Frank Fairlegh

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"Well, let her say 'no' as if she meant it," said Lawless; "women can,
if they like, eh? and then it will all be as right as ninepence. Eh!
don't you see?"

"Easier said than done, Lawless, unfortunately," replied Coleman; "my
fat rival is the son of an opulent drysalter, and last year he contrived
to get rid of his father."

"Dry-salted him, perhaps?" suggested Lawless.

"The consequence is," continued Coleman, not heeding the interruption,
"he is as rich as Croesus; now Lucy hasn't a penny, and all her family
are as poor as rats, so what does he do but go to my father, promises to
settle no end of tin on her, and ends by asking him to manage the matter
for him. Whereupon the governor sends for Lucy, spins her a long yarn
about duty to her family, declares she'll never get a better offer, and
winds up by desiring her to accept the dolt forthwith; and Lucy writes
to me, poor girl! to say she's in a regular fix, and thinks she'd
better die of a broken heart on the spot, unless I can propose any less
distressing but equally efficient alternative."

"What does your governor say? that she'll never have a better offer?"
asked Lawless.

"Yes," replied Freddy, "and, in the common acceptation of the term, I'm
afraid it's a melancholy truth."

"Hum! yes, that'll do," continued Lawless ~425~~ meditatively. "Freddy,
I've thought of a splendid dodge, by which we may obtain the following
advantages. _Imprimis_, selling the governor no end; _secundis_,
insuring me a jolly lark--and 'pon my word I require a little innocent
recreation to raise my spirits; and, lastly, enabling you to marry your
cousin, and thus end, as the pantomimes always do, with a grand triumph
of virtue and true love over tyranny and oppression! So now, listen to
me!"

CHAPTER LII -- LAWLESS ASTONISHES MR. COLEMAN

"'Now, all your writers do consent that _ipse_ is he; now,
are you not _ipse_, for I am he?' "'Which he, sir?' "'He,
sir, that must marry this woman. Therefore, you clown,
abandon--which is, in the vulgar, leave the society--which,
in the boorish, is company of this female--which, in the
common, is woman--which together is, abandon the society of
this female; or clown.... I will o'errun thee with policy;
therefore tremble, and depart.'"
--_As You Like, It_.

"AS far as I understand the matter," said Lawless, nodding sapiently,
"the great obstacle to your happiness is the drysalter, and the chief
object you desire to attain is his total abolition, eh?"

Coleman assenting to these premises, Lawless continued, "Supposing, by
certain crafty dodges, this desirable consummation arrived at, if you
could show your governor that you had four or five hundred pounds a year
of your own to start with, one of his main objections to your union with
this female--young woman would be knocked on the head?"

"My good fellow," returned Freddy with a slight tone of annoyance, "I'm
as fond of a joke as any man, but when I tell you that I am foolish
enough to take this matter somewhat deeply to heart--that if Lucy is
forced to marry the brute, she'll be wretched for life, and I shall not
be much otherwise--I think you'll choose some other subject for your
mirth."

"Why, Freddy, old boy, you don't suppose I'm poking fun at you, do you?
Why, I would not do such a thing at any price--no! 'pon my honour, I'm
as serious as a judge, I am indeed; but the best way will be to tell
you my plan at once, and then you'll see the logic of the thing. In
the first place, your governor says that Lucy is to ~426~~ marry the
drysalter, because he's the best offer she's ever likely to have,
doesn't he?"

"Yes, that's right enough, so far," replied Freddy.

"What's the drysalter worth? whereabouts is the figure?"

"Two thousand a year, they say," returned Freddy with a sigh.

"And I shall come into nearer five, in a month's time," returned
Lawless; "got the whip hand of him there, and no mistake."

"You!" exclaimed Coleman, astonished.

"Eh, yes! I, my own self--the Honourable George Lawless at your service,
age five and twenty--height five feet nine--rides under ten stone--sound
wind and limb--five thousand per annum, clear income and a peerage in
perspective--ain't that better than a drysalter, eh?"

"Why, Lawless, you are gone stark staring mad," interrupted I; "what on
earth has all that got to do with Freddy and his cousin?"

"Don't stop him," cried Coleman, "I begin to see what he is aiming at."

"Eh! of course you do, Freddy, boy," continued Lawless; "and it's
not such a bad dodge either, is it? Your governor lays down the broad
principle that the highest bidder shall be the purchaser, and on this
ground backs the drysalter; now if I drive over this morning, propose
in due form for your cousin's hand, and outbid the aforesaid drysalting
individual, the governor must either sacrifice his consistency, or
accept my offer."

"Well, and suppose he does, what good have you done then?" asked I.

"Eh, good?" returned Lawless, "every good to be sure; and first and
foremost knocked over the drysalter--if I'm accepted, he must be
rejected, that's a self-evident fact. Well, once get rid of him, and
it's all plain sailing--I find a hundred reasons for delaying to fulfil
my engagement; in a month's time I come into my property (the jolly old
aunt who left it me tied it up till I was five and twenty--and the old
girl showed her sense too, for ten to one I should have made ducks and
drakes of it when I was young and foolish); very well--I appoint Freddy
agent and receiver of the rents--(the fellow that has it now makes five
hundred a year of it, they tell me); and then suddenly change my mind,
jilt Miss Markham, and if Governor Coleman chooses to cut up rough,
he may bring an action of 'breach of promise,' lay the damages at five
thousand, and so get a nice little round sum to buy ~427~~ the young
woman's wedding clothes when she marries Freddy. That's the way to do
business, isn't it, eh?"

"'Pon my word it's a grand idea," said Coleman; "how came you ever to
think of it? But, my dear Lawless, are you really in earnest about the
receivership?"

"In earnest? to be sure I am; I always intended it."

"I'm sure I'm very much obliged to you," replied Freddy, in a tone of
grateful surprise; "it's the kindest thing in the world; but about the
first part of your plan, I don't know what to say."

"You never can think of carrying out such a mad scheme," remonstrated I;
"I thought, of course, you were only in jest."

"Can you propose anything better, eh?" asked Lawless.

"Why, I don't know," returned I, musing. "Suppose Freddy were to go and
tell his father of his attachment, and say that the receivership, with
a small share in the business, would enable him to support a wife
comfortably--how would that do?"

"No use," said Freddy; "as long as that aggravating drysalter, with his
two thousand per annum, is in the field, my father would consider it his
duty to say 'No'."

"Eh? yes, of course," rejoined Lawless, "fathers always do consider
their duty to be intensely unpleasant on all such occasions, and it's
a duty they never neglect either--I will say that for them. No! depend
upon it, mine is the only plan."

"Really, Frank, I don't see what else is to be done," urged Freddy; "the
danger from the drysalter is great and imminent, remember."

"Well, you and Lawless can settle it between you: you are a pair of
eccentric geniuses, and know how you like to manage your own affairs
better than a sober-minded man such as I am."

"I tell you what, Mr. Sober-minded-man, I mean to take you with me on my
expedition; I shall want somebody to pat me on the back--besides, your
proper, well-behaved manner will give an air of respectability to the
affair."

"Really you must--" began I.

"Really I won't," retorted Lawless; while Coleman, seizing me by the
arm, drew me on one side.

"Frank, without any joke, I think this freak of Law-less's may enable me
to get rid of my rival--this Mr. Lowe Brown--and I should take it as the
greatest kindness if you would go with him, and keep him in order; of
course I must not be seen at all in the matter myself."

~428~~ "Well, if you are really in earnest, and want me to go, I'll do
it," replied I; "though I don't see that I shall be of much use."

"Shall I write and put Lucy up to it, or not?" rejoined Coleman
meditatively.

"If you take my advice, you will not," replied I; "in fact, the success
of your scheme depends very much on keeping her in the dark as to
Lawless's not being a _bona fide_ offer. Either her simple woman's mind
would dislike the trickery of the thing altogether, or she would excite
suspicion by falling into the plot too readily. I would merely write her
a cheering note, telling her that you were likely to get an appointment
which would enable you to marry; urging her to be firm in her refusal
of your abomination, Mr. Brown; hinting that a broken heart would be
premature, if not altogether superfluous, and giving her a few general
notions that the affair would end happily, without touching upon Lawless
at all."

"Perhaps it would be as well," replied Freddy; "at all events it will
add greatly to the fun of the thing."

"And let me tell you, that's a consideration by no means to be lost
sight of," put in Lawless, who had overheard the last remark.
"Depend upon it, it's a man's duty--partly to himself, partly to his
neighbour--never to miss an opportunity of recruiting his exhausted
and care-worn frame, and all that sort of thing, by enjoying a little
innocent recreation: '_nec semper_'--what do ye call it?--'_tendit
Apollo_,' eh?"

"That's quite my view of the case," said Freddy, whose elastic
spirits were fast recovering their accustomed buoyancy. "I hate the
dolefuls--Care killed a cat."

"If that's the worst thing Care ever did, I'll forgive her, eh?" said
Lawless, "for cats are horrid poaching varmints, and make awful havoc
among the young rabbits. Well, Fairlegh, have you made up your mind?"

"Yes," replied I, "I am at your service for this morning; but
understand, I merely go as a spectator of your prowess."

"As you like, man. I'll order the chestnuts--go and polish up a
little--and then for walking into Governor Coleman, and bowling out the
drysalter."

The chestnuts whirled us over to Hillingford in less than an hour.
Lawless, delighted at being allowed to put his project into execution,
was in wild spirits, and kept me in fits of laughter the whole way, by
his quaint remarks on men and things.

"Is the governor visible, John?" was his address to the ~429~~ footman
who answered the door, and who, apparently not being favoured by Nature
with any superfluous acuteness of intellect or sweetness of disposition,
merely stared sulkily in reply.

"The fellow's a fool," muttered Lawless, "and can't understand English.
Hark ye, sirrah," he continued, "is your master at home?"

As the hero of the shoulder-knot vouchsafed an affirmative reply to
this somewhat more intelligible query, we alighted, and were straightway
ushered into the drawing-room, where we found Mr. and Mrs. Coleman,
and, as Lawless afterwards expressed it, "a party unknown," who was
immediately, with much pomp and ceremony, introduced to us by the name
of Mr. Lowe Brown, an announcement which elicited from my companion
the whispered remark, "The drysalter himself, by jingo! this looks like
business, old fellow; there's no time to be lost, depend upon it".

"Ah I Mr. Lawlegh," exclaimed Mrs. Coleman, shaking hands cordially with
Lawless, "I thought we were never going to see you again, and I'm sure I
was quite delighted, though the servant kept you so long waiting at the
gate, till I got Mr. Brown to ring the bell; and Mr. Fairless too,
so kind of him, with those beautiful chestnut horses standing there
catching cold, in that very high gig, which must be so dangerous, if you
were to fall out, both of you."

"No fear of that, ma'am," replied Lawless; "Fairlegh and I have known
each other too long to think of falling out in a hurry--firm friends,
ma'am, as your son Freddy would say."

"Poor Freddy," returned Mrs. Coleman affectionately, "did he send any
message by you, to say when he is coming home again? We shall have some
good news for him, I hope--for he was always very fond of his cousin
Lucy."

"Family affection is a fine thing, ma'am," said Lawless, winking at me,
"and ought to be encouraged at any price, eh?"

"Very true, Mr. Lawlegh, very true; and I am glad to find you think
so, instead of living at those nasty clubs all day, turning out wild,
smoking cigars like a German student, and breaking your mother's heart
with a latchkey, at one o'clock in the morning, afterwards, when you
ought to have been in bed and asleep for the last three hours. Good-bye,
and God bless you."

The six concluding words of Mrs. Coleman's not ~430~~ over-perspicuous
speech were addressed to Mr. Lowe Brown, who rose to take leave. This
gentleman (for such I presume one is bound to designate him, however
little appearance might warrant such an appellation) was a snort, stout,
not to say fat personage, with an unmeaning pink and white face, and a
smug self-satisfied manner and look, which involuntarily reminded one
of a sleek and well-conditioned tom-cat. Old Mr. Coleman rose also, and
shaking his hand with great _empressement_, left the room with him in
order to conduct him to the door with due honour.

"Look at the servile old rogue, worshipping that snob's two thousand
pounds per annum," whispered Lawless; "we'll alter his tune before
long. Fascinating man, Mr. Brown, ma'am," he continued, addressing Mrs.
Coleman.

"Yes, I'm glad you like him; he's a very good quiet young man, and
constantly reminds me of my poor dear aunt Martha, who is a peaceful
saint in Brixton churchyard, after this vale of tears, where we must all
go, only she hadn't two thousand pounds a year, though she was so lucky
at short whist, always turning up honours when she liked."

"Trump of a partner she must have been, and no mistake!" said Lawless
enthusiastically. "I suppose she didn't leave the recipe behind her,
ma'am?"

"No, Mr. Fairless, no! at least I never heard she did, though I've got
a recipe of hers for cherry-brandy, which she was so fond of, and a very
good one it is, poor thing! But Mr. Brown, you see, with his fortune,
might look so much higher, that, as Mr. Coleman says, it's a chance she
may never have again, and it would be madness to throw it away, in her
circumstances too."

"Did Mr. Brown think of marrying your aunt, then, ma'am?" asked Lawless
with an air of would-be innocence.

"No, my dear--I mean, Mr. Lawlegh, no--she died, and he went to Merchant
Tailor's School together, that is in the same year; we were making it
out last night--no, it's Lucy, poor dear, and a famous thing it is for
her, only I'm afraid she can't bear the sight of him."

[Illustration: page430 Mammon Worship]

At this moment Mr. Coleman returned, and Lawless, giving me a sly
glance, accosted him with a face of the most perfect gravity, begging
the favour of a few minutes' private conversation with him, a request
which that gentleman, with a slight appearance of surprise, immediately
granted, and they left the room together.

During their absence, good Mrs. Coleman confided to ~431~~ me, with much
circumlocution, her own private opinion, that Lucy and Mr. Brown were by
no means suited to each other, "because, you see, Mr. Fairless, my dear,
Lucy's clever, and says sharp funny things that make one laugh, what
they call _piquante_, you know, and poor Mr. Brown, he's very quiet and
good-natured, but he's not used to that sort of thing; and she, what you
call, laughs at him"; ending with a confession that she thought Freddy
and Lucy were made for each other, and that she had always hoped some
day to see them married.

Dear, kind-hearted, puzzle-headed little woman! how I longed to comfort
her, by giving her a glimpse behind the scenes! but it would have
entailed certain ruin; she would have made confusion worse confounded of
the best laid scheme that Machiavelli ever concocted.

When Lawless and Mr. Coleman returned from their _tete-a-tete_, it was
easy to see, by the nattered but perplexed expression discernible in the
countenance of the elder, and a grin of mischievous delight in that of
the younger gentleman, that the stratagem had succeeded so far, and that
a cloud had already shaded the fair hopes of the unconscious Mr. Lowe
Brown.

"Ah--a--hem! my dear Mrs. Coleman," began her spouse, his usually
pompous manner having gained an accession of dignity, which to those who
guessed the cause of it was irresistibly absurd.

"A-hem--as I am, I believe, right in supposing Mr. Fairlegh is
acquainted with the object of his friend's visit--"

"All right, sir!" put in Lawless; "go ahead."

"And as I am particularly requested to inform you of the honour" (with
a marked stress on the word) "done to a member of my family, I conceive
that I am guilty of no breach of confidence in mentioning that Mr.
Lawless has proposed to me, in due form, for the hand of my niece, Lucy
Markham, offering to make most liberal settlements; indeed, considering
that the fortune Lucy is justified in expecting at her father's death
is very inconsiderable--an income of four hundred pounds a year divided
amongst thirteen children, deducting a jointure for the widow, should my
sister survive Mr. Markham--"

"Never mind the tin, Mr. Coleman," interrupted Lawless, "you don't catch
me buying a mare for the sake of her trappings. In the first place,
second-hand harness is never worth fetching home; and in the next, let
me tell you, sir, it's your niece's good points I admire: small head
well set on--nice light neck--good slanting shoulder ~432~~ --pretty
fore-arm--clean about the pasterns--fast springy action--good-tempered,
a little playful, but no vice about her; and altogether as sweet a thing
as a man need wish to possess. Depend upon it, Mr. Coleman," continued
Lawless, who, having fallen into his usual style of speech, was fairly
off, "depend upon it, you'd be very wrong to let her get into a dealer's
hands--you would indeed, sir; and if Mr. Brown isn't in that line it's
odd to me. I've seen him down at Tattersall's in very shady company, if
I'm not much mistaken; he's the cut of a leg, every inch of him."

Want of breath fortunately obliging him to stop, Lawless's chief
auditors, who had gleaned about as much idea of his meaning as if he had
been haranguing them in Sanscrit, now interposed; Mrs. Coleman to invite
us to stay to luncheon, and her husband to beg that his niece Lucy might
be summoned to attend him in his study, as he should consider it his
duty to lay before her Mr. Lawless's very handsome and flattering
proposal.

"And suppose Lucy should take it into her head, by any chance, to say
Yes" ("Never thought of that, by Jove!--that would be a sell," muttered
Lawless, aside),--"what's to become of poor dear Mr. Lowe Brown?"
inquired Mrs. Coleman anxiously.

"In such a case," replied her lord and master, with a dignified wave
of the hand, pausing as he left the room, and speaking with great
solemnity,--"in such a case, Mr. Lowe Brown will perceive that it is his
duty, his direct and evident duty, to submit to his fate with the calm
and placid resignation becoming the son of so every way respectable and
eminent a man as his late lamented father, my friend, the drysalter."

CHAPTER LIII -- A COMEDY OF ERRORS

"Content you, gentlemen,
I'll compound this strife.... He of both
That can assure _my nieces_ greatest dower,
Shall have her love."
"I must confess your offer is the best,
And let your father make her the assurance,
She is your own."
--_Taming of the Shrew_.

POOR pretty little Lucy Markham! what business had tears to come
and profane, with their tell-tale traces, that bright, merry face of
thine--fitting index to thy warm heart and sunny disposition! And yet,
in the quenched ~433~~ light of that dark eye, in the heavy swollen lid,
and in the paled roses of thy dimpled cheek, might be read the tokens of
a concealed grief, that, like "a worm i' the bud," had already begun to
mar thy sparkling beauty. Heed it not, pretty Lucy--sorrow such as thine
is light and transient, and succour, albeit in a disguise thou canst not
penetrate, is even now at hand. As the young lady in question entered
the luncheon-room, returning Lawless's salutation with a most becoming
blush, the thought crossed my mind, that in his position I should be
almost tempted to regret I was destined to perform the lover's part "on
that occasion only". Such, however, were not the ideas of my companion,
for he whispered to me, "I say, Frank, she looks uncommon friendly,
eh?--I don't know what to make of it, I can tell you; this is getting
serious".

"You must endeavour by your manner to neutralise your many
fascinations," replied I, striving to hide a smile, for he was evidently
in earnest.

"Neutralise my grandmother!" was the rejoinder; "I can't go and be rude
to the young woman. How d'ye do, miss?" he continued gruffly; "how d'ye
do? you see, we left Fred--" (here I nudged him, to warn him to avoid
that subject)--"that is, we left Heathfield,--I mean started early--Let
me help you, Mrs. Coleman;--precious tough customer that chicken seems
to be--elderly bird, ma'am, and no mistake--who'll have a wing?"

"Really, Mr. Lawless, you are very rude to my poor chicken; it's out of
our own farm-yard, I assure you; and the turkey-cock, his sister, that's
Lucy's mother, sent him here; she has thirteen children you know, poor
thing, and lives at Dorking; they are famous for all having five toes,
you know, and growing so very large, and this must be one of them, I
think."

"They were Dorking fowls mamma sent you, aunt; you don't keep turkeys,"
interposed Lucy, as Lawless fairly burst out laughing--an example which
it was all I could do to avoid imitating.

"Yes, to be sure, my dear, I said so, didn't I? I remember very well
they came in a three-dozen hamper, poor things, and were put in the back
kitchen because it was too late to turn them out; and as soon as it was
light they began to crow, and to make that noise about laying eggs, you
know, so that I never got a wink of sleep after, thinking of your
poor mother, and all her troubles--thirteen of them, dear me! till
Mr. Coleman ~434~~ got up and turned them out, with a bad cold, in his
dressing-gown and slippers."

"Freddy begged me to tell you that he would write to you tomorrow,"
observed I, aside to Lucy; adding the enigmatical message, that "he had
some good news to communicate, and that matters were not so bad as you
imagined."

"Ah! but it doesn't--he can't know--Mr. Fairlegh," she added, looking at
me with an earnest, inquiring glance; "you are his most intimate friend;
has he told you the cause of his annoyance?"

"Allow me to congratulate you, Mr. Fairlegh, on the very excellent match
your sister is about to make--the Oaklands family is one of the oldest
in the county," said Mr. Coleman with an air of solemn politeness.

"Oh! yes, we are all so glad to hear of it, your sister is so pretty,
and we had been told there was some young scamp or other dangling after
her."

"Um! eh? oh! that's rather too much, though," said Lawless, turning very
red, and fidgeting on his chair; "pray may I ask, Mrs. Coleman,
whether it was a man you happened to hear that from? because he must
be--ar--funny--fellow--ar--worth knowing--ar--I should like to make his
acquaintance."

"Why, really!--let me see--was it Jones the grocer, or Mrs. Muddles when
she brought home the clean linen? I think it was Jones, but I know it
came with the clean clothes, and they had heard it from some of the
servants," returned Mrs. Coleman.

"I'll boil Shrimp alive when I get back," muttered Lawless, "and have
him sent up in the fish-sauce."

"Yes," replied I to Lucy, as soon as the conversation again became
general, "Freddy gave me an outline of the cause of his disquietude; but
from a hint Lawless dropped in our way here to-day, Mr. Lowe Brown is
likely to have a somewhat powerful rival, is he not?"

"Oh! then you know all, Mr. Fairlegh," she replied; "what am I to do? I
am so unhappy--so bewildered!"

"If you will allow me to advise you," returned I, "you will not
positively refuse Lawless; on the contrary, I should encourage him so
far as to ensure the dismissal of Mr. Brown, at all events."

"But would that be light? besides, I should be forced to marry Mr.
Lawless, it I once said Yes."

"I should not exactly say Yes," replied I, smiling at the naive
simplicity of her answer; "I would tell my uncle that, as he was aware,
I had always disliked the ~435~~ attentions of Mr. Brown, and that I
begged he might be definitely informed that it would be useless for him
to attempt to prosecute his suit any farther. I would then add, that it
was impossible for me to agree to accept at once a man of whom I knew so
little as of Lawless, but that I had no objection to his visiting here,
with a view to becoming better acquainted with him. By this means you
will secure the positive advantage of getting rid of the drysalter,
as Freddy calls him, and you must leave the rest to time. Lawless is a
good-natured, generous-spirited fellow, and if he were made aware of the
true state of the case, I do not think he would wish to interfere with
Freddy's happiness, or annoy you by addresses which he must feel were
unacceptable to you."