Lavengro

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"'I don't care for you, old Mumbo Jumbo, though you have fetish!'

"I can scarcely tell you what occurred for some time. I have a dim
recollection that hands were laid upon me, and that I struck out
violently left and right. On coming to myself, I was seated on a stone
bench in a large room, something like a guard-room, in the custody of
certain fellows dressed like Merry Andrews; they were bluff,
good-looking, wholesome fellows, very different from the sallow Italians;
they were looking at me attentively, and occasionally talking to each
other in a language which sounded very like the cracking of walnuts in
the mouth, very different from cooing Italian. At last one of them asked
me in Italian what had ailed me, to which I replied, in an incoherent
manner, something about Mumbo Jumbo; whereupon the fellow, one of the
bluffest of the lot, a jovial rosy-faced rascal, lifted up his right
hand, placing it in such a manner that the lips were between the
forefinger and thumb, then lifting up his right foot and drawing back his
head, he sucked in his breath with a hissing sound, as if to imitate one
drinking a hearty draught, and then slapped me on the shoulder, saying
something which sounded like goot wine, goot companion, whereupon they
all laughed, exclaiming, ya, ya, goot companion. And now hurried into
the room our poor old governor, with the red-haired priest; the first
asked what could have induced me to behave in such a manner in such a
place, to which I replied that I was not going to bow down to Mumbo
Jumbo, whatever other people might do. Whereupon my master said he
believed I was mad, and the priest said he believed I was drunk; to which
I answered that I was neither so mad nor drunk but I could distinguish
how the wind lay. Whereupon they left me, and in a little time I was
told by the bluff-looking Merry Andrews I was at liberty to depart. I
believe the priest, in order to please my governor, interceded for me in
high quarters.

"But one good resulted from this affair; there was no presentation of our
family to the Holy Father, for old Mumbo was so frightened by my
outrageous looks that he was laid up for a week, as I was afterwards
informed.

"I went home, and had scarcely been there half an hour when I was sent
for by the governor, who again referred to the scene in church, said that
he could not tolerate such scandalous behaviour, and that unless I
promised to be more circumspect in future, he should be compelled to
discharge me. I said that if he was scandalized at my behaviour in the
church, I was more scandalized at all I saw going on in the family, which
was governed by two rascally priests, who, not content with plundering
him, appeared bent on hurrying the souls of us all to destruction; and
that with respect to discharging me, he could do so that moment, as I
wished to go. I believe his own reason told him that I was right, for he
made no direct answer; but, after looking on the ground for some time, he
told me to leave him. As he did not tell me to leave the house, I went
to my room, intending to lie down for an hour or two; but scarcely was I
there when the door opened, and in came the red-haired priest. He showed
himself, as he always did, perfectly civil, asked me how I was, took a
chair and sat down. After a hem or two he entered into a long
conversation on the excellence of what he called the Catholic religion;
told me that he hoped I would not set myself against the light, and
likewise against my interest; for that the family were about to embrace
the Catholic religion, and would make it worth my while to follow their
example. I told him that the family might do what they pleased, but that
I would never forsake the religion of my country for any consideration
whatever; that I was nothing but a poor servant, but I was not to be
bought by base gold. 'I admire your honourable feelings,' said he; 'you
shall have no gold; and as I see you are a fellow of spirit, and do not
like being a servant, for which I commend you, I can promise you
something better. I have a good deal of influence in this place; and if
you will not set your face against the light, but embrace the Catholic
religion, I will undertake to make your fortune. You remember those fine
fellows to-day who took you into custody, they are the guards of his
Holiness. I have no doubt that I have interest enough to procure your
enrolment amongst them.' 'What,' said I, 'become swash-buckler to Mumbo
Jumbo up here! May I'--and here I swore--'if I do. The mere possibility
of one of their children being swash-buckler to Mumbo Jumbo on the high
Barbary shore has always been a source of heart-breaking to my poor
parents. What, then, would they not undergo if they knew for certain
that their other child was swash-buckler to Mumbo Jumbo up here?'
Thereupon he asked me, even as you did some time ago, what I meant by
Mumbo Jumbo? And I told him all I had heard about the Mumbo Jumbo of the
high Barbary shore; telling him that I had no doubt that the old fellow
up here was his brother, or nearly related to him. The man with the red
hair listened with the greatest attention to all I said, and when I had
concluded, he got up, nodded to me, and moved to the door; ere he reached
the door I saw his shoulders shaking, and as he closed it behind him I
heard him distinctly laughing, to the tune of--he! he! he!

"But now matters began to mend. That same evening my young master
unexpectedly arrived. I believe he soon perceived that something
extraordinary had been going on in the family. He was for some time
closeted with the governor, with whom, I believe, he had a dispute; for
my fellow-servant, the ladies' maid, informed me that she heard high
words.

"Rather late at night the young gentleman sent for me into his room, and
asked me various questions with respect to what had been going on, and my
behaviour in the church, of which he had heard something. I told him all
I knew with respect to the intrigues of the two priests in the family,
and gave him a circumstantial account of all that had occurred in the
church; adding that, under similar circumstances, I was ready to play the
same part over again. Instead of blaming me, he commended my behaviour,
told me I was a fine fellow, and said he hoped that if he wanted my
assistance, I would stand by him; this I promised to do. Before I left
him, he entreated me to inform him the very next time I saw the priests
entering the house.

"The next morning, as I was in the court-yard, where I had placed myself
to watch, I saw the two enter and make their way up a private stair to
the young ladies' apartment; they were attended by a man dressed
something like a priest, who bore a large box; I instantly ran to relate
what I had seen to my young master. I found him shaving. 'I will just
finish what I am about,' said he, 'and then wait upon these gentlemen.'
He finished what he was about with great deliberation; then taking a
horsewhip, and bidding me follow him, he proceeded at once to the door of
his sisters' apartment; finding it fastened, he burst it open at once
with his foot, and entered, followed by myself. There we beheld the two
unfortunate young ladies down on their knees before a large female doll,
dressed up, as usual, in rags and tinsel; the two priests were standing
near, one on either side, with their hands uplifted, whilst the fellow
who brought the trumpery stood a little way down the private stair, the
door of which stood open; without a moment's hesitation, my young master
rushed forward, gave the image a cut or two with his horsewhip--then
flying at the priests, he gave them a sound flogging, kicked them down
the private stair, and spurned the man, box and image after them--then
locking the door, he gave his sisters a fine sermon, in which he
represented to them their folly in worshipping a silly wooden graven
image, which, though it had eyes, could see not; though it had ears,
could hear not; though it had hands, could not help itself; and though it
had feet, could not move about unless it were carried. Oh, it was a fine
sermon that my young master preached, and sorry I am that the Father of
the Fetish, old Mumbo, did not hear it. The elder sister looked ashamed,
but the youngest, who was very weak, did nothing but wring her hands,
weep and bewail the injury which had been done to the dear image. The
young man, however, without paying much regard to either of them, went to
his father, with whom he had a long conversation, which terminated in the
old governor giving orders for preparations to be made for the family's
leaving Rome and returning to England. I believe that the old governor
was glad of his son's arrival, and rejoiced at the idea of getting away
from Italy, where he had been so plundered and imposed upon. The
priests, however, made another attempt upon the poor young ladies. By
the connivance of the female servant who was in their interest, they
found their way once more into their apartment, bringing with them the
fetish image, whose body they partly stripped, exhibiting upon it certain
sanguine marks which they had daubed upon it with red paint, but which
they said were the result of the lashes which it had received from the
horsewhip. The youngest girl believed all they said, and kissed and
embraced the dear image; but the eldest, whose eyes had been opened by
her brother, to whom she was much attached, behaved with proper dignity;
for, going to the door, she called the female servant who had a respect
for me, and in her presence reproached the two deceivers for their
various impudent cheats, and especially for this their last attempt at
imposition; adding that if they did not forthwith withdraw and rid her
sister and herself of their presence, she would send word by her maid to
her brother, who would presently take effectual means to expel them. They
took the hint and departed, and we saw no more of them.

"At the end of three days we departed from Rome, but the maid whom the
Priests had cajoled remained behind, and it is probable that the youngest
of our ladies would have done the same thing if she could have had her
own will, for she was continually raving about her image, and saying, she
should wish to live with it in a convent; but we watched the poor thing,
and got her on board ship. Oh, glad was I to leave that fetish country
and old Mumbo behind me!"

CHAPTER C.

Nothing but Gloom--Sporting Character--Gouty Tory--Servants'
Club--Politics--Reformado Footman--Peroration--Good Night.

"We arrived in England, and went to our country seat, but the peace and
tranquillity of the family had been marred, and I no longer found my
place the pleasant one which it had formerly been; there was nothing but
gloom in the house, for the youngest daughter exhibited signs of lunacy,
and was obliged to be kept under confinement. The next season I attended
my master, his son, and eldest daughter to London, as I had previously
done. There I left them, for hearing that a young baronet, an
acquaintance of the family, wanted a servant, I applied for the place,
with the consent of my masters, both of whom gave me a strong
recommendation; and, being approved of, I went to live with him.

"My new master was what is called a sporting character, very fond of the
turf, upon which he was not very fortunate. He was frequently very much
in want of money, and my wages were anything but regularly paid;
nevertheless, I liked him very much, for he treated me more like a friend
than a domestic, continually consulting me as to his affairs. At length
he was brought nearly to his last shifts, by backing the favourite at the
Derby, which favourite turned out a regular brute, being found nowhere at
the rush. Whereupon, he and I had a solemn consultation over fourteen
glasses of brandy and water, and as many cigars--I mean, between us--as
to what was to be done. He wished to start a coach, in which event he
was to be driver, and I guard. He was quite competent to drive a coach,
being a first-rate whip, and I dare say I should have made a first-rate
guard; but to start a coach requires money, and we neither of us believed
that anybody would trust us with vehicles and horses, so that idea was
laid aside. We then debated as to whether or not he should go into the
Church; but to go into the Church--at any rate to become a dean or
bishop, which would have been our aim--it is necessary for a man to
possess some education; and my master, although he had been at the best
school in England, that is, the most expensive, and also at College, was
almost totally illiterate, so we let the Church scheme follow that of the
coach. At last, bethinking me that he was tolerably glib at the tongue,
as most people are who are addicted to the turf, also a great master of
slang, remembering also that he had a crabbed old uncle, who had some
borough interest, I proposed that he should get into the House, promising
in one fortnight to qualify him to make a figure in it, by certain
lessons which I would give him. He consented; and during the next
fortnight I did little else than give him lessons in elocution, following
to a tittle the method of the great professor, which I had picked up,
listening behind the door. At the end of that period, we paid a visit to
his relation, an old gouty Tory, who, at first, received us very coolly.
My master, however, by flattering a predilection of his for Billy Pitt,
soon won his affections so much, that he promised to bring him into
Parliament; and in less than a month was as good as his word. My master,
partly by his own qualifications, and the assistance which he had
derived, and still occasionally derived, from me, cut a wonderful figure
in the House, and was speedily considered one of the most promising
speakers; he was always a good hand at promising--he is, at present, I
believe, a Cabinet minister.

"But as he got up in the world, he began to look down on me. I believe
he was ashamed of the obligation under which he lay to me; and at last,
requiring no further hints as to oratory from a poor servant like me, he
took an opportunity of quarrelling with me and discharging me. However,
as he had still some grace, he recommended me to a gentleman with whom,
since he had attached himself to politics, he had formed an acquaintance,
the editor of a grand Tory Review. I lost caste terribly amongst the
servants for entering the service of a person connected with a profession
so mean as literature; and it was proposed at the Servants' Club, in Park
Lane, to eject me from that society. The proposition, however, was not
carried into effect, and I was permitted to show myself among them,
though few condescended to take much notice of me. My master was one of
the best men in the world, but also one of the most sensitive. On his
veracity being impugned by the editor of a newspaper, he called him out,
and shot him through the arm. Though servants are seldom admirers of
their masters, I was a great admirer of mine, and eager to follow his
example. The day after the encounter, on my veracity being impugned by
the servant of Lord C--- in something I said in praise of my master, I
determined to call him out; so I went into another room and wrote a
challenge. But whom should I send it by? Several servants to whom I
applied refused to be the bearers of it; they said I had lost caste, and
they could not think of going out with me. At length the servant of the
Duke of B--- consented to take it; but he made me to understand that,
though he went out with me, he did so merely because he despised the
Whiggish principles of Lord C---'s servant, and that if I thought he
intended to associate with me, I should be mistaken. Politics, I must
tell you, at that time ran as high amongst the servants as the gentlemen,
the servants, however, being almost invariably opposed to the politics of
their respective masters, though both parties agreed in one point, the
scouting of everything low and literary, though I think, of the two, the
liberal or reform party were the most inveterate. So he took my
challenge, which was accepted; we went out, Lord C---'s servant being
seconded by a reformado footman from the palace. We fired three times
without effect; but this affair lost me my place; my master on hearing it
forthwith discharged me; he was, as I have said before, very sensitive,
and he said this duel of mine was a parody of his own. Being, however,
one of the best men in the world, on his discharging me he made me a
donation of twenty pounds.

"And it was well that he made me this present, for without it I should
have been penniless, having contracted rather expensive habits during the
time that I lived with the young baronet. I now determined to visit my
parents, whom I had not seen for years. I found them in good health,
and, after staying with them for two months, I returned again in the
direction of town, walking, in order to see the country. On the second
day of my journey, not being used to such fatigue, I fell ill at a great
inn on the north road, and there I continued for some weeks till I
recovered, but by that time my money was entirely spent. By living at
the inn I had contracted an acquaintance with the master and the people,
and become accustomed to inn life. As I thought that I might find some
difficulty in procuring any desirable situation in London, owing to my
late connection with literature, I determined to remain where I was,
provided my services would be accepted. I offered them to the master,
who, finding I knew something of horses, engaged me as a postillion. I
have remained there since. You have now heard my story.

"Stay, you sha'n't say that I told my tale without a per--peroration.
What shall it be? Oh, I remember something which will serve for one. As
I was driving my chaise some weeks ago I saw standing at the gate of an
avenue, which led up to an old mansion, a figure which I thought I
recognised. I looked at it attentively, and the figure, as I passed,
looked at me; whether it remembered me I do not know, but I recognised
the face it showed me full well.

"If it was not the identical face of the red-haired priest whom I had
seen at Rome, may I catch cold!

"Young gentleman, I will now take a spell on your blanket--young lady,
good night."

THE END.

SOME OPINIONS.

"The death of his father as told in the last chapter of _Lavengro_. Is
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