Marie Claire

M >> Marguerite Audoux >> Marie Claire

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Next week all the girls who were eight years old went down to the big
dormitory. I had a bed near the window, quite close to Sister
Marie-Aimee's room. Marie Renaud and Ismerie again had their beds on
each side of me. When we were in bed Sister Marie-Aimee often used to
come and sit by me. She would take one of my hands and pat it, and
look out of the window. One night there was a big fire in the
neighbourhood, and the whole dormitory was lit up. Sister Marie-Aimee
opened the window wide, shook me, and said, "Wake up, come and see the
fire." She took me in her arms, passed her hands over my face to wake
me, and said again, "Come and see the fire; see how beautiful it is."
I was so sleepy that my head fell on her shoulder. Then she boxed my
ears, and called me a little silly, and I woke up and began to cry.
She took me in her arms again, sat down, and rocked me, holding me
close to her. She bent her head forward towards the window. Her face
looked transparent, and her eyes were full of light. Ismerie hated
Sister Marie-Aimee to come to the window. It prevented her from
talking, and she always had something to say. Her voice was so loud
that one heard it at the other end of the dormitory. Sister
Marie-Aimee used to say, "There's Ismerie talking again;" and Ismerie
used to answer, "There's Sister Marie-Aimee scolding again." Her
daring frightened me, but Sister Marie-Aimee used to pretend not to
hear her. But one day she said, "I forbid you to answer me, little
dwarf." Ismerie answered, "No-sums." This was a word which we had
made up ourselves. It meant, "Look at my nose and see if I care."
Sister Marie-Aimee reached for a cane. I was dreadfully afraid she was
going to whip Ismerie. But Ismerie threw herself down flat on her
stomach and wriggled about and made funny noises. Sister Marie-Aimee
pushed her away with her foot, threw the cane away, and said, "Oh, you
horrible little thing!" Afterwards I noticed that she used to avoid
looking at her, and never seemed to hear the rude things she said. But
she forbade us to carry her about on our backs.

That never prevented Ismerie from climbing on to mine like a monkey. I
hadn't the courage to push her away, and I used to stoop down a little
to let her get well up. She always wanted to ride when we went up to
the dormitory. It was very hard for her to get up the stairs. She
used to laugh about it herself, saying that she hopped up like an old
hen going to roost. As Sister Marie-Aimee always went upstairs first,
I used to wait and go up among the last girls. But sometimes Sister
Marie-Aimee would turn round suddenly. Then Ismerie slipped down my
body to the ground with wonderful quickness and skill. I always felt a
little bit awkward when I caught Sister Marie-Aimee's eye, and Ismerie
always said, "See what a fool you are. You were caught again." Marie
Renaud would never let her climb up on to her back. She used to say
that she wore her dress out and made it dirty.

Esmerie was a little chatterbox, but Marie Renaud hardly ever talked at
all. Every morning she used to help me to make my bed. She would pass
her hands over the sheets to smooth them out, and always refused my
help in making her bed, because she said I rolled the sheets all kinds
of ways. I never could understand why her bed was so smooth when she
got up. One day she told me that she pinned her sheets and her
blankets to the mattress. She had all kinds of little hiding-places
full of all kinds of things. At table she always used to eat some of
yesterday's dessert. The dessert of the day went into her pocket. She
used to finger it there, and would munch a little bit of it from time
to time. I often found her sitting in corners making lace with a pin.
Her great pleasure was brushing, folding, and putting things in order.
That was why my shoes were always well brushed and my Sunday dress
carefully folded. But one day a new servant came, whose name was
Madeleine. She soon found out that I did not take care of my own
things. She got excited, and said I was a great big lazy girl, and
that I made other people wait on me as though I were a countess. She
said it was a shame to make poor little Marie Renaud work. Bonne Neron
agreed with her, and said I was puffed up with pride, that I thought I
was better than anybody else, that I never did anything like other
girls. They both said, together, that they had never seen a girl like
me, and both of them leaned over me and shouted at me together. They
made me think of two noisy fairies, a black one and a white one.
Madeleine was fresh and fair, with full, open lips, and teeth which
were wide apart. Her tongue was broad and thick, and moved about into
the corners of her mouth when she talked. Bonne Neron raised her hand
to me, and said, "Drop your eyes this minute!" As they went away, I
heard her say to Madeleine: "She makes you ashamed of yourself when she
looks at you like that." I had known for a long time that Bonne Neron
looked like a bull, but I could not find out what animal Madeleine was
like. I thought it over for several days, thinking of all the animals
I knew, and at last I gave it up. She was fat, and her hips swayed
when she walked. She had a piercing voice, which surprised everybody.
She asked leave to sing in church, but as she did not know the hymns.
Sister Marie-Aimee told me to teach her. After that Marie Renaud was
allowed to brush and smooth out my things without anybody taking any
notice of it. She was so pleased that she gave me a safety-pin as a
present, so as to fasten up my handkerchief, which I was always losing.
Two days later I lost both the safety-pin and the handkerchief. Oh,
that handkerchief! It was a perfect nightmare! I used to lose one
regularly every week. Sister Marie-Aimee gave us a clean
pocket-handkerchief in return for the dirty one which we had to throw
down on to the ground in front of her. I never thought of mine till
the last moment. And then I turned out all my pockets, I ran about
like a mad thing into the dormitory, up and down the passages, and up
to the garret hunting for it everywhere. Oh dear, oh dear! if I could
only find a handkerchief somewhere! As I passed in front of the
picture of the Virgin, I would put my hands together and pray
fervently, "Admirable Mother, make me find a handkerchief." But I
never did find one, and I went downstairs again red in the face, out of
breath, feeling dreadfully unhappy, and not daring to take the clean
handkerchief which Sister Marie-Aimee handed to me. Before she spoke,
I could hear the scolding which I knew I deserved. And even when
Sister Marie-Aimee said nothing at all, I could see her frown, and her
eyes looked crossly at me and followed me about. I felt crushed with
shame, so crushed that I could scarcely lift my feet. I tried to hide
in the corners as I walked; and, in spite of it all, next time I had
lost my handkerchief again. Madeleine used to look at me with sham
compassion. But she could not always prevent herself from telling me
that I deserved to be punished severely. She seemed very fond of
Sister Marie-Aimee. She waited on her always, and she would burst into
tears at her slightest word. Then Sister Marie-Aimee had to soothe her
by patting her cheeks, and she would laugh and cry at the same time,
and move her shoulders about, showing her white neck. Bonne Neron used
to say that she looked like a cat.

Bonne Neron left one day after a scene in the middle of luncheon. It
happened during a dead silence. All of a sudden she shouted out, "Yes;
I want to go, and I am going!" Sister Marie-Aimee looked at her in
astonishment, and Bonne Neron faced her, putting her head down, shaking
it, butting at her almost, and shouting all the time that she would not
be ordered about by a bit of a baby. She walked backwards as she
shouted, got to the door, and pulled it open. Before she went out of
the room she threw one of her long arms out at Sister Marie-Aimee, and
shrieked, "She isn't even twenty-five!" Some of the little girls were
frightened, others burst out laughing. Madeleine got quite hysterical.
She threw herself on to the floor at Sister Marie-Aimee's knees,
kissing her dress, and winding her arms round her legs. She got hold
of her two hands and mumbled over them with her big, moist mouth,
screaming all the time as though some terrible catastrophe had
happened. Sister Marie-Aimee could not shake her off. At last she got
angry. Then Madeleine fainted, and fell on her back. As she was
undoing her Sister Marie-Aimee made a sign towards the part of the room
where I was. I thought she wanted me, and ran to her; but she sent me
back again, "No; not you. Marie Renaud," she said. She gave her keys
to Marie, and, although she had never been in Sister Marie-Aimee's
room, she found the bottle of salts which Sister Marie-Aimee wanted
without any loss of time.

Madeleine soon got better, and took Bonne Neron's place. She got more
authority over us. She was still timid and submissive to Sister
Marie-Aimee, but she made up for that by shouting at us, for any reason
and no reason, that she was "there to look after us," and was "not our
servant." The day she fainted I had seen her neck. I had never dreamt
of anything so beautiful. But she was a stupid girl, and I never
minded what she said to me. That used to make her very angry. She
used to say all kinds of rude things to me, and always finished up by
calling me "Miss Princess." She could not forgive me for Sister
Marie-Aimee's affection for me, and whenever she saw the Sister kissing
me she got quite red with anger.

I began to grow, and my health was pretty good. Sister Marie-Aimee
said that she was proud of me. She used to squeeze me so tight when
she kissed me that she sometimes hurt me. Then she would say, putting
her fingers on my forehead, "My little girl; my little child." During
recreation I often used to sit near her, and listen to her reading.
She read in a deep voice, and when the people in the book displeased
her more than usual, she used to shut it up angrily, and come and play
games with us.

She wanted me to be quite faultless. She would say: "I want you to be
perfect. Do you hear, child? Perfect." One day she thought I had
told a lie. There were three cows which used to graze on some land in
the middle of which was a great big chestnut tree. The white cow was
wicked, and we were afraid of it, because it had knocked a little girl
down once. That day I saw the two red cows, and just under the
chestnut tree I saw a big black cow. I said to Ismerie:

"Look; the white cow has been sent away because she was wicked, I
expect." Ismerie, who was cross that day, screamed, and said that I
was always laughing at the others, and trying to make them believe
things which were not true. I showed her the cow. She said it was a
white one. I said, "No, it is a black one." Sister Marie-Aimee heard
us. She was very angry, and said, "How dare you say that the cow is
black?" Then the cow moved. She looked black and white now, and I
understood that I had made a mistake because of the shadow of the
chestnut tree. I was so surprised that I could not find anything to
say. I did not know how to explain it. Sister Marie-Aimee shook me.
"Why did you tell a lie?" she said. I answered that I did not know.
She sent me into a corner in the shed, and told me that I should have
nothing but bread and water that day. As I had not told a lie, the
punishment did not worry me. The shed had a lot of old cupboards in
it, and some garden tools. I climbed from one thing on to the other,
and got right up and sat on the top of the highest cupboard. I was ten
years old, and it was the first time that I had ever been alone. I
felt pleased at this. I sat there, swinging my legs, and began to
imagine a whole invisible world. The old cupboard with rusty locks
became the entrance gate to a magnificent palace. I was a little girl
who had been left on the top of a mountain. A beautiful lady dressed
like a fairy had seen me up there, and came to fetch me. Three or four
lovely ducks ran in front of her. They had just come up to me when I
saw Sister Marie-Aimee standing in front of the cupboard with the rusty
locks and looking about for me everywhere. I did not know that I was
sitting on the cupboard. I still believed myself to be on the top of
the mountain, and I felt cross because Sister Marie-Aimee's arrival had
made the palace and the lovely lady disappear. She saw my legs
swinging, and just as she saw me I remembered that I was sitting on the
cupboard. She stood there for a moment looking up at me. Then she
took a piece of bread, a piece of sausage, and a little bottle of wine
out of the pocket of her dress, showed me one thing after the other,
and in an angry voice said, "This _was_ for you. There!" And she put
it all back into her pocket and went away. A moment afterwards
Madeleine brought me some bread and water, and I remained in the shed
till evening.

Sister Marie-Aimee had been growing sadder and sadder for some time.
She never played with us any more, and she even used to forget our
dinner time. Madeleine would send me to the chapel to fetch her, and I
would find her there on her knees with her face hidden in her hands. I
had to pull at her dress before she took any notice of me. Often I
thought that she had been crying, but I never dared to look at her
closely for fear she would get angry. She seemed lost in thought, and
when we spoke to her, she answered "Yes" or "No" quite sharply.

But she took a great interest in the little feast which we had at
Easter every year. She had the cakes brought in, and we put them on a
table and covered them with a white cloth, so that the greedy girls
should not see them all at the same time. On feast days we were
allowed to talk as much as we liked at table, and we made a tremendous
noise. Sister Marie-Aimee waited on us with a smile and a word for
each of us. That day she was going to serve the cakes, and Madeleine,
who was helping her, was taking off the cloth which covered them. Then
a cat, which had been under the cloth, jumped down and ran away.
Sister Marie-Aimee and Madeleine both said "Oh," and Madeleine said,
"The dirty beast has been nibbling all the cakes." Sister Marie-Aimee
did not like the cat. She stood perfectly still for a minute, then ran
to the corner, took a stick and ran after it. It was horrible. The
cat was frightened out of its wits, and jumped this way and that out of
the way of the stick with which Sister Marie-Aimee kept hitting the
benches and the walls. All the little girls were frightened, and ran
towards the door. Sister Marie-Aimee stopped them. "Nobody is to go
out," she said. I hardly knew her. Her lips were pressed together,
her cheeks were as white as her cap, and her eyes, which seemed to
flame, frightened me so that I hid my face in the hollow of my arm. I
did not want to do so, but I soon looked up again. The cat hunt was
still going on. Sister Marie-Aimee, with her stick in the air, ran
after the cat without saying a word. Her lips were open, and I could
see her little pointed teeth. She ran about, jumping over the benches,
and climbed up on to the table, lifting her petticoats as she did so.
When she was going to hit the cat it jumped and ran up a curtain right
on to the top of the window. Madeleine, who had been following Sister
Marie-Aimee about, wanted to go and fetch a longer stick, but Sister
Marie-Aimee stopped her, and said, "It is lucky to have got away."
Bonne Justine, who was standing near me, hid her eyes and murmured,
"Oh, it is shameful, shameful!" and I thought it was shameful, too. I
felt as though Sister Marie-Aimee had grown smaller. I had always
thought her quite faultless. I compared this scene with another one,
which had happened one day when there was a big storm. That day Sister
Marie-Aimee had been wonderful. While she was chasing the cat I could
see her, that other day, as she stood on a bench, and closed the
windows quietly, lifting her lovely arms. Her wide sleeves fell down
on her shoulders, and while we shivered and shook in terror at the
lightning and the whistling wind she said quietly, "It is quite a
storm." Sister Marie-Aimee made the little girls stand on the other
side of the room. She opened the door wide, and the cat rushed out.

One afternoon I was surprised to see that it was not our old priest who
was saying vespers. This one was a tall, fine man. He sang with a
strong, jerky voice. We talked about him all the evening. Madeleine
said he was a handsome man, and Sister Marie-Aimee thought, she said,
that he had a young voice, but that he pronounced his words like an old
man, and that he was distinguished looking. When he came to pay us a
visit two or three days afterwards, I saw that he had white hair in
little curls round his neck, and that his eyes and his eyebrows were
very black. He asked for those of us who were preparing their
catechism, and wanted to know everybody's name. Sister Marie-Aimee
answered for me. She put her hand on my head and said, "This is our
Marie Claire." When Ismerie came up in her turn he looked at her in
surprise, and made her turn round and walk for him to see. He said
that she was no bigger than a child of three, and when he asked Sister
Marie-Aimee if she was intelligent, Ismerie turned round sharply and
said that she was not as stupid as the rest of us. He burst out
laughing, and I saw that his teeth were very white. When he spoke he
jerked himself forward as though he wanted to catch his words again.
They seemed to drop out of his mouth in spite of himself. Sister
Marie-Aimee took him as far as the gate of the courtyard. She never
used to take any visitors further than the door of the room. She came
back, climbed up to her desk again, and after a moment she said,
without looking at anybody, "He really is a very distinguished man."

Our new priest lived in a little house near the chapel. In the evening
he used to walk in the avenue of linden trees. He often passed close
to the playground where we were playing, and he always used to bow very
low to Sister Marie-Aimee. Every Thursday afternoon he came to see us.
He sat down, leaning against the back of his chair, and crossing his
legs, he told us stories. He was very pleasant, and Sister Marie-Aimee
used to say that he laughed as though he enjoyed it. Sometimes Sister
Marie-Aimee was ill. Then he used to go up and see her in her room.
We would see Madeleine passing with a teapot and two cups. She was red
in the face and very busy.

When the summer was over, M. le Cure came to see us after dinner and
spent the evenings with us. When nine o'clock struck he used to go,
and Sister Marie-Aimee always went with him down the passage to the big
front door.

He had been with us for a year, and I could never get used to making
confession to him. He often used to look at me and laugh in a way that
made me think that he remembered my faults. We went to confession on
fixed days. Each one of us took her turn. When there were only one or
two to go in before me I began to tremble. My heart beat dreadfully
fast, and I got cramp in my stomach, which prevented me from breathing
properly. When my turn came I got up and felt my legs trembling under
me. My head buzzed, and my cheeks turned cold. I fell on my knees in
the confessional and M. le Cure's voice, which sounded as though it
came from a long way off, gave me confidence. But he always had to
help me to remember my faults. If he hadn't, I should have forgotten
half of them. At the end of confession he always asked me what my name
was. I longed to tell him another name, but while I was wondering if I
dare, my own name used to slip out of my mouth.

It was getting near the time for our Communion. It was to be in May,
and preparations for it were beginning. Sister Marie-Aimee composed
some new hymns. She had made one, which was a sort of thanksgiving for
M. le Cure. A fortnight before the ceremony they separated us from the
others. We had prayed all day long. Madeleine was supposed to see
that we were not disturbed at prayer, but she often used to disturb us
herself by quarrelling with one of us. My fellow communicant was
called Sophie. She was a quiet little girl, and we always kept out of
the quarrels. We used to talk over serious matters. I often told her
how much I hated confession, and how frightened I was that I should
pass through my communion badly. She was very good, and she did not
understand what I had to be afraid of. She thought that I was not
pious enough, and she had noticed that I used to go to sleep during
prayers. She confessed to me that she was very frightened of death.
She used to talk about it in a low voice, and looked very frightened.
Her eyes were green, and her hair was so lovely that Sister Marie-Aimee
would never have it cut short like that of the other girls.

At last the great day came. My general confession had passed off all
right. It gave me the same feeling that a bath does. I felt very
clean after it, but I trembled so when I was given the holy wafer that
a bit of it stuck in my teeth. A sort of dizziness came over me, and I
felt as though a big black curtain had dropped in front of my eyes, I
thought I heard Sister Marie-Aimee's voice asking "Are you ill," and I
seemed to know that she went with me as far as my fald-stool, and that
she put my taper into my hand and said, "Hold it tight." My throat had
grown so tight that I could not swallow, and I felt a liquid dropping
from my mouth into my throat. Then I was wildly frightened, for
Madeleine had warned us that if we bit the holy wafer the blood of
Christ would stream from our mouths, and that nobody would be able to
stop it. Sister Marie-Aimee wiped my face and whispered quite low,
"Take care, dear. Are you ill?" My throat loosened, and I swallowed
the wafer. Then at last I dared to look down to see the blood on my
dress, but I saw only a little grey spot like a drop of water. I put
my handkerchief to my lips and wiped my face. There was no blood on
it. I did not feel quite sure yet, but when we got up to sing I tried
to sing with the others. When M. le Cure came to see us later in the
day Sister Marie-Aimee told him that I had almost fainted at Communion.
He took my chin in his hand and tipped my face up towards him. Then,
after looking into my eyes, he began to laugh, and said that I was a
very sensitive little girl.

After our first communion we did not attend class any more. Bonne
Justine taught us to sew. We made caps for peasant women. It was not
very difficult, and as it was something new I worked hard. Bonne
Justine said that I should make a very good needle-woman. Sister
Marie-Aimee used to kiss me and say, "So you would, if you could only
get over your laziness." But when I had made a few caps and had to go
on doing the same thing over and over again, my laziness got the better
of me. The work bored me, and I could not make up my mind to do it. I
could have remained for hours and hours without moving, watching the
others work. Marie Renaud never spoke to us while she was sewing. Her
stitches were so small and so close together that one needed good eyes
to see them. Ismerie sang all the time she sewed, and nobody ever
scolded her. Some of the girls sewed with bent backs and a frown on
their foreheads. Their fingers were moist, and their needles
squeaked. Others sewed slowly and carefully, without getting tired or
bored, counting their stitches under their breath. That is the way I
should have liked to sew. I used to scold myself for not doing so, and
then I used to imitate them for a few minutes. But the least sound
disturbed me, and I would stop and listen, or look at what was going on
all round me. Madeleine said that my nose was always in the air. I
spent most of my time imagining needles which would sew all by
themselves. For a long time I hoped that an old woman, whom nobody
would see but I, would come out of the big fireplace and sew my cap for
me very quickly. At last I took no notice of Sister Marie-Aimee's
scolding, and she didn't know what to do to make me work. One day she
decided that I was to read aloud twice a day. It was a great joy for
me. The time to begin reading never seemed to come quickly enough, and
I was always sorry when I closed the book.

When I had finished reading Sister Marie-Aimee used to make Colette the
cripple sing to us. She always sang the same songs, but her voice was
so lovely that we never got tired of listening to it. She sang quite
simply, without stopping her work, and she kept time with her needle as
she sang. Bonne Justine, who knew all about everybody, told us that
Colette had been brought in with both legs broken, when she was quite a
tiny child. She was twenty now. She walked with great difficulty,
helping herself with two sticks, and she would never use crutches
because she was afraid of looking like an old woman. During recreation
I always used to see her alone on a bench. She kept on throwing
herself back and stretching. Her dark eyes had such big pupils that
one hardly saw the whites at all. I felt drawn towards her. I should
have liked to have been her friend. She seemed very proud, and
whenever I did any little thing for her she had a way of saying, "Thank
you, little one," which made me remember that I was only twelve years
old. Madeleine told me, mysteriously, that we were not allowed to talk
to Colette alone, and when I wanted to know why, she reeled out a long
complicated story which told me nothing at all. I asked Bonne Justine,
who used a lot of words which I didn't understand, but told me that a
little girl like me must not be alone with Colette. I could never
understand why. I noticed that every time one of the big girls gave
her her arm to help her to walk about a little, three or four other
girls always came up and talked and laughed with them. I thought that
she had no friends. A feeling of great pity drew me to her, and one
day when she was all alone I asked her to take my arm for a little
walk. I was standing in front of her timidly, but I knew that she
would not refuse. She looked at me and said, "You know it is not
allowed." I nodded "Yes." She looked at me again. "Aren't you afraid
of being punished?" she said. I shook my head to say "No." I wanted
to cry and it made my throat feel tight. I helped her to get up. She
leaned on her stick with one hand and put all her weight on my
shoulder. I could see how difficult it was for her to walk. She did
not say a word to me while we were walking, and when I had taken her
back to her bench she looked at me and said, "Thank you, Marie Claire."
When she saw me with Colette, Bonne Justine raised her arms to heaven
and made the sign of the cross. At the other end of the playground
Madeleine shook her fist at me and shouted.

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