The Life of Mansie Wauch

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Being a man of method, and acquainted with business, I could have liked
to have given a finishing stitch to my work before descending the ladder;
but, losh me! sic a whingeing, girning, greeting, and roaring, got up all
of a sudden, as was never seen or heard of since bowed Joseph raised the
meal-mob, and burned Johnnie Wilkes in effigy: and, looking down, I saw
Benjie, the bairn of my own heart, and the callant Glen, my apprentice on
trial, that had both been as sound as tops till this blessed moment,
standing in their nightgowns and their little red cowls, rubbing their
eyes, cowering with cold and fright, and making an awful uproar, crying
on me to come down and not be killed. The voice of Benjie especially
pierced through and through my heart, like a two-edged sword, and I could
on no manner of account suffer myself to bear it any longer, as I
jealoused the bairn would have gone into convulsion fits if I had not
heeded him; so, making a sign to them to be quiet, I came my ways down,
taking hold of one in ilka hand, which must have been a fatherly sight to
the spectators that saw us. After waiting on the crown of the causey for
half an hour, to make sure that the fire was extinguished, and all tight
and right, I saw the crowd scaling, and thought it best to go in too,
carrying the two youngsters along with me. When I began to move off,
however, siccan a cheering of the multitude got up as would have deafened
a cannon; and though I say it myself, who should not say it, they seemed
struck with a sore amazement at my heroic behaviour, following me with
loud cheers even to the threshold of my own door.

From this folk should condescend to take a lesson, seeing that, though
the world is a bitter bad world, yet that good deeds are not only a
reward to themselves, but call forth the applause of Jew and Gentile; for
the sweet savour of my conduct on this memorable night remained in my
nostrils for goodness knows the length of time, many praising my brave
humanity in public companies and assemblies of the people, such as
strawberry ploys, council meetings, dinner parties, and so forth; and
many in private conversation at their own ingle-cheek, by way of
two-handed crack; in stage-coach confab, and in causey talk in the
forenoon, before going in to take their meridians. Indeed, between
friends, the business proved in the upshot of no small advantage to me,
bringing to me a sowd of strange faces, by way of customers, both gentle
and semple, that I verily believe had not so muckle as ever heard of my
name before, and giving me many a coat to cut, and cloth to shape, that,
but for my gallant behaviour on the fearsome night aforesaid, would
doubtless have been cut, sewed, and shaped by other hands. Indeed,
considering the great noise the thing made in the world, it is no wonder
that every one was anxious to have a garment of wearing apparel made by
the individual same hands that had succeeded, under Providence, in saving
the precious life of an old woman of eighty, that had been bedridden,
some say, four years come Yule, and others, come Martinmas.

When we got to the ingle-side, and, barring the door, saw that all was
safe, it was now three in the morning; so we thought it by much the best
way of managing, not to think of sleeping any more, but to be on the look-
out--as we aye used to be when walking sentry in the volunteers--in case
the flames should, by ony mischancy accident or other, happen to break
out again. My wife blamed my hardihood muckle, and the rashness with
which I had ventured at once to places where even masons and sclaters
were afraid to put foot on; yet I saw, in the interim, that she looked on
me with a prouder eye--knowing herself the helpmate of one that had
courageously risked his neck, and every bone in his skin, in the cause of
humanity. I saw this as plain as a pikestaff, as, with one of her
kindest looks, she insisted on my putting on a better happing to screen
me from the cold, and on my taking something comfortable inwardly towards
the dispelling of bad consequences. So, after half a minute's stand-out,
by way of refusal like, I agreed to a cupful of het-pint, as I thought it
would be a thing Mungo Glen might never have had the good fortune to have
tasted; and as it might operate by way of a cordial on the callant
Benjie, who kept aye smally, and in a dwining way. No sooner said than
done--and off Nanse brushed in a couple of hurries to make the het-pint.

After the small beer was put into the pan to boil, we found to our great
mortification, that there were no eggs in the house, and Benjie was sent
out with a candle to the hen-house, to see if any of the hens had laid
since gloaming, and fetch what he could get. In the middle of the mean
time, I was expatiating to Mungo on what taste it would have, and how he
had never seen any thing finer than it would be, when in ran Benjie, all
out of breath, and his face as pale as a dishclout.

"What's the matter, Benjie, what's the matter?" said I to him rising up
from my chair in a great hurry of a fright--"Has onybody killed ye? or is
the fire broken out again? or has the French landed? or have ye seen a
ghost? or are"--

"Eh, crifty!" cried Benjie, coming till his speech, "they're a' aff--cock
and hens and a'--there's naething left but the rotten nest-egg in the
corner!"

This was an awful dispensation, of which more hereafter. In the midst of
the desolation of the fire--such is the depravity of human nature--some
ne'er-do-weels had taken advantage of my absence to break open the hen-
house door; and our whole stock of poultry, the cock along with our seven
hens--two of them tappit, and one muffed--were carried away bodily, stoop
and roop.

On this subject, howsoever, I shall say no more in this chapter, but
merely observe in conclusion, that, as to our het-pint, we were obligated
to make the best of a bad bargain, making up with whisky what it wanted
in eggs; though our banquet could not be called altogether a merry one,
the joys of our escape from the horrors of the fire being damped, as it
were by a wet blanket, on account of the nefarious pillaging of our hen-
house.

CHAPTER XX.--ADVENTURES IN THE SPORTING LINE.

A fig for them by law protected,
Liberty's a glorious feast;
Courts for cowards were erected,
Churches built to please the priest.

_Jolly Beggars_.

Wi' cauk and keel I'll win your bread,
And spindles and whorles for them wha need,
Whilk is a gentle trade indeed,
To carry the Gaberlunzie on.
I'll bow my leg and crook my knee,
And draw a black clout owre my ee,
A cripple or blind they will ca' me,
While we shall be merry and sing.

KING JAMES V.

The situation of me and my family at this time affords an example of the
truth of the old proverb, that "ae evil never comes its lane;" being no
sooner quit of our dread concerning the burning, than we were doomed by
Providence to undergo the disaster of the rookery of our hen-house. I
believe I have mentioned the number of our stock--to wit, a cock and
seven hens, eight in all; but I neglected, on account of their size, or
somehow overlooked, the two bantams, than which two more neat or
curiouser-looking creatures were not to be seen in the whole
country-side. The hennie was quite a conceit of a thing, and laid an egg
not muckle bigger than my thimble; while, for its size, the bit he-ane
was, for spirit in the fechting line, a perfect wee deevil incarnate.

Most fortunately for my family in this matter, it so happened that, by
paying in half-a-crown a-year, I was a regular member of a society for
prosecuting all whom it might concern, that dabbled with foul fingers in
the sinful and lawless trade of thievery, breaking the eighth commandment
at no allowance, and drawing on their heads not only the passing
punishments of this world, by way of banishment to Botany Bay, or hanging
at the Luckenbooths, but the threatened vengeance of one that will last
for ever and ever.

Accordingly, putting on my hat about nine o'clock, or thereabouts, when
the breakfast things were removing from the bit table, I poppit out, in
the first and foremost instance, to take a vizzy of the depredation the
flames had made in our neighbourhood. Losh keep us all, what a spectacle
of wreck and ruination! The roof was clean off and away, as if a
thunderbolt from heaven had knocked it down through the two floors,
carrying every thing before it like a perfect whirlwind. Nought were
standing but black, bare walls, a perfect picture of desolation; some
with the bit pictures on nails still hanging up where the rooms were
like; and others with old coats hanging on pins; and empty bottles in
boles, and so on. Indeed, Jacob Glowr, who was standing by my side with
his specs on, could see as plain as a pikestaff, a tea-kettle still on
the fire, in the hearth-place of one of the gable garrets, where Miss
Jenny Withershins lived, but happened luckily, at the era of the
conflagration, to be away to Prestonpans, on a visit to some of her far-
away cousins, providentially for her safety, grievously, at that very
time, smitten with the sciatics.

Having satisfied my eyes with a daylight view of the terrible
devastation, I went away leisurely up the street with my hands in my
breeches-pockets, comparing the scene in my mind with the downfall of
Babylon the Great, and Sodom and Gomorrah, and Tyre and Sidon, and
Jerusalem, and all the lave of the great towns that had fallen to decay,
according to the foretelling of the sacred prophets, until I came to the
door of Donald Gleig, the head of the Thief Society, to whom I related,
from beginning to end, the whole business of the hen-stealing. 'Od he
was a mettle bodie of a creature; far north, Aberdeen-awa like, and
looking at two sides of a halfpenny; but, to give the devil his due, in
this instance he behaved to me like a gentleman. Not only did Donald
send through the drum in the course of half an hour, offering a reward
for the apprehension of the offenders of three guineas, names concealed,
but he got a warrant granted to Francie Deep, the sherry-officer, to make
search in the houses of several suspicious persons.

The reward offered by tuck of drum failed, nobody making application to
the crier; but the search succeeded; as, after turning every thing topsy-
turvy, the feathers were found in a bag, in the house of an old woman of
vile character, who contrived to make out a way of living by hiring beds
at twopence a-night to Eirish travellers--South-country packmen--sturdy
beggars, men and women, and weans of them--Yetholm tinklers--wooden-legged
sailors without Chelsea pensions--dumb spaewomen--keepers of wild-beast
shows--dancing-dog folk--spunk-makers, and suchlike pickpockets. The
thing was as plain as the loof of my hand; for, besides great suspicion,
what was more, was the finding the head of the muffed hen, to which I
could have sworn, lying in a bye-corner; the body itself not being so
kenspeckle in its disjasket state--as it hung twirling in a string by its
legs before the fire, all buttered over with swine's seam, and half
roasted.

After some little ado, and having called in two men that were passing to
help us to take them prisoners, in case of their being refractory, we
carried them by the lug and the horn before a justice of peace.

Except the fact of the stolen goods being found in their possession, it
so chanced, ye observe, that we had no other sort of evidence whatsoever;
but we took care to examine them one at a time, the one not hearing what
the other said; so, by dint of cross-questioning by one who well knew how
to bring fire out of flint, we soon made the guilty convict themselves,
and brought the transaction home to two wauf-looking fellows that we had
got smoking in a corner. From the speerings that were put to them during
their examination, it was found that they tried to make a way of doing by
swindling folks at fairs by the game of the garter. Indeed, it was
stupid of me not to recognise their faces at first sight, having observed
both of them loitering about our back bounds the afternoon before; and
one of them, the tall one with the red head and fustian jacket, having
been in my shop in the fore part of the night, about the gloaming like,
asking me as a favour for a yard or two of spare runds, or selvages.

I have aye heard that seeing is believing; and that youth might take a
warning from the punishment that sooner or later is ever tacked to the
tail of crime, I took Benjie and Mungo to hear the trial; and two more
rueful faces than they put on, when they looked at the culprits, were
never seen since Adam was a boy. It was far different with the two
Eirishers, who showed themselves so hardened by a long course of sin and
misery, that, instead of abasing themselves in the face of a magistrate,
they scarcely almost gave a civil answer to a single question which was
speered at them. Howsoever, they paid for that at a heavy ransom, as ye
shall hear by and by.

Having been kept all night in the cold tolbooth on bread and water,
without either coal or candle to warm their toes, or let them see what
they were doing, they were harled out amid an immense crowd of young and
old, more especially wives and weans, at eleven o'clock on the next
forenoon, to the endurance of a punishment which ought to have afflicted
them almost as muckle as that of death itself.

When the key of the jail door was thrawn, and the two loons brought out,
there was a bumming of wonder, and maybe sorrow, among the terrible
crowd, to see fellow-creatures so left alone to themselves as to have
robbed an honest man's hen-house at the dead hour of night, when a fire
was bleezing next door, and the howl of desolation soughing over the town
like a visible judgment. One of them, as I said before, had a red pow
and a foraging cap, with a black napkin roppined round his weasand; a
jean jacket with six pockets, and square tails; a velveteen waistcoat
with plated buttons; corduroy breeches buttoned at the knees; rig-and-fur
stockings; and heavy, clanking wooden clogs. The other, who was little
and round-shouldered, with a bull neck and bushy black whiskers, just
like a shoebrush stuck to each cheek of his head, as if he had been a
travelling agent for Macassar, had on a low-crowned, plated beaver hat,
with the end of a peacock's feather stuck in the band; a long-tailed old
black coat, as brown as a berry, and as bare as my loof, to say nothing
of being out at both elbows. His trowsers, I dare say, had once been
nankeen; but as they did not appear to have seen the washing-tub for a
season or two, it would be rash to give any decided opinion on that head.
In short, they were two awful-like raggamuffins.

Women, however, are aye sympathizing and merciful; so, as I was standing
among the crowd, as they came down the tolbooth stair, chained together
by the cuffs of the coat, one said, "Wae's me! what a weel-faur'd fellow,
wi' the red head, to be found guilty of stealing folk's hen-houses."--And
another one said, "Hech, sirs! what a bonny blackaviced man that little
ane is, to be paraded through the strees for a warld's wonder!" But I
said nothing, knowing the thing was just, and a wholesome example;
holding Benjie on my shoulder to see the poukit hens tied about their
necks like keeking-glasses. But, puh! the fellows did not give one pinch
of snuff; so off they set, and in this manner were drummed through the
bounds of the parish, a constable walking at each side of them with
Lochaber axes, and the town-drummer row-de-dowing the thief's march at
their backs. It was a humbling sight.

My heart was sorrowful, notwithstanding the ills they had done me and
mine, by the nefarious pillaging of our hen-house, to see two human
creatures, of the same flesh and blood as myself, undergoing the
righteous sentence of the law, in a manner so degrading to themselves,
and so pitiful to all that beheld them. But, nevertheless, considering
what they had done, they neither deserved, nor did they seem to care for
commiseration, holding up their brazen faces as if they had been taking a
pleasure walk for the benefit of their health, and the poukit hens, that
dangled before them, ornaments of their bravery. The whole crowd, young
and old, followed them from one end of the town to the other, liking to
ding one another over, so anxious were they to get a sight of what was
going on; but when they came to the gate-end, they stopped and gave the
ne'er-do-weels three cheers. What think you did the ne'er-do-weels do in
return? Fie shame! they took off their old scrapers and gave a huzza
too; clapping their hands behind them, in a manner as deplorable to
relate as it was shocking to behold.

Their chains--the things, ye know, that held their cuffs together--were
by this time taken off, along with the poukit hens, which I fancy the
town-offishers took home and cooked for their dinner; so they shook hands
with the drummer, wishing him a good-day and a pleasant walk home,
brushing away on the road to Edinburgh, where their wives and weans, who
had no doubt made a good supper on the spuilzie of the hens, had one away
before, maybe to have something comfortable for their arrival, their walk
being likely to give them an appetite.

Had they taken away all the rest of the hens, and only left the bantams,
on which they must have found but desperate little eating, and the muffed
one, I would have cared less; it being from several circumstances a pet
one in the family, having been brought in a blackbird's cage by the
carrier from Lauder, from my wife's mother, in a present to Benjie on his
birth-day. The creature almost grat himself blind, when he heard of our
having seen it roasting in a string by the legs before the fire, and
found its bonny muffed head in a corner.

But let alone likings, the callant was otherwise a loser in its death,
she having regularly laid a caller egg to him every morning, which he got
along with his tea and bread, to the no small benefit of his health,
being, as I have taken occasion to remark before, far from being
robusteous in the constitution. I am sure I know one thing, and that is,
that I would have willingly given the louns a crown-piece to have
preserved it alive, hen though it was of my own; but no--the bloody deed
was over and done, before we were aware that the poor thing's life was
sacrificed.

The names of the two Eirishers were John Dochart and Dennis Flint, both,
according to their own deponement, from the county of Tipperary; and weel-
a-wat the place has no great credit in producing two such bairns. Often,
after that, did I look through that part of the Advertizer newspapers,
that has a list of all the accidents, and so on, just above the births,
marriages, and deaths, which I liked to read regularly. Howsoever, it
was two years before I discovered their names again, having it seems,
during a great part of that period, lived under the forged name of Alias;
and I saw that they were both shipped off at Leith, for transportation to
some country called the Hulks, for being habit and repute thieves, and
for having made a practice of coining bad silver. The thing, however,
that condemned them, was for having knocked down a drunk man, in a
beastly state of intoxication, on the King's highway in broad daylight;
and having robbed him of his hat, wig, and neckcloth, an upper and under
vest, a coat and great-coat, a pair of Hessian boots which he had on his
legs, a silver watch with four brass seals and a key, besides a snuff-box
made of box-wood, with an invisible hinge, one of the Lawrencekirk breed,
a pair of specs, some odd halfpennies, and a Camperdown pocket-napkin.

But of all months of the year--or maybe, indeed, of my blessed
lifetime--this one was the most adventurous. It seemed, indeed, as if
some especial curse of Providence hung over the canny town of Dalkeith;
and that, like the great cities of the plain, we were at long and last to
be burnt up from the face of the earth with a shower of fire and
brimstone.

Just three days after the drumming of the two Eirish ne'er-do-weels, a
deaf and dumb woman came in prophesying at our back door, offering to
spae fortunes. She was tall and thin, an unco witch-looking creature,
with a runkled brow, sunbrunt haffits, and two sharp piercing eyes, like
a hawk's, whose glance went through ye like the cut and thrust of a two-
edged sword. On her head she had a tawdry brownish black bonnet, that
had not improved from two three years' tholing of sun and wind; a thin
rag of a grey duffle mantle was thrown over her shoulders, below which
was a checked shortgown of gingham stripe, and a green glazed manco
petticoat. Her shoon were terrible bauchles, and her grey worsted
stockings, to hide the holes in them, were all dragooned down about her
heels. On the whole, she was rather, I must confess, an out-of-the-way
creature; and though I had not muckle faith in these bodies that pretend
to see further through a millstone than their neighbours, I somehow or
other, taking pity on her miserable condition, being still a
fellow-creature, though plain in the lugs, had not the heart to huff her
out; more by token, as Nanse, Benjie, and the new prentice Mungo, had by
this time got round me, all dying to know what grand fortunes waited them
in the years of their after pilgrimage. Sinful creatures that we are!
not content with the insight into its ways that Providence affords us,
but diving beyond our deeps, only to flounder into the whirlpools of
error. Is it not clear, that had it been for our good, all things would
have been revealed to us; and is it not as clear, that not a wink of
sound sleep would we ever have got, had all the ills that have crossed
our paths been ranged up before our een, like great black towering
mountains of darkness? How could we have found contentment in our goods
and gear, if we saw them melting from us next year like snow from a dyke;
how could we sit down on the elbow-chair of ease, could we see the
misfortunes that may make next week a black one; or how could we look a
kind friend in the face without tears, could we see him, ere a month
maybe was gone, lying streiked beneath his winding-sheet, his eyes closed
for evermore, and his mirth hushed to an awful silence! No, no, let us
rest content that Heaven decrees what is best for us: let us do our duty
as men and Christians, and every thing, both here and hereafter, will
work together for our good.

Having taken a piece of chalk out of her big, greasy, leather pouch, she
wrote down on the table, "Your wife, your son, and your prentice." This
was rather curious, and every one of them, a wee thunderstruck like,
cried out as they held up their hands, "Losh me! did onybody ever see or
hear tell of the like o' that? She's no canny!"--It was gey droll, I
thought; and I was aware from the Witch of Endor, and sundry mentions in
the Old Testament, that things out of the course of nature have more than
once been permitted to happen; so I reckoned it but right to give the
poor woman a fair hearing, as she deserved.

"Oh!" said Nanse to me, "ye ken our Benjie's eight year auld; see if she
kens; ask her how old he is."

I had scarcely written down the question, when she wrote beneath it, "The
bonny laddie, your only son, is eight year old: He'll be an admiral yet."

"An admiral!" said his mother; "that's gey and extraordinar. I never
kenned he had ony inkling for the seafaring line; and I thought, Mansie,
you intended bringing him up to your ain trade. But, howsoever, ye're
wrong ye see. I tell't ye he wad either make a spoon or spoil a horn. I
tell't ye, ower and ower again, that he would be either something or
naething; what think ye o' that noo?--See if she kens that Mungo comes
from the country; and where the Lammermoor hills is."

When I had put down the question, in a jiffie she wrote down beside it,
"That boy comes from the high green hills, and his name is Mungo."

Dog on it! this astonished us more and more, and fairly bamboozled my
understanding; as I thought there surely must be some league and paction
with the Old One; but the further in the deeper. She then pointed to my
wife, writing down, "Your name is Nancy"--and turning to me, as she made
some dumbie signs, she chalked down, "Your name is Mansie Wauch, that
saved the precious life of an old bedridden woman from the fire; and will
soon get a lottery ticket of twenty thousand pounds."

Knowing the truth of the rest of what she had said, I could not help
jumping on the floor with joy, and seeing that she was up to every thing,
as plain as if it had happened in her presence. The good news set us all
a skipping like young lambs, my wife and the laddies clapping their hands
as if they had found a fiddle; so, jealousing they might lose their
discretion in their mirth, I turned round to the three, holding up my
hand, and saying, "In the name o' Gudeness, dinna mention this to ony
leeving sowl; as, mind ye, I havena taken out the ticket yet. The doing
so might not only set them to the sinful envying of our good fortune, as
forbidden in the tenth commandment, but might lead away ourselves to be
gutting our fish before we get them."

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