A Political Romance
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Laurence Sterne >> A Political Romance
A Political Romance,
Addressed To _____ ________, Esq;
of York.
To which is subjoined a KEY.
Ridiculum acri Fortius et melius magnas plerumque secat Res
YORK: Printed in the Year MDCCLIX.
[Price ONE SHILLING.]
A POLITICAL ROMANCE, ETC.
SIR,
In my last, for want of something better to write about, I told you what
a World of Fending and Proving we have had of late, in this little
Village of ours, about an old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches, which
John, our Parish-Clerk, about ten Years ago, it seems, had made a
Promise of to one Trim, who is our Sexton and Dog-Whipper.--To this you
write me Word, that you have had more than either one or two Occasions
to know a good deal of the shifty Behaviour of this said Master Trim,--
and that you are astonished, nor can you for your Soul conceive, how so
worthless a Fellow, and so worthless a Thing into the Bargain, could
become the Occasion of such a Racket as I have represented.
Now, though you do not say expressly, you could wish to hear any more
about it, yet I see plain enough that I have raised your Curiosity; and
therefore, from the same Motive, that I slightly mentioned it at all in
my last Letter, I will, in this, give you a full and very circumstantial
Account of the whole Affair.
But, before I begin, I must first set you right in one very material
Point, in which I have misled you, as to the true Cause of all this
Uproar amongst us;--which does not take its Rise, as I then told you,
from the Affair of the Breeches;--but, on the contrary, the whole Affair
of the Breeches has taken its Rise from it:--To understand which, you
must know, that the first Beginning of the Squabble was not between John
the Parish-Clerk and Trim the Sexton, but betwixt the Parson of the
Parish and the said Master Trim, about an old Watch-Coat, which had many
Years hung up in the Church, which Trim had set his Heart upon; and
nothing would serve Trim but he must take it home, in order to have it
converted into a warm Under-Petticoat for his Wife, and a Jerkin for
himself, against Winter; which, in a plaintive Tone, he most humbly
begg'd his Reverence would consent to.
I need not tell you, Sir, who have so often felt it, that a Principle of
strong Compassion transports a generous Mind sometimes beyond what is
strictly right,--the Parson was within an Ace of being an honourable
Example of this very Crime;--for no sooner did the distinct Words--
Petticoat--poor Wife--warm--Winter strike upon his Ear, but his Heart
warmed,--and, before Trim had well got to the End of his Petition,
(being a Gentleman of a frank and open Temper) he told him he was
welcome to it, with all his Heart and Soul. But, Trim, says he, as you
see I am but just got down to my Living, and am an utter Stranger to all
Parish-Matters, know nothing about this old Watch-Coat you beg of me,
having never seen it in my Life, and therefore cannot be a Judge whether
'tis fit for such a Purpose; or, if it is, in Truth, know not whether
'tis mine to bestow upon you or not;--you must have a Week or ten Days
Patience, till I can make some Inquiries about it;--and, if I find it is
in my Power, I tell you again, Man, your Wife is heartily welcome to an
Under-Petticoat out of it, and you to a Jerkin, was the Thing as good
again as you represent it.
It is necessary to inform you, Sir, in this Place, That the Parson was
earnestly bent to serve Trim in this Affair, not only from the Motive of
Generality, which I have justly ascribed to him, but likewise from
another Motive; and that was by way of making some Sort of Recompence
for a Multitude of small Services which Trim had occasionally done, and
indeed was continually doing, (as he was much about the House) when his
own Man was out of the Way. For all these Reasons together, I say, the
Parson of the Parish intended to serve Trim in this Matter to the utmost
of his Power: All that was wanting was previously to inquire, if any one
had a Claim to it;--or whether, as it had, Time immemorial, hung up in
the Church, the taking it down might not raise a Clamour in the Parish.
These Inquiries were the very Thing that Trim dreaded in his Heart--He
knew very well that if the Parson should but say one Word to the Church-
Wardens about it, there would be an End of the whole Affair. For this,
and some other Reasons not necessary to be told you, at present, Trim
was for allowing no Time in this Matter;--but, on the contrary, doubled
his Diligence and Importunity at the Vicarage-House;--plagued the whole
Family to Death;--pressed his Suit Morning, Noon, and Night; and, to
shorten my Story, teazed the poor Gentleman, who was but in an ill State
of Health, almost out of his Life about it.
You will not wonder, when I tell you, that all this Hurry and
Precipitation, on the Side of Master Trim, produced its natural Effect
on the Side of the Parson, and that was, a Suspicion that all was not
right at the Bottom.
He was one Evening sitting alone in his Study, weighing and turning this
Doubt every Way in his Mind; and, after an Hour and a half's serious
Deliberation upon the Affair, and running over Trim's Behaviour
throughout,--he was just saying to himself, It must be so;--when a
sudden Rap at the Door put an End to his Soliloquy,--and, in a few
Minutes, to his Doubts too; for a Labourer in the Town, who deem'd
himself past his fifty-second Year, had been returned by the Constable
in the Militia-List,--and he had come, with a Groat in his Hand, to
search the Parish Register for his Age.--The Parson bid the poor Fellow
put the Groat into his Pocket, and go into the Kitchen:--Then shutting
the Study Door, and taking down the Parish Register,--Who knows, says
he, but I may find something here about this self-same Watch-Coat?--He
had scarce unclasped the Book, in saying this, when he popp'd upon the
very Thing he wanted, fairly wrote on the first Page, pasted to the
Inside of one of the Covers, whereon was a Memorandum about the very
Thing in Question, in these express Words:
MEMORANDUM.
The great Watch-Coat was purchased and given above two hundred years
ago, by the Lord of the Manor, to this Parish-Church, to the sole use
and Behoof of the poor sextons thereof, and their Sucessors, for ever,
to be Worn by them respectively in wintery cold Nights, in ringing
Complines, Passing-Bells, &c. which the said Lord of the manor had done,
in Piety, to keep the poor Wretches warm, and for the Good of his own
Soul, for Which they were directed to pray, &c. &c. &c. &c. Just Heaven!
said the Parson to himself, looking upwards, What an Escape have I had!
Give this for an Under-Petticoat to Trim's Wife! I would not have
consented to such a Desecration to be Primate of all England; nay, I
would not have disturb'd a single Button of it for half my Tythes!
Scarce were the Words out of his Mouth, when in pops Trim with the whole
Subject of the Exclamation under both his Arms.--I say, under both his
Arms;--for he had actually got it ripp'd and cut out ready, his own
Jerkin under one Arm, and the Petticoat under the other, in order to be
carried to the Taylor to be made up,--and had just stepp'd in, in high
Spirits, to shew the Parson how cleverly it had held out.
There are many good Similies now subsisting in the World, but which I
have neither Time to recollect or look for, which would give you a
strong Conception of the Astonishment and honest Indignation which this
unexpected Stroke of Trim's Impudence impress'd upon the Parson's
Looks.--Let it suffice to say, That it exceeded all fair Description,--
as well as all Power of proper Resentment,--except this, that Trim was
ordered, in a stern Voice, to lay the Bundles down upon the Table,--to
go about his Business, and wait upon him, at his Peril, the next Morning
at Eleven precisely,:--Against this Hour, like a wise Man, the Parson
had sent to desire John the Parish-Clerk, who bore an exceeding good
Character as a Man of Truth, and who having, moreover, a pretty Freehold
of about eighteen Pounds a Year in the Township, was a leading Man in
it; and, upon the whole, was such a one of whom it might be said,--That
he rather did Honour to his Office,--than that his Office did Honour to
him.--Him he sends for, with the Church-Wardens, and one of the Sides-
Men, a grave, knowing, old Man, to be present:--For as Trim had withheld
the whole Truth from the Parson, touching the Watch-Coat, he thought it
probable he would as certainly do the same Thing to others; though this,
I said, was wise, the Trouble of the Precaution might have been spared,
--because the Parson's Character was unblemish'd,--and he had ever been
held by the World in the Estimation of a Man of Honour and Integrity.--
Trim's Character, on the contrary, was as well known, if not in the
World, yet, at least, in all the Parish, to be that of a little, dirty,
pimping, pettifogging, ambidextrous Fellow,--who neither cared what he
did or said of any, provided he could get a Penny by it.--This might, I
say, have made any Precaution needless;--but you must know, as the
Parson had in a Manner but just got down to his Living, he dreaded the
Consequences of the least ill Impression on his first Entrance amongst
his Parishioners, which would have disabled him from doing them the Good
he Wished;--so that, out of Regard to his Flock, more than the necessary
Care due to himself,--he was resolv'd not to lie at the Mercy of what
Resentment might vent, or Malice lend an Ear to.--Accordingly the whole
Matter was rehearsed from first to last by the Parson, in the Manner
I've told you, in the Hearing of John the Parish-Clerk, and in the
Presence of Trim.
Trim had little to say for himself, except "That the Parson had
absolutely promised to befriend him and his Wife in the Affair, to the
utmost of his Power: That the Watch-Coat was certainly in his Power, and
that he might give it him if he pleased."
To this, the Parson's Reply was short, but strong, "That nothing was in
his Power to do, but what he could do honestly:--That in giving the Coat
to him and his Wife, he should do a manifest Wrong to the next Sexton;
the great Watch-Coat being the most comfortable Part of the Place:--That
he should, moreover, injure the Right of his own Successor, who would be
just so much a worse Patron, as the Worth of the Coat amounted to;--and,
in a Word, he declared, that his whole intent in promising that Coat,
was Charity to Trim; but Wrong to no Man; that was a Reserve, he said,
made in all Cases of this Kind:--and he declared solemnly, in Verbo
Sacerdotis, That this was his Meaning, and was so understood by Trim
himself."
With the Weight of this Truth, and the great good Sense and strong
Reason which accompanied all the Parson said upon the Subject,--poor
Trim was driven to his last Shift,--and begg'd he might be suffered to
plead his Right and Title to the Watch-Coat, if not by Promise, at least
by Services.--It was well known how much he was entitled to it upon
these Scores: That he had black'd the Parson's Shoes without Count, and
greased his Boots above fifty Times:--That he had run for Eggs into the
Town upon all Occasions;--whetted the Knives at all Hours;--catched his
Horse and rubbed him down:--That for his Wife she had been ready upon
all Occasions to charr for them;--and neither he nor she, to the best of
his Remembrance, ever took a Farthing, or any thing beyond a Mug of
Ale.--To this Account of his Services he begg'd Leave to add those of
his Wishes, which, he said, had been equally great.--He affirmed, and
was ready, he said, to make it appear, by Numbers of Witnesses, "He had
drank his Reverence's Health a thousand Times, (by the bye, he did not
add out of the Parson's own Ale): That he not only drank his Health, but
wish'd it; and never came to the House, but ask'd his Man kindly how he
did; that in particular, about half a Year ago, when his Reverence cut
his Finger in paring an Apple, he went half a Mile to ask a cunning
Woman, what was good to stanch Blood, and actually returned with a
Cobweb in his Breeches Pocket:--Nay, says Trim, it was not a Fortnight
ago, when your Reverence took that violent Purge, that I went to the far
End of the whole Town to borrow you a Close-stool,--and came back, as my
Neighbours, who flouted me, will all bear witness, with the Pan upon my
Head, and never thought it too much."
Trim concluded his pathetick Remonstrance with saying, "He hoped his
Reverence's Heart would not suffer him to requite so many faithful
Services by so unkind a Return:--That if it was so, as he was the first,
so he hoped he should be the last, Example of a Man of his Condition so
treated."--This Plan of Trim's Defence, which Trim had put himself
upon,--could admit of no other Reply but a general Smile.
Upon the whole, let me inform you, That all that could be said, pro and
con, on both Sides, being fairly heard, it was plain, That Trim, in
every Part of this Affair, had behaved very ill;--and one Thing, which
was never expected to be known of him, happening in the Course of this
Debate to come out against him; namely, That he had gone and told the
Parson, before he had ever set Foot in his Parish, That John his Parish-
Clerk,--his Church-Wardens, and some of the Heads of the Parish, were a
Parcel of Scoundrels.--Upon the Upshot, Trim was kick'd out of Doors;
and told, at his Peril, never to come there again.
At first Trim huff'd and bounced most terribly;--swore he would get a
Warrant;--then nothing would serve him but he would call a Bye-Law, and
tell the whole Parish how the Parson had misused him;--but cooling of
that, as fearing the Parson might possibly bind him over to his good
Behaviour, and, for aught he knew, might send him to the House of
Correction,--he let the Parson alone; and, to revenge himself, falls
foul upon his Clerk, who had no more to do in the Quarrel than you or
I;--rips up the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches,
and raises an Uproar in the Town about it, notwithstanding it had slept
ten Years.--But all this, you must know, is look'd upon in no other
Light, but as an artful Stroke of Generalship in Trim, to raise a Dust,
and cover himself under the disgraceful Chastisement he has undergone.
If your Curiosity is not yet satisfied,--I will now proceed to relate
the Battle of the Breeches, in the same exact Manner I have done that of
the Watch-Coat.
Be it known then, that, about ten Years ago, when John was appointed
Parish-Clerk of this Church, this said Master Trim took no small Pains
to get into John's good Graces in order, as it afterwards appeared, to
coax a Promise out of him of a Pair of Breeches, which John had then by
him, of black Plush, not much the worse for wearing;--Trim only begging
for God's Sake to have them bestowed upon him when John should think fit
to cast them.
Trim was one of those kind of Men who loved a Bit of Finery in his
Heart, and would rather have a tatter'd Rag of a Better Body's, than the
best plain whole Thing his Wife could spin him.
John, who was naturally unsuspicious, made no more Difficulty of
promising the Breeches, than the Parson had done in promising the Great
Coat; and, indeed, with something less Reserve,--because the Breeches
were John's own, and he could give them, without Wrong, to whom he
thought fit.
It happened, I was going to say unluckily, but, I should rather say,
most luckily, for Trim, for he was the only Gainer by it;--that a
Quarrel, about some six or eight Weeks after this, broke out between the
late Parson of the Parish and John the Clerk. Somebody (and it was
thought to be Nobody but Trim) had put it into the Parson's Head, "That
John's Desk in the Church was, at the least, four Inches higher than it
should be:--That the Thing gave Offence, and was indecorous, inasmuch as
it approach'd too near upon a Level with the Parson's Desk itself." This
Hardship the Parson complained of loudly,--and told John one Day after
Prayers, "He could bear it no longer:--And would have it alter'd and
brought down as it should be." John made no other Reply, but, "That the
Desk was not of his raising:--That 'twas not one Hair Breadth higher
than he found it;--and that as he found it, so would he leave it:--In
short, he would neither make an Encroachment, nor would he suffer one."
The late Parson might have his Virtues, but the leading Part of his
Character was not Humility; so that John's Stiffness in this Point was
not likely to reconcile Matters.--This was Trim's Harvest.
After a friendly Hint to John to stand his Ground,--away hies Trim to
make his Market at the Vicarage: What pass'd there, I will not say,
intending not to be uncharitable; so shall content myself with only
guessing at it, from the sudden Change that appeared in Trim's Dress for
the better;--for he had left his old ragged Coat, Hat and Wig, in the
Stable, and was come forth strutting across the Church-yard, y'clad in a
good creditable cast Coat, large Hat and Wig, which the Parson had just
given him.--Ho! Ho! Hollo! John! cries Trim, in an insolent Bravo, as
loud as ever he could bawl--See here, my Lad! how fine I am.--The more
Shame for you, answered John, seriously.--Do you think, Trim, says he,
such Finery, gain'd by such Services, becomes you, or can wear well?--
Fye upon it, Trim;--I could not have expected this from you, considering
what Friendship you pretended, and how kind I have ever been to you:--
How many Shillings and Sixpences I have generously lent you in your
Distresses?--Nay, it was but t'other Day that I promised you these black
Plush Breeches I have on.--Rot your Breeches, quoth Trim; for Trim's
Brain was half turn'd with his new Finery:--Rot your Breeches, says he,
--I would not take them up, were they laid at my Door;--give 'em, and be
d----d to you, to whom you like; I would have you to know I can have a
better Pair at the Parson's any Day in the Week:--John told him plainly,
as his Word had once pass'd him, he had a Spirit above taking Advantage
of his Insolence, in giving them away to another:--But, to tell him his
Mind freely, he thought he had got so many Favours of that Kind, and was
so likely to get many more for the same Services, of the Parson, that he
had better give up the Breeches, with good Nature, to some one who would
be more thankful for them.
Here John mentioned Mark Slender, (who, it seems, the Day before, had
ask'd John for 'em) not knowing they were under Promise to Trim.--"Come,
Trim, says he, let poor Mark have 'em,--You know he has not a Pair to
his. A----: Besides, you see he is just of my Size, and they will fit
him to a T; whereas, if I give 'em to you,--look ye, they are not worth
much; and, besides, you could not get your Backside into them, if you
had them, without tearing them all to Pieces."
Every Tittle of this was most undoubtedly true; for Trim, you must know,
by foul Feeding, and playing the good Fellow at the Parson's, was grown
somewhat gross about the lower Parts, if not higher: So that, as all
John said upon the Occasion was fact, Trim, with much ado, and after a
hundred Hum's and Hah's, at last, out of mere Compassion to Mark, signs,
seals, and delivers up all Right, Interest, and Pretentions whatsoever,
in and to the said breeches; thereby binding his Heirs, Executors,
Administrators, and Assignes, never more to call the said Claim in
Question.
All this Renunciation was set forth in an ample Manner, to be in pure
Pity to Mark's Nakedness;--but the Secret was, Trim had an Eye to, and
firmly expected in his own Mind, the great Green Pulpit-Cloth and old
Velvet Cushion, which were that very Year to be taken down;--which, by
the Bye, could he have wheedled John a second Time out of 'em, as he
hoped, he had made up the Loss of his Breeches Seven-fold.
Now, you must know, this Pulpit-Cloth and Cushion were not in John's
Gift, but in the Church-Wardens, &c.--However, as I said above, that
John was a leading Man in the Parish, Trim knew he could help him to
them if he would:--But John had got a Surfeit of him;--so, when the
Pulpit-Cloth, &c. were taken down, they were immediately given (John
having a great Say in it) to William Doe, who understood very well what
Use to make of them.
As for the old Breeches, poor Mark Slender lived to wear them but a
short Time, and they got into the Possession of Lorry Slim, an unlucky
Wight, by whom they are still worn;--in Truth, as you will guess, they
are very thin by this Time:--But Lorry has a light Heart; and what
recommends them to him, is this, that, as, thin as they are, he knows
that Trim, let him say what he will to the contrary, still envies the
Possessor of them,--and, with all his Pride, would be very glad to wear
them after him.
Upon this Footing have these Affairs slept quietly for near ten Years,--
and would have slept for ever, but for the unlucky Kicking-Bout; which,
as I said, has ripp'd this Squabble up afresh: So that it was no longer
ago than last Week, that Trim met and insulted John in the public Town-
Way, before a hundred People;--tax'd him with the Promise of the old-
cast-Pair-of-black-Breeches, notwithstanding Trim's solemn Renunciation;
twitted him with the Pulpit-Cloth and Velvet Cushion,--as good as told
him, he was ignorant of the common Duties of his Clerkship; adding, very
insolently, That he knew not so much as to give out a common Psalm in
Tune.--
John contented himself with giving a plain Answer to every Article that
Trim had laid to his Charge, and appealed to his Neighbours who
remembered the whole Affair;--and as he knew there was never any Thing
to be got in wrestling with a Chimney-Sweeper,--he was going to take
Leave of Trim for ever.--But, hold,--the Mob by this Time had got round
them, and their High Mightinesses insisted upon having Trim tried upon
the Spot.--Trim was accordingly tried; and, after a full Hearing, was
convicted a second Time, and handled more roughly by one or more of
them, than even at the Parson's.
Trim, says one, are you not ashamed of yourself, to make all this Rout
and Disturbance in the Town, and set Neighbours together by the Ears,
about an old-worn-out-Pair-of-cast-Breeches, not worth Half a Crown?--Is
there a cast-Coat, or a Place in the whole Town, that will bring you in
a Shilling, but what you have snapp'd up, like a greedy Hound as you
are?
In the first Place, are you not Sexton and Dog-Whipper, worth Three
Pounds a Year?--Then you begg'd the Church-Wardens to let your Wife have
the Washing and Darning of the Surplice and Church-Linen, which brings
you in Thirteen Shillings and Four Pence.--Then you have Six Shillings
and Eight Pence for oiling and winding up the Clock, both paid you at
Easter.--The Pinder's Place, which is worth Forty Shillings a Year,--you
have got that too.--You are the Bailiff, which the late Parson got you,
which brings you in Forty Shillings more.--Besides all this, you have
Six Pounds a Year, paid you Quarterly for being Mole-Catcher to the
Parish.--Aye, says the luckless Wight above-mentioned, (who was standing
close to him with his Plush Breeches on) "You are not only Mole-Catcher,
Trim, but you catch STRAY CONIES too in the Dark; and you pretend a
Licence for it, which, I trove, will be look'd into at the next Quarter
Sessions." I maintain it, I have a Licence, says Trim, blushing as red
as Scarlet:--I have a Licence,--and as I farm a Warren in the next
Parish, I will catch Conies every Hour of the Night.--You catch Conies!
cries a toothless old Woman, who was just passing by.--
This set the Mob a laughing, and sent every Man home in perfect good
Humour, except Trim, who waddled very slowly off with that Kind of
inflexible Gravity only to be equalled by one Animal in the whole
Creation,--and surpassed by none, I am,
SIR, Yours, &c. &c.
FINIS.
POSTSCRIPT.
I have broke open my Letter to inform you, that I miss'd the Opportunity
of sending it by the Messenger, who I expected would have called upon me
in his Return through this Village to York, so it has laid a Week or ten
Days by me.
--I am not sorry for the Disappointment, because something has since
happened, in Continuation of this Affair, which I am thereby enabled to
transmit to you, all under one Trouble.
When I finished the above Account, I thought (as did every Soul in the
Parish) Trim had met with so thorough a Rebuff from John the Parish-
Clerk and the Town's Folks, who all took against him, that Trim would be
glad to be quiet, and let the Matter rest.
But, it seems, it is not half an Hour ago since Trim sallied forth
again; and, having borrowed a Sow-Gelder's Horn, with hard Blowing he
got the whole Town round him, and endeavoured to raise a Disturbance,
and fight the whole Battle over again:--That he had been used in the
last Fray worse than a Dog;--not by John the Parish-Clerk,--for I shou'd
not, quoth Trim, have valued him a Rush single Hands:--But all the Town
sided with him, and twelve Men in Buckram set upon me all at once, and
kept me in Play at Sword's Point for three Hours together.--Besides,
quoth Trim, there were two misbegotten Knaves in Kendal Green, who lay
all the while in Ambush in John's own House, and they all sixteen came
upon my Back, and let drive at me together.--A Plague, says Trim, of all
Cowards!--Trim repeated this Story above a Dozen Times;--which made some
of the Neighbours pity him, thinking the poor Fellow crack-brain'd, and
that he actually believed what he said. After this Trim dropp'd the
Affair of the Breeches, and begun a fresh Dispute about the Reading-
Desk, which I told you had occasioned some small Dispute between the
late Parson and John, some Years ago.