but her body, was in heaven a great
part of her time. What added, if possible, to the reverence and
mysterious awe with which I thought of her, was the fact I learned, that
she had no name. The titles used in speaking of her were, the holy
saint, reverend mother, or saint bon pasteur (the holy good shepherd).

It is wonderful that we could have carried our reverence for the
Superior as far as we did, although it was the direct tendency of many
instructions and regulations, indeed of the whole system, to permit,
even to foster a superstitious regard for her.

One of us was occasionally called into her room, to cut her nails or
dress her hair; and we would often collect the clippings, and distribute
them to each other, or preserve them with the utmost care. I once picked
up all the stray hairs I could find, after combing her head, bound them
together, and kept them for some time, until she told me I was not
worthy to possess things so sacred. Jane McCoy and I were once sent to
alter a dress for the Superior. I gathered up all the bits of thread,
made a little bag, and put them into it for safe preservation. This I
wore a long time around my neck, so long, indeed, that I wore out a
number of strings, which, I remember, I replace with new ones. I
believed it to possess the power of removing pain, and often prayed to
it to cure the tooth-ache, &c. Jane Ray sometimes professed to outgo us
all in devotion to the Superior, and would pick up the feathers after
making her bed. These she would distributed among us, saying, "When the
Superior dies, reliques will begin to grow scarce, and you had better
supply yourselves in season." Then she would treat the whole matter in
some way to turn it into ridicule. Equally contradictory would she
appear, when occasionally she would obtain leave from the Superior to
tell her dreams. With a serious face, which sometimes imposed upon all
of us, and made us half believe she was in a perfect state of sanctity,
she would narrate in French some unaccountable vision which she said she
had enjoyed. Then turning round, would say, "There are some who do not
understand me; you all ought to be informed." And then she would say
something totally different in English, which put us to the greatest
agony for fear of laughing. Sometimes she would say that she expected to
be Superior herself, one of these days, and other things which I have
not room to repeat.

While I was in the Congregational Nunnery, I had gone to the parish
church whenever I was to confess; for although the nuns had a private
confession-room in the building, the boarders were taken in parties
through the streets on different days by some of the nuns, to confess in
the church; but in the Black Nunnery, as we had a chapel and priests
attending in the confessionals, we never left the building.

Our confessions there as novices, were always performed in one way, so
that it may be sufficient to describe a single case. Those of us who
were to confess at a particular time, took our places on our knees near
the confessional-box, and after having repeated a number of prayers,
&c., prescribed in our books, came up one at a time and kneeled beside a
fine wooden lattice-work, which entirely separated the confessor from
us, yet permitted us to place our faces almost to his ear, and nearly
concealed his countenance from view, even when so near. I recollect how
the priests used to recline their heads on one side, and often covered
their faces with their handkerchiefs, while they heard me confess my
sins, and put questions to me, which were often of the most improper and
even revolting nature, naming crimes both unthought of and inhuman.
Still, strange as it may seem, I was persuaded to believe that all this
was their duty, or at least that it was done without sin.

Veiled nuns would often appear in the chapel at confession; though, as I
understood, they generally confessed in private. Of the plan of their
confession-rooms I had no information; but I supposed the ceremony to be
conducted much on the same plan as in the chapel and in the church, viz.
with a lattice interposed between the confessor and the confessing.

Punishments were sometimes resorted to, while I was a novice, though but
seldom. The first time I ever saw a gag, was one day when a young novice
had done something to offend the Superior. This girl I always had
compassion for; because she was very young, and an orphan. The Superior
sent for a gag, and expressed her regret at being compelled, by the bad
conduct of the child, to proceed to such a punishment; after which she
put it into her mouth, so far as to keep it open, and then let it remain
some time before she took it out. There was a leathern strap fastened to
each end, and buckled to the back part of the head.

CHAPTER IV.

Displeased with the Convent--Left it--Residence at St. Denis--Reliques--
Marriage--Return to the Black Nunnery--Objections made by some Novices--
Ideas of the Bible.

After I had been in the nunneries four or five years, from the time I
commenced school at the Congregational Convent, one day I was treated by
one of the nuns in a manner which displeased me, and because I expressed
some resentment, was required to beg her pardon. Not being satisfied
with this, although I complied with the command, nor with the coolness
with which the Superior treated me, I determined to quit the Convent at
once, which I did without asking leave. There would have been no
obstacle to my departure, I presume, novice as I then was, if I had
asked permission; but I was too much displeased to wait for that, and
went home without speaking to any one on the subject.

I soon after visited the town of St. Denis, where I saw two young ladies
with whom I had formerly been acquainted in Montreal, and one of them a
former schoolmate at Mr. Workman's school. After some conversation with
me, and learning that I had known a lady who kept school in the place,
they advised me to apply to her to be employed as her assistant teacher;
for she was then instructing the government school in that place. I
visited her, and found her willing, and I engaged at once as her
assistant.

The government society paid her 20_l_: a-year: she was obliged to
teach ten children gratuitously; might receive fifteen pence a month
(about a quarter of a dollar), for each of ten scholars more; and then
she was at liberty, according to the regulations, to demand as much as
she pleased for the other pupils. The course of instruction, as required
by the society, embraced only reading, writing, and what was called
ciphering, though I think improperly. The only books used were a
spelling-book, l'Instruction de la Jeunesse, the Catholic New Testament,
and l'Histoire de Canada. When these had been read through, in regular
succession, the children were dismissed as having completed their
education. No difficulty is found in making the common French Canadians
content with such an amount of instruction as this; on the contrary, it
is often very hard indeed to prevail upon them to send their children at
all, for they say it takes too much of the love of God from them to sent
them to school. The teacher strictly complied with the requisitions of
the society in whose employment she was, and the Roman Catholic
catechism was regularly taught in the school, as much from choice as
from submission to authority, as she was a strict Catholic. I had
brought with me the little bag I have before mentioned, in which I had
so long kept the clippings of the thread left after making a dress for
the Superior. Such was my regard for it, that I continued to wear it
constantly round my neck, and to feel the same reverence for its
supposed virtues as before. I occasionally had the toothache during my
stay at St. Denis, and then always relied on the influence of my little
bag. On such occasions I would say--

"By the virtue of this bag, may I be delivered from the toothache;" and
I supposed that when it ceased, it was owing to that cause.

While engaged in this manner, I became acquainted with a man who soon
proposed marriage; and young and ignorant of the world as I was, I heard
his offers with favour. On consulting with my friend, she expressed an
interest for me, advised me against taking such a step, and especially
as I knew little about the man, except that a report was circulated
unfavorable to his character. Unfortunately, I was not wise enough to
listen to her advice, and hastily married. In a few weeks, I had
occasion to repent of the step I had taken, as the report proved true--a
report which I thought justified, and indeed required, our separation.
After I had been in St. Denis about three months, finding myself thus
situated, and not knowing what else to do, I determined to return to the
Convent, and pursue my former intention of becoming a Black nun, could I
gain admittance. Knowing the many inquiries that the Superior would make
relative to me, during my absence before leaving St. Denis, I agreed
with the lady with whom I had been associated as a teacher (when she
went to Montreal, which she did very frequently), to say to the Lady
Superior that I had been under her protection during my absence, which
would satisfy her, and stop further inquiry; as I was sensible, that,
should they know I had been married, I should not gain admittance.

I soon returned to Montreal, and on reaching the city, I visited the
Seminary, and in another interview with the Superior of it, communicated
my wish, and desired him to procure my re-admission as a novice. Little
delay occurred.

After leaving me for a short time, he returned, and told me that the
Superior of the Convent had consented, and I was soon introduced into
her presence. She blamed me for my conduct in leaving the nunnery, but
told me that I ought to be ever grateful to my guardian angel for taking
care of me, and bringing me in safety back to that retreat. I requested
that I might be secured against the reproaches and ridicule of all the
novices and nuns, which I thought some might be disposed to cast upon me
unless prohibited by the Superior; and this she promised me. The money
usually required for the admission of novices had not been expected from
me. I had been admitted the first time without any such requisition; but
now I chose to pay it for my re-admission. I knew that she was able to
dispense with such a demand as well in this as the former case, and she
knew that I was not in possession of any thing like the sum required.

But I was bent on paying to the Nunnery, and accustomed to receive the
doctrine often repeated to me before that time, that when the advantage
of the church was consulted, the steps taken were justifiable, let them
be what they would, I therefore resolved to obtain money on false
pretences, confident that if all were known, I should be far from
displeasing the Superior. I went to the brigade major, and asked him to
give me the money payable to my mother from her pension, which amounted
to about thirty dollars, and without questioning my authority to receive
it in her name, he gave it me.

From several of her friends I obtained small sums under the name of
loans, so that altogether I had soon raised a number of pounds, with
which I hastened to the nunnery, and deposited a part in the hands of
the Superior. She received the money with evident satisfaction, though
she must have known that I could not have obtained it honestly; and I
was at once re-admitted as a novice.

Much to my gratification, not a word fell from the lips of any of my old
associates in relation to my unceremonious departure, nor my voluntary
return. The Superior's orders, I had not a doubt, had been explicitly
laid down, and they certainly were carefully obeyed, for I never heard
an allusion made to that subject during my subsequent stay in the
Convent, except that, when alone, the Superior would herself sometimes
say a little about it.

There were numbers of young ladies who entered awhile as novices, and
became weary or disgusted with some things they observed, and remained
but a short time. One of my cousins, who lived at Lachine, named Reed,
spent about a fortnight in the Convent with me. She, however, conceived
such an antipathy against the priests, that she used expressions which
offended the Superior.

The first day she attended mass, while at dinner with us in full
community, she said before us all: "What a rascal that priest was, to
preach against his best friend!"

All stared at such an unusual exclamation, and some one inquired what
she meant.

"I say," she continued, "he has been preaching against him who gives him
his bread. Do you suppose that if there were no devil, there would be
any priests?"

This bold young novice was immediately dismissed: and in the afternoon
we had a long sermon from the Superior on the subject.

It happened that I one day got a leaf of an English Bible, which had
been brought into the Convent, wrapped round some sewing silk, purchased
at a store in the city. For some reason or other, I determined to commit
to memory a chapter it contained, which I soon did. It is the only
chapter I ever learnt in the Bible, and I can now repeat it. It is the
second of St. Matthew's gospel, "Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of
Judea," &c.

It happened that I was observed reading the paper, and when the nature
of it was discovered, I was condemned to do penance for my offence.

Great dislike to the Bible was shown by those who conversed with me
about it, and several have remarked to me, at different times, that if
it were not for that book, Catholics would never be led to renounce
their own faith.

I heard passages read from the Evangile, relating to the death of
Christ; the conversion of Paul; a few chapters from St. Matthew, and
perhaps a few others. The priest would also sometimes take a verse or
two, and preach from it. I read St. Peter's Life, but only in the book
called the "Lives of the Saints." He, I understand, has the keys of
heaven and hell, and has founded our church. As for St. Paul, I
remember, as I was taught to understand it, that he was once a great
persecutor of the Roman _Catholics_, until he became convicted, and
confessed to one of the _father confessors_, I don't know which.
For who can expect to be forgiven who does not become a Catholic, and
confess?

CHAPTER V.

Received Confirmation--Painful Feelings--Specimen of Instruction
received on the Subject.

The day on which I received confirmation was a distressing one to me. I
believed the doctrine of the Roman Catholics, and according to them I
was guilty of three mortal sins; concealing something at confession,
sacrilege, in putting the body of Christ in the sacrament under my feet,
and receiving it while not in a state of grace; and now, I had been led
into all those sins in consequence of my marriage, which I never had
acknowledged, as it would cut me off from being admitted as a nun.

On the day, therefore, when I went to the church to be confirmed, with a
number of others, I suffered extremely from the reproaches of my
conscience. I knew, at least I believed, as I had been told, that a
person who had been anointed with the holy oil of confirmation on the
forehead, and dying in the state in which I was, would go down to hell,
and in the place where the oil had been rubbed, the names of my sins
would blaze out on my forehead; these would be a sign by which the
devils would know me; and they would torment me the worse for them. I
was thinking of all this, while I sat in the pew, waiting to receive the
oil. I felt, however, some consolation, as I often did afterward when my
sins came to mind; and this consolation I derived from another doctrine
of the same church: viz. that a bishop could absolve me from all these
sins any minute before my death; and I intended to confess them all to a
bishop before leaving the world. At length, the moment for administering
the "sacrament" arrived, and a bell was rung. Those who had come to be
confirmed had brought tickets from their confessors, and these were
thrown into a hat, carried around by a priest who in turn handed each to
the bishop, by which he learnt the name of each of us, and applied a
little of the oil to our foreheads. This was immediately rubbed off by a
priest with a bit of cloth, quite roughly.

I went home with some qualms of conscience, and often thought with dread
of the following tale, which I have heard told to illustrate the
sinfulness of conduct like mine.

A priest was once travelling, when, just as he was passing by a house,
his horse fell on his knees, and would not rise. His rider dismounted,
and went in to learn the cause of so extraordinary an occurrence. He
found there a woman near death, to whom a priest was trying to
administer the sacrament, but without success; for every, time she
attempted to swallow it, it was thrown back out of her mouth into the
chalice. He perceived it was owing to unconfessed sin, and took away the
holy wafer from her: on which his horse rose from his knees, and he
pursued his journey.

I often remembered also that I had been told, that we shall have as many
devils biting us, if we go to hell, as we have unconfessed sins on our
consciences.

I was required to devote myself for about a year, to the study of the
prayers and the practice of the ceremonies necessary on the reception of
a nun. This I found a very tedious duty; but as I was released in a
great degree from the daily labors usually demanded of novices, I felt
little disposition to complain.

CHAPTER VI.

Taking the Veil--Interview afterward with the Superior--Surprise and
horror at her Disclosure--Resolution to Submit.

I was introduced into the Superior's room on the evening preceding the
day on which I was to take the veil, to have an interview with the
Bishop. The Superior was present, and the interview lasted about half an
hour. The Bishop on this as on other occasions appeared to me habitually
rough in his manners. His address was by no means prepossessing.

Before I took the veil, I was ornamented for the ceremony, and was
clothed in a rich dress belonging to the Convent, which was used on such
occasions; and placed not far from the altar in the chapel, in the view
of a number of spectators who had assembled, perhaps about forty. Taking
the veil is an affair which occurs so frequently in Montreal, that it
has long ceased to be regarded as a novelty; and, although notice had
been given in the French parish church as usual, only a small audience
had assembled, as I have mentioned.

Being well prepared with a long training, and frequent rehearsals, for
what I was to perform, I stood waiting in my large flowing dress for the
appearance of the Bishop. He soon presented himself, entering by the
door behind the altar; I then threw myself at his feet, and asked him to
confer upon me the veil. He expressed his consent, and threw it over my
head, saying, "Receive the veil, O thou spouse of Jesus Christ;" and
then turning to the Superior, I threw myself prostrate at her feet,
according to my instructions, repeating what I had before done at
rehearsals, and made a movement as if to kiss her feet. This she
prevented, or appeared to prevent, catching me by a sudden motion of her
hand, and granted my request. I then kneeled before the Holy Sacrament,
that is, a very large round wafer held by the Bishop between his fore-
finger and thumb, and made my vows.

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