Lavengro

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In the library I found a table laid for two; my host was not there,
having as I supposed not been quite so speedy with his toilette as his
guest. Left alone, I looked round the apartment with inquiring eyes; it
was long and tolerably lofty, the walls from the top to the bottom were
lined with cases containing books of all sizes and bindings; there were a
globe or two, a couch, and an easy chair. Statues and busts there were
none, and only one painting, a portrait, that of my host, but not him of
the mansion. Over the mantel-piece, the features staringly like, but so
ridiculously exaggerated that they scarcely resembled those of a human
being, daubed evidently by the hand of the commonest sign-artist, hung a
half-length portrait of him of round of beef celebrity--my sturdy host of
the town.

I had been in the library about ten minutes, amusing myself as I best
could, when my friend entered; he seemed to have resumed his
taciturnity--scarce a word escaped his lips till dinner was served, when
he said, smiling, "I suppose it would be merely a compliment to ask you
to partake?"

"I don't know," said I, seating myself; "your first course consists of
troutlets, I am fond of troutlets, and I always like to be
companionable."

The dinner was excellent, though I did but little justice to it from the
circumstance of having already dined; the stranger also, though without
my excuse, partook but slightly of the good cheer; he still continued
taciturn, and appeared lost in thought, and every attempt which I made to
induce him to converse was signally unsuccessful.

And now dinner was removed, and we sat over our wine, and I remember that
the wine was good, and fully justified the encomiums of my host of the
town. Over the wine I made sure that my entertainer would have loosened
the chain which seemed to tie his tongue--but no! I endeavoured to tempt
him by various topics, and talked of geometry and the use of the globes,
of the heavenly sphere, and the star Jupiter, which I said I had heard
was a very large star, also of the evergreen tree, which, according to
Olaus, stood of old before the heathen temple of Upsal, and which I
affirmed was a yew--but no, nothing that I said could induce my
entertainer to relax his taciturnity.

It grew dark, and I became uncomfortable. "I must presently be going," I
at last exclaimed.

At these words he gave a sudden start; "Going," said he, "are you not my
guest, and an honoured one?"

"You know best," said I; "but I was apprehensive I was an intruder; to
several of my questions you have returned no answer."

"Ten thousand pardons!" he exclaimed, seizing me by the hand; "but you
cannot go now, I have much to talk to you about--there is one thing in
particular--"

"If it be the evergreen tree at Upsal," said I, interrupting him, "I hold
it to have been a yew--what else? The evergreens of the south, as the
old bishop observes, will not grow in the north, and a pine was unfitted
for such a locality, being a vulgar tree. What else could it have been
but the yew--the sacred yew which our ancestors were in the habit of
planting in their churchyards? Moreover, I affirm it to have been the
yew for the honour of the tree; for I love the yew, and had I home and
land, I would have one growing before my front window."

"You would do right; the yew is indeed a venerable tree, but it is not
about the yew."

"The star Jupiter, perhaps?"

"Nor the star Jupiter, nor its moons; an observation which escaped you at
the inn has made a considerable impression upon me."

"But I really must take my departure," said I; "the dark hour is at
hand."

And as I uttered these last words, the stranger touched rapidly something
which lay near him I forget what it was. It was the first action of the
kind which I had observed on his part since we sat down to table.

"You allude to the evil chance," said I; "but it is getting both dark and
late."

"I believe we are going to have a storm," said my friend, "but I really
hope that you will give me your company for a day or two; I have, as I
said before, much to talk to you about."

"Well," said I, "I shall be most happy to be your guest for this night; I
am ignorant of the country, and it is not pleasant to travel unknown
paths by night--dear me, what a flash of lightning!"

It had become very dark; suddenly a blaze of sheet lightning illumed the
room. By the momentary light I distinctly saw my host touch another
object upon the table.

"Will you allow me to ask you a question or two?" said he at last.

"As many as you please," said I; "but shall we not have lights?"

"Not unless you particularly wish it," said my entertainer; "I rather
like the dark, and though a storm is evidently at hand, neither thunder
nor lightning has any terrors for me. It is other things I quake at--I
should rather say ideas. Now permit me to ask you--"

And then my entertainer asked me various questions, to all of which I
answered unreservedly; he was then silent for some time, at last he
exclaimed, "I should wish to tell you the history of my life--though not
an adventurous one, I think it contains some things which will interest
you."

Without waiting for my reply he began. Amidst darkness and gloom,
occasionally broken by flashes of lightning, the stranger related to me,
as we sat at the table in the library, his truly touching history.

"Before proceeding to relate the events of my life, it will not be amiss
to give you some account of my ancestors. My great grandfather on the
male side was a silk mercer, in Cheapside, who, when he died, left his
son, who was his only child, a fortune of one hundred thousand pounds,
and a splendid business; the son, however, had no inclination for trade,
the summit of his ambition was to be a country gentleman, to found a
family, and to pass the remainder of his days in rural ease and dignity,
and all this he managed to accomplish; he disposed of his business,
purchased a beautiful and extensive estate for four score thousand
pounds, built upon it the mansion to which I had the honour of welcoming
you to-day, married the daughter of a neighbouring squire, who brought
him a fortune of five thousand pounds, became a magistrate, and only
wanted a son and heir to make him completely happy; this blessing, it is
true, was for a long time denied him; it came, however, at last, as is
usual, when least expected. His lady was brought to bed of my father,
and then who so happy a man as my grandsire; he gave away two thousand
pounds in charities, and in the joy of his heart made a speech at the
next quarter sessions; the rest of his life was spent in ease,
tranquillity, and rural dignity; he died of apoplexy on the day that my
father became of age; perhaps it would be difficult to mention a man who
in all respects was so fortunate as my grandfather; his death was sudden,
it is true, but I am not one of those who pray to be delivered from a
sudden death.

"I should not call my father a fortunate man; it is true that he had the
advantage of a first-rate education; that he made the grand tour with a
private tutor, as was the fashion at that time; that he came to a
splendid fortune on the very day that he came of age; that for many years
he tasted all the diversions of the capital; that, at last determined to
settle, he married the sister of a baronet, an amiable and accomplished
lady, with a large fortune; that he had the best stud of hunters in the
county, on which, during the season, he followed the fox gallantly; had
he been a fortunate man he would never have cursed his fate, as he was
frequently known to do; ten months after his marriage his horse fell upon
him, and so injured him, that he expired in a few days in great agony. My
grandfather was, indeed, a fortunate man; when he died he was followed to
the grave by the tears of the poor--my father was not.

"Two remarkable circumstances are connected with my birth--I am a
posthumous child, and came into the world some weeks before the usual
time, the shock which my mother experienced at my father's death having
brought on the pangs of premature labour; both my mother's life and my
own were at first despaired of; we both, however, survived the crisis. My
mother loved me with the most passionate fondness, and I was brought up
in this house under her own eye--I was never sent to school.

"I have already told you that mine is not a tale of adventure; my life
has not been one of action, but of wild imaginings and strange
sensations; I was born with excessive sensibility, and that has been my
bane. I have not been a fortunate man.

"No one is fortunate unless he is happy, and it is impossible for a being
constructed like myself to be happy for an hour, or even enjoy peace and
tranquillity; most of our pleasures and pains are the effects of
imagination, and wherever the sensibility is great, the imagination is
great also. No sooner has my imagination raised up an image of pleasure,
than it is sure to conjure up one of distress and gloom; these two
antagonistic ideas instantly commence a struggle in my mind, and the
gloomy one generally, I may say invariably, prevails. How is it possible
that I should be a happy man?

"It has invariably been so with me from the earliest period that I can
remember; the first playthings that were given me caused me for a few
minutes excessive pleasure; they were pretty and glittering; presently,
however, I became anxious and perplexed; I wished to know their history,
how they were made, and what of--were the materials precious; I was not
satisfied with their outward appearance. In less than an hour I had
broken the playthings in an attempt to discover what they were made of.

"When I was eight years of age my uncle the baronet, who was also my
godfather, sent me a pair of Norway hawks, with directions for managing
them; he was a great fowler. Oh, how rejoiced was I with the present
which had been made me, my joy lasted for at least five minutes; I would
let them breed, I would have a house of hawks; yes, that I would--but--and
here came the unpleasant idea--suppose they were to fly away, how very
annoying! Ah, but, said hope, there's little fear of that; feed them
well and they will never fly away, or if they do they will come back, my
uncle says so; so sunshine triumphed for a little time. Then the
strangest of all doubts came into my head; I doubted the legality of my
tenure of these hawks; how did I come by them? why, my uncle gave them to
me, but how did they come into his possession? what right had he to them?
after all, they might not be his to give.--I passed a sleepless night.
The next morning I found that the man who brought the hawks had not
departed. 'How came my uncle by these hawks?' I anxiously inquired.
'They were sent to him from Norway, master, with another pair.' 'And who
sent them?' 'That I don't know, master, but I suppose his honour can
tell you.' I was even thinking of scrawling a letter to my uncle to make
inquiry on this point, but shame restrained me, and I likewise reflected
that it would be impossible for him to give my mind entire satisfaction;
it is true he could tell who sent him the hawks, but how was he to know
how the hawks came into the possession of those who sent them to him, and
by what right they possessed them or the parents of the hawks. In a
word, I wanted a clear valid title, as lawyers would say, to my hawks,
and I believe no title would have satisfied me that did not extend up to
the time of the first hawk, that is, prior to Adam; and, could I have
obtained such a title, I make no doubt that, young as I was, I should
have suspected that it was full of flaws.

"I was now disgusted with the hawks, and no wonder, seeing all the
disquietude they had caused me; I soon totally neglected the poor birds,
and they would have starved had not some of the servants taken compassion
upon them and fed them. My uncle, soon hearing of my neglect, was angry,
and took the birds away; he was a very good-natured man, however, and
soon sent me a fine pony; at first I was charmed with the pony, soon,
however, the same kind of thoughts arose which had disgusted me on a
former occasion. How did my uncle become possessed of the pony? This
question I asked him the first time I saw him. Oh, he had bought it of a
gypsy, that I might learn to ride upon it. A gypsy; I had heard that
gypsies were great thieves, and I instantly began to fear that the gypsy
had stolen the pony, and it is probable that for this apprehension I had
better grounds than for many others. I instantly ceased to set any value
upon the pony, but for that reason, perhaps, I turned it to some account;
I mounted it and rode it about, which I don't think I should have done
had I looked upon it as a secure possession. Had I looked upon my title
as secure, I should have prized it so much, that I should scarcely have
mounted it for fear of injuring the animal; but now, caring not a straw
for it, I rode it most unmercifully, and soon became a capital rider.
This was very selfish in me, and I tell the fact with shame. I was
punished, however, as I deserved; the pony had a spirit of its own, and,
moreover, it had belonged to gypsies; once, as I was riding it furiously
over the lawn, applying both whip and spur, it suddenly lifted up its
heels, and flung me at least five yards over its head. I received some
desperate contusions, and was taken up for dead; it was many months
before I perfectly recovered.

"But it is time for me to come to the touching part of my story. There
was one thing that I loved better than the choicest gift which could be
bestowed upon me, better than life itself--my mother;--at length she
became unwell, and the thought that I might possibly lose her now rushed
into my mind for the first time; it was terrible, and caused me
unspeakable misery, I may say horror. My mother became worse, and I was
not allowed to enter her apartment, lest by my frantic exclamations of
grief I might aggravate her disorder. I rested neither day nor night,
but roamed about the house like one distracted. Suddenly I found myself
doing that which even at the time struck me as being highly singular; I
found myself touching particular objects that were near me, and to which
my fingers seemed to be attracted by an irresistible impulse. It was now
the table or the chair that I was compelled to touch; now the bell-rope;
now the handle of the door; now I would touch the wall, and the next
moment stooping down, I would place the point of my finger upon the
floor: and so I continued to do day after day; frequently I would
struggle to resist the impulse, but invariably in vain. I have even
rushed away from the object, but I was sure to return, the impulse was
too strong to be resisted: I quickly hurried back, compelled by the
feeling within me to touch the object. Now I need not tell you that what
impelled me to these actions was the desire to prevent my mother's death;
whenever I touched any particular object, it was with the view of
baffling the evil chance, as you would call it--in this instance my
mother's death.

"A favourable crisis occurred in my mother's complaint, and she
recovered; this crisis took place about six o'clock in the morning;
almost simultaneously with it there happened to myself a rather
remarkable circumstance connected with the nervous feeling which was
rioting in my system. I was lying in bed in a kind of uneasy doze, the
only kind of rest which my anxiety, on account of my mother, permitted me
at this time to take, when all at once I sprang up as if electrified, the
mysterious impulse was upon me, and it urged me to go without delay, and
climb a stately elm behind the house, and touch the topmost branch;
otherwise--you know the rest--the evil chance would prevail. Accustomed
for some time as I had been, under this impulse, to perform extravagant
actions, I confess to you that the difficulty and peril of such a feat
startled me; I reasoned against the feeling, and strove more strenuously
than I had ever done before; I even made a solemn vow not to give way to
the temptation, but I believe nothing less than chains, and those strong
ones, could have restrained me. The demoniac influence, for I can call
it nothing else, at length prevailed; it compelled me to rise, to dress
myself, to descend the stairs, to unbolt the door, and to go forth; it
drove me to the foot of the tree, and it compelled me to climb the trunk;
this was a tremendous task, and I only accomplished it after repeated
falls and trials. When I had got amongst the branches, I rested for a
time, and then set about accomplishing the remainder of the ascent; this
for some time was not so difficult, for I was now amongst the branches;
as I approached the top, however, the difficulty became greater, likewise
the danger; but I was a light boy, and almost as nimble as a squirrel,
and, moreover, the nervous feeling was within me, impelling me upward. It
was only by means of a spring, however, that I was enabled to touch the
top of the tree; I sprang, touched the top of the tree, and fell a
distance of at least twenty feet, amongst the branches; had I fallen to
the bottom I must have been killed, but I fell into the middle of the
tree, and presently found myself astride upon one of the boughs;
scratched and bruised all over, I reached the ground, and regained my
chamber unobserved; I flung myself on my bed quite exhausted; presently
they came to tell me that my mother was better--they found me in the
state which I have described, and in a fever besides. The favourable
crisis must have occurred just about the time that I performed the magic
touch; it certainly was a curious coincidence, yet I was not weak enough,
even though a child, to suppose that I had baffled the evil chance by my
daring feat.

"Indeed, all the time that I was performing these strange feats, I knew
them to be highly absurd, yet the impulse to perform them was
irresistible--a mysterious dread hanging over me till I had given way to
it; even at that early period I frequently used to reason within myself
as to what could be the cause of my propensity to touch, but of course I
could come to no satisfactory conclusion respecting it; being heartily
ashamed of the practice, I never spoke of it to any one, and was at all
times highly solicitous that no one should observe my weakness."

CHAPTER LXV.

Maternal Anxiety--The Baronet--Little Zest--Country Life--Mr.
Speaker!--The Craving--Spirited Address--An Author.

After a short pause my host resumed his narration. "Though I was never
sent to school, my education was not neglected on that account; I had
tutors in various branches of knowledge, under whom I made a tolerable
progress; by the time I was eighteen I was able to read most of the Greek
and Latin authors with facility; I was likewise, to a certain degree, a
mathematician. I cannot say that I took much pleasure in my studies; my
chief aim in endeavouring to accomplish my tasks was to give pleasure to
my beloved parent, who watched my progress with anxiety truly maternal.
My life at this period may be summed up in a few words; I pursued my
studies, roamed about the woods, walked the green lanes occasionally,
cast my fly in a trout stream, and sometimes, but not often, rode a
hunting with my uncle. A considerable part of my time was devoted to my
mother, conversing with her and reading to her; youthful companions I had
none, and as to my mother, she lived in the greatest retirement, devoting
herself to the superintendence of my education, and the practice of acts
of charity; nothing could be more innocent than this mode of life, and
some people say that in innocence there is happiness, yet I can't say
that I was happy. A continual dread overshadowed my mind, it was the
dread of my mother's death. Her constitution had never been strong, and
it had been considerably shaken by her last illness; this I knew, and
this I saw--for the eyes of fear are marvellously keen. Well, things
went on in this way till I had come of age; my tutors were then
dismissed, and my uncle the baronet took me in hand, telling my mother
that it was high time for him to exert his authority; that I must see
something of the world, for that, if I remained much longer with her, I
should be ruined. 'You must consign him to me,' said he, 'and I will
introduce him to the world.' My mother sighed and consented; so my uncle
the baronet introduced me to the world, took me to horse races and to
London, and endeavoured to make a man of me according to his idea of the
term, and in part succeeded. I became moderately dissipated--I say
moderately, for dissipation had but little zest for me.

"In this manner four years passed over. It happened that I was in London
in the height of the season with my uncle, at his house; one morning he
summoned me into the parlour, he was standing before the fire, and looked
very serious. 'I have had a letter,' said he; 'your mother is very ill.'
I staggered, and touched the nearest object to me; nothing was said for
two or three minutes, and then my uncle put his lips to my ear and
whispered something. I fell down senseless. My mother was--I remember
nothing for a long time--for two years I was out of my mind; at the end
of this time I recovered, or partly so. My uncle the baronet was very
kind to me; he advised me to travel, he offered to go with me. I told
him he was very kind, but I would rather go by myself. So I went abroad,
and saw, amongst other things, Rome and the Pyramids. By frequent change
of scene my mind became not happy, but tolerably tranquil. I continued
abroad some years, when, becoming tired of travelling, I came home, found
my uncle the baronet alive, hearty, and unmarried, as he still is. He
received me very kindly, took me to Newmarket, and said that he hoped by
this time I was become quite a man of the world; by his advice I took a
house in town, in which I lived during the season. In summer I strolled
from one watering-place to another; and, in order to pass the time, I
became very dissipated.

"At last I became as tired of dissipation as I had previously been of
travelling, and I determined to retire to the country, and live on my
paternal estate; this resolution I was not slow in putting into effect; I
sold my house in town, repaired and refurnished my country house, and,
for at least ten years, lived a regular country life; I gave dinner
parties, prosecuted poachers, was charitable to the poor, and now and
then went into my library; during this time I was seldom or never visited
by the magic impulse, the reason being, that there was nothing in the
wide world for which I cared sufficiently to move a finger to preserve
it. When the ten years, however, were nearly ended, I started out of bed
one morning in a fit of horror, exclaiming, 'Mercy, mercy! what will
become of me? I am afraid I shall go mad. I have lived thirty-five
years and upwards without doing anything; shall I pass through life in
this manner? Horror!' And then in rapid succession I touched three
different objects.

"I dressed myself and went down, determining to set about something; but
what was I to do?--there was the difficulty. I ate no breakfast, but
walked about the room in a state of distraction; at last I thought that
the easiest way to do something was to get into Parliament, there would
be no difficulty in that. I had plenty of money, and could buy a seat;
but what was I to do in Parliament? Speak, of course--but could I speak?
'I'll try at once,' said I, and forthwith I rushed into the largest
dining room, and, locking the door, I commenced speaking; 'Mr. Speaker,'
said I, and then I went on speaking for about ten minutes as I best
could, and then I left off, for I was talking nonsense. No, I was not
formed for Parliament; I could do nothing there. What--what was I to do?

"Many, many times I thought this question over, but was unable to solve
it; a fear now stole over me that I was unfit for anything in the world,
save the lazy life of vegetation which I had for many years been leading;
yet, if that were the case, thought I, why the craving within me to
distinguish myself? Surely it does not occur fortuitously, but is
intended to rouse and call into exercise certain latent powers that I
possess? and then with infinite eagerness I set about attempting to
discover these latent powers. I tried an infinity of pursuits, botany
and geology amongst the rest, but in vain; I was fitted for none of them.
I became very sorrowful and despondent, and at one time I had almost
resolved to plunge again into the whirlpool of dissipation; it was a
dreadful resource, it was true, but what better could I do?

"But I was not doomed to return to the dissipation of the world. One
morning a young nobleman, who had for some time past shown a wish to
cultivate my acquaintance, came to me in a considerable hurry. 'I am
come to beg an important favour of you,' said he; 'one of the county
memberships is vacant--I intend to become a candidate; what I want
immediately is a spirited address to the electors. I have been
endeavouring to frame one all the morning, but in vain; I have, there
fore, recourse to you as a person of infinite genius; pray, my dear
friend, concoct me one by the morning.' 'What you require of me,' I
replied, 'is impossible; I have not the gift of words; did I possess it I
would stand for the county myself, but I can't speak. Only the other day
I attempted to make a speech, but left off suddenly, utterly ashamed,
although I was quite alone, of the nonsense I was uttering.' 'It is not
a speech that I want,' said my friend, 'I can talk for three hours
without hesitating, but I want an address to circulate through the
county, and I find myself utterly incompetent to put one together; do
oblige me by writing one for me, I know you can; and, if at any time you
want a person to speak for you, you may command me not for three but for
six hours. Good morning; to-morrow I will breakfast with you.' In the
morning he came again. 'Well,' said he, 'what success?' 'Very poor,'
said I; 'but judge for yourself;' and I put into his hand a manuscript of
several pages. My friend read it through with considerable attention. 'I
congratulate you,' said he, 'and likewise myself; I was not mistaken in
my opinion of you; the address is too long by at least two-thirds, or I
should rather say it is longer by two-thirds than addresses generally
are; but it will do--I will not curtail it of a word. I shall win my
election.' And in truth he did win his election; and it was not only his
own but the general opinion that he owed it to the address.