The Patchwork Girl of Oz
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L. Frank Baum >> The Patchwork Girl of Oz
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"Yes," said the little girl; "your people may
need you to help conquer the Horners."
At this all the Hoppers looked downcast and sad.
Several more had joined the group by this time and
quite a crowd of curious men, women and children
surrounded the strangers.
"This war with our neighbors is a terrible
thing," remarked one of the women. "Some one is
almost sure to get hurt."
"Why do you say that, madam?" inquired the
Scarecrow.
"Because the horns of our enemies are sharp,
and in battle they will try to stick those horns
into our warriors," she replied.
"How many horns do the Horners have?" asked
Dorothy.
"Each has one horn in the center of his forehead,"
was the answer.
"Oh, then they're unicorns," declared the
Scarecrow.
"No; they're Horners. We never go to war with
them if we can help it, on account of their
dangerous horns; but this insult was so great and
so unprovoked that our brave men decided to fight,
in order to be revenged," said the woman.
"What weapons do you fight with?" the Scarecrow
asked.
"We have no weapons," explained the Champion.
"Whenever we fight the Horners, our plan is to
push them back, for our arms are longer than
theirs."
"Then you are better armed," said Scraps.
"Yes; but they have those terrible horns, and
unless we are careful they prick us with the
points," returned the Champion with a shudder.
"That makes a war with them dangerous, and a
dangerous war cannot be a pleasant one."
"I see very clearly," remarked the Scarecrow,
"that you are going to have trouble in conquering
those Horners--unless we help you."
"Oh!" cried the Hoppers in a chorus; "can
you help us? Please do! We will be greatly
obliged! It would please us very much!" and by
these exclamations the Scarecrow knew that his
speech had met with favor.
"How far is it to the Horner Country?" he asked.
"Why, it's just the other side of the fence,"
they answered, and the Champion added:
"Come with me, please, and I'll show you the
Horners."
So they followed the Champion and several
others through the streets and just beyond the
village came to a very high picket fence, built
all of marble, which seemed to divide the great
cave into two equal parts.
But the part inhabited by the Horners was in no
way as grand in appearance as that of the Hoppers.
Instead of being marble, the walls and roof were
of dull gray rock and the square houses were
plainly made of the same material. But in extent
the city was much larger than that of the Hoppers
and the streets were thronged with numerous people
who busied themselves in various ways.
Looking through the open pickets of the fence
our friends watched the Horners, who did not know
they were being watched by strangers, and found
them very unusual in appearance. They were little
folks in size and had bodies round as balls and
short legs and arms. Their heads were round, too,
and they had long, pointed ears and a horn set in
the center of the forehead. The horns did not seem
very terrible, for they were not more than six
inches long; but they were ivory white and sharp
pointed, and no wonder the Hoppers feared them.
The skins of the Horners were light brown, but
they wore snow-white robes and were bare-footed.
Dorothy thought the most striking thing about them
was their hair, which grew in three distinct
colors on each and every head--red, yellow and
green. The red was at the bottom and sometimes
hung over their eyes; then came a broad circle of
yellow and the green was at the top and formed a
brush-shaped top-knot.
None of the Horners was yet aware of the
presence of strangers, who watched the little
brown people for a time and then went to the
big gate in the center of the dividing fence. It
was locked on both sides and over the latch was
a sign reading:
"WAR IS DECLARED"
"Can't we go through?" asked Dorothy.
"Not now," answered the Champion.
"I think," said the Scarecrow, "that if I could
talk with those Horners they would apologize to
you, and then there would be no need to fight."
"Can't you talk from this side?" asked the
Champion.
"Not so well," replied the Scarecrow. "Do you
suppose you could throw me over that fence?
It is high, but I am very light."
"We can try it," said the Hopper. "I am perhaps
the strongest man in my country, so I'll undertake
to do the throwing. But I won't promise you will
land on your feet."
"No matter about that," returned the Scarecrow.
"Just toss me over and I'll be satisfied."
So the Champion picked up the Scarecrow
and balanced him a moment, to see how much
he weighed, and then with all his strength
tossed him high into the air.
Perhaps if the Scarecrow had been a trifle
heavier he would have been easier to throw and
would have gone a greater distance; but, as it
was, instead of going over the fence he landed
just on top of it, and one of the sharp pickets
caught him in the middle of his back and held him
fast prisoner. Had he been face downward the
Scarecrow might have managed to free himself, but
lying on his back on the picket his hands waved in
the air of the Horner Country while his feet
kicked the air of the Hopper Country; so there he
was.
"Are you hurt?" called the Patchwork Girl
anxiously.
"Course not," said Dorothy. "But if he wiggles
that way he may tear his clothes. How can we get
him down, Mr. Champion?"
The Champion shook his head.
"I don't know," he confessed. "If he could
scare Horners as well as he does crows, it might
be a good idea to leave him there."
"This is terrible," said Ojo, almost ready to
cry. "I s'pose it's because I am Ojo the Unlucky
that everyone who tries to help me gets into
trouble."
"You are lucky to have anyone to help you,"
declared Dorothy. "But don't worry. We'll rescue
the Scarecrow somehow."
"I know how," announced Scraps. "Here, Mr.
Champion; just throw me up to the Scarecrow. I'm
nearly as light as he is, and when I'm on top the
fence I'll pull our friend off the picket and toss
him down to you."
"All right," said the Champion, and he picked up
the Patchwork Girl and threw her in the same
manner he had the Scarecrow. He must have used
more strength this time, however, for Scraps
sailed far over the top of the fence and, without
being able to grab the Scarecrow at all, tumbled
to the ground in the Horner Country, where her
stuffed body knocked over two men and a woman and
made a crowd that had collected there run like
rabbits to get away from her.
Seeing the next moment that she was harmless,
the people slowly returned and gathered around the
Patchwork Girl, regarding her with astonishment.
One of them wore a jeweled star in his hair, just
above his horn, and this seemed a person of
importance. He spoke for the rest of his people,
who treated him with great respect.
"Who are you, Unknown Being?" he asked.
"Scraps," she said, rising to her feet and
patting her cotton wadding smooth where it had
bunched up.
"And where did you come from?" he continued.
"Over the fence. Don't be silly. There's no
other place I could have come from," she replied.
He looked at her thoughtfully.
"You are not a Hopper," said he, "for you
have two legs. They're not very well shaped,
but they are two in number. And that strange
creature on top the fence--why doesn't he stop
kicking?--must be your brother, or father, or son,
for he also has two legs."
"You must have been to visit the Wise Donkey,"
said Scraps, laughing so merrily that the crowd
smiled with her, in sympathy. "But that reminds
me, Captain--or King--"
"I am Chief of the Horners, and my name is Jak."
"Of course; Little Jack Horner; I might have
known it. But the reason I volplaned over the
fence was so I could have a talk with you about
the Hoppers."
"What about the Hoppers?" asked the Chief,
frowning.
"You've insulted them, and you'd better beg
their pardon," said Scraps. "If you don't, they'll
probably hop over here and conquer you."
"We're not afraid--as long as the gate is
locked," declared the Chief. "And we didn't insult
them at all. One of us made a joke that the stupid
Hoppers couldn't see."
The Chief smiled as he said this and the smile
made his face look quite jolly.
"What was the joke?" asked Scraps.
"A Horner said they have less understanding than
we, because they've only one leg. Ha, ha! You see
the point, don't you? If you stand on your legs,
and your legs are under you, then--ha, ha, ha!--
then your legs are your under-standing. Hee, hee,
hee! Ho, ho! My, but that's a fine joke. And the
stupid Hoppers couldn't see it! They couldn't see
that with only one leg they must have less
under-standing than we who have two legs. Ha, ha,
ha! Hee, hee! Ho, ho!" The Chief wiped the tears
of laughter from his eyes with the bottom hem of
his white robe, and all the other Horners wiped
their eyes on their robes, for they had laughed
just as heartily as their Chief at the absurd
joke.
"Then," said Scraps, "their understanding of the
understanding you meant led to the
misunderstanding."
"Exactly; and so there's no need for us to
apologize," returned the Chief.
"No need for an apology, perhaps, but much need
for an explanation," said Scraps decidedly. "You
don't want war, do you?"
"Not if we can help it," admitted Jak Horner.
"The question is, who's going to explain the joke
to the Horners? You know it spoils any joke to be
obliged to explain it, and this is the best joke I
ever heard."
"Who made the joke?" asked Scraps.
"Diksey Horner. He is working in the mines, just
now, but he'll be home before long. Suppose we
wait and talk with him about it? Maybe he'll be
willing to explain his joke to the Hoppers."
"All right," said Scraps. "I'll wait, if Diksey
isn't too long."
"No, he's short; he's shorter than I am. Ha,
ha, ha! Say! that's a better joke than Diksey's.
He won't be too long, because he's short. Hee,
hee, ho!"
The other Horners who were standing by roared
with laughter and seemed to like their Chief's
joke as much as he did. Scraps thought it was odd
that they could be so easily amused, but decided
there could be little harm in people who laughed
so merrily.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Peace Is Declared
"Come with me to my dwelling and I'll introduce
you to my daughters," said the Chief. "We're
bringing them up according to a book of rules that
was written by one of our leading old bachelors,
and everyone says they're a remarkable lot of girls."
So Scraps accompanied him along the street to a
house that seemed on the outside exceptionally
grimy and dingy. The streets of this city were not
paved nor had any attempt been made to beautify
the houses or their surroundings, and having
noticed this condition Scraps was astonished when
the Chief ushered her into his home.
Here was nothing grimy or faded, indeed. On the
contrary, the room was of dazzling brilliance and
beauty, for it was lined throughout with an
exquisite metal that resembled translucent frosted
silver. The surface of this metal was highly
ornamented in raised designs representing men,
animals, flowers and trees, and from the metal
itself was radiated the soft light which flooded
the room. All the furniture was made of the same
glorious metal, and Scraps asked what it was.
"That's radium," answered the Chief. "We
Horners spend all our time digging radium from
the mines under this mountain, and we use it
to decorate our homes and make them pretty and
cosy. It is a medicine, too, and no one can ever
be sick who lives near radium."
"Have you plenty of it?" asked the Patchwork
Girl.
"More than we can use. All the houses in this
city are decorated with it, just the same as mine
is."
"Why don't you use it on your streets, then,
and the outside of your houses, to make them as
pretty as they are within?" she inquired.
"Outside? Who cares for the outside of
anything?" asked the Chief. "We Horners don't live
on the outside of our homes; we live inside. Many
people are like those stupid Hoppers, who love to
make an outside show. I suppose you strangers
thought their city more beautiful than ours,
because you judged from appearances and they have
handsome marble houses and marble streets; but if
you entered one of their stiff dwellings you would
find it bare and uncomfortable, as all their show
is on the outside. They have an idea that what is
not seen by others is not important, but with us
the rooms we live in are our chief delight and
care, and we pay no attention to outside show."
"Seems to me," said Scraps, musingly, "it
would be better to make it all pretty--inside
and out."
"Seems? Why, you're all seams, my girl!" said
the Chief; and then he laughed heartily at his
latest joke and a chorus of small voices echoed
the chorus with "tee-hee-hee! ha, ha!"
Scraps turned around and found a row of
girls seated in radium chairs ranged along one
wall of the room. There were nineteen of them,
by actual count, and they were of all sizes from
a tiny child to one almost a grown woman. All
were neatly dressed in spotless white robes and
had brown skins, horns on their foreheads and
three-colored hair.
"These," said the Chief, "are my sweet
daughters. My dears, I introduce to you Miss
Scraps Patchwork, a lady who is traveling in
foreign parts to increase her store of wisdom."
The nineteen Horner girls all arose and made
a polite curtsey, after which they resumed their
seats and rearranged their robes properly.
"Why do they sit so still, and all in a row?"
asked Scraps.
"Because it is ladylike and proper," replied the
Chief.
"But some are just children, poor things!
Don't they ever run around and play and laugh,
and have a good time?"
"No, indeed," said the Chief. "That would he
improper in young ladies, as well as in those who
will sometime become young ladies. My daughters
are being brought up according to the rules and
regulations laid down by a leading bachelor who
has given the subject much study and is himself a
man of taste and culture. Politeness is his great
hobby, and he claims that if a child is allowed to
do an impolite thing one cannot expect the grown
person to do anything better."
"Is it impolite to romp and shout and be jolly?"
asked Scraps.
"Well, sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't,"
replied the Horner, after considering the
question. "By curbing such inclinations in my
daughters we keep on the safe side. Once in a
while I make a good joke, as you have heard, and
then I permit my daughters to laugh decorously;
but they are never allowed to make a joke
themselves."
"That old bachelor who made the rules ought
to be skinned alive!" declared Scraps, and would
have said more on the subject had not the door
opened to admit a little Horner man whom the
Chief introduced as Diksey.
"What's up, Chief?" asked Diksey, winking
nineteen times at the nineteen girls, who demurely
cast down their eyes because their father was
looking.
The Chief told the man that his joke had not
been understood by the dull Hoppers, who had
become so angry that they had declared war. So the
only way to avoid a terrible battle was to explain
the joke so they could understand it.
"All right," replied Diksey, who seemed a good-
natured man; "I'll go at once to the fence and
explain. I don't want any war with the Hoppers,
for wars between nations always cause hard
feelings."
So the Chief and Diksey and Scraps left the
house and went back to the marble picket fence.
The Scarecrow was still stuck on the top of his
picket but had now ceased to struggle. On the
other side of the fence were Dorothy and Ojo,
looking between the pickets; and there, also,
were the Champion and many other Hoppers.
Diksey went close to the fence and said:
"My good Hoppers, I wish to explain that
what I said about you was a joke. You have but
one leg each, and we have two legs each. Our
legs are under us, whether one or two, and we
stand on them. So, when I said you had less
understanding than we, I did not mean that you
had less understanding, you understand, but
that you had less standundering, so to speak.
Do you understand that?"
The Hoppers thought it over carefully. Then one
said:
"That is clear enough; but where does the joke
come in?'"
Dorothy laughed, for she couldn't help it,
although all the others were solemn enough.
"I'll tell you where the joke comes in," she
said, and took the Hoppers away to a distance,
where the Horners could not hear them. "You know,"
she then explained, "those neighbors of yours are
not very bright, poor things, and what they think
is a joke isn't a joke at all--it's true, don't
you see?"
"True that we have less understanding?" asked
the Champion.
"Yes; it's true because you don't understand
such a poor joke; if you did, you'd be no wiser
than they are."
"Ah, yes; of course," they answered, looking
very wise.
"So I'll tell you what to do," continued
Dorothy. "Laugh at their poor joke and tell 'em
it's pretty good for a Horner. Then they won't
dare say you have less understanding, because you
understand as much as they do."
The Hoppers looked at one another questioningly
and blinked their eyes and tried to think what it
all meant; but they couldn't figure it out.
"What do you think, Champion?" asked one of
them.
"I think it is dangerous to think of this thing
any more than we can help," he replied. "Let us do
as this girl says and laugh with the Horners, so
as to make them believe we see the joke. Then
there will be peace again and no need to fight."
They readily agreed to this and returned to
the fence laughing as loud and as hard as they
could, although they didn't feel like laughing
a bit. The Horners were much surprised.
"That's a fine joke--for a Horner--and we are
much pleased with it," said the Champion, speaking
between the pickets. "But please don't do it
again."
"I won't," promised Diksey. "If I think of
another such joke I'll try to forget it."
"Good!" cried the Chief Horner. "The war is over
and peace is declared."
There was much joyful shouting on both sides of
the fence and the gate was unlocked and thrown
wide open, so that Scraps was able to rejoin her
friends.
"What about the Scarecrow?" she asked Dorothy.
"We must get him down, somehow or other," was
the reply.
"Perhaps the Horners can find a way," suggested
Ojo. So they all went through the gate and Dorothy
asked the Chief Horner how they could get the
Scarecrow off the fence. The Chief didn't know
how, but Diksey said:
"A ladder's the thing."
"Have you one?" asked Dorothy.
"To be sure. We use ladders in our mines,"
said he. Then he ran away to get the ladder,
and while he was gone the Horners gathered
around and welcomed the strangers to their
country, for through them a great war had been
avoided.
In a little while Diksey came back with a
tall ladder which he placed against the fence. Ojo
at once climbed to the top of the ladder and
Dorothy went about halfway up and Scraps stood at
the foot of it. Toto ran around it and barked.
Then Ojo pulled the Scarecrow away from the picket
and passed him down to Dorothy, who in turn
lowered him to the Patchwork Girl.
As soon as he was on his feet and standing
on solid ground the Scarecrow said:
"Much obliged. I feel much better. I'm not
stuck on that picket any more."
The Horners began to laugh, thinking this
was a joke, but the Scarecrow shook himself and
patted his straw a little and said to Dorothy:
"Is there much of a hole in my back?"
The little girl examined him carefully.
"There's quite a hole," she said. "But I've got
a needle and thread in the knapsack and I'll sew
you up again."
"Do so," he begged earnestly, and again the
Hoppers laughed, to the Scarecrow's great
annoyance.
While Dorothy was sewing up the hole in
the straw man's back Scraps examined the other
parts of him.
"One of his legs is ripped, too!" she exclaimed.
"Oho!" cried little Diksey; "that's bad. Give
him the needle and thread and let him mend
his ways."
"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the Chief, and the
other Horners at once roared with laughter.
"What's funny?" inquired the Scarecrow sternly.
"Don't you see?" asked Diksey, who had
laughed even harder than the others. "That's a
joke. It's by odds the best joke I ever made.
You walk with your legs, and so that's the way
you walk, and your legs are the ways. See? So,
when you mend your legs, you mend your ways.
Ho, ho, ho! hee, hee! I'd no idea I could make
such a fine joke!"
"Just wonderful!" echoed the Chief. "How do you
manage to do it, Diksey?"
"I don't know," said Diksey modestly. "Perhaps
it's the radium, but I rather think it's my
splendid intellect."
"If you don't quit it," the Scarecrow told him,
"there'll be a worse war than the one you've
escaped from."
Ojo had been deep in thought, and now he
asked the Chief: "Is there a dark well in any
part of your country?"
"A dark well? None that ever I heard of," was
the answer.
"Oh, yes," said Diksey, who overheard the
boy's question. "There's a very dark well down
in my radium mine."
"Is there any water in it?" Ojo eagerly asked.
"Can't say; I've never looked to see. But we
can find out."
So, as soon as the Scarecrow was mended,
they decided to go with Diksey to the mine.
When Dorothy had patted the straw man into
shape again he declared he felt as good as new
and equal to further adventures.
"Still," said he, "I prefer not to do picket
duty again. High life doesn't seem to agree with
my constitution." And then they hurried away
to escape the laughter of the Horners, who
thought this was another joke.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ojo Finds the Dark Well
They now followed Diksey to the farther end of
the great cave, beyond the Horner city, where
there were several round, dark holes leading into
the ground in a slanting direction. Diksey went to
one of these holes and said:
"Here is the mine in which lies the dark well
you are seeking. Follow me and step carefully and
I'll lead you to the place."
He went in first and after him came Ojo, and
then Dorothy, with the Scarecrow behind her.
The Patchwork Girl entered last of all, for Toto
kept close beside his little mistress.
A few steps beyond the mouth of the opening it
was pitch dark. "You won't lose your way, though,"
said the Horner, "for there's only one way to go.
The mine's mine and I know every step of the way.
How's that for a joke, eh? The mine's mine." Then
he chuckled gleefully as they followed him
silently down the steep slant. The hole was just
big enough to permit them to walk upright,
although the Scarecrow, being much the taller of
the party, often had to bend his head to keep from
hitting the top.
The floor of the tunnel was difficult to walk
upon because it had been worn smooth as glass, and
pretty soon Scraps, who was some distance behind
the others, slipped and fell head foremost. At
once she began to slide downward, so swiftly that
when she came to the Scarecrow she knocked him off
his feet and sent him tumbling against Dorothy,
who tripped up Ojo. The boy fell against the
Horner, so that all went tumbling down the slide
in a regular mix-up, unable to see where they were
going because of the darkness.
Fortunately, when they reached the bottom the
Scarecrow and Scraps were in front, and the others
bumped against them, so that no one was hurt. They
found themselves in a vast cave which was dimly
lighted by the tiny grains of radium that lay
scattered among the loose rocks.
"Now," said Diksey, when they had all regained
their feet, "I will show you where the dark well
is. This is a big place, but if we hold fast to
each other we won't get lost."
They took hold of hands and the Horner led
them into a dark corner, where he halted.
"Be careful," said he warningly. "The well is
at your feet."
"All right," replied Ojo, and kneeling down
he felt in the well with his hand and found
that it contained a quantity of water. "Where's
the gold flask, Dorothy?" he asked, and the
little girl handed him the flask, which she had
brought with her.
Ojo knelt again and by feeling carefully in
the dark managed to fill the flask with the
unseen water that was in the well. Then he
screwed the top of the flask firmly in place and
put the precious water in his pocket.
"All right!" he said again, in a glad voice;
"now we can go back."
They returned to the mouth of the tunnel and
began to creep cautiously up the incline. This
time they made Scraps stay behind, for fear she
would slip again; but they all managed to get up
in safety and the Munchkin boy was very happy when
he stood in the Horner city and realized that the
water from the dark well, which he and his friends
had traveled so far to secure, was safe in his
jacket pocket.
Chapter Twenty-Five
They Bribe the Lazy Quadling
"Now," said Dorothy, as they stood on the mountain
path, having left behind them the cave in which
dwelt the Hoppers and the Horners, "I think we
must find a road into the Country of the Winkies,
for there is where Ojo wants to go next."
"Is there such a road?" asked the Scarecrow.
"I don't know," she replied. "I s'pose we can go
back the way we came, to Jack Pumpkinhead's house,
and then turn into the Winkie Country; but that
seems like running 'round a haystack, doesn't it?"
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