Frank Fairlegh

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At this point the conversation was interrupted by the announcement of
dinner. Oaklands (from whom I could not withdraw my eyes, so unlike
anything I had ever met with before was he) was evidently preparing to
hand Mrs. Mildman down to dinner, as soon as he could summon
sufficient energy to move, but, perceiving Cumberland approach her for
that purpose, he appeared to recollect himself, smiled slightly as if at
what he had been about to do, and, taking me by the arm, said:--

"Come, Master Curlylocks, you shall be my lady, and a very pretty girl
you would make, too, if you were properly bemuslined"; adding, as we
went downstairs together, "You and I shall be great friends, I'm sure;
I like your face particularly. What a lot of stairs there are in this
house! they'll tire me to death."

When we returned to the pupils' room after dinner Lawless found, lying
on the table, the note Dr. Mildman had written in such a mysterious
manner before he left home in the morning, and proceeded to open it
forthwith. Scarcely had he glanced his eye over it, when he was seized
with so violent a fit of laughter, that I expected every moment to see
him fall out of his chair. As soon as he had in some measure recovered
the power of speaking he exclaimed:--

"Here, listen to this! and tell me if it is not the very best thing you
ever heard in your lives ". He then read as follows:--

"'It is not without much pain that I bring myself to write this note;
but I feel that I should not be doing my duty towards your excellent
father, if I were to allow such extreme misconduct on the part of
his son to pass unreproved. I know not towards what scene of vulgar
dissipation you might be directing your steps, but the simple fact
(to which I was myself witness) of your leaving my house _in the low
disguise of a carter's smock-frock_, affords in itself sufficient proof
that your associates must belong to a class of persons utterly unfitted
for the companionship of a gentleman. Let me hope this hint may be
enough, and that conduct so thoroughly disgraceful in one brought up as
you have been may not occur again. I presume I need scarcely say that,
in the event of your ~52~~disregarding my wishes upon this point, the
only course left open to me would be to expel you, a measure to which it
would deeply grieve me to be obliged to resort.'"

His voice was here drowned by a chorus of laughter from all present
who were aware of the true state of the case, which lasted without
interruption for several minutes. At length Lawless observed:--

"I'll tell you what, it will be a death-blow to Smithson; a Macintosh
made by him to be taken for a smock-frock! he'll never recover it ".

"Mildman might well look like a thunder-cloud," said Coleman, "if that
was the notion he had got in his head; what a jolly lark, to be sure!"

"How do you mean to undeceive him?" inquired Cumberland.

"Oh, trust me for finding a way to do that," replied Lawless; "'the low
disguise of a carter's smock-frock,' indeed! What fun it would be if
he were to meet my governor in town to-day, and tell him of my evil
courses! why, the old boy would go into fits! I wonder what he means
by his 'scenes of vulgar dissipation'? I daresay he fancies me playing
all-fours with a beery coalheaver, and kissing his sooty-faced wife; or
drinking alternate goes of gin-and-water with a dustman for the purpose
of insinuating myself into the affections of Miss Cinderella Smut, his
interesting sister. By Jove! it's as good as a play!"

More laughter followed Lawless's illustration of Dr. Mildman's note.
The subject was discussed for some time, and a plan arranged for
enlightening the Doctor as to the true character of the mysterious
garment.

At length there was a pause, when I heard Coleman whisper to Lawless:--

"Thomas was pretty right in saying that new fellow knows how to make
himself comfortable, at all events".

"He's a precious deal too free and easy to please me," muttered Lawless,
in an undertone; "I shall take the liberty of seeing whether his
self-possession cannot be disturbed a little. I have no notion of such
airs. Here, Mullins!"

And laying hold of Mullins by the arm, he pulled him into a chair by
his side, and proceeded to give him some instructions in a whisper. The
subject of their remarks, Harry Oaklands, who had, on re-entering the
room, taken possession of the three chairs near the window, was still
reclining, book in hand, in the same indolent position, apparently
enjoying the beauty of the autumnal sunset, without concerning himself
in the slightest degree about anything which might be going on inside
the room.

~53~~Lawless, whose proceedings I was watching with an anxious eye,
having evidently succeeded, by a judicious mixture of bullying and
cajollery, in persuading Mullins to assist him in whatever he was about
to attempt, now drew a chair to the other side of the window, and seated
himself exactly opposite to Oaklands.

"How tired riding makes a fellow! I declare I'm regularly baked, used
completely up," he observed, and then continued, glancing at Oaklands,
"Not such a bad idea, that. Mullins, give us a chair; I don't see why
elevating the extremities should not pay in my case, as well as in other
people's."

He then placed his legs across the chair which Mullins brought him, and,
folding his arms so as exactly to imitate the attitude of his opposite
neighbour, sat for some minutes gazing out of the window with a
countenance of mock solemnity. Finding this did not produce any effect
on Oaklands, who, having slightly raised his eyes when Lawless first
seated himself, immediately cast them upon the book again, Lawless
stretched himself, yawned, and once more addressed Mullins.

"Shocking bad sunset as ever I saw--it's no go staring at that. I must
have a book--give me the Byron."

To this Mullins replied that he believed Mr. Oaklands was reading it.

"Indeed! the book belongs to you, does it not?"

Mullins replied in the affirmative.

"Have you any objection to lend it to me?"

Mullins would be most happy to do so.

"Then ask the gentleman to give it to you--you have a right to do what
you please with your own property, I imagine?"

It was very evident that this suggestion was not exactly agreeable to
Mullins; and although his habitual fear of Lawless was so strong
as completely to overpower any dread of what might be the possible
consequences of his act, it was not without much hesitation that he
approached Oaklands, and asked him for the book, as he wished to lend it
to Lawless.

On hearing this Oaklands leisurely turned to the fly-leaf, and, having
apparently satisfied himself, by the perusal of the name written
thereon, that it really belonged to Mullins, handed it to him without a
word. I fancied, however, from the stern expression of his mouth and a
slight contraction of the brow, that he was not as insensible to their
impertinence as he wished to appear.

Lawless, who had been sitting during this little scene ~54~~with his
eyes closed, as if asleep, now roused himself, and saying, "Oh, you have
got it at last, have you?" began turning over the pages, reading aloud a
line or two here and there, while he kept up a running commentary on the
text as he did so:--

"Hum! ha! now let's see, here we are--the 'g-i-a-o-u-r,'--that's a
nice word to talk about. What does g-i-a-o-u-r spell, Mullins? You don't
know? what an ass you are, to be sure!--

'Fair clime, whose every season smiles
Benignant o'er those blessed isles'--

blessed isles, indeed; what stuff!--

''Tis Greece, but living Greece no more;'

that would do for a motto for the barbers to stick on their pots of
bear's grease!--

'Clime of the unforgotten brave;'

_unforgotten_! yes, I should think so; how the deuce should they be
forgotten, when one is bored with them morning, noon, and night, for
everlasting, by old Sam, and all the other pastors and masters in the
kingdom? Hang me, if I can read this trash; the only poetry that ever
was written worth reading is 'Don Juan'."

He then flung the book down, adding:--

"It's confoundedly cold, I think. Mullins, shut that window."

This order involved more difficulties in its execution than might at
first be imagined. Oaklands, after giving up the book, had slightly
altered his position by drawing nearer the window and leaning his elbow
on the sill, so that it was impossible to shut it without obliging him
to move. Mullins saw this, and seemed for a moment inclined not to obey,
but a look and a threatening gesture from Lawless again decided him; and
with slow unwilling steps he approached the window, and laid his hand
on it, for the purpose of shutting it. As he did so, Oaklands raised his
head, and regarded him for a moment with a glance like lightning, his
large eyes glaring in the twilight like those of some wild animal, while
the red flush of anger rose to his brow, and we all expected to see him
strike Mullins to the ground. Conquering himself, however, by a powerful
effort of self-control, he folded his arms, and, turning from the
window, suffered Mullins to close it without interruption. Still I could
perceive, from ~55~~the distended nostril and quivering lip, that his
forbearance was almost exhausted.

"Ah, that's an improvement," said Lawless; "I was getting uncommonly
chilly. By the way, what an interesting virtue patience is; it is a
curious fact in Natural History that some of the lower animals share it
with us; for instance, there's nothing so patient as a jack-ass----"

"Except a pig," put in Mullins; "they're uncommon--"

"Obstinate," suggested Coleman.

"Oh, ah! it's obstinate I mean," replied Mullins. "Well, you know
donkeys are obstinate, like a pig; that's what I meant."

"Don't be a fool," said Lawless. "Deuce take these chairs, I cannot make
myself comfortable anyhow--the fact is, I must have three, that's the
proper number--give me another, Mullins."

"I can't find one," was the answer; "they are all in use."

"Can't find one! nonsense," said Lawless; "here, take one of these; the
gentleman is asleep, and won't object, I daresay."

When Mullins was shutting the window his head had been so turned as
to prevent his observing the symptoms of anger in Oaklands, which
had convinced me that he would not bear trifling with much longer.
Presuming, therefore, from the success of his former attacks, that the
new pupil was a person who might be insulted with impunity, and actuated
by that general desire of retaliation, which is the certain effect
bullying produces upon a mean disposition, Mullins proceeded, _con
amore_, to fulfil Lawless's injunction. With a sudden snatch he withdrew
the centre chair, on which Oaklands' legs mainly rested, so violently
as nearly to throw them to the ground, a catastrophe which was finally
consummated by Lawless giving the other chair a push with his foot, so
that it was only by great exertion and quickness that Oaklands was able
to save himself from falling.

This was the climax; forbearance merely human could endure no
longer: Lawless had obtained his object of disturbing Harry Oaklands'
self-possession, and was now to learn the consequences of his success.
With a bound like that of an infuriated tiger, Oaklands leaped upon
his feet, and, dashing Mullins into a corner with such force that he
remained lying exactly where he fell, he sprang upon Lawless, seized him
by the collar of his coat, and after a short but severe struggle dragged
him to the ~56~~window, which was about eight feet from the ground,
threw it open, and taking him in his arms with as much ease as if he
had been a child flung him out. He then returned to the corner in which,
paralysed with fear, Mullins was still crouching, drew him to the spot
from whence he had removed the chair, placed him there upon his hands
and knees, and saying, in a stern voice, "If you dare to move till I
tell you, I'll throw you out of the window too," quietly resumed his
former position, with his legs resting upon Mullins' back instead of a
chair.

[Illustration: page56 Lawless Finds his Level]

As soon as Coleman and I had in some degree recovered from our surprise
and consternation (for the anger of Oaklands once roused was a fearful
thing to behold), we ran to the other window, just in time to see
Lawless, who had alighted among some stunted shrubs, turn round and
shake his fist at Oaklands (who merely smiled), ere he regained his
feet, and rang the bell in order to gain admittance. A minute afterwards
we heard him stride upstairs, enter his bedroom, and close the door with
a most sonorous bang. Affairs remained in this position nearly a quarter
of an hour, no one feeling inclined to be the first to speak. At
length the silence was broken by Oaklands, who, addressing himself to
Cumberland, said:--

"I am afraid this absurd piece of business has completely marred the
harmony of the evening. Get up, Mr. Mullins," he continued, removing his
legs, and assisting him to rise; "I hope I did not hurt you just now."

In reply to this Mullins grumbled out something intended as a negative,
and, shambling across the room, placed himself in a corner, as far as
possible from Oaklands, where he sat rubbing his knees, the very image
of sulkiness and terror. Cumberland, who appeared during the whole
course of the affair absorbed in a book, though, in fact, not a single
word or look had escaped him, now came forward and apologised, in a
quiet, gentlemanly manner (which, when he was inclined, no one could
assume with greater success), for Lawless's impertinence, which had
only, he said, met with its proper reward.

"You must excuse me, Mr. Cumberland, if I cannot agree with you,"
replied Oaklands; "since I have had time to cool a little, I see the
matter in quite a different light. Mr. Lawless was perfectly right;
the carelessness of my manner must naturally have seemed as if I were
purposely giving myself airs, but I can assure you such was not the
case."

He paused for a moment, and then continued, with a half-embarrassed
smile:--

~57~~"The fact is, I am afraid that I have been spoiled at home; my
mother died when I was a little child, and my dear father, having nobody
else to care about, thought, I believe, that there was no one in the
world equal to me, and that nothing was too good for me. Of course, all
our servants and people have taken their tone from him, so that I have
never had any one to say to me, 'Nay,' and am therefore not at all used
to the sort of thing. I hope I do not often lose my temper as I have
done this evening; but really Mr. Lawless appears quite an adept in the
art of ingeniously tormenting."

"I am afraid you must have found so much exertion very fatiguing,"
observed Coleman, politely.

"A fair hit, Mr. Coleman," replied Oaklands, laughing. "No! those are
not the things that tire me, somehow; but in general I am very easily
knocked up--I am indeed--most things are so much trouble, and I hate
trouble; I suppose it is that I am not strong."

"Wretchedly weak, I should say," rejoined Coleman; "it struck me that
you were so just now, when you chucked Lawless out of the window like a
cat."

"Be quiet, Freddy," said Cumberland, reprovingly.

"Nay, don't stop him," said Oaklands; "I delight in a joke beyond
measure, when I have not the trouble of making it myself. But about this
Mr. Lawless, I am exceedingly sorry that I handled him so roughly; would
you mind going to tell him so, Mr. Cumberland, and explaining that I did
not mean anything offensive by my manner?"

"Exactly, I'll make him understand the whole affair, and bring him down
with me in five minutes," said Cumberland, leaving the room as he spoke.

"What makes Cumberland so good-natured and amiable to-night?" whispered
I to Coleman.

"Can't you tell?" was the reply. "Don't you see that Oaklands is a
regular top-sawyer, a fish worth catching; and that by doing this,
Cumberland places him under an obligation at first starting? Not a bad
move to begin with, eh? Besides, if a regular quarrel between Lawless
and Oaklands were to ensue, Cumberland would have to take one side or
the other; and it would not exactly suit him to break with Lawless, he
knows too much about him; besides," added he, sinking his voice, "he
owes him money, more than I should like to owe anybody a precious deal,
I can tell you. Now, do you _twig_?"

"Yes," said I, "I comprehend the matter more clearly, if that is what
you mean by _twigging_; but how shocking ~58~~it all is! why, Cumberland
is quite a swindler--gambling, borrowing money he can't pay, and----"

"Hush!" interrupted Coleman, "here they come."

Coleman was not mistaken: Cumberland had been successful in his embassy,
and now entered the room, accompanied by Lawless, who looked rather
crestfallen, somewhat angry, and particularly embarrassed and
uncomfortable, which, as Coleman whispered to me, was not to be wondered
at, considering how thoroughly he had been _put out_ just before.,
Oaklands, however, appeared to see nothing of all this; but, rising from
his seat as they entered, he approached Lawless, saying:--

"This has been a foolish piece of business, Mr. Lawless; I freely own
that I am thoroughly ashamed of the part I have taken in it, and I can
only apologise for the intemperate manner in which I behaved".

The frank courtesy with which he said this was so irresistible, that
Lawless was completely overcome, and, probably for the first time in
his life, felt himself thoroughly in the wrong. Seizing Oaklands' hand,
therefore, and shaking it heartily, he replied:--

"I'll tell you what it is, Oaklands--we don't Mr. each other here--you
are a right good fellow--a regular brick, and no mistake; and as to
your shoving me out of the window, you served me quite right for my
abominable impertinence. I only wonder you did not do it ten minutes
sooner, that's all; but you really ought to be careful what you do with
those arms of yours; I was like a child in your grasp; you are as strong
as a steam engine."

"I can assure you I am not," replied Oaklands; "they never let me do
anything at home, for fear I should knock myself up."

"You are more likely to knock other people down, I should say," rejoined
Lawless; "and, by the way, that reminds me--Mullins! come here, stupid,
and beg Mr. Oaklands' pardon, and thank him for knocking you down."

A sulky, half-muttered "shan't," was the only reply.

"Nay, I don't want anything of that kind; I don't indeed, Lawless; pray
leave him alone," cried Oaklands eagerly.

But Lawless was not so easily quieted, and Oaklands, unwilling to
risk the harmony so newly established between them, did not choose to
interfere further; so Mullins was dragged across the room by the ears,
and was forced by Lawless, who stood over him with the poker (which, he
informed him, he was destined to eat red-hot if he became restive),
to make Oaklands a long and ~59~~formal apology, with a short form of
thanksgiving appended, for the kindness and condescension he had evinced
in knocking him down so nicely, of which oration he delivered himself
with a very bad grace indeed.

"And all went merry as a marriage-bell," until we were summoned to
the drawing-room, where we were regaled with weak tea, thin bread and
butter, and small conversation till ten o'clock, when Mrs. Mildman
proceeded to read prayers, which, being a duty she was little accustomed
to, and which consequently rendered her extremely nervous, she did
not accomplish without having twice called King William, George, and
suppressed our gracious Queen Adelaide altogether.

CHAPTER VII -- THE BOARD OF GREEN CLOTH

"What have we here--a man or a fish?"
--The Tempest.

'"The devil he baited a trap,
With billiard balls and a cue;

And he chose as marker,

An imp much darker
Than all the rest in hue.
And he put on his Sunday clothes,
And he played with saint and with sinner,

For he'd found out a way

To make the thing pay,
And when losing, _He still was the winner!_"
--_Old Legend_.

THE moment Dr. Mildman arrived at home the next day Lawless watched him
into his study, and, as soon as he was safely lodged therein, proceeded,
by the aid of sundry nails and loops previously placed there for the
purpose, to hang his Macintosh right across the passage, so that no
one could leave the study without running against it. He then ambushed
himself near the open door of the pupils' room, where, unseen himself,
he could observe the effect of his arrangements. Coleman and I,
also taking a lively interest in the event, ensconced ourselves in a
favourable position for seeing and hearing. After waiting till our small
stock of patience was nearly exhausted, we were rewarded by hearing the
study-door slowly open, followed by the tread of a well-known footstep
in the passage. The next sound that reached ~60~~our ears was a quick
shuffling of feet upon the oil-cloth, as if the person advancing had
"shyed" at some unexpected object; then came the muttered exclamation,
"Bless my heart, what's this?" And immediately afterwards Dr. Mildman's
face, wearing an expression of the most thorough perplexity and
bewilderment, appeared cautiously peeping from behind the Macintosh.
Having apparently satisfied himself that no enemy was concealed there,
and he had nothing further to fear, but that the whole plot was
centred as it were in the mysterious garment before him, he set himself
seriously to work to examine it. First he pulled out his eye-glass and,
stepping back a pace or two, took a general survey of the whole; he then
approached it again, and taking hold of it in different places with
his hand, examined it in detail so closely that it seemed as if he were
trying to count the number of threads. Being apparently unwilling in so
difficult an investigation to trust to the evidence of any one sense,
he replaced his eye-glass in his waistcoat pocket, and began rubbing
a portion of the skirt between his hands; the sense of touch failing,
however, to throw any new light upon the subject, as a sort of forlorn
hope, he applied his nose to it. The result of this was an indescribable
exclamation, expressive of intense disgust, followed immediately by a
violent sneeze; then came a long pause, as though he were considering
of what possible use such a garment could be. At length a ray of light
seemed to break in upon the darkness, and once more laying hands on the
Macintosh he proceeded, after unhooking it from the nails on which it
hung, slowly and deliberately to put it on, with the back part foremost,
somewhat after the fashion of a child's pinafore. Having at length
accomplished this difficult operation, he walked, or rather shuffled
(for his petticoats interfered greatly with the free use of his limbs),
up and down the hall, with a grave, not to say solemn, expression of
countenance. Appearing perfectly satisfied after one or two turns that
he had at last solved the enigma, he divested himself of the perplexing
garment, hung it on a peg appropriated to great-coats, and approached
the door of the pupils' room.

By the time he entered Lawless was seated at his desk studying
Herodotus, while Coleman and I were deeply immersed in our respective
Euclids.

After shaking hands with Oaklands, and addressing some good-natured
remarks to each of us in turn, he went up to Lawless, and, laying his
hand kindly on his shoulder, said, with a half-smile:--

~61~~"I am afraid I have made rather an absurd mistake about that
strange garment of yours, Lawless; I suppose it is some new kind of
greatcoat, is it not?"

"Yes, sir, it is a sort of waterproof cloth, made with Indian rubber."

"Indian rubber, is it? Well, I fancied so; it has not the nicest smell
in the world. I certainly thought it was a smock-frock, though, when I
saw you go out in it. Is not it rather awkward to walk in? I found it so
when I tried it on just now, and buttoning behind does not seem to me at
all a good plan."

"No, sir, but it is meant to button in front; perhaps you put it on the
back part foremost."

"Hem!" said Dr. Mildman, trying to look as if he thought such a thing
impossible, and failing--"it is a very singular article of dress
altogether, but I am glad it was not a smock-frock you went out in. I
hope," continued he, turning to Oaklands, with an evident wish to change
the conversation, "I hope they took good care of you when you arrived
last night?"

This was turning the tables with a vengeance! Lawless became suddenly
immersed in Herodotus again.

"Oh! the greatest," was the reply; "I had so much attention paid me
that I was almost _upset_ by it. I was not quite overcome, though," he
continued, with a sly glance towards Lawless, "and Mrs. Mildman gave us
some very nice tea, which soon restored me."

"Well, I'm glad they managed to make you comfortable among them,"
observed Dr. Mildman, turning over his papers and books, preparatory to
beginning the morning's study.