The Sleeping Bard

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When the tumult was hushed, pope Clement began to speak. "O emperor of
Horrors! as no throne has ever performed more faithful and universal
service to the infernal crown, over a great part of the world, for eleven
hundred years, than the papal chair, I hope you will not suffer any one
to contend with us for your favour." "Well," said a Scott of Cromwell's
army, "though the Koran has done great service for eight hundred years,
and the superstition of the Pope for a much longer period, yet has the
covenant done more since it came out, than the other two have ever done.
Moreover it is notorious that, whilst the votaries of those two are every
day rapidly diminishing, the followers of the covenant are increasing in
numbers, over the whole face of the world, and particularly in the island
of your enemies Britain, whose capital, London, the most noble city under
the sun, abounds with them." "Pshaw, pshaw!" said Lucifer, "if I am
rightly informed, the covenant itself is under a cloud, and you are no
longer what you were. And now I have one thing to tell the whole of
you--which is, that, whatever ye may do in other kingdoms, I will not
permit you to trouble mine. Therefore rest peaceably, under penalty of
worse torments corporeal and spiritual." At those words many of the
devils dropped their tails between their hoofs, and all the damned
sneaked away to their holes, for fear of a change for the worse.

After causing the whole of them to be locked up in their prisons, and the
careless wardens to be deprived of their office, for having permitted
them to break out, Lucifer and his counsellors returned to the palace,
and sat down again, according to their rank, upon their fiery thrones.
After silence had been called and the place cleared, a huge,
wry-shouldered devil, placed a back-load of fresh prisoners before the
bar. "Is this the road to Paradise," said one, (for they all pretended
not to know where they were.) "Or if this be Purgatory," said another,
"we have with us an authority, under the hand of the Pope, to go straight
to Paradise without tarrying any where a minute. Therefore show us the
way, or, by the Pope's toe, we will cause him to punish you." Ha! ha!
ha!--ho! ho! ho! said eight hundred devils; and Lucifer himself, parted
his jaws half a yard in a kind of bitter laugh. The others were
confounded at this; but one said, "well, if we have lost our way in the
darkness, we would pay any one who would guide us." "Ha! ha!" said
Lucifer, "you will pay the last farthing before ye go." Thereupon each
fell to searching for his money, but found, to his sorrow, that he had
left his breeches behind him. Quoth the Arch Fiend, "you left Paradise
on the left hand, above the lofty mountains; and, notwithstanding, it was
so easy to come down here, it is next to impossible to go back, owing to
the nature of the country, through which the road back lies. For it is a
country abounding with mountains of burning iron, immense dismal crags,
sheets of eternal ice, and roaring, headlong cataracts; a country, in
short, far too difficult for you to travel, unless indeed you have talons
of the true devilish length. Come, come," said he to his myrmidons,
"take these blockheads to our paradise, to their companions." At this
moment I could hear the voice of some people who were coming, swearing
and cursing in a frightful manner. "O the Devil! the blood of the Devil!
a hundred thousand devils! a thousand million devils take me if I will go
farther!" but, nevertheless, they were cast slap down before the judge.
"Here you have," said the carrier, "a load of as good fire wood as the
best in Hell." "What are they?" said Lucifer. "Masters of the genteel
art of cursing and swearing," replied the devil; "men who understand the
language of Hell quite as well as ourselves." "You lie in your mouth, by
the Devil!" said one of them. "Sirrah! do you take my name in vain?"
said the Arch Fiend. "Quick! and hang them by their tongues to the
burning precipice yonder, and if they call for the Devil, be ready to
serve them; yea, if they call for a thousand, let them be satisfied."
When these were gone, lo! a giant of a devil vociferated to have the bar
cleared, and flung down a man whom he bore. "What have you brought
there?" said Lucifer. "A tavern-keeper," replied the other. "What,"
said the king, "_one_ tavern-keeper! Why they are in the habit of coming
to the tune of five or six thousand. Have you not been out, sirrah, for
ten years, and yet you bring us but one? and he one who has done us much
more service in the world than yourself, you lazy, stinking dog!" "You
are too ready to condemn me, before listening to me," he replied. "This
fellow only was given to my charge, and, behold! I am clear of him. But
still I have sent to you from his house, many a worthless chap, after
guzzling down the maintenance of his family; many a dicer and
card-player; many a genteel swearer; many a pleasant, good kind of belly
god; and many a careless servant." "Well," said the Arch Fiend, "though
the tavern-keeper has merited to be amongst the flatterers below us, take
him at present to his brethren, in the cell of the liquid murderers; to
the thousands of apothecaries and poisoners, who are there for making
drink to kill their customers--boil him well for not having brewed better
ale." "With your permission," said the tavern-keeper shivering, "I have
deserved no such treatment. Must not every trade live?" "And could you
not live," said the Fiend, "without encouraging dissipation and gaming,
uncleanness, drunkenness, oaths, quarrels, slander and lies? and would
you, hell-hound, live at present better than ourselves! Pray what evil
have we here that you had not at home, the punishment solely excepted?
And having told you this bitter truth, I will add, that the infernal heat
and cold were not unknown to you either.

"Did you not see sparks of our fire in the tongues of the swearers and of
the scolds, when seeking to get their husbands home? Was there not
plenty of the unquenchable fire in the mouth of the drunkard, and in the
eyes of the brawler? And could you not perceive something of the
infernal cold in the lovingness of the spendthrift, and in your own
civility to your customers, whilst any thing remained with them--in the
drollery of the buffoons, in the praise of the envious and the backbiter,
in the promises of the wanton, or in the shanks of the good companions
freezing beneath your tables? Art thou unacquainted with Hell, when the
house thou didst keep was Hell? Go, hell-dog, to thy punishment."

At this moment appeared ten devils with their burdens, which they cast
upon the fiery floor, puffing terribly. "What have you there?" said
Lucifer. "We have brought," said one of the fiendish carriers, "five
things which were called kings the day before yesterday." (I looked
attentively and beheld in one of them old Louis of France.) "Fling them
here," said the king; whereupon they were flung to the other crowned
heads, under the feet of Lucifer.

It was not long before I heard the sound of a brazen trumpet, and a
crying of room! room! room! After waiting a little time, what should be
coming but a drove of sessions folk, the devils carrying six lumps of
justices and a thousand of their fry--consisting of lawyers, attornies,
clerks, recorders, bailiffs, catchpoles, and pettifoggers of the courts.
I was surprised that none of them attempted to cross-question; but they
perceived that the matter was gone against them too far, and so, not one
of these learned disputers opened his mouth; only a pettifogger of the
courts said, that he would lay a plaint of false imprisonment against
Lucifer. "You shall now have cause enough to complain," said the Fiend,
"and yet never have an opportunity of seeing a court with your eyes."
Then, putting on his red cap, Lucifer, with an arrogant, insufferable
look, said, "take the justices to the dungeon of Pontius Pilate and Mr.
Bradshaw, who condemned king Charles. Parch the lawyers in company with
the murderers of Sir Edmund Bury Godfrey, {100} and their double-tongued
brethren, who dispute with one another, for no other purpose than to be
the ruin of any one who comes betwixt them. Let them greet that
provident lawyer--for they will find him here--who offered on his death
bed a thousand pounds for a clear conscience. Let them greet him, and
ask, whether he is now willing to give any thing more. Roast them with
their own parchment and papers; hang the pettifoggers above them, with
their nostrils downwards, in the roasting chimneys, to receive the smoke,
and to see whether they can get their belly-full of law. As for the
recorders, let them be cast among the forestallers, who detain the corn
or buy it up and mix it, and then sell the unsound for double the price
of the pure corn; just as the former demand double the fees for _wrong_,
which were formerly given for _right_. As for the catchpoles, leave them
at liberty to hunt vermin; or send them to the world, among the dingles
and brakes, to seize the debtors of the infernal crown--for what devil
among you will do the work better than they?" At this moment twenty
devils with packs on their shoulders, like Scotchmen, mounted before the
throne of Despair, and what had they got, on enquiry, but gipsies. "Ho!"
said Lucifer, "how did ye know the fortunes of others so well, without
knowing that your own fortune was leading ye to this prison." But the
gipsies said not a word in reply, being confounded at beholding faces
here more ugly than their own. "Hurl them into our deepest dungeon,"
said Lucifer, to the fiends, "and don't starve them; we have here neither
cats nor rush-lights to give them, but let them have a toad between them,
every ten thousand years, provided they are quiet, and do not deafen us
with their gibberish and clibberty clabber." Next to these there came, I
should imagine, about thirty husbandmen. Every one was surprised to see
so many of them, people of their honest calling seldom coming to Hell;
but they were not from the same neighbourhood, nor for the same offences.
Some were for raising the markets; many for refusing to pay tithes, and
cheating the minister of his rights; others for leaving their work, to
follow gentry a hunting, and breaking their legs in endeavouring to leap
with them; some for working on Sundays; some for carrying their sheep and
cattle, in their heads to church, instead of musing on the Word; others
for roguish bargains. When Lucifer began to question them, oh! they were
all as pure as gold; none was aware of having committed any thing which
deserved such a lot. You will not believe what a crafty excuse every one
had to conceal his fault, notwithstanding he was in Hell on account of
it, and this was only done out of malice, to thwart Lucifer and to
endeavour to make the righteous Judge, who had damned them appear unjust.
But you would have been yet more surprised at the dexterity with which
the Arch Fiend laid bare their crimes, and answered their vain excuses
home. But when these were receiving the last infernal sentence, there
came forty scholars before the court, mounted on capering devils, more
ugly, if possible, than Lucifer himself. And when the scholars heard the
husbandmen arguing, they began to excuse themselves the more confidently.
But, oh! how ready the old Serpent was at answering them too,
notwithstanding their craft, and their learning.

But as it was my fortune to hear similar disputations at another
tribunal, I will there give the history of the whole, in one mass; and
will at present relate to you what I next saw. Scarcely had Lucifer
uttered judgment upon these people, and sent them, for the cool
impertinence of their reasons, to the vast sheet, in the country of the
eternal ice, the teeth of the wretches beginning to chatter before they
saw their prison, when Hell began once more, to resound awfully with
terrible blows, harsh blustering thunders, and every sound of war. I
could see Lucifer turn black, and become like a statue; at this moment,
in rushed a little crooked, horned devil, panting and shivering. "What
is the matter?" said Lucifer. "The most perilous to you of all matters
since Hell has been Hell," said the imp; "all the extremes of the kingdom
of Darkness, have broken out against you, and against one another;
particularly those who had any old field in common. They are now at it,
tooth and nail, so that it is impossible to tear them from each other.

"The soldiers are at loggerheads with the physicians, for carrying on
their trade of slaughter; there is a swarm of usurers at loggerheads with
the lawyers, for seeking to spoil their trade; the jurymen and the
duffers are pummelling the gentlemen, for swearing and cursing without
necessity; whereas, swearing and cursing formed part of their trade; the
harlots, and their associates, and millions of other old friends and
acquaintances, have fallen out, and are all in shatters.

"But worse than all, is the contest between the old misers and their own
children, for dissipating their wealth and their money. 'Our property,'
say the pigtails, 'cost us much pain, whilst we were upon the earth, and
is causing us immense suffering _here_ for ever, yet ye have flung it all
away at ducks and drakes.' And the children, on the other hand, are
cursing and tearing the old skin-flints, most furiously, charging their
fathers with being the authors of their misery, by leaving them twenty
times _too much_, to distract them with pride and dissipation; whereas, a
_little_, with a blessing, might have made them happy in both their
states of existence." "Well," said Lucifer, "enough! enough! we have
more need of arms than words. Sirrah, this hubbub is owing to some great
neglect; go back, and pry into every watch, and discover who has been
neglectful; and what dangerous characters have been permitted to escape,
for there are some evils abroad, that are not known." Away he went, at
the word, and in the meanwhile, Lucifer and his potentates arose in
terror, and exceeding consternation, and caused the boldest bands of the
black angels to be assembled. When these were marshalled, he put himself
at the head of his own peculiar band, and marched forth to quell the
insurrection, whilst the potentates went other ways with their legions.

Before the royal troop had gone any great distance, gleaming like the
lightning of the black abodes, (and we behind them,) behold the hubbub
advanced to meet them. "Silence, in the name of the king," said a
fiendish herald. There was no hearing; it was easier to tear the old
crocodile from his prey than one of these.

But when the old tried soldiers of Lucifer broke into the midst of them,
the buzzing, the butting, and the blows began to slacken. "Silence, in
the name of Lucifer," said the hoarse cryer again. "What is the matter?"
said the king; "and who are these?" "There is nothing particularly the
matter," was the answer; "but the drovers, happening in the general
commotion to come in contact with the cuckolds, they went mutually to
butting, to try whose horns were hardest; and this butting might have
gone on for ever, if your horned champions had not interfered." "Well,"
said Lucifer, "since you are all so ready with your arms, turn along with
me to quell other rioters." But when it was buzzed about among the other
rebels, that Lucifer was coming with three horned legions against them,
each slunk away to his lair.

Thus Lucifer advanced without opposition, along the wildernesses of
Destruction, endeavouring to ascertain what was the commencement of the
disturbance, but could obtain no information. After a little time,
however, one of the spies of the king returned, quite out of breath. "O
most noble Lucifer!" said he, "prince Moloch has quieted part of the
North and has scattered thousands over the sheets of ice; but three or
four terrible evils are still out on the wind." "Who are they?" said
Lucifer. "_Slanderer_, and _Meddler_, and _Litigious Pettifogger_," said
he, "have broken their prisons and are at liberty." "Then it would be no
wonder," said the Arch Fiend, "if there should be yet more disturbance."

At this moment there came another, who had been on the look-out towards
the South, with the information that the evil had begun to break out
there; but that three had been taken, who had previously turned every
thing topsy-turvy in the West, and these three were _Madam Bouncer_,
_Contriver_, and_ Coxcomb_. "Well," said Satan, who was standing next
but one to Lucifer, "since I tempted Adam from his garden, I have never
yet seen from his seed, so many evils out upon one piece of business.

"Bouncer, Coxcomb, and Contriver on the one side," he added, "and on the
other Slanderer, Pettifogger, and Meddler are a compound, enough to make
a thousand devils sweat their bowels out." "It is no wonder," said
Lucifer, "that they are so detested by every body on earth, when they are
able to cause us so much trouble here." A little farther on, a great
bouncing lady struck against the king, as she was moving backwards. "Ho!
my aunt of the breeches," said a hoarse devil, "good night to you." "Yes,
your aunt, indeed! on what side pray?" said she, very wrathful, because
she was not called madam.

"A pretty king are you, sir Lucifer," said she, "to keep such unmannerly
blockheads; it is a sin that so large a kingdom should be under one so
incompetent to govern them. O that I were made deputy over it!" At this
moment behold the _Coxcomb_, nodding his head in the dark, "Your servant,
sir," he would say to one over his shoulder.--"I hope you are quite
well," said he to another.--"Is there any service which I can render
you," to a third, smiling conceitedly.--"Your beauty ravishes my heart,"
said he to the bouncing wench. "Oh! oh! away with this hell-dog," said
she; whilst every one cried, "away with this new tormentor! Hell upon
Hell is he!" "Bind him and her head to tail," said Lucifer.

After a little time, behold _Courts Comprised_ held betwixt two devils.
"O ho! angel of patience," said Lucifer, "are you come? Hold him fast on
your peril," said he to the satellites. Before we had advanced far,
there came the _Contriver_ and the _Slanderer_ bound betwixt forty
devils, and whispering in each others ears. "O most mighty Lucifer!"
said the _Contriver_, "I am exceedingly grieved to see so much
disturbance in your dominions, but I will teach you a way to prevent such
in future, if you will but grant me a hearing. You only need, under
pretence of a general parliament, to summon all the damned to the glowing
pandemonium, and then cause the devils to cast them headlong into the
throat of _Unknown_, and the gulf to be closed over them, and then, I
warrant you, they will give you no more trouble." "See," said Lucifer,
frowning very horribly on the _Contriver_, "the universal Meddler is
still behind." On returning again to the porch of the infernal palace,
who should come with the fairest face imaginable to meet the king but the
_Meddler_. "O my liege," said he, "I have a word for you." "Perhaps I
have one or two for you," said the Fiend. "I have been," continued the
Meddler, "over half _Destruction_, to observe how your affairs are
standing. You have many officers in the East doing nothing at all; but
sitting still instead of looking to the torments of their prisoners, or
keeping guard over them, and this has been the cause of all this great
disturbance. Besides," said he, "many of your devils, and your damned
too, whom you dispatched to the world to tempt folks, are not returned,
though their time is out; and others have arrived in a sculking manner,
and not given an account of their errands."

Then Lucifer caused the herald to proclaim another parliament; and lo!
before you could turn your hand, all the potentates and satellites were
met together, to hold the infernal sessions again. The first thing which
was done was to change the officers, and to cause a place to be made
about the throat of Unknown, for the reception of the Coxcomb, the
bouncing lady, and the rest; the two first were tied nose to nose, and
the other rioters tail to tail. Then a law was promulgated, that whoever
should henceforth neglect his duty, whether imp or lost man, should be
cast there among them until the day of judgment. At these words you
might see all the goblins--yea, Lucifer himself--tremble and look
agitated. The next thing was to call some devils and some damned to
reckoning, who had been sent to the world to hunt up recruits: the devils
gave a very good account of themselves; but some of the damned were lame
in their reckoning, and were sent to the hot school, where they were
scourged with twisted fiery serpents, for not learning their lesson
better.

"Hear my complaint," said a little informing devil. "Here is a pretty
woman when trimmed out, who was sent up to the world, to hunt subjects
for you by means of their hearts; and to whom did she offer herself, but
to a hard-working labourer coming home late from his occupation, who
instead of enjoying himself with her, went upon his knees to pray against
the Devil and his angels: at another time, she went to a sick man." "Ha!"
said Lucifer, "cast her to that lost useless wench, who loved of yore
Einion ab Gwalehmai, {108} of Anglesey." "Stay," said the fair one,
"this is but the first offence. It is not yet above a year, since the
day when I breathed my last, and was damned to your accursed government."
"She speaks true, O king of Torments! It is not yet a year by three
weeks," said the devil who had brought her there. "Therefore," said she,
"how would you have me so well versed as the damned, who have been here
for three hundred, or out abroad depredating for five hundred years. If
you desire from me better service, let me go into the world another time
or two unchastised; and if I do not bring you twenty harlot-mongers, for
every year that I am out, inflict upon me whatever punishment you
please." But the verdict went against her, and she was condemned to
punishment for a hundred long years, that she might remember better the
second time.

At this moment, behold another devil pushing a fellow forward. "Here you
have," said he, "a pretty dog of a messenger. As he was prowling about
his old neighbourhood, above stairs, the other night, he saw a thief
going to steal a stallion, and could not so much as help him to catch the
horse without showing himself, frightening the thief so by his horrible
appearance, that he took warning and became an honest man from that
time." "With the permission of the court," said the fellow, "if the
thief had got the gift from _above_ to see me, could I help it? But at
worst this is a single peccadillo," said he; "it is not above a hundred
years since the day which terminated my mortal career, yet how many of my
friends and neighbours have I not tempted hither after me, during that
time? May I be in the deepest pit, if I have not as much inclination for
the trade as the best of you; but now and then the craftiest will err."
"Here," said Lucifer, "cast him to the school of the fairies, who are yet
under the rod for their mischievous conduct of old, in strangling some
people and threatening others; startling by such behaviour their
neighbours from their heedlessness, upon whom the terror which they
caused, had probably more effect than twenty sermons would have had."

Next appeared four catchpoles, an informer, and fifteen damned, hauling
two _devils_ forward. "See," said the informer, "lest you should lay the
blame of all that is mismanaged on the seed of Adam, we bring you two of
your old angels, who have spent their time above, quite as badly as the
two preceding. Here is a fellow who has been making as great a fool of
himself, as the Devil did at Shrewsbury the other day; who, in the midst
of the interlude of Doctor Faustus, whilst some, according to the custom
on such occasions, were committing adultery with their eyes, some with
their hands, others making assignations for the same purpose, and doing
various other things profitable to your kingdom, made his appearance to
play his own part; by which blunder, he drove every one from taking his
pleasure to praying. In like manner did this numskull act; for, whilst
journeying over the world, on hearing two wenches talking of walking
round the church at night, in order to see their sweethearts, he must
needs show himself in the figure he wears at home, to the two fools, who
on recovering their senses, which at first they lost from fright,
solemnly abjured all frivolity for ever. There's a ninny-hammer for you!
Instead of appearing like a devil, he ought to have divided himself and
assumed the forms of two dirty, unlicked boors; for the girls would have
imagined themselves bound to accept them, and then the filthy goblin
might have lived as husband with the two female parties, without
troubling a clergyman to perform the marriage.

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