The Sleeping Bard

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I was unable to hear his angelic reasons completely, from the tumbling
there was along this slippery street every hour, and I could see some
people with ladders scaling the tower, and having reached the highest
step fall headlong to the bottom. "To what place are those fools seeking
to get?" said I. "To a place high enough," said he; "they are seeking to
break into the treasury of the princess." "I will warrant it is full
enough," said I. "It is," he replied; "and with every thing which
belongs to this street, for the purpose of being distributed amongst the
inhabitants. There you will find every species of warlike arms to subdue
and to over-run countries; every species of arms of gentility, banners,
escutcheons, books of pedigree, stanzas and poems relating to ancestry,
with every species of brave garments; admirable stories, lying portraits;
all kinds of tints and waters to embellish the countenance; all sorts of
high offices and titles; and, to be brief, there is every thing there
that is adapted to cause a man to think better of himself, and worse of
others than he ought. The chief officers of this treasury are masters of
ceremonies, vagabonds, genealogists, bards, orators, flatterers, dancers,
tailors, mantua-makers, and the like." From this great street we
proceeded to the next, where the princess Lucre reigns; it was a full and
prodigiously wealthy street, yet not half so splendid and clean as the
street of Pride, nor its people half so bold and lofty looking; for they
were skulking mean-looking fellows, for the most part.

There were in this street thousands of Spaniards, Hollanders, Venetians,
and Jews, and a great many aged, decrepit people were also there. "Pray,
sir," said I, "what kind of men are these?" "They have all gain in
view," said he. "At the lowest extremity, on one side, you will still
see the Pope; also subduers of kingdoms and their soldiers, oppressors,
foresters, shutters up of the common foot-paths, justices and their
bribers, and the whole race of lawyers down to the catchpole. On the
other side," said he, "there are physicians, apothecaries, doctors,
misers, merchants, extortioners, usurers, refusers to pay tithes, wages,
rents, or alms which were left to schools and charity houses; purveyors
and chapmen who keep and raise the market to their own price; shopkeepers
(or sharpers) who make money out of the necessity or ignorance of the
buyer; stewards of every degree, sturdy beggars, taverners who plunder
the families of careless men of their property, and the country of its
barley for the bread of the poor. All these are thieves of the first
water," said he; "and the rest are petty thieves, for the most part, and
keep at the upper end of the street; they consist of highway robbers,
tailors, weavers, millers, measurers of wet and dry, and the like." In
the midst of this discourse, I heard a prodigious tumult at the lower end
of the street, where there was a huge crowd of people thronging towards
the gate, with such pushing and disputing as caused me to imagine that
there was a general fray on foot, until I demanded of my friend what was
the matter. "There is an exceeding great treasure in that tower," said
the angel, "and all that concourse is for the purpose of choosing a
treasurer to the princess, in lieu of the Pope, who has been turned out
of that office." So we went to see the election.

The men who were competing for the office were the _Stewards_, the
_Usurers_, the _Lawyers_, and the _Merchants_, and the richest of the
whole was to obtain it, because the more you have the more you shall
crave, is the epidemic curse of the street. The Stewards were rejected
at the first offer, lest they should impoverish the whole street, and, as
they had raised their palaces on the ruins of their masters, lest they
should in the end turn the princess out of her possession; then the
dispute arose between the three others; the Merchants had the most silks,
the Lawyers most mortgages on lands, and the Usurers the greatest number
of full bags, and bills and bonds. "Ha! they will not agree to night,"
said the angel, "so come away; the Lawyers are richer than the Merchants,
the Usurers are richer than the Lawyers, and the Stewards than the
Usurers, and Belial than the whole, for he owns them all, and their
property too."

"For what reason is the princess keeping these thieves about her?" I
demanded. "What can be more proper," said he, "when she herself is the
arrantest of thieves." I was astonished to hear him call the princess
thus, and the greatest potentates thieves of the first water. "Pray, my
lord," said I, "how can you call those illustrious people greater thieves
than robbers on the highway?" "You are but a dupe," said he; "is not the
villain who goes over the world with his sword in his hand and his
plunderers behind him, burning and slaying, wresting kingdoms from their
right owners, and looking forward to be adored as a conqueror, worse than
the rogue who takes a purse upon the highway? What is the tailor who
cabbages a piece of cloth, to the great man who takes a piece out of the
parish common? Ought not the latter to be called a thief of the first
water, or ten times more a rogue than the other?--the tailor merely takes
snips of cloth from his customer, whilst the other takes from the poor
man the sustenance of his beast, and by so doing the sustenance of
himself and his little ones--what is taking a handful of flour at the
mill, to keeping a hundred sacksfull to putrify, in order to obtain
afterwards a four-fold price?--what is the half-naked soldier who takes
your garment away with his sword, to the lawyer, who takes your whole
estate from you with a goose's quill, without any claim or bond upon
it?--and what is the pickpocket who takes five pounds, to the cogger of
dice who will cheat you of a hundred in the third part of a night?--and
what is the jockey who tricks you in some old unsound horse, to the
apothecary who chouses you of your money, and your life also with some
old unwholesome physic?--and yet what are all these thieves to the
mistress-thief there, who takes away from the whole all these things, and
their hearts and their souls at the end of the fair?" From this dirty,
disorderly street we proceeded to the street of the princess Pleasure, in
which I beheld a number of Britons, French, Italians, Pagans, &c. She
was a princess exceedingly beautiful to the eye, with a cup of drugged
wine in the one hand, and a crown and a harp in the other. In her
treasury there were numberless pleasures and pretty things to obtain the
custom of every body, and to keep them in the service of her father. Yea!
there were many who escaped to this charming street, to cast off the
melancholy arising from their losses and debts in the other streets. It
was a street prodigiously crowded, especially with young people; and the
princess was careful to please every body, and to keep an arrow adapted
to every mark. If you are thirsty, you can have here your choice of
drink; if you love dancing and singing, you can get here your fill. If
her comeliness entice you to lust for the body of a female, she has only
to lift up her finger to one of the officers of her father, (who surround
her at all times, though invisibly), and they will fetch you a lass in a
minute, or the _body_ of a harlot newly buried, and will go into her in
lieu of a _soul_, rather than you should abandon so good a design.

Here there are handsome houses with very pleasant gardens, teeming
orchards, and shadowy groves, adapted to all kinds of secret meetings, in
which one can hunt birds and a certain fair coney; here there are
delightful rivers for fishing, and wide fields hedged around, in which it
is pleasant to hunt the hare and fox. All along the street you could see
farces being acted, juggling going on, and all kinds of tricks of
legerdemain; there was plenty of licentious music, vocal and
instrumental, ballad singing, and every species of merriment; there was
no lack of male and female beauty, singing and dancing; and there were
here many from the street of Pride, who came to receive praise and
adoration. In the interior of the houses I could see people on beds of
silk and down, wallowing in voluptuousness; some were engaged at billiard-
playing, and were occasionally swearing or cursing the table keeper;
others were rattling the dice or shuffling the cards. My guide pointed
out to me some from the street of Lucre, who had chambers in this street;
they had run hither to reckon their money, but they did not tarry long
lest some of the innumerable tempting things to be met with here should
induce them to part with their pelf, without usury. I could see throngs
of individuals feasting, with something of every creature before them;
oh, how every one did gorge, swallowing mess after mess of dainties,
sufficient to have feasted a moderate man for three weeks, and when they
could eat no more, they belched out a thanks for what they had received,
and then gave the health of the king and every jolly companion; after
which, they drowned the savour of the food, and their cares besides, in
an ocean of wine; then they called for tobacco, and began telling stories
of their neighbours--and, I observed, that all the stories were well
received, whether true or false, provided they were amusing and of late
date, above all if they contained plenty of scandal: there they sat, each
with his clay pistol puffing forth fire and smoke, and slander to his
neighbour. At length I was fain to request my guide to permit me to move
on; the floor was impure with saliva and spilt drink, and I was
apprehensive that certain heavy hiccups which I heard, might be merely
the prelude to something more disagreeable.

From thence we went to a place where we heard a terrible noise, a medley
of striking, jabbering, crying and laughing, shouting and singing.
"Here's Bedlam, doubtless," said I. By the time we entered the den the
brawling had ceased. Of the company, one was on the ground insensible;
another was in a yet more deplorable condition; another was nodding over
a hearthful of battered pots, pieces of pipes, and oozings of ale. And
what was all this, upon enquiry, but a carousal of seven thirsty
neighbours--a goldsmith, a pilot, a smith, a miner, a chimney-sweeper, a
poet, and a parson who had come to preach sobriety, and to exhibit in
himself what a disgusting thing drunkenness is. The origin of the last
squabble was a dispute which had arisen among them, about which of the
seven loved a pipe and flagon best. The poet had carried the day over
all the rest, with the exception of the parson, who, out of respect for
his cloth, had the most votes, being placed at the head of the jolly
companions--the poet singing:--

"Oh, where are there seven beneath the sky,
Who with these seven for thirst can vie?
But the best for good ale, these seven among,
Are the jolly divine, and the son of song."

Disgusted with these drunken swine, we went nearer to the gate, to take a
peep at the follies of the palace of _Love_, the purblind king; it is a
place easy to enter and difficult to escape from, and in it there is a
prodigious number of chambers. In the hall opposite to the door was
insane Cupid, with his two arrows upon his bow, shooting tormenting
poison, which is called _bliss_. Upon the floor I could see many fair
damsels, finely dressed, walking about, and behind them a parcel of
miserable youths gazing upon their beauty, and each eager to obtain a
glance from his mistress, fearing her frown far worse than death. One
was bending to the ground and placing a letter in the hands of his
goddess; another a piece of music, all in fearful expectation, like
school-boys showing their tasks to their master; and the damsels would
glance back upon them a smile, to keep up the fervour of their adorers,
but nothing more, lest they should lose their desire, become cured of
their wound and depart. On going forward to the parlour, I beheld
females learning to dance and to sing, and to play on instruments, for
the purpose of making their lovers seven times more foolish than they
were already: on going to the buttery, I found them taking lessons in
delicacy and propriety of eating: on going to the cellar, I saw them
making up potent love drinks, from nail-parings and the like: on going to
the chambers, we beheld a fellow in a secret apartment, putting himself
into all kinds of attitudes, to teach his beloved elegant manners;
another learning in a glass to laugh in a becoming manner, without
showing to his love too much of his teeth; another we found embellishing
his tale before going to her, and repeating the same lesson a hundred
times. Tired of this insiped folly, I went to another chamber, where
there was a nobleman, who had sent for a bard from the street of Pride,
to compose a eulogistic strain on his angel, and a laudatory ode on
himself; the bard was haranguing upon his talent--"I can," said he,
"compare her to all the red and white under the sun, and say that her
hair is a hundredfold more yellow than gold; and as for your ode, I can
carry your genealogy through the bowels of an infinity of knights and
princes, and through the waters of the deluge, even as high up as Adam."
"Lo!" said I, "here is a bard who is a better inventor than myself."
"Come away, come away," said the angel, "these people are thinking to
bamboozle the woman, but when they go to her, they will be sure to obtain
from her as good as they bring."

On leaving these people, we caught a glimpse of some cells, where more
obscene practices were going on than modesty will suffer me to mention,
which caused my companion to snatch me away in wrath, from this palace of
whimsicality and wantonness, to the treasury of the princess, (because we
went where we pleased, in spite of doors and locks.) There we beheld a
multitude of beautiful damsels, all sorts of drink, fruit, and dainties;
all kinds of instruments and books of music, harps, pipes, poems, carols,
&c.; all kinds of games of chance, draught-boards, dice-boxes, dice,
cards, &c.; all kinds of models of banquets and mansions, figures of men,
contrivances and amusements; all kinds of waters, perfumes, colors and
salves to make the ugly handsome, and the old look young, and to make the
harlot and her putrid bones sweet for a time.

To be brief, there were here all kinds of _shadows_ of pleasure, all
kinds of _seeming_ delight; and to tell the truth, I believe this place
would have ensnared me, had not my friend, without ceremony, snatched me
far away from the three deceitful towers, to the upper end of the street,
and set me down by a castellated palace of prodigious size, and very
agreeable at first sight, but vile and terribly revolting on the farthest
side, though it was only seen with great difficulty on the side of its
deformity; it had a multitude of doors, and all the doors were splendid
on the outside, but filthy within. "Pray, my lord," said I, "if it
please you, what is this wonderful place?" "This," said he, "is the
palace of another daughter of Belial, who is called _Hypocrisy_; she here
keeps her school; there is not a youth or damsel within the whole city,
that has not been her scholar, and the people in general, have so well
imbibed what she has taught, that her lessons have become a second
nature, and intertwined with all their thoughts, words and actions,
almost since the time of their childhood." After I had inspected for a
time the falsehood of every corner of the edifice, a procession passed by
with a deal of weeping and groaning, and many men and horses dight in
habits of deep mourning. Presently came a wretched widow, closely
muffled, in order that she might look no more on this vile world; she was
feebly crying, and groaning slowly in the intervals of fainting
fits--verily, I could not help weeping myself, out of pity. "Pooh,
pooh," said the angel, "keep your tears for something more worthy; these
faintings are only a lesson of Hypocrisy, and in her great school these
black garments were fashioned. There is not one of these people weeping
seriously; the widow, before the body left the house, had wedded another
man, in her heart; and if she could get rid of the expense attending the
body, she would not care a rush if the soul of her husband were at the
bottom of hell; nor would her relations, more than herself; because when
his disease was hardest upon him, instead of giving him salutary counsel
and praying fervently, for the Lord to have mercy upon him, they only
talked to him about his effects, and about his testament, or his
pedigree, or what a handsome vigorous man he had been, and the like; so
all this lamenting is mere sham--some are mourning in obedience to custom
and habit, others for company's sake, and others for hire."

Scarcely had this procession passed by, when, lo, another crowd came in
sight. A certain nobleman, prodigiously magnificient, and his lady at
his side, were going along in state; many respectable men were capping
them, and there were a thousand also behind them, shewing them every kind
of submission and reverence, and by the _favours_, I perceived that it
was a wedding: "He must be a very exalted nobleman," said I, "who merits
so much respect from all these people." "If you should consider the
whole, you would say something quite different," said my guide; "that
nobleman is one from the street of Pleasure; and the female, is a damsel
from the street of Pride, and the old man yonder, who is speaking with
him, is one from the street of Lucre, who has lent money upon nearly all
the land of the nobleman, and is to-day come to settle accounts." We
drew nigh to hear the conversation.

"Verily, sir," says the usurer, "I would not for all I possess, that you
should want any thing that I can offer, in order that you may appear to-
day like yourself, especially since you have met with a lady so amiable
and illustrious as this." (The subtle old dog knowing perfectly well
what she was all the time.) "By the Lord above," said the nobleman, "the
next greatest pleasure, to looking at her beauty, is to listen to your
obliging discourse; I would rather pay you usury than obtain money gratis
from any one else." "Of a surety, my lord," said one of his principal
associates, who was called flatterer, "my uncle shows you no respect but
what is fully your right; but with your permission, I will assert, that
he has not bestowed half the commendation on her ladyship which she
deserves. I cannot myself produce, and I will defy any man to produce
one lovelier than herself, in the whole street of Pride; nor one more
gallant than you, my lord, in the whole street of Pleasure; nor one more
courteous than you, dear uncle, in the whole street of Lucre." "Oh, that
is only your good opinion," replied the lord, "but I certainly believe
that two never came together with more mutual love than we." As they
proceeded, the crowd increased, and every one had a fair smile and a low
bow for the other, and forward they ran to meet each other with their
noses to the ground, like two cocks going to engage. "Know now," said
the angel, "that you have not yet seen a _bow_ here, nor heard a _word_,
that did not belong to the lessons of Hypocrisy. There is not here one,
after all this courtesy, that has a farthing's worth of love for the
other; indeed they are for the most part enemies to one another. The
nobleman here is only a butt amongst them, and every one has his hit at
him. The lady has her mind fixed upon his _grandeur_ and his _nobility_,
whereby she hopes to obtain precedence over many of her acquaintances.
The miser has his eye upon his _land_, for his own son; and the others,
to a man, on the money, which he is to receive as her portion, because
they are all his subjects, that is, his merchants, his tailors, his
shoemakers, or his other tradesmen, who have arrayed him and maintained
him in all this great splendour, without yet obtaining one farthing, nor
any thing but fair words, and now and then, threats perhaps. Now observe
how many masks, how many twists, Hypocrisy has given to the face of the
truth? He is promising grandeur to his love, having already disposed of
his land; and she is promising portion and purity, whereas she has no
purity, but purity of dress, and as for her portion it will not be long
in existence, there being an inveterate cancer in it, even as there is in
her own body."

"Well, here is a proof," said I, "that one never ought to judge by
appearances." "Yes," said he, "but come away, and I will show you
something more." Whereupon he transported me up to where stood the
churches of the city of Perdition, for every body in it had an appearance
of faith, even in the age of Disbelief. First we went to the temple of
Heathenism, where I could see some adoring the form of a man, others that
of the sun, others that of the moon, and an innumerable quantity of
similar other gods, even down to leek and garlick, and a great goddess
termed _Delusion_, obtaining general adoration, although you might see
something of the remnants of the Christian faith amongst some of these
people. Thence we went to a meeting of Dummies, where there was nothing
but groaning, and shivering, and beating the breast. "Though there is
here," said the angel, "an appearance of repentance and great submission,
there is nothing in reality, but opinionativeness and obstinacy, and
pride, and thick, thick darkness. Notwithstanding they talk so much
about their _internal light_, they have not even the spectacle-glasses of
nature which the heathens have, whom you lately saw." From these dumb
dogs we chanced to turn to a large church open at the top, with a
prodigious number of sandals {23} at the gate, by which I knew that it
was the temple of the Turks; these people had only a dim and motley
colored spectacle glass, which they called the Koran, yet through this
they were always gazing up to the top of the church for their prophet,
who, according to the promise which he gave them, ought to have returned
to them long ago, but has not yet made his appearance. From there we
went to the church of the Jews, people who had failed to find the way of
escape from the city of Perdition, although they possessed a pure, clear
spectacle glass, on account of a film having come over their eyes from
long gazing, for want of having anointed them with the precious ointment,
_faith_. We next went to that of the Papists. "Behold," said the angel,
"the church which _deceiveth the nations_! Hypocrisy has built this
church at her own expense; for the Papists permit, yea enjoin the
breaking of any oath made to a heretic, although it were taken upon the
sacrament." From the chancel we passed through key-holes to the upper
end of a cell which stood apart, full of burning candles at mid-day,
where we perceived a priest with his crown shaven, walking about as if he
were in expectation of visitors; presently there came a rotund figure of
a woman, and a very pretty girl behind her, and they went upon their
knees before him to confess their sins. "My spiritual father," said the
good woman, "I labour under a burden too heavy to be borne, unless you in
your mercy will lighten it; I married a member of the church of England,
and"--"What," said the shaven crown, "married a heretic! married an
enemy! there is no pardon for you, now or ever." At this word she
fainted, and he vociferated curses at her. "Oh, and what is worse," said
she when she revived. "I have killed him!" "O, ho! you have killed him,
well that is something towards obtaining reconciliation with the church;
but I assure you, that unless you had killed him, you would never have
got absolution, nor purgatory, but would have gone plump to the devil.
But where is your offering to the cloister?" said he, snarling. "Here,"
she replied, and handed him a pretty big purse of money. "Well," said
he, "I will now make your peace, and your penance is to remain a widow as
long as you live, lest you should make another bad bargain." As soon as
she had departed, the damsel came forward to make her confession. "Your
pardon, my father confessor," said she, "I have borne a child and
murdered it." "Very fair, in troth," said the confessor, "and who was
the father?" "Verily," said she, "it was one of your monastery"--"Hush,
hush," said he, "no scandal against the men of the church: but where is
your atonement to the church?" "There," said she, handing him a gold
coin. "You must repent, and your penance is to watch to night by my
bedside," said he, smiling archly upon her.

At this moment appeared four other bald-pates, hauling in a lad to the
confessor, the poor fellow looking as pleased as if he were going to the
gallows. "We have brought you a cub," said one of the four, "that you
may award him a proper punishment for revealing the secrets of the
catholic church." "What secrets?" said the confessor, looking towards a
murky cell which was nigh at hand. "But confess villain, what did you
say?" "In truth," said the wretch, "one of my acquaintances asked me, if
I had seen the _souls_ shrieking beneath the altar, _on the day of the
festival of the dead_? And I said, that I had heard the voice, but that
I had seen nothing." "Ah, sir, say the whole," said one of the others.
"But I added," said he, "that I had heard that you were only deceiving us
ignorant people, and that instead of souls shrieking, there were only sea-
crabs crackling beneath the carpet,"--"O son of the fiend! blasphemous
monster!" said the confessor; "but proceed caitiff."--"and that it was a
wire which turned the image of saint Peter," said the fellow, "and that
it was by the wire that the Holy Ghost descended from the gallery of the
cross upon the priest." "O heritage of hell!" said the confessor. "So
ho here! take him torturers, and cast him into the smoky chimney yonder
for telling tales." "Here you see," said the angel, "the church which
Hypocrisy desires should be called the Catholic Church, and the members
of which she would fain have the world consider, as the only people
destined to be saved; it must be owned, indeed, that they had the true
spectacle-glass, but they spoiled it by cutting upon the glass numerous
images; and they had true faith, but they mingled that precious ointment
with their own novel inventions, so that at present they see no more than
the heathen." Thence we went to a barn, where stood a pert, conceited
fellow preaching with great glibness, frequently repeating the same thing
three times. "This man and his hearers," said the angel, "possess the
true spectacle-glass, to see the things which pertain to their peace, but
they lack now in their old age, a very essential matter which is called
perfect love. Various are the causes which drive folks hither; some come
out of respect to their forefathers, some out of ignorance, and many for
worldly advantage. They will make you believe with their faces that they
are being strangled, but they can swallow a toad if necessary; and thus
the princess Hypocrisy does not disdain to teach some in barns." "Pray,"
said I, "where now is the _Church of England_?" "O," said he, "in the
city high above, it constitutes a great part of the _Catholic Church_,
and in the city here below, there are some probationary churches
belonging to it, where the English and Welsh are under probation for a
time, in order to become qualified to have their names written in the
book of the Catholic Church, and they who become so, _blessed are they
for ever_. But alas, there are but very few who are adapting themselves
to obtain honour above; because, instead of looking thitherward, too many
suffer themselves to be blinded by the three princesses below, and
Hypocrisy keeps many with one eye upon the city above, and the other on
that below; yea, Hypocrisy has succeeded in enticing many from their
path, after they have overcome the three other deceivers. Come in here,"
said he, "and you will see something more;" whereupon he carried me to
the gallery of one of the churches in Wales, the people being in the
midst of the service. And lo! some were whispering, talking and
laughing; some looking upon the pretty women; others were examining the
dress of their neighbours from top to toe; some were pushing themselves
forward and snarling at one another about rank; some were dozing; others
were busily engaged in their devotions, but many of these were playing a
hypocritical part. "You have not seen yet," said the angel, "no, not
amongst the infidels, shamelessness as open and barefaced as this: but
thus, alas, we see _that the corruption of the best thing is the
corruption worst of all_." The congregation then proceeded to take the
sacrament, and every one displayed reverential feelings at the altar.

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