Man and Maid
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Elinor Glyn >> Man and Maid
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I rang for Burton. It was nine o'clock.
"Has Her Ladyship breakfasted yet, Burton?"
"Her Ladyship breakfasted at eight, and left the house at half-past, Sir
Nicholas."
My heart sank. So I was going to have a lonely morning. She had said she
wanted to go to her mother, I remembered now. I did not hurry to get up.
The doctors were coming with the wonderful artist who is making my new
foot, at twelve o'clock, and I am to have it on to-day for the first
time. This would be a surprise for Alathea when she returned to lunch. I
read my journal in bed, and thought over the whole of our acquaintance.
Yes, certainly she has greatly changed in the last six weeks. And
possibly I am nearer my goal than I could have dared to hope.
Now my method must be to be sweet to her, and not tease her any more.
How wonderful it will be when she does love me. I have not thought much
about my own feelings lately. She has kept me so often irritated and
angry, but I know that there is a steady advance, and that I love her
more than ever.
To see her little mutinous rebellious face softening--?--it will be
worth all the waiting. But meanwhile she is out, and I had better get
up!
* * * * *
I wonder if all the hundreds of other fellows who lost a leg below the
knee and were cripples for eighteen months felt the same as I did when
the new limb was fixed, and they stood upon two feet again for the first
time.
A strange, almost mad sense of exaltation filled me. I could walk! I was
no longer a prisoner, dependent upon the devotion of attendants!
I should no longer have to have things placed within reach, and be made
to realize impotency!
It hurt and was awkward for a while.--But Oh! the joy, joy, joy!!
After the doctors and the specialist had gone with hearty
congratulations, my dear old faithful servant had tears in his eyes as
he dressed me.
"You must excuse me, Sir Nicholas, but I am so glad."
Excuse him! I could have hugged him in my own joy.
He arrayed me in one of Mr. Davies's pre-war masterpieces, and we both
stood in front of the long glass in my bedroom, and then we solemnly
shook hands!
It was too glorious!
I wanted to run about! I wanted to shout and sing. I played idiotic
tricks, walking backwards and forwards, like one of Shackleton's
penguins. Then I went back to the glass again, actually whistling a
tune! Except for the black patch over my eye, I appeared very much the
same as I used to do before the war. My shoulder is practically straight
now. I am a little thinner, and perhaps my face bears traces of
suffering, but in general I don't look much altered.
I wonder what Alathea will say when she sees me! I wonder if it will
make any difference to her?
To-morrow morning they are going to put in my eye.
I have not written all this in my journal, it seemed too good to be
true, and I had a kind of superstitious feeling that I must not even
think of it, much less write, in case it did not come off. But now the
moment has come! I am a man again on two feet. Hurrah!
I looked out of the window and kissed my hand to a young girl in the
street. I wanted to call to her, "I could walk with you now, perhaps
soon I could run!" She looked at me with the corner of her eye!
Then I planned how I would surprise Alathea! I would be in my bedroom
when I knew she was in the salon before lunch, and then I would walk in!
I became excited, there was about a quarter of an hour to wait. I tried
to sit down and settle to a book, but it was useless, the words conveyed
no sense. I could not even read the papers!
I began listening to every sound, there were not many things passing at
this time on a Sunday morning, but of course she was walking, not
driving. One o'clock struck. She had not returned. Burton came in to ask
if I would postpone lunch.
"Her Ladyship did not say when she would be back," he said.
"We had better not wait then. I believe now she told me she would not be
in."
Burton had opened a pint of champagne. On this tremendous occasion he
felt I should drink my own health!
I had begun to lose some of my joy.----I wished she had been here to
share it with me.----
* * * * *
I have walked up and down--up and down. It is four o'clock now, and she
has not returned. No doubt her mother is ill, perhaps,--perhaps--
_Midnight:_
I have spent a beastly day. My exhilaration has all evaporated now. I
have had no one to share it with me. Maurice and everyone is leaving me
discreetly alone, knowing I am supposed to be on my
honeymoon--Honeymoon!
I spent the afternoon waiting, waiting. And after tea when Alathea had
not arrived I began taking longer turns, walking up and down the broad
corridor, and at last I paused outside her room, and a desire came over
me to look in on it, and see how she had arranged it.
There was silence. I listened a moment, then I opened the door.
The fire was not lit, it all seemed cold and cheerless. I turned on the
light.
Except for the tortoise-shell and gold brushes and boxes I had had put
on the dressing table for her, there was not an indication that anyone
stayed there, none of the usual things women have about in their rooms.
One could see she looked upon it just as an hotel, and not a permanent
abode. There were no photographs of her family, no books of her own,
nothing.
Only the bracelets were on the table still in their case, and on looking
nearer, I saw there was a bottle of scent. It had no label, and when I
opened it I smelled the exquisite perfume of fresh roses that she uses.
Where does she get it? It is the purest I have ever smelt in my life.
I looked at the quaint little fourpost bed that I had found in that shop
at Bath, a perfect specimen of its date, about 1699, with the old deep
rose silk pressed over the shell carving.
I had an insane desire to open the drawers in the chest and touch her
stockings and gloves. I had a wild feeling altogether I wanted my love,
rebellious, unrelenting, anyhow! I just longed for her.
I resisted my stupidities and made myself leave the room, and then tried
to feel joy again in my leg.
Burton was turning on the lamps when I got back to the salon.
"There are rumours that something is going to happen, Sir
Nicholas,--talk of an Armistice I heard when I was out. Do you think
Foch will do it?"
But I know all these rumours and talks, we have heard them before, so
this did not affect me. I could feel nothing, as time went on, but a
passionate ache. Why, why must she be so cruel to me? Why does she leave
me all alone?
Alathea, I would never be so unkind to you. And yet I don't know, if I
were jealous and angry, as I suppose she is, I could of course be much
crueler.
Her Ladyship's maid had been given the day out by her mistress, Burton
informed me, so that we could gain no information from her. We waited
until half-past eight for dinner, but still my little girl did not come,
and in solemn state in a white tie and tail coat, I dined--alone!
In spite of the champagne, which Burton again handed, apprehension set
in. What can have happened to her? Has she had an accident? Does she
mean never to return? Are all my calculations of no sense, and has she
left me forever?
In despair, at ten o'clock I telephoned the Hotel de Courville.
Lady Thormonde had been there in the morning, I was told, but the
Duchesse had left for Hautevine at two o'clock.--No one was in the house
now.--No, they did not know Lady Hilda Bulteel's telephone number. She
had no telephone they supposed.--No, they did not know the address.
Auteuil, and the name Bulteel, that is all! Perhaps something could be
done on a week-day, but on a Sunday night, in war time, all was
impossible. And at last in an agony of doubt and apprehension, I
consented to retire to bed.
Had I made some mistake? I tried to remember. She had said she meant to
decide if she could bear the situation or no, and that she was going to
her mother. She wanted to be with her. She had been ill and could not
start. Yes, of course that is it. The mother is ill, and they have no
telephone. I must wait until the morning. She cannot really mean not to
come back. In any case she would have let me know.
But what an agony of suspense!
Burton came and gave me my medicine, when I was in bed, and although I
knew it was a camouflaged sleeping draught, I drank it. I just could not
bear it any longer.
But I only slept until four, and now I am sitting up writing this, and
I feel as if every queer force was abroad, and that all sorts of
momentous things are happening.--Oh, when will daylight come--
* * * * *
I was awakened by cannon!
I leaped from my bed. Yes, leaped! I had been dreaming that a surprise
party of Germans were attacking the trench, and I was just rallying the
men for a final dash when heavy guns began a bombardment which was
unexpected.--Oh God! let me get up and over the top in time!
Wild with excitement, I was now wide awake!
Yes, there were cannons booming!
Had Bertha begun again?
What was happening?
Then I heard murmurs in the street. I rang the bell violently. I had
slept very late. Burton rushed in.
"An Armistice, Sir Nicholas," he cried joyously.
"It's true after all!"
An Armistice! Oh, God!
So at last, at last we have won, and it has not been all in vain!
I shook with emotion. How utterly absorbed in my own affairs I had been
not to have taken in that this was coming. George Harcourt had
telephoned that he had news for me, I remember now, while we were at the
Hotel de Courville on Saturday, and I had paid no attention.
I was too excited all through breakfast to feel renewed anxiety about
Alathea. I was accepting the fact that she had stayed with her mother.
Surely, surely she would be in soon now!
The oculist, and his artist-craftsman, would be arriving soon, at eleven
o'clock, if the excitement of an Armistice does not prevent them! I hope
all that won't be going on when Alathea does come in!
Burton has questioned her maid. She knows nothing of Miladi's movements
only that she herself had been given permission to go out for the day.
All the servants have gone more or less crazy! Pierre hopped in just
now, jolly old chap! and in his excitement embraced me on both cheeks!
(He has a wooden stump, not a smart footed thing like mine, but I shall
change all that now!).
Antoine could not contain himself, and heaven knows what the
underservants did!
I told them all to run out and see what was happening, but Pierre said
no, the _dejeuner_ of Monsieur must not be neglected. Time enough in the
afternoon!
Eleven came, and with it the oculist, and by luncheon time I had a
second blue eye! But Oh! the shouting in the streets and the passionate
joy in the air!
The two men preened themselves upon keeping this appointment upon so
great a day, and indeed my gratitude was deep. But the same gladness did
not hold me as when my leg was given back to me. Everything was now
swallowed up in an overwhelming suspense.
What could have kept Alathea?
I walked to the glass soberly when the doctors had gone, eager to get
away and join the rejoicers. And what I saw startled me. How astonishing
the art of these things is now! Unless I turn my glance in some
impossible way I have apparently two bright blue eyes, with the same
lids and lashes, the scrap of shrapnel only injured the orb itself, and
did not touch the lid, fortunately, and the socket had healed up
miraculously in the last month. I am not now a disgusting object.
Perhaps, possibly--Yes, can I induce her to love me soon?
But what is the good of it all? She has not returned, and now something
must be done.
But on this day of days no one could be found to attend to anything!
Shops were shut, post offices did not work. The city was mad with
rejoicing.
At luncheon I ate,--gulped down my food. Burton's calm reassured me.
"You don't think anything has happened, do you Burton?"
"No, Sir Nicholas. Her Ladyship is no doubt with her family. I don't
feel that anything is amiss. Her Grace returns to-morrow anyway, and we
can hear for sure then. Would you not care to drive out and see the
people, Sir? It is a day!"
But I told him no. He must go, they all could go. I would wait in and
could now attend to myself! But I knew somehow that the dear old boy
would not leave me.
The hours went by, the shouting grew louder, as bands passed on their
way to the _Champs Elysees_ to see the cannon, which I heard were now
dragged there. Burton came in from time to time to tell me the news,
gathered from the _concierge_ below.
I telephoned to Maurice, he was wild with delight! They were going to
have a great dinner at the Ritz and then go and _farandole_ in the
streets with the people, would not we (_we!_) join them!
Everyone was going. Odette telephoned too, and Daisy Ryven. All were
rejoicing and happy.
The agony grew and grew. What if she means to leave me and has just
disappeared, not telling me on purpose to punish me? At this thought I
went frantically into her room again, and looked on the dressing-table.
The ring cases were there in a drawer in the William and Mary
looking-glass, but no rings. No, if she had not meant to return she
would have left them behind her. This gave me hope.
I had the fire lit. Burton lit it, everyone else was out.
Of course the crowd has prevented her returning. There would be great
difficulty in getting back from Auteuil.
Some of the fellows of the Supreme War Council rang up. They were less
exhilarated by the news. A pity, they thought. Foch could have entered
Berlin in a week!
At last, when I had been pacing like a restless tiger, and twilight was
coming, I sank into my chair overcome with the strain.
I did not mean to feel the drivel of self pity, but it is a ghastly
thing to be all alone and anxious, when everyone else is shouting for
joy.
I was staring into the fire. I had not had the lights lit on purpose. I
wanted the soft shadows to soothe me. Burton had gone down again to the
_concierge_.
A bitterness and a melancholy I cannot describe was holding me. Of what
good my leg and my eye if I am to suffer torment once more? A sense of
forsakenness held me. Perhaps I dozed, because I was worn out, when
suddenly I was conscious of a closing door, and opening my eye, I saw
that Alathea stood before me.
A log fell and blazed brightly, and I could see that her face was
greatly moved.
"I am so sorry if you have been anxious.--Burton says you have. I would
have been back earlier but I was caught in the crowd."
I reached out and turned on the lamp near me, and when she saw my eye
and leg, she fell upon her knees at my side.
"Oh! Nicholas," she cried brokenly, and I put out my hand and took her
hand.
* * * * *
What a thing is joy!
My heart beat madly, the blood rushed in my veins. What was that noise I
heard in my ear beyond the shouting in the street?
Was it the cooing which used to haunt my dreams?
Yes it was. And Alathea's voice was murmuring in French:
"_Pardon, pardon, j' etais si bien ingrate--Pardonnez moi--Hein?_"
I wanted to whisper:
"Darling you have returned,--nothing matters any more," but I controlled
myself. She must finally surrender first!
Then she sprang to her feet and stood back to look at me. I rose too and
there towered above her.
"Oh, I am so glad, so glad," she said tremulously. "How wonderful,--how
miraculous!--It is for this great day!"
"I thought that you had left me altogether." I was a little breathless,
"I was so very sad."
Now she looked down.
"Nicholas," (how I loved to hear her pronounce my name) "Nicholas, I
have heard from my mother of your great generosity. You had helped us
without ever telling me, and then paid again to stop my mother's
anxiety, and again to stop mine. Oh! I am ashamed,--humbled, that I have
been as I have been to you, forgive me, forgive me, I ask you to from my
heart."
"I have nothing to forgive child. Come let us sit down and talk
everything over," and I sank into the sofa and she came beside me.
She would not look at me, however, but her little face was gentle and
shy. "I cannot understand though why you did all that. I cannot
understand anything about it all.--You do not love me.--You only wanted
me for your secretary, and yet you paid over a hundred thousand francs!
The generosity is great."
I gazed and gazed at her.
"And you hate me," I said as coolly as I could "and let me buy you, so
that you could save your family.--Your sacrifice was immense."
Suddenly she looked straight up at me, her eyes filled with passion, so
that wild fire kindled in my blood.
"Nicholas,--I do not hate you."
I took both her hands and drew her to me, while outside in the street
they were singing the _Marseillaise_ and yelling for joy.
"Alathea, tell me the truth, what then do you feel?"
"I don't know. I wanted to murder Suzette. I could have drowned
Coralie.--Perhaps you can tell me,--here in your arms--!"
And with wild abandon she fell forward into my fond embrace.
Ah! God! The bliss of the next few moments with her soft lips pressed to
mine! Then I could not repeat often enough that I loved her, nor make
her tell me how she loved me in return!
Afterwards, I grew masterful and ordered her to recount to me everything
from the very beginning.
Yes, she had been attracted by me from the first day, but she hated the
friends I had round me, and she did not like the aimlessness of my life.
"Whenever I used to be growing too contemptous though, Nicholas, I used
to remember the V.C., and then the feeling went off, but I was growing
angrier and angrier with myself, because in spite of believing you only
thought of me as one of them, I could not prevent myself from loving
you. There is something about you that made one forget all about your
leg and your eye!"
"Those cheques disgusted you!" and I kissed the little curl by her
ear--she was clasped close to me now.--"That was the beginning of my
determination to conquer you and have you for my own!"
She caressed my hair.
"I adore thick hair, Nicholas," she whispered, "but now you have had
enough flattery! I am off to dress!"
She struggled and pretended she wanted to leave me, but I would not let
her go.
"Only when I please and at a price! I want to show you that you have a
husband who in spite of a wooden leg and a glass eye, is a powerful
brute!"
"I love you,--strong like that," she cooed, her eyes soft with passion
again. "I am not good really,--or austere,--or cold."
And I knew it was true as she paid the toll!
Presently I made her let me come and choose which frock she was to put
on for dinner, and I insisted that I should stay and see her hair being
brushed, and the maid, Henriette, with her French eye, beamed upon us
understandingly!
While Burton almost blubbered with happiness when I told him His
Ladyship and I were friends again.
"I knew it, Sir Nicholas, if you'd just made a fuss of her."
How right he was!
What a dinner we had, gay as two children, fond and foolish as
sweethearts always are,--and then the afterwards!
"Let us go and see the streets," my little love implored, "I feel that
we should shout our divine happiness with the crowd!"
But when we went out on the balcony to investigate, we saw that would be
impossible, I am not yet steady enough on my feet to have faced that
throng. So we stood there and sang and cheered with them, as they swept
on towards the _Arc de Triomphe_, and gradually a delirious intoxication
held us both, and I drew her back into the softly lighted room.
"Lover!" she whispered as she melted into my arms, and all I answered
was, "Soul of Mine."
And now I know what the whole of those verses mean!
And so this Journal is done!
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