Frank Fairlegh

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"But what will Freddy say if I appear to encourage Mr. Lawless? you
don't know how particular he is."

"If you will permit me, I will tell him exactly what has passed between
us to-day, and explain to him your reasons for what you are about to
do."

"Will you really be so kind?" she answered, with a grateful smile; "then
I shall do exactly as you have told me. How shall I ever thank you for
your kindness?"

"By making my friend Freddy a good wife, and being married on the same
day that I am."

"That you are! are you joking?"

"Never was more serious in my life, I can assure you."

"Are you really going to be married? Oh! I am so glad! Is the lady a
nice person? do I know her?"

"The most charming person in the world," replied I, "and you know her
intimately."

"Why, you can't mean Cla----"

"Hush!" exclaimed I, as a sudden silence rendered our conversation no
longer private.

"Lucy, my dear, may I request your company for a few minutes in my
study?" said Mr. Coleman, holding the door open with an air of dignified
courtesy for his niece to pass out. She had acquired double importance
in his eyes, since the eldest son of a real live peer of the realm had
declared himself her suitor.

"Allow me, governor--ar--Mr. Coleman, I mean," said Lawless, springing
forward, "it's for us young fellows to hold doors open, you know--not
old reprobates like you," he added in an undertone, making a grimace
for my especial benefit at the retreating figure of the aforesaid
irreverently apostrophised legal luminary.

"Ah!" said Mrs. Coleman, by whom this by-play had been unobserved, "I
wish all young men were like you, ~436~~ Mr. Lawless: we see very little
respect to grey hairs nowadays."

"Very little indeed, ma'am," returned Lawless, winking furiously at me;
"but from a boy I've always been that way inclined: I dare say that you
observed that I addressed Mr. Coleman as 'Governor' just now?"

"Oh yes, I think I did," replied Mrs. Coleman innocently.

"Well, ma'am, that's a habit I've fallen into from unconsciously giving
utterance to my feelings of veneration. To govern, is a venerable
attribute--governor signifies one who governs--hence my inadvertent
application of the term to your revered husband, eh?"

"Ah!" returned poor Mrs. Coleman, thoroughly mystified, "it's very
kind of you to say so, I'm sure. I wonder whether I left my knitting
upstairs, or whether it went down in the luncheon-tray."

In order to solve this important problem, the good lady trotted off,
leaving Lawless and myself _tete-a-tete_.

"I say, Frank," he began, as the door closed after her, "did you put
the young woman up to trap at all? I saw you were 'discoursing' her, as
Paddy says, while we were at luncheon, eh?"

"No," replied I, "it was agreed that she was not to be let into the
scheme, you know."

"By Jove! then all those kind looks she threw at me were really in
earnest! I tell you what, I don't half like it, I can assure you, sir! I
shall put my foot in it here too, if I don't mind what I'm at. Suppose,
instead of marrying Freddy, she were to take it into her head she would
like to be a peeress some day, what would become of me, eh?"

At this moment Mr. Coleman returned, his face beaming with dignity and
self-satisfaction. Approaching Lawless, he motioned him to a chair, and
then, seating himself exactly opposite, gave one or two deep hems to
clear his throat, and then began:--

"I am empowered by my niece, standing as I may say _in loco
parentis_--(for though her parents are not positively defunct, still
they have so completely delegated to me all control and authority
over their daughter, that they may morally be considered dead)--I am
empowered, then, by my niece to inform you, in answer to your very
flattering proposal of marriage, that although she has not had
sufficient opportunity of becoming acquainted with your character and
general disposition, to justify her in at once ratifying the contract,
she agrees to sanction your visits ~437~~ here in the character of her
suitor." (Lawless's face on receiving this announcement was as good as a
play to behold.) "In fact, my dear sir," continued Mr. Coleman, warming
with the subject, "as my niece at the same time has signified to me her
express desire that I should definitely and finally reject the suit of a
highly amiable young man of fortune, who has for some time past paid his
addresses to her, I think that we may consider ourselves fully justified
in attributing the slightly equivocal nature of her answer to a
pardonable girlish modesty and coyness, and that I shall not be
premature in offering you my hearty congratulations on the successful
issue of your suit--a-hem I--" And so saying, Mr. Coleman rose from his
seat, and taking Lawless's unwilling hand in his own, shook it with the
greatest _empressement_.

"Thank ye, gov--that is, Mr. Coleman--uncle, I suppose I shall soon have
to call you," said Lawless, with a wretched attempt at hilarity; "it's
very flattering, you know, and of course I feel excessively, eh 1
uncommon, don't you see?--Get me away, can't you?" he added in an angry
whisper, turning to me, "I shall go mad, or be ill, or something in a
minute."

"I think the tandem has been here some time," interposed I, coming to
his assistance; "the horses will get chilled standing."

"Eh! yes! very true, we must be cutting away; make ourselves scarce,
don't you see?" rejoined Lawless, brightening up at the prospect of
escape.

"Let me ring for the ladies," said Mr. Coleman, moving towards the bell.

"Eh! not for the world, my dear sir, not for the world," exclaimed
Lawless, interposing to prevent him--"Really, my feelings--your
feelings, in fact, all our feelings, have been sufficiently
excited--steam got up--high pressure, eh?--some other day--pleasure.
Good-morning. Don't come out, pray."

And so saying, he fairly bolted out of the room, an example which I was
about to follow, when Mr. Coleman, seizing me by the button began:--

"I can see, Mr. Fairlegh, that Mr. Lawless is naturally uneasy and
annoyed at Mr. Brown's attentions: but he need not be--pray assure him
of this--Mr. Brown is a highly estimable young man, but his family
are very much beneath ours in point of rank. I shall write to him
this afternoon, and inform him that, on mature deliberation, I find it
impossible to allow my niece to contract a matrimonial alliance with
any one in trade--that will ~438~~ set the matter definitely at rest.
Perhaps you will kindly mention this to your friend?"

"I shall be most happy to do so," replied I, "nor have I the slightest
doubt that _my friend_ will consider the information perfectly
satisfactory." And with many assurances of mutual consideration and
esteem we parted.

Oh! the masks and dominoes of the mind! what mountebank ever wore so
many disguises as the heart of man? If some potent spirit of evil had
suddenly converted Elm Lodge into the palace of Truth, the light of its
master's countenance would have grown dark as he read the thoughts
that were passing in my breast; and instead of bestowing upon me
the attentions due to the chosen friend of the wealthy suitor to his
portionless niece, he would have done his best to kick me down the steps
as an impostor plotting to marry his son to a beggar. When will men
learn to value money at its real worth, and find out that warm loving
hearts and true affections are priceless gems that wealth cannot
purchase!

We drove for some time in silence, which was at length broken by
Lawless, who in a tone of the deepest dejection began:--

"The first tolerably deep gravel pit we come to, I must trouble you to
get out, if you please".

"Get out at a gravel pit! for goodness' sake, why?" inquired I.

"Because I intend to back the tandem into it, and break my neck," was
the unexpected answer.

"Break your neck! nonsense, man. Why, what's the matter now? Hasn't your
mad scheme succeeded beyond all expectation?"

"Ah! you may well say that!" was the rejoinder. "Beyond all expectation,
indeed! yes, I should think so, rather. If I'd expected anything of
the kind, it's thirty miles off I'd have been at the very least by this
time--more, if the horses would have done it, which I think they would
with steady driving, good luck, and a feed of beans."

"Why, what is it you fancy you've done, then?"

"Fancy I've done, eh? Well, if that isn't enough to make a fellow punch
his own father's head with vexation. What have I done, indeed! why I'll
tell you what I've done, Mr. Frank Fairlegh, since you are so obtuse as
not to have found it out by your own powers of observation. I've won the
heart of an innocent and unsuspecting young female,--I've destroyed the
dearest hopes of my particular friend,--and I've saddled myself with
a ~439~~ superfluous wife, when my affections are reposing in the
cold--ar--what do you call it, tomb, eh? of the future Lady Oaklands--If
that isn't a pretty fair morning's work, it's a pity, eh?"

"My dear Lawless," replied I, with difficulty repressing a laugh, "you
don't really suppose Lucy Markham means to accept you?"

"Eh! why not? Of course I do, didn't Governor Coleman tell me so? an old
reptile!"

"Set your mind at ease," replied I; and I then detailed to him my
conversation with Lucy Markham, and convinced him that her partial
acceptance of his proposal, which had been made the most of by Mr.
Coleman, was merely done at my suggestion, to ensure the dismissal of
Mr. Lowe Brown. As I concluded, he broke forth:--

"Ah! I see, sold again! It's an easy thing to make a fool of me where
women are concerned; they're a kind of cattle I never shall understand,
if I were to live as long as Saint Methuselah, and take Old Parr's life
pills twice a day into the bargain. Anything about a horse, now--"

"Then you'll postpone the gravel-pit performance _ad infinitum_?"
interrupted I.

"Eh? yes! it would be a pity to go and sacrifice the new tandem, if it
is not absolutely necessary to one's peace of mind, so I shall think
better of it this time," was the rejoinder.

"By the way," resumed Lawless, as we drove through Heathfield Park,
"I must not forget that I've got to immolate Shrimp on the altar of my
aspersed reputation--call his master a 'scamp,' the amphibious little
reprobate? a brat that's neither fish, flesh, nor fowl, nor good
red-herring--that spent his pitiful existence in making mud pies in a
gutter, till I was kind enough to--"

"Run over him, and break his arm," added I.

"Exactly," continued Lawless, "and a famous thing it was for him too.
Just see the advantages to which it has led; look at the education I
have given him; he can ride to hounds better than many grooms twice his
age, and bring you a second horse, in a long run, just at the nick of
time when you want it, as fresh, with that featherweight on its back, as
if it had only just come out of the stable; he can drive any animal
that don't pull too strong for him, as well as I can myself; he can
brew milk-punch better than a College Don, and drink it like an
undergraduate; he can use his fists as handily as--Ben Caunt, or the
Master of T----y, and polish off a boy a head taller than himself in ten
minutes, so that his nearest ~440~~ relations would not recognise him;
and he won five pounds last year in a Derby sweepstakes, besides taking
the long odds with a pork-butcher, and walking into the piggycide to the
tune of thirty shillings. No," continued Lawless, who had quite worked
himself into a state of excitement, "whatever follies I may have been
guilty of, nobody can accuse me of having neglected my duty in regard to
that brat's education; and now, after all my solicitude, the young viper
goes and spreads reports that a 'scamp,' meaning me, is about to marry
your sister! I'll flay him alive, and put him in salt afterwards!"

"But, my dear Lawless, out of the host of servants at Heathfield, how do
you know it was Shrimp who did it?"

"Oh, there's no mischief going on that he's not at the bottom of;
besides, a boy is never the worse for a flogging, for if he has not done
anything wrong beforehand, he's sure to make up for it afterwards; so it
comes right in the end, you see."

Thus saying, he roused the leader by a scientific application of the
thong, dashed round the gravel-sweep, and brought his horses up to the
hall-door in a neat and artistlike manner.

CHAPTER LIV -- MR. VERNOR MEETS HIS MATCH

"If thou dost find him tractable to us,
Encourage him, and tell him all our reasons.
If he be leaden, icy cold, unwilling,
Be thou so too."
--_Richard III_.

"For the intent and purpose of the law,
Hath full relation to the penalty,
Which here appeareth due."
"Tarry a little, there is something else."
--_Merchant of Venice_.

"Your looks are pale and wild,
and do import some misadventure."
--_Romeo and Juliet_.

ANY tender-hearted reader who may feel anxious concerning the fate of
the unjustly suspected Shrimp, will be glad to learn that this hopeful
candidate for the treadmill (not to mention a more airy and exalted
destiny), escaped his promised castigation, for, the moment we alighted,
Freddy Coleman dragged us into the library, and Lawless, in the
excitement of relating the morning's adventure, entirely forgot his
threatened vengeance. Lawless's account of the affair was, as may well
be imagined, ~441~~ rich in the extreme, worth walking barefoot twenty
miles to hear, Freddy Coleman declared afterwards; and an equally
laborious pilgrimage would have been quite repaid by witnessing the
contortions of delight with which the aforesaid Freddy listened to him.

"So you have positively settled the drysalter, and stand pledged to
marry my cousin Lucy, if she approve of you on further acquaintance?
What will you give me to hand her over to you?"

"Give you, eh? the soundest thrashing you ever had in your life--one
that will find you something to think about for the next fortnight,
and no mistake. The idea of putting the young woman's affections up to
auction! why, you're worse than your old governor, he only wants to sell
her to the highest bidder."

"Well, he's been sold himself this time, pretty handsomely," replied
Freddy; "I only hope it will be a lesson to him for the future."

"It strikes me he'd be all the better for a few more lessons of the
sort, eh? go through a regular 'educational course,' as they call it.
Governors nowadays get so dreadfully conceited and dictatorial--they
know best--and they will have this--and they won't have that. It's no
joke to be a son, I can tell you.--'Latchkey, sir! only let me hear of
your daring to introduce that profligate modern invention into my house,
and I'll cut you off with a shilling.'"

"'The most unkindest cut of all,'" quoted Freddy. "Worse than 'cut
behind' for the small boys, who indulge their locomotive propensities
by sitting on the spikes at the backs of carriages, eh?" said Lawless.
"Sharp set they must be, very!" put in Freddy. "Well, of all the vile
puns I ever heard, that, which I believe to be an old Joe Miller, is the
worst," exclaimed I. "Not to subject myself any longer to such wretched
attempts, I shall go and dress for dinner."

"By way of obtaining _re-dress_! Well, I hope we shall be _better
suited_ when we meet again," rejoined Freddy, fairly punning me out of
the room.

Mr. Frampton returned from town late that evening, but in high health
and spirits, having been closeted for some hours with his legal adviser,
who had given him clear instructions as to the course he was to pursue
to obtain possession of his niece on the following day.

When I retired to my room that night, I was too much excited to sleep,
but it was excitement of a pleasurable nature. I lay picturing to myself
the next day's scene-- ~442~~ the surprise and anger of Mr. Vernor--the
impotent fury of Cumberland's disappointed avarice--the grotesque joy of
old Peter Barnett--and, above all, the unspeakable delight of rescuing
my sweet Clara from a home so unfitted to her gentle nature, and
removing her to an atmosphere of kindness and affection; and with such
pleasant thoughts wandering through my brain, towards morning I fell
into a sound sleep. The sun was shining brightly when I again unclosed
my eyes, and, hastily dressing, I hurried down to the breakfast-room,
where I found Mr. Frampton already engaged in discussing a very
substantial meal.

"Umph! I didn't expect you would have turned lie-abed this morning,
of all the days in the year, Master Frank," was his salutation on my
entrance.

"I really am ashamed of myself," replied I, sitting down to the
breakfast-table; "but my thoughts were so busy, and my mind so filled
with anticipations of coming happiness, that I did not contrive to get
to sleep till quite morning."

"Umph! serve you right--you never should anticipate anything; depend
upon it, it's the surest way to prevent what you wish for coming to
pass. When I was in the Mahratta country, I anticipated I was going to
marry the Begum of Tincumrupee--splendid woman! kept forty-two elephants
for her own special riding, and wore a necklace of pearls as big
as hazel nuts. What was the consequence? Instead of fulfilling my
expectations, one fine morning she changed her mind, took up with a
tawny, and ordered me to be strangled, only I got timely notice of her
benevolent intentions, and lost no time in putting myself under the
protection of my old crony, Blessimaboo, the Rajah of Coddleafellah.
Umph!"

"Let me give you another cup of coffee, since the lady with the
unpronounceable name did not succeed in her amiable design of destroying
your swallowing powers for ever," returned I.

"Umph! I won't say No--there's nothing like serving out good rations
to your men before they go into action; I've seen campaigning enough to
know that."

"On the strength of which argument I shall cut you another slice of
ham," rejoined I, suiting the action to the word. At length even Mr.
Frampton's excellent appetite appeared exhausted, and he declared
himself ready to face old Vernor if he should prove as cantankerous as
a rhinoceros in hysterics; after which statement we proposed to start on
our expedition. During his visit to ~443~~ town on the previous day, Mr.
Frampton had purchased a very handsome light travelling carriage, which,
with post-horses, was now in waiting to convey us to Barstone. On
our way thither, my companion informed me of the particulars of his
interview with his legal adviser, and the powers with which he was
invested, and which were to be brought to bear upon Mr. Vernor, if, as
was to be expected, he should attempt to resist the claim. As the effect
of the information thus acquired will appear in the course of this
veritable history, I need say no more concerning the matter at present.
We then proceeded to lay down the plan of operations, which embraced an
innocent little stratagem for more effectually taking "the change"
out of Mr. Vernor, as Lawless would have termed it. It was agreed,
in pursuance of this scheme, that I should open the conversation, by
informing Clara's guardian that, owing to an unexpected change in my
fortunes, I was now in possession of means amply sufficient to maintain
a wife, and had therefore come to renew my suit for the hand of his
fair ward, merely introducing Mr. Frampton as a friend of mine, who was
prepared to furnish proof of the truth of my statement, if Mr. Vernor
were not satisfied with my bare assertion. According to the way in which
he should behave when this communication was made to him, were we
to regulate our after conduct. I now learned for the first time that
Frampton was not my benefactor's real name, but one which he had adopted
when he commenced his wanderings, and which he determined to retain on
learning, as he imagined he had done indisputably, that his family was
extinct. This accounted for the otherwise strange fact, that Mr. Vernor
should have remained in ignorance, up to the present period, of the
existence of his ward's uncle. Lady Saville's maiden name, as I had been
previously told, was Elliot, and my companion's real title, therefore,
was Ralph Elliot. So occupied were we in discussing these interesting
topics, that we had reached the gates of Bar-stone Park before our
conversation began to flag; but the sight of the old quaintly built
lodge, realising, as it did, the object of our visit, raised a host of
varying thoughts and feelings too powerful for utterance; and, by mutual
consent, we finished our drive in silence.

A servant, whose face was unknown to me, answered the door; and replying
in the affirmative to my inquiry whether Mr. Vernor was at home led the
way to the library.

"What name shall I say, sir?"

~444~~ "Merely say, two gentlemen wish to see Mr. Vernor upon business,"
was my reply; and in another moment I was once again face to face with
Clara's guardian. He looked older and thinner than when I had seen him
before, and care and anxiety had left their traces even on his iron
frame: he was less erect than formerly, and I observed that, when his
eyes fell upon me, his lip quivered, and his hand shook with suppressed
irritation. Still his face wore the same cold, immovable, relentless
expression as ever; and when he spoke, it was with his usual sarcastic
bitterness.

"I cannot imagine under what possible pretext Mr. Fairlegh can expect
to be regarded in this house in any other light than as an unwelcome
intruder, after his late outrageous conduct," was the speech with which
he received me.

"If you refer, sir, to the well-merited chastisement I inflicted on your
nephew, I can only say, that Mr. Cumberland alike provoked the quarrel
and commenced the attack; if you have received a true account of the
matter, you must be aware it was not until your nephew had struck me
more than once with his cane that I returned the blow."

"Well, sir, we will not discuss the affair any farther, as I presume it
was scarcely for the purpose of justifying yourself that you have come
hither to-day."

"You are right, sir," returned I; "and not to prolong a conversation
which appears disagreeable to you, I will proceed at once to the purport
of my visit. You have not, I imagine, forgotten the occasion of my
former intrusion, as you termed it?"

"No, sir," he replied angrily, "I have not forgotten the presumptuous
hopes you entertained, nor the cool effrontery with which you, a needy
man--not to use any stronger term--preferred your suit for the hand and
_fortune_" he added, laying a strong emphasis upon the last word, "of my
ward, Miss Saville."

"That suit, sir, I am now about to renew," replied I, "but no longer
as the needy fortune-hunter you were pleased to designate me. My friend
here is prepared to show you documents to prove, if you require it, that
I am, at this moment, in possession of an income amply sufficient to
support a wife, and that, should my proposal find favour with your ward,
I am in a position to offer her an establishment embracing not only the
comforts but the refinements of life, and am prepared to make as liberal
settlements as can reasonably be required of me: ~445~~ her own fortune
I wish to have placed entirely under her own control."

As I spoke his brow grew dark as night, and rising from his chair, he
exclaimed, "I'll not believe it, sir! This is some new trick--I know
your scheming talents of old; but, however," he continued, seeing, no
doubt, from my manner, that I was in a position to prove the truth of my
assertions, "rich or poor, it makes no difference in my decision; I have
but one answer to give--I have other prospects in view, other intentions
in regard to the disposal of my ward's hand, and, once for all, I
finally and unhesitatingly reject your offer."

"I believe, sir," replied I, restraining by an appealing glance Mr.
Frampton, whose zeal in my cause was becoming almost ungovernable, and
who was evidently burning to be at him, as he afterwards expressed it--
"I believe, sir, I am right in imagining Miss Saville is of age, in
which case I must insist upon your laying my proposal before her, and on
receiving her decision from her own lips."

"She is of age, sir, but her late father, knowing how liable girls are,
from their warm feelings, and ignorance of the ways of the world, to
become the prey of designing persons, wisely inserted a clause in his
will, by which it is provided, that in case of her marrying without my
consent, her fortune shall pass into my hands, to be disposed of as I
may consider advisable. I need scarcely add, that in the event of her
marrying Mr. Fairlegh, she will do so without a farthing."

"Umph! eh? perhaps not, sir--perhaps not; you seem to me to look upon
this matter in a false light, Mr. Vernor--Umph! a very false light; and
not to treat my young friend with the degree of courtesy which he and
every other honourable man has a right to expect from any one calling
himself a gentleman. Umph! Umph!"

"Really I cannot be expected to discuss the matter farther," replied Mr.
Vernor, with greater irritation of manner than he had yet suffered to
appear. "I have not formed my opinion of Mr. Fairlegh hastily, nor on
insufficient grounds, and it is not very probable that I shall alter it
on the representations of a nameless individual, brought here for the
evident purpose of chorusing Mr. Fairlegh's assertions, and assisting
to browbeat those who may be so unfortunate as to differ from him. You
must find such a friend invaluable, I should imagine," he added, turning
towards me with a supercilious smile. "Umph! nameless individual,
sir--nameless ~446~~ individual, indeed! Do you know who you are talking
to?" Then came the aside, "Of course he does not, how should be? Umph!"