The Sleeping Bard
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Ellis Wynne >> The Sleeping Bard
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Next at hand was a meagre skeleton of a figure, called the _death of
Fear_. Through his exterior you might see that he did not possess any
heart; and by his door there were bags, and chests also, and locks and
castles. By this gate went usurers, bad governors and tyrants, and some
of the murderers, but the plurality of the latter were driven past to the
next gate, where there was a death called _Gallows_, with his cord ready
for their necks.
Next was to be seen the _death of Love_, and by his feet were hundreds of
instruments, and books of music, and verses, and love letters, and also
ointments and colors to beautify the countenance, and a thousand other
embellishing wares, and also some swords. "With some of those swords,"
said my companion, "bandits have been slain whilst fighting for women,
and with others, love-lorn creatures have stabbed themselves." I could
perceive that this death was purblind.
At the next door, was a death who had the most repulsive figure of all:
his entire liver was consumed. He was called the _death of Envy_. "This
one," said Sleep, "assaults losing gamesters, slanderers, and many a
female rider, who repineth at the law which rendered the wife subject to
her husband." "Pray, sir," said I, "what is the meaning of female
rider?" "Female rider," said he, "is the term used here, for the woman
who would ride her husband, her neighbours, and her country too, if
possible, and the end of her long riding will be, that she will ride the
Devil, from that door, down to hell."
Next stood the door of the _death of Ambition_, and of those who lift
their nostrils on high, and break their shins for want of looking beneath
their feet. Beside this door were crowns, sceptres, banners, all sorts
of patents and commissions, and all kinds of heraldric and warlike arms.
But before I could look on any more of these countless doors, I heard a
voice commanding me by my name to prepare. At this word, I could feel
myself beginning to melt, like a snow ball in the heat of the sun;
whereupon my master gave me some soporific drink, so that I fell asleep,
but by the time I awoke, he had conveyed me to a considerable distance,
on the other side of the wall. I found myself in a valley of pitchy
darkness, and as it seemed to me, limitless. At the end of a little
time, I could see by a dim light, like that of a dying candle,
innumerable human shades--some on foot, and some on horseback, running
through one another like the wind, silently and with wonderful solemnity.
It was a desert, bare, and blasted country, without grass, or vegetation,
or woods, and without animals, with the exception of deadly monsters, and
venomous reptiles of every kind; serpents, snakes, lice, toads,
maw-worms, locusts, ear-wigs, and the like, which all exist on human
corruption. Through myriads of shades, and creeping things, graves,
sepulchres, and cemeteries, we proceeded, without interruption, to
observe the country. At last I perceived some of the shades turning and
looking upon me; and suddenly, notwithstanding the great silence that had
prevailed before, there was a whispering from one to the other that there
was a _living man_ at hand. "A living man," said one; "a living man,"
said the other; and they came thronging about me like caterpillars from
every corner. "How did you come hither, sirrah?" said a little morkin of
a death who was there. "Truly sir," said I, "I know no more than
yourself." "What do they call you?" he demanded. "Call me what you
please, here in your own country," I replied, "but at home I am called
_the Sleeping Bard_."
At that word I beheld a crooked old man, with a double head like to a
rough-barked thorn tree, raising himself erect, and looking upon me worse
than the black devil himself; and lo! without saying a word, he hurled a
large human skull at my head--many thanks to a tombstone which shielded
me. "Pray be quiet, sir," said I. "I am but a stranger, who was never
here before, and you may be sure I will never return, if I can once reach
home again." "I will give you cause to remember having been here," said
he; and attacked me with a thigh-bone, like a very devil, whilst I
avoided his blows as well as I could. "By heavens," said I, "this is a
most inhospitable country to strangers. Is there a justice of the peace
here?" "Peace!" said he, "what peace do you deserve, who will not let
people rest in their graves?" "Pray, sir," said I, "may I be allowed to
know your name, because I am not aware of ever having disturbed any one
in this country." "Sirrah," said he, "know that not you are the Sleeping
Bard, but that I am that person; and I have been allowed to rest here for
nine hundred years, by every one but yourself." And he attacked me
again.
"Forbear, my brother," said Merddyn, who was near at hand, "be not too
hot; rather be thankful to him for keeping an honorable remembrance of
your name upon earth." "Great honor forsooth," said he, "I shall receive
from such a blockhead as this. Sirrah! can you sing in the
four-and-twenty measures? Can you carry the pedigree of Gog and Magog,
and the genealogy of Brutus ap Sylfius, up to a millenium previous to the
fall of Troy? Can you narrate when, and what will be the end of the
combats betwixt the lion and the eagle, and betwixt the dragon and the
red deer?" "Hey, hey! let me ask him a question," said another, who was
seated beside a large cauldron which was boiling, and going, bubble,
bubble, over a fire. "Come nearer," said he, "what is the meaning of
this?"
"I till the judgment day
Upon the earth shall stray;
None knows for certainty
Whether fish or flesh I be."
"I will request the favor of your name, sir," said I, "that I may answer
you in a suitable manner." "I," said he, "am Taliesin, {49} the prince
of the Bards of the West, and that is a piece of my composition." "I
know not," said I, "what could be your meaning, unless it was, that the
yellow plague {50} which destroyed Maelgwn of Gwynedd, put an end to you
on the sea-shore, and that your body was divided amongst the crows and
the fishes." "Peace, fool!" said he, "I was alluding to my two callings,
of man of the law and poet. Please to tell me, has a lawyer more
similitude to a raven, than a poet to a whale? How many a one doth a
single lawyer divest of his flesh, to swell out his own craw; and with
what indifference does he extract the blood, and leave a man half alive!
And as for the poet, where is the fish which is able to swallow like him?
he is drinking oceans of liquor at all times, but the briny sea itself
would not slack his thirst. And provided a man be a poet and a lawyer,
how is it possible to know whether he be fish or flesh, especially if he
be a courtier to boot, as I was, and obliged to vary his taste to every
ones palate. But tell me," said he, "whether there are at present, any
of those fellows upon the earth?" "There's plenty of them," said I; "if
one can patch together any nonsensical derry, he is styled a graduate
bard. But as for the others; there is such a plague of lawyers, petty
attornies, and scribes, that the locusts of Egypt bore light upon the
country, in comparison with them. In your time, sir, there were but
bargains of tofts and crofts, and a hand's breadth of writing for a farm
of a hundred pounds, and a raising of cairns and crosses, as memorials of
the purchase and boundaries. There is no longer any such security, but
there is far more craft and deceit, and a tombstone's breadth of written
parchment to secure the bargain; and for all that, it is a wonder if a
flaw be not in it, or said to be at least." "Well then," said Taliesin,
"I should not be worth a straw in the world at present. I am better
where I am. Truth will never be had where there are many poets, nor fair
dealing where there are many lawyers; no, nor health where there are many
physicians." At this moment, a little grey-headed hobgoblin, who had
heard that a living man was arrived, flung himself at my feet, weeping
abundantly. "Dear me," said I, "what are you?" "One who is grievously
wronged every day in the world," said he. "May God move your soul to
procure justice for me." "What is your name?" said I. "I am called
_Somebody_," he replied, "and there is scarcely a piece of pimping, or a
calumny, or a lie, or tale, to set people at loggerheads, but must be
laid upon me. 'Verily,' says one, 'she is a prodigious fine girl, and
she was praising you before somebody, notwithstanding that some very
great person is paying his suit to her.' 'I heard somebody,' says
another, 'reckoning that this estate was mortgaged nine hundred pounds
deep.' 'I saw some one yesterday,' says the beggar, 'with a chequered
slop, like a sailor, who had come with a large ship load of corn, to the
neighbouring port.' And thus every ragged dog mangles me for his own
wicked purposes. Some call me Friend--'I was informed by a friend,' says
one, 'that so and so has no intention of leaving a farthing to his wife,
and that there is no affection between them.' Some others vilify me yet
more, and call me Bird--'A bird whistled in my ear, that there are bad
practices going on there,' say they. It is true, some call me by the
more respectable name of Old Person; yet, not half the omens, prophecies,
and counsels, which are attributed to the Old Person, belong to me. I
have never bidden people to follow the old road, provided the new one be
better, nor a hundred similar things. But Somebody is my common name,"
he continued, "him you will most frequently hear, to have been concerned
in every atrocious matter. Because, ask a person wherever a vile,
slanderous falsehood has been uttered, who it was who said it, and he
will reply, 'Truly I don't know who, but somebody in the company said
it;' question then every one in the company concerning the fable, and
every one will say he heard it from somebody, but no one knows from whom.
Is not this a shameful injury?" he demanded. "Be so good as to inform
every one whom you may hear naming me, that I have never said any one of
these things, nor have ever invented nor uttered a lie to slander any
one, nor a story to set relations by the ears; that I do not go near
them; that I know nothing of their history, nor of their affairs, nor of
their accursed secrets; and that they ought not to fling their wickedness
upon me, but on their own corrupt brains."
At this moment there came a little death, one of the secretaries of the
king, desiring to know my name, and commanding master Sleep, to carry me
instantly before the king. I was compelled to go, though utterly against
my will, by the power, which, like a whirlwind carried me away, betwixt
high and low, thousands of miles back to the left hand, until we came
again in sight of the boundary wall, and reached a narrow corner. Here
we perceived an immense, frowning, ruinous palace, open at the top,
reaching to the wall where were the innumerable doors, all of which led
to this huge, terrific court. The walls were constructed with the sculls
of men, which grinned horribly with their teeth. The clay was black, and
was prepared with tears and sweat; and the mortar on the outside was
variegated with phlegm and pus, and on the inside with black-red blood.
On the top of each turret, you might see a little death, with a smoking
heart stuck on the point of his dart.
Around the palace was a wood, consisting of a few poisonous yews and
deadly cypresses, and in these, owls, blood crows, vultures and the like
were nestling; and croaking continually for flesh, though the whole place
was nothing but a stinking shamble. We entered the gate. All the
pillars of the hall were made of human thigh bones; the pillars of the
parlour were of shank bones; and the floors were one continued layer of
every species of offal. It was not long before I came in sight of a vast
and frightful altar, where I beheld the king of Terrors swallowing human
flesh and blood, and a thousand petty deaths, from every hole, feeding
him with fresh, warm flesh. "Behold," said the death who brought me
there, addressing himself to the king, "a spark, whom I found in the
midst of the land of Oblivion; he came so light footed, that your majesty
never tasted a morsel of him." "How can that be?" said the king, and
opened his jaws as wide as an earthquake to swallow me. Whereupon I
turned all trembling to Sleep. "It was I," said Sleep, "who brought him
here." "Well," said the meagre, grizly king, turning to me, "for my
brother Sleep's sake, you shall be permitted to return this time, but
beware of me the next." After having employed himself for a considerable
time in casting carcasses into his insatiable paunch, he caused his
subjects to be called together, and moved from the altar to a terrific
throne of exceeding height, to pronounce judgment on the prisoners newly
arrived. In an instant came innumerable multitudes of the dead, making
their obeisance to their king, and taking their stations in remarkable
order. And lo! king Death was in his regal vest of flaming scarlet,
covered all over with figures of women and children weeping, and men
uttering groans; about his head was a black-red three-cornered cap (which
his friend Lucifer had sent as a present to him,) and upon its corners
were written _misery_, _wailing_, and _woe_. Above his head were
thousands of representations of battles on sea and land, towns burning,
the earth opening, and the great water of the deluge; and beneath his
feet nothing was to be seen but the crowns and sceptres of the kings whom
he had overcome from the beginning. On his right hand Fate was sitting,
seemingly engaged in reading, with a murky look, a huge volume which was
before him; and on his left was an old man called _Time_, licking
innumerable threads of gold, and silver, and copper, and very many of
iron. Some few of the threads were growing better towards their end, and
thousands growing worse. Along the threads were hours, days, and years;
and Fate, according as his volume directed him, was continually breaking
the threads of life, and opening the doors of the boundary wall, betwixt
the two worlds.
We had not looked around us long, before we heard four fiddlers, newly
dead, summoned to the bar. "How comes it," said the king of Terrors,
"that loving merriment as ye do, ye kept not on the other side of the
gulf, for there has never been any merriment on this side." "We have
never done," said one of the musicians, "harm to any body, but have
rendered people joyous, and have taken quietly what they gave us for our
pains." Said Death, "did you never keep any one from his work, and cause
him to lose his time; or did you never keep people from church? ha!" "O
no!" said another, "perhaps now and then on a Sunday, after service, we
may have kept some in the public house till the next morning, or during
summer tide, may have kept them dancing in the ring on the green all
night; for sure enough, we were more liked, and more lucky in obtaining a
congregation than the parson." "Away, away with these fellows to the
country of Despair!" said the terrific king, "bind the four back to back
and cast them to their customers, to dance bare-footed on floors of
glowing heat, and to amble to all eternity without either praise or
music."
The next that came to the bar was a certain king, who had lived very near
to Rome. "Hold up your hand, prisoner," said one of the officers. "I
hope," said he, "that you have some better manners and favour to show to
a king." "Sirrah," said Death, "why did you not keep on the other side
of the gulf where all are kings? On this side there is none but myself,
and another down below, and you will soon see, that neither he nor I will
rate you according to the degree of your majesty, but according to the
degree of your wickedness, in order to adapt your punishment to your
crimes, therefore answer to the interrogation." "Sir," he replied, "I
would have you know, that you have no authority to detain me, nor to
interrogate me, as I have a pardon for all my sins under the Pope's own
hand. On account of my faithful services, he has given me a warrant to
go straight to Paradise, without tarrying one moment in Purgatory." At
these words the king and all the haggard train gave a ghastly grin, to
escape from laughing outright; but the other full of wrath at their
ridicule, commanded them aloud to show him the way. "Peace, thou lost
fool!" cried Death, "Purgatory lies behind you, on the other side of the
wall, for you ought to purify yourself during your life; and on the right
hand, on the other side of that gulf is Paradise. But there is no road
by which it is possible for you to escape, either through the gulf to
Paradise, or through the boundary wall back to the world; and if you were
to give your kingdom, (supposing you could give it,) you would not obtain
permission from the keepers of those doors, to take one peep through the
key hole. It is called the irrepassable wall, for when once you have
come through you may abandon all hope of returning. But since you stand
so high on the books of the Pope, you shall go and prepare his bed,
beside that of the Pope who was before him, and there you shall kiss his
toe for ever, and he the toe of Lucifer."
Immediately thereupon, four little deaths raised the poor king up, who
was by this time shivering like the leaf of an aspen, and snatched him
out of sight like lightning. Next after him came a young fellow and
woman. He had been a jolly companion and she a lady of pleasure, or one
free of her person; but they were called here by their naked names,
drunkard and harlot. "I hope," said the drunkard, "I shall find some
favour with you; I have sent to you many a bloated booty in a torrent of
good ale; and when I failed to kill others, I came myself, willingly, to
feed you." "With the permission of the court," said the harlot, "you
have not sent half as much as I, and my offerings were burning
sacrifices, rich roast meat ready for the board." "Hey, hey!" said
Death, "all this was done for your own accursed passions' sake and not to
feed me. Bind the two face to face, as they are old acquaintances, and
cast them into the land of Darkness, and let each be a torment to the
other, until the day of judgment." They were then snatched away, with
their heads downwards.
Next to these there came seven recorders. Having been commanded to raise
their hands to the bar, they would by no means obey, as the rails were
greasy. One began to wrangle boisterously; "we ought to obtain a fair
citation to prepare our answer;" said he, "instead of being rushed upon
unawares."
"But are we bound to give you that same specific citation," answered
Death, "since you obtain in every place, and at every period of your
life, warning of my coming. How many sermons have you not heard upon the
mortality of man? How many books have you not seen? How many graves,
how many sculls, how many diseases, how many messages and signs have you
not had? What is your Sleep, but my own brother? What are sculls, but
my visage? What does your daily food consist of but dead creatures? Seek
not to cast your neglect upon me. Speak not of summons, when you have
obtained it a hundred times." "Pray," said one red recorder, "what have
you to advance against us?" "What?" said Death. "Drinking the sweat and
blood of the poor, and levying double your wages." "Here is an honest
man," replied the recorder, pointing to a pettifogger behind him, "who
knows that we have never done any thing but what was fair; and it is not
fair of you to detain us here, without a specific crime to prove against
us." "Hey, hey!" said Death, "you shall prove against yourselves. Place
these people," said he, "on the verge of the _precipice_ before the
tribunal of _Justice_, they shall obtain equity there though they never
practiced it."
There were still seven other prisoners remaining, and these kept up a
prodigious bustle and noise. Some were flattering, others quarrelling,
some blustering, some counselling, &c. Scarcely had they been called to
the bar, when lo! the entire palace became seven times more horribly dark
than before, and there was a shivering and a great agitation about the
throne, and Death became paler than ever. Upon enquiring what was the
matter, one of the messengers of Lucifer stepped forward with a letter
for Death, concerning these seven prisoners, and Fate presently caused
the letter to be read publicly, and these were the words, as far as I can
remember.
"_Lucifer_, _King of the kings of the world_, _prince of Hell_, _and
ruler of the Deep_, _to our natural son_, _the most mighty and
terrible king Death_, _greeting_, _pre-eminence_, _and eternal spoil_.
"For as much as we have been informed by some of our nimble
messengers, who are constantly abroad to obtain information, that
seven prisoners, of the seven most villainous and dangerous species in
the world, have arrived lately at your royal palace, and that it is
your intention to hurl them over the cliff into my kingdom. I hereby
counsel you to try every possible means, to let them loose back again
upon the world; they will do you there more service in sending you
food, and sending me better company, for I would rather want than have
them; we have had but too much plague with their companions for a long
time, and my dominion is still disturbed by them. Therefore turn them
back, or keep them with you. For, by the infernal crown, if you send
them here, I will undermine the foundations of your kingdom, until it
falls down into my own immense dominion.
"_From the burning hall of assembly_, _at our royal palace in the pit
of Hell_, _in the year of our reign_, 5425."
King Death, hereupon, stood for some time with his visage green and pale,
in great perplexity of mind. But whilst he was meditating, behold
_Fate_, turned upon him such an iron-black scowl, as made him tremble.
"Sirrah," said he, "look to what you do. It is not in my power to send
any one back, through the boundary of eternity, the irrepassable wall,
nor in yours to harbour them here; therefore forward them to their
destruction, in spite of the Arch Fiend. He has been able hitherto, in a
minute to allot his proper place to every individual, in a drove of a
thousand, nay, even of ten thousand captured souls; and what difficulty
can he have with seven, however dangerous they may be. But though these
seven should turn the infernal government topsy-turvy, do you drive them
thither instantly, for fear I should receive commands to annihilate you
before your time. As for _his_ threats, they are only lies; for although
thy end, and that of the old man yonder, (looking at Time,) are nigh at
hand, being written only a few pages further on, in my unerring volume,
yet you have no cause to be afraid of sinking to Lucifer; though every
one in the abyss would be glad to obtain thee, yet they never, never
shall. For the rocks of steel and eternal adamant, which form the roof
of Hell, are too strong for anything to crumble them." Whereupon, Death,
considerably startled, called to one of his train, to write for him the
following answer.
"_Death_, _the king of Terror and Conqueror of conquerors_, _to his
revered friend and neighbour Lucifer_, _king of Eternal Night_,
_sovereign of the Bottomless Pool_, _sends greeting_.
"After due reflection on your regal desire, it has appeared to us more
advantageous, not only to our own dominion, but likewise to your own
extensive kingdom, to send these prisoners, as far as possible from
the doors of the irrepassable wall, lest their putrid odour should
terrify the whole city of Destruction, so that no man should come to
all eternity, to my side of the gate; and neither I obtain any thing
to cool my sting, nor you a concourse of customers from earth to hell.
Therefore I will leave to you to judge them, and to hurl them into
such cells, as you may deem the most proper and secure for them.
"_From my nether palace in the great gate of Perdition_, _over
Destruction_. _In the year_, _from the renewal of my kingdom_, 1670."
At hearing all this, I felt a great curiosity to know who these seven
people could be, whom the devils themselves held in so much dread. But
ere a minute had elapsed, the clerk of the crown called their names, as
follows:--Master Meddler, alias _Finger in Every Dish_; but he was so
vehement and busy in advising the others, that he could not get a
moment's time to answer for himself, until Death threatened to transfix
him with his dart.
Then _master Slanderer_ was called, alias _Enemy of Fair Fame_; but there
was no answer. "He is too modest to hear his titles," said the third,
"and he never can bear his nicknames." "Do you suppose," said the
_Slanderer_, "that you yourself have no _titles_. Call for," said he,
"_master Coxcomb_, alias _Smooth Gullet_, alias _Poison Smile_." "Ready,"
said a woman who was there, pointing to the Coxcomb. "O," said he,
"_madam Bouncer_! Your humble servant, I am overjoyed at seeing you
well. I have never seen a woman look handsomer in breeches. But, oh! to
think how miserable the country must be behind you, for want of its
admirable she-governor; yet your delightful company will make hell itself
something better." "O son of the arch fiend!" said she. "With you there
is no need of another hell, you are yourself enough." Then the cryer
called _Bouncer_, or _mistress Breeches_. "Ready," said another. But
she said not a word, for want of being called madam. Next was called
_Contriver of Contrivances_, alias _Jack of all Trades_; but he returned
no answer either, for he was busied in devising a way to escape. "Ready,
ready," said one behind, "here he is, looking out for an opportunity to
break through your palace, and unless you take care, he will have some
notable contrivance to baulk you." Said the Contriver, "call him, I
beseech you, _master Impeacher of his Brother_, alias _Searcher of
Faults_, alias _Framer of Complaints_." "Ready, ready, this is he," said
a litigious pettifogger, for every one knew the name of the other, but
would not acknowledge his own. "You shall be called," said the
Impeacher, "_master Litigious Pettifogger_, alias _the Courts
Comprised_." "Bear witness, I pray you all," said the Pettifogger, "as
to what the knave called me." "Ho, ho!" said Death, "not by the
baptismal font, but by his sins, is every one called in this country;
and, with your permission, master Pettifogger, the names of your sins are
those which shall stick to you henceforth for ever." "Hey," said the
Pettifogger, "I swear by the Devil that I will make you smart for this.
Though you are empowered to kill me, you have no authority to bestow
nicknames upon me. I will file a complaint against you for defamation,
and another for false imprisonment, against you and your friend Lucifer,
in the court of Justice."
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