Lavengro

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The landlord struck the table before him violently with his fist.
"Confound my reputation!" said he. "No reputation that I have will be
satisfaction to my brewer for the seventy pounds I owe him. Reputation
won't pass for the current coin of this here realm; and let me tell you,
that if it a'n't backed by some of it, it a'n't a bit better than rotten
cabbage, as I have found. Only three weeks since I was, as I told you,
the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood; and people used to come and
look at me, and worship me, but as soon as it began to be whispered about
that I owed money to the brewer, they presently left off all that kind of
thing; and now, during the last three days, since the tale of my
misfortune with the cocks has got wind, almost everybody has left off
coming to the house, and the few who does, merely comes to insult and
flout me. It was only last night that fellow, Hunter, called me an old
fool in my own kitchen here. He wouldn't have called me a fool a
fortnight ago; 'twas I called him fool then, and last night he called me
old fool; what do you think of that? the man that beat Tom, of Hopton, to
be called, not only a fool, but an old fool; and I hadn't heart, with one
blow of this here fist into his face, to send his head ringing against
the wall; for when a man's pocket is low, do you see, his heart a'n't
much higher; but it is of no use talking, something must be done. I was
thinking of you just as you came in, for you are just the person that can
help me."

"If you mean," said I, "to ask me to lend you the money which you want,
it will be to no purpose, as I have very little of my own, just enough
for my own occasions; it is true, if you desired it, I would be your
intercessor with the person to whom you owe the money, though I should
hardly imagine that anything I could say--" "You are right there," said
the landlord, "much the brewer would care for anything you could say on
my behalf--your going would be the very way to do me up entirely. A
pretty opinion he would have of the state of my affairs if I were to send
him such a 'cessor as you, and as for your lending me money, don't think
I was ever fool enough to suppose either that you had any, or if you had
that you would be fool enough to lend me any. No, no, the coves of the
ring knows better, I have been in the ring myself, and knows what a
fighting cove is, and though I was fool enough to back those birds, I was
never quite fool enough to lend anybody money. What I am about to
propose is something very different from going to my landlord, or lending
any capital; something which, though it will put money into my pocket,
will likewise put something handsome into your own. I want to get up a
fight in this here neighbourhood, which would be sure to bring plenty of
people to my house, for a week before and after it takes place, and as
people can't come without drinking, I think I could, during one
fortnight, get off for the brewer all the sour and unsaleable liquids he
now has, which people wouldn't drink at any other time, and by that
means, do you see, liquidate my debt; then, by means of betting, making
first all right, do you see, I have no doubt that I could put something
handsome into my pocket and yours, for I should wish you to be the
fighting man, as I think I can depend upon you." "You really must excuse
me," said I, "I have no wish to figure as a pugilist, besides there is
such a difference in our ages; you may be the stronger man of the two,
and perhaps the hardest hitter, but I am in much better condition, am
more active on my legs, so that I am almost sure I should have the
advantage, for, as you very properly observed, 'Youth will be served.'"
"Oh, I didn't mean to fight," said the landlord, "I think I could beat
you if I were to train a little; but in the fight I propose I looks more
to the main chance than anything else. I question whether half so many
people could be brought together if you were to fight with me as the
person I have in view, or whether there would be half such opportunities
for betting, for I am a man, do you see, the person I wants you to fight
with is not a man, but the young woman you keeps company with."

"The young woman I keep company with," said I, "pray what do you mean?"

"We will go into the bar, and have something," said the landlord, getting
up. "My niece is out, and there is no one in the house, so we can talk
the matter over quietly." Thereupon I followed him into the bar, where,
having drawn me a jug of ale, helped himself as usual to a glass of
sherry, and lighted a cigar, he proceeded to explain himself farther.
"What I wants, is to get up a fight between a man and a woman; there
never has yet been such a thing in the ring, and the mere noise of the
matter would bring thousands of people together, quite enough to drink
out, for the thing should be close to my house, all the brewer's stock of
liquids, both good and bad." "But," said I, "you were the other day
boasting of the respectability of your house; do you think that a fight
between a man and a woman close to your establishment would add to its
respectability?" "Confound the respectability of my house," said the
landlord, "will the respectability of my house pay the brewer, or keep
the roof over my head? No, no! when respectability won't keep a man, do
you see, the best thing is to let it go and wander. Only let me have my
own way, and both the brewer, myself, and every one of us, will be
satisfied. And then the betting--what a deal we may make by the
betting--and that we shall have all to ourselves, you, I, and the young
woman; the brewer will have no hand in that. I can manage to raise ten
pounds, and if by flashing that about, I don't manage to make a hundred,
call me horse." "But, suppose," said I, "the party should lose, on whom
you sport your money, even as the birds did?" "We must first make all
right," said the landlord, "as I told you before; the birds were
irrational beings, and therefore couldn't come to an understanding with
the others, as you and the young woman can. The birds fought fair; but I
intend that you and the young woman should fight cross." "What do you
mean by cross?" said I. "Come, come," said the landlord, "don't attempt
to gammon me; you in the ring, and pretend not to know what fighting
cross is. That won't do, my fine fellow; but as no one is near us, I
will speak out. I intend that you and the young woman should understand
one another and agree beforehand which should be beat; and if you take my
advice you will determine between you that the young woman shall be beat,
as I am sure that the odds will run high upon her, her character as a
fist woman being spread far and wide, so that all the flats who think it
will be all right, will back her, as I myself would, if I thought it
would be a fair thing." "Then," said I, "you would not have us fight
fair?" "By no means," said the landlord, "because why? I conceives that
a cross is a certainty to those who are in it, whereas by the fair thing
one may lose all he has." "But," said I, "you said the other day, that
you liked the fair thing." "That was by way of gammon," said the
landlord; "just, do you see, as a Parliament cove might say, speechifying
from a barrel to a set of flats, whom he means to sell. Come, what do
you think of the plan?"

"It is a very ingenious one," said I.

"A'n't it?" said the landlord. "The folks in this neighbourhood are
beginning to call me old fool, but if they don't call me something else,
when they sees me friends with the brewer, and money in my pocket, my
name is not Catchpole. Come, drink your ale, and go home to the young
gentlewoman."

"I am going," said I, rising from my seat, after finishing the remainder
of the ale.

"Do you think she'll have any objection?" said the landlord.

"To do what?" said I.

"Why, to fight cross."

"Yes, I do," said I.

"But you will do your best to persuade her?"

"No, I will not," said I.

"Are you fool enough to wish to fight fair?"

"No!" said I, "I am wise enough to wish not to fight at all."

"And how's my brewer to be paid?" said the landlord.

"I really don't know," said I.

"I'll change my religion," said the landlord.

CHAPTER XCIII.

Another Visit--_A la Margutte_--Clever Man--Napoleon's Estimate--Another
Statue.

One evening Belle and myself received another visit from the man in
black. After a little conversation of not much importance, I asked him
whether he would not take some refreshment, assuring him that I was now
in possession of some very excellent Hollands which, with a glass, a jug
of water, and a lump of sugar, were heartily at his service; he accepted
my offer, and Belle going with a jug to the spring, from which she was in
the habit of procuring water for tea, speedily returned with it full of
the clear, delicious water of which I have already spoken. Having placed
the jug by the side of the man in black, she brought him a glass and
spoon, and a tea-cup, the latter containing various lumps of snowy-white
sugar: in the meantime I had produced a bottle of the stronger liquid.
The man in black helped himself to some water, and likewise to some
Hollands, the proportion of water being about two-thirds; then adding a
lump of sugar, he stirred the whole up, tasted it, and said that it was
good.

"This is one of the good things of life," he added, after a short pause.

"What are the others?" I demanded.

"There is Malvoisia sack," said the man in black, "and partridge, and
beccafico."

"And what do you say to high mass?" said I.

"High mass!" said the man in black; "however," he continued, after a
pause, "I will be frank with you; I came to be so; I may have heard high
mass on a time, and said it too; but as for any predilection for it, I
assure you I have no more than for a long High Church sermon."

"You speak _a la Margutte_," said I.

"Margutte!" said the man in black, musingly, "Margutte!"

"You have read Pulci, I suppose?" said I.

"Yes, yes," said the man in black, laughing; "I remember."

"He might be rendered into English," said I, "something in this style:--

'To which Margutte answered with a sneer,
I like the blue no better than the black,
My faith consists alone in savoury cheer,
In roasted capons, and in potent sack;
But above all, in famous gin and clear,
Which often lays the Briton on his back,
With lump of sugar, and with lympth from well,
I drink it, and defy the fiends of hell.'"

"He! he! he!" said the man in black; "that is more than Mezzofante could
have done for a stanza of Byron."

"A clever man," said I.

"Who?" said the man in black.

"Mezzofante di Bologna."

"He! he! he!" said the man in black; "now I know that you are not a
Gypsy, at least a soothsayer; no soothsayer would have said that--"

"Why," said I, "does he not understand five-and-twenty tongues?"

"O yes," said the man in black; "and five-and-twenty added to them;
but--he! he! he! it was principally from him who is certainly the
greatest of Philologists that I formed my opinion of the sect."

"You ought to speak of him with more respect," said I; "I have heard say
that he has done good service to your See."

"O, yes," said the man in black; "he has done good service to our See,
that is, in his way; when the neophytes of the propaganda are to be
examined in the several tongues in which they are destined to preach, he
is appointed to question them, the questions being first written down for
him, or else, he! he! he! Of course you know Napoleon's estimate of
Mezzofante; he sent for the linguist from motives of curiosity, and after
some discourse with him, told him that he might depart; then turning to
some of his generals, he observed, '_Nous avons eu ici un exemple qu'un
homme peut avoir beaucoup de paroles avec bien peu d'esprit_.'"

"You are ungrateful to him," said I; "well, perhaps, when he is dead and
gone you will do him justice."

"True," said the man in black; "when he is dead and gone we intend to
erect him a statue of wood, on the left-hand side of the door of the
Vatican library."

"Of wood?" said I.

"He was the son of a carpenter, you know," said the man in black; "the
figure will be of wood, for no other reason, I assure you; he! he!"

"You should place another statue on the right."

"Perhaps we shall," said the man in black; "but we know of no one amongst
the philologists of Italy, nor, indeed, of the other countries, inhabited
by the faithful, worthy to sit parallel in effigy with our illustrissimo;
when, indeed, we have conquered those regions of the perfidious by
bringing the inhabitants thereof to the true faith, I have no doubt that
we shall be able to select one worthy to bear him company, one whose
statue shall be placed on the right hand of the library, in testimony of
our joy at his conversion; for, as you know, 'There is more joy,' etc."

"Wood?" said I.

"I hope not," said the man in black; "no, if I be consulted as to the
material for the statue, I should strongly recommend bronze."

And when the man in black had said this, he emptied his second tumbler of
its contents, and prepared himself another.

CHAPTER XCIV.

Prerogative--Feeling of Gratitude--A Long History--Alliterative
Style--Advantageous Specimen--Jesuit Benefice--Not Sufficient--Queen
Stork's Tragedy--Good Sense--Grandeur and Gentility--Ironmonger's
Daughter--Clan Mac-Sycophant--Lick-Spittles--A Curiosity--Newspaper
Editors--Charles the Simple--High-flying Ditty--Dissenters--Lower
Classes--Priestley's House--Saxon Ancestors--Austin--Renovating
Glass--Money--Quite Original.

"So you hope to bring these regions again beneath the banner of the Roman
See?" said I; after the man in black had prepared the beverage, and
tasted it.

"Hope," said the man in black; "how can we fail? Is not the Church of
these regions going to lose its prerogative?"

"Its prerogative?"

"Yes; those who should be the guardians of the religion of England are
about to grant Papists emancipation and to remove the disabilities from
Dissenters, which will allow the Holy Father to play his own game in
England."

On my inquiring how the Holy Father intended to play his game, the man in
black gave me to understand that he intended for the present to cover the
land with temples, in which the religion of Protestants would be
continually scoffed at and reviled.

On my observing that such behaviour would savour strongly of ingratitude,
the man in black gave me to understand that if I entertained the idea
that the See of Rome was ever influenced in its actions by any feeling of
gratitude I was much mistaken, assuring me that if the See of Rome in any
encounter should chance to be disarmed and its adversary, from a feeling
of magnanimity, should restore the sword which had been knocked out of
its hand, the See of Rome always endeavoured on the first opportunity to
plunge the said sword into its adversary's bosom,--conduct which the man
in black seemed to think was very wise, and which he assured me had
already enabled it to get rid of a great many troublesome adversaries,
and would, he had no doubt, enable it to get rid of a great many more.

On my attempting to argue against the propriety of such behaviour, the
man in black cut the matter short, by saying, that if one party was a
fool he saw no reason why the other should imitate it in its folly.

After musing a little while I told him that emancipation had not yet
passed through the legislature, and that perhaps it never would,
reminding him that there was often many a slip between the cup and the
lip; to which observation the man in black agreed, assuring me, however,
that there was no doubt that emancipation would be carried, inasmuch as
there was a very loud cry at present in the land; a cry of "tolerance,"
which had almost frightened the Government out of its wits; who, to get
rid of the cry, was going to grant all that was asked in the way of
toleration, instead of telling the people to "Hold their nonsense," and
cutting them down, provided they continued bawling longer.

I questioned the man in black with respect to the origin of this cry; but
he said to trace it to its origin would require a long history; that, at
any rate, such a cry was in existence, the chief raisers of it being
certain of the nobility, called Whigs, who hoped by means of it to get
into power, and to turn out certain ancient adversaries of theirs called
Tories, who were for letting things remain in _statu quo_; that these
Whigs were backed by a party amongst the people called Radicals, a
specimen of whom I had seen in the public-house; a set of fellows who
were always in the habit of bawling against those in place; "and so," he
added, "by means of these parties, and the hubbub which the Papists and
other smaller sects are making, a general emancipation will be carried,
and the Church of England humbled, which is the principal thing which the
See of Rome cares for."

On my telling the man in black that I believed that even among the high
dignitaries of the English Church there were many who wished to grant
perfect freedom to religions of all descriptions, he said he was aware
that such was the fact, and that such a wish was anything but wise,
inasmuch as if they had any regard for the religion they professed, they
ought to stand by it through thick and thin, proclaiming it to be the
only true one, and denouncing all others, in an alliterative style, as
dangerous and damnable; whereas, by their present conduct, they were
bringing their religion into contempt with the people at large, who would
never continue long attached to a Church, the ministers of which did not
stand up for it, and likewise cause their own brethren, who had a clearer
notion of things, to be ashamed of belonging to it. "I speak advisedly,"
said he, in continuation, "there is one Platitude."

"And I hope there is only one," said I; "you surely would not adduce the
likes and dislikes of that poor silly fellow as the criterions of the
opinions of any party?"

"You know him," said the man in black; "nay, I, heard you mention him in
the public-house; the fellow is not very wise, I admit, but he has sense
enough to know, that unless a Church can make people hold their tongues
when it thinks fit, it is scarcely deserving the name of a Church; no, I
think that the fellow is not such a very bad stick, and that upon the
whole he is, or rather was, an advantageous specimen of the High Church
English clergy, who, for the most part, so far from troubling their heads
about persecuting people, only think of securing their tithes, eating
their heavy dinners, puffing out their cheeks with importance on country
justice benches, and occasionally exhibiting their conceited wives,
hoyden daughters, and gawky sons at country balls, whereas Platitude--"

"Stop," said I; "you said in the public-house that the Church of England
was a persecuting Church, and here in the dingle you have confessed that
one section of it is willing to grant perfect freedom to the exercise of
all religions, and the other only thinks of leading an easy life."

"Saying a thing in the public-house is a widely-different thing from
saying it in the dingle," said the man in black; "had the Church of
England been a persecuting Church, it would not stand in the position in
which it stands at present; it might, with its opportunities, have spread
itself over the greater part of the world. I was about to observe, that
instead of practising the indolent habits of his High Church brethren,
Platitude would be working for his money, preaching the proper use of
fire and faggot, or rather of the halter and the whipping-post,
encouraging mobs to attack the houses of Dissenters, employing spies to
collect the scandal of neighbourhoods, in order that he might use it for
sacerdotal purposes, and, in fact, endeavouring to turn an English parish
into something like a Jesuit benefice in the south of France."

"He tried that game," said I, "and the parish said--'Pooh, pooh,' and,
for the most part, went over to the Dissenters."

"Very true," said the man in black, taking a sip at his glass, "but why
were the Dissenters allowed to preach? why were they not beaten on the
lips till they spat out blood, with a dislodged tooth or two? Why, but
because the authority of the Church of England has, by its own fault,
become so circumscribed that Mr. Platitude was not able to send a host of
beadles and sbirri to their chapel to bring them to reason, on which
account Mr. Platitude is very properly ashamed of his Church, and is
thinking of uniting himself with one which possesses more vigour and
authority."

"It may have vigour and authority," said I, "in foreign lands, but in
these kingdoms the day for practising its atrocities is gone by. It is
at present almost below contempt, and is obliged to sue for grace _in
forma pauperis_."

"Very true," said the man in black, "but let it once obtain emancipation,
and it will cast its slough, put on its fine clothes, and make converts
by thousands. 'What a fine Church,' they'll say; 'with what authority it
speaks--no doubts, no hesitation, no sticking at trifles.' What a
contrast to the sleepy English Church! they'll go over to it by millions,
till it preponderates here over every other, when it will of course be
voted the dominant one; and then--and then--" and here the man in black
drank a considerable quantity of gin and water.

"What then?" said I.

"What then?" said the man in black, "why, she will be true to herself.
Let Dissenters, whether they be Church of England, as perhaps they may
still call themselves, Methodist, or Presbyterian, presume to grumble,
and there shall be bruising of lips in pulpits, tying up to
whipping-posts, cutting off ears and noses--he! he! the farce of King Log
has been acted long enough; the time for Queen Stork's tragedy is drawing
nigh;" and the man in black sipped his gin and water in a very exulting
manner.

"And this is the Church which, according to your assertion in the public-
house, never persecutes?"

"I have already given you an answer," said the man in black, "with
respect to the matter of the public-house; it is one of the happy
privileges of those who belong to my church to deny in the public-house
what they admit in the dingle; we have high warranty for such double
speaking. Did not the foundation stone of our Church, Saint Peter, deny
in the public-house what he had previously professed in the valley?"

"And do you think," said I, "that the people of England, who have shown
aversion to anything in the shape of intolerance, will permit such
barbarities as you have described?"

"Let them become Papists," said the man in black: "only let the majority
become Papists, and you will see."

"They will never become so," said I; "the good sense of the people of
England will never permit them to commit such an absurdity."

"The good sense of the people of England!" said the man in black, filling
himself another glass.

"Yes," said I; "the good sense of not only the upper, but the middle and
lower classes."

"And of what description of people are the upper class?" said the man in
black, putting a lump of sugar into his gin and water.

"Very fine people," said I, "monstrously fine people; so, at least, they
are generally believed to be."

"He! he!" said the man in black; "only those think them so who don't know
them. The male part of the upper class are in youth a set of heartless
profligates; in old age, a parcel of poor, shaking, nervous paillards.
The female part, worthy to be the sisters and wives of such wretches,
unmarried, full of cold vice, kept under by vanity and ambition, but
which, after marriage, they seek not to restrain; in old age, abandoned
to vapours and horrors; do you think that such beings will afford any
obstacle to the progress of the Church in these regions, as soon as her
movements are unfettered?"

"I cannot give an opinion; I know nothing of them, except from a
distance. But what think you of the middle classes?"

"Their chief characteristic," said the man in black, "is a rage for
grandeur and gentility; and that same rage makes us quite sure of them in
the long run. Everything that's lofty meets their unqualified
approbation; whilst everything humble, or, as they call it, 'low,' is
scouted by them. They begin to have a vague idea that the religion which
they have hitherto professed is low; at any rate that it is not the
religion of the mighty ones of the earth, of the great kings and emperors
whose shoes they have a vast inclination to kiss, nor was used by the
grand personages of whom they have read in their novels and romances,
their Ivanhoes, their Marmions, and their Ladies of the Lake."

"Do you think that the writings of Scott have had any influence in
modifying their religious opinions?"

"Most certainly I do," said the man in black. "The writings of that man
have made them greater fools than they were before. All their
conversation now is about gallant knights, princesses, and cavaliers,
with which his pages are stuffed--all of whom were Papists, or very high
Church, which is nearly the same thing; and they are beginning to think
that the religion of such nice sweet-scented gentry must be something
very superfine. Why, I know at Birmingham the daughter of an ironmonger,
who screeches to the piano the Lady of the Lake's hymn to the Virgin
Mary, always weeps when Mary Queen of Scots is mentioned, and fasts on
the anniversary of the death of that very wise martyr, Charles the First.
Why, I would engage to convert such an idiot to popery in a week, were it
worth my trouble. _O Cavaliere Gualtiero avete fatto molto in favore
delle Santa Sede_!"