The Infernal Marriage
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Benjamin Disraeli >> The Infernal Marriage
Proserpine threw her arms round the neck of her husband, and, hiding her
face in his breast, wept.
'Rash mortal, you demand that which is not in the power of Pluto to
concede,' said Lachesis.
'I have heard much of treason since my entrance into Hades,' replied
Orpheus, 'and this sounds like it.'
'Mortal!' exclaimed Clotho, with contempt.
'Nor is it in your power to return, sir,' said Tisiphone, shaking her
whip.
'We have accounts to settle with you,' said Megaera.
'Spare her, spare her,' murmured Proserpine to her lover.
'King of Hades!' said Lachesis, with much dignity, 'I hold a
responsible office in your realm, and I claim the constitutional
privilege of your attention. I protest against the undue influence
of the Queen. She is a power unknown in our constitution, and an
irresponsible agent that I will not recognise. Let her go back to the
drawing-room, where all will bow to her.'
'Hag!' exclaimed Proserpine. 'King of Hades, I, too, can appeal to you.
Have I accepted your crown to be insulted by your subjects?'
'A subject, may it please your Majesty, who has duties as strictly
defined by our infernal constitution as those of your royal spouse;
duties, too, which, let me tell you, madam, I and _my order_ are
resolved to perform.'
'Gods of Olympus!' cried Proserpine. 'Is this to be a Queen?'
'Before we proceed further in this discussion,' said Lachesis, 'I must
move an inquiry into the conduct of his Excellency the Governor of the
Gates. I move, then, that Cerberus be summoned.
Pluto started, and the blood rose to his dark cheek. 'I have not yet had
an opportunity of mentioning,' said his Majesty, in a low tone, and with
an air of considerable confusion, 'that I have thought fit, as a reward
for his past services, to promote Cerberus to the office of the Master
of the Hounds. He therefore is no longer responsible.'
'O-h!' shrieked the Furies, as they elevated their hideous eyes.
'The constitution has invested your Majesty with a power in the
appointment of your Officers of State which your Majesty has undoubtedly
a right to exercise,' said Lachesis. 'What degree of discretion it
anticipated in the exercise, it is now unnecessary, and would be
extremely disagreeable, to discuss. I shall not venture to inquire by
what new influence your Majesty has been guided in the present instance.
The consequence of your Majesty's conduct is obvious, in the very
difficult situation in which your realm is now placed. For myself and my
colleagues, I have only to observe that we decline, under this crisis,
any further responsibility; and the distaff and the shears are at your
Majesty's service the moment your Majesty may find convenient successors
to the present holders. As a last favour, in addition to the many we are
proud to remember we have received from your Majesty, we entreat that we
may be relieved from their burthen as quickly as possible.' (Loud cheers
from the Eumenides.)
'We had better recall Cerberus,' said Pluto, alarmed, 'and send this
mortal about his business.'
'Not without Eurydice. Oh! not without Eurydice,' said the Queen.
'Silence, Proserpine!' said Pluto.
'May it please your Majesty,' said Lachesis, 'I am doubtful whether we
have the power of expelling anyone from Hades. It is not less the law
that a mortal cannot remain here; and it is too notorious for me to
mention the fact that none here have the power of inflicting death.'
'Of what use are all your laws,' exclaimed Proserpine, 'if they are only
to perplex us? As there are no statutes to guide us, it is obvious that
the King's will is supreme. Let Orpheus depart, then, with his bride.'
'The latter suggestion is clearly illegal,' said Lachesis.
'Lachesis, and ye, her sisters,' said Proserpine, 'forget, I beseech
you, any warm words that may have passed between us, and, as a personal
favour to one who would willingly be your friend, release Eurydice.
What! you shake your heads! Nay; of what importance can be a single
miserable shade, and one, too, summoned so cruelly before her time, in
these thickly-peopled regions?'
''Tis the principle,' said Lachesis; ''tis the principle. Concession is
ever fatal, however slight. Grant this demand; others, and greater, will
quickly follow. Mercy becomes a precedent, and the realm is ruined.'
'Ruined!' echoed the Furies.
'And I say _preserved!_' exclaimed Proserpine with energy. 'The State is
in confusion, and you yourselves confess that you know not how to remedy
it. Unable to suggest a course, follow mine. I am the advocate of
mercy; I am the advocate of concession; and, as you despise all higher
impulses, I meet you on your own grounds. I am their advocate for the
sake of policy, of expediency.'
'Never!' said the Fates.
'Never!' shrieked the Furies.
'What, then, will you do with Orpheus?'
The Parcae shook their heads; even the Eumenides were silent.
'Then you are unable to carry on the King's government; for Orpheus must
be disposed of; all agree to that. Pluto, reject these counsellors, at
once insulting and incapable. Give me the distaff and the fatal shears.
At once form a new Cabinet; and let the release of Orpheus and Eurydice
be the basis of their policy.' She threw her arms round his neck and
whispered in his ear.
Pluto was perplexed; his confidence in the Parcae was shaken. A
difficulty had occurred with which they could not cope. It was true the
difficulty had been occasioned by a departure from their own exclusive
and restrictive policy. It was clear that the gates of Hell ought never
to have been opened to the stranger; but opened they had been. Forced to
decide, he decided on the side of _expediency_, and signed a decree for
the departure of Orpheus and Eurydice. The Parcas immediately resigned
their posts, and the Furies walked off in a huff. Thus, on the third day
of the Infernal Marriage, Pluto found that he had quarrelled with all
his family, and that his ancient administration was broken up. The King
was without a friend, and Hell was without a Government!
PART II.
_A Visit to Elysium_
LET us change the scene from Hades to Olympus.
A chariot drawn by dragons hovered over that superb palace whose
sparkling steps of lapislazuli were once pressed by the daring foot of
Ixion. It descended into the beautiful gardens, and Ceres, stepping out,
sought the presence of Jove.
'Father of gods and men,' said the majestic mother of Proserpine,
'listen to a distracted parent! All my hopes were centred in my
daughter, the daughter of whom you have deprived me. Is it for this that
I endured the pangs of childbirth? Is it for this that I suckled her
on this miserable bosom? Is it for this that I tended her girlish
innocence, watched with vigilant fondness the development of her
youthful mind, and cultured with a thousand graces and accomplishments
her gifted and unrivalled promise? to lose her for ever!'
'Beloved Bona Dea,' replied Jove, 'calm yourself!'
'Jupiter, you forget that I am a mother.'
'It is the recollection of that happy circumstance that alone should
make you satisfied.'
'Do you mock me? Where is my daughter?'
'In the very situation you should desire. In her destiny all is
fulfilled which the most affectionate mother could hope. What was the
object of all your care and all her accomplishments? a good parti; and
she has found one.'
'To reign in Hell!'
'"Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." What! would you have
had her a cup-bearer, like Hebe, or a messenger, like Hermes? Was
the daughter of Jove and Ceres to be destined to a mere place in our
household! Lady! she is the object of envy to half the goddesses. Bating
our own bed, which she could not share, what lot more distinguished than
hers? Recollect that goddesses, who desire a becoming match, have a
very limited circle to elect from. Even Venus was obliged to put up with
Vulcan. It will not do to be too nice. Thank your stars that she is not
an old maid like Minerva.'
'But Mars? he loved her.'
'A young officer only with his half-pay, however good his connections,
is surely not a proper mate for our daughter.'
'Apollo?'
'I have no opinion of a literary son-in-law. These scribblers are at
present the fashion, and are very well to ask to dinner; but I confess a
more intimate connection with them is not at all to my taste.'
'I meet Apollo everywhere.'
'The truth is, he is courted because every one is afraid of him. He is
the editor of a daily journal, and under the pretence of throwing light
upon every subject, brings a great many disagreeable things into notice,
which is excessively inconvenient. Nobody likes to be paragraphed; and
for my part I should only be too happy to extinguish the Sun and every
other newspaper were it only in my power.'
'But Pluto is so old, and so ugly, and, all agree, so ill-tempered.'
'He has a splendid income, a magnificent estate; his settlements are
worthy of his means. This ought to satisfy a mother; and his political
influence is necessary to me, and this satisfies a father.'
'But the heart-----'
'As for that, she fancies she loves him; and whether she do or not,
these feelings, we know, never last. Rest assured, my dear Ceres, that
our girl has made a brilliant match, in spite of the gloomy atmosphere
in which she has to reside.'
'It must end in misery. I know Proserpine. I confess it with tears, she
is a spoiled child.'
'This may occasion Pluto many uneasy moments; but that is nothing to you
or me. Between ourselves, I shall not be at all surprised if she plague
his life out.'
'But how can she consort with the Fates? How is it possible for her
to associate with the Furies? She, who is used to the gayest and most
amiable society in the world? Indeed, indeed, 'tis an ill-assorted
union!'
'They are united, however; and, take my word for it, my dear madam, that
you had better leave Pluto alone. The interference of a mother-in-law is
proverbially never very felicitous.'
In the meantime affairs went on swimmingly in Tartarus. The obstinate
Fates and the sulky Furies were unwittingly the cause of universal
satisfaction. Everyone enjoyed himself, and enjoyment when it is
unexpected is doubly satisfactory. Tantalus, Sisyphus, and Ixion, for
the first time during their punishment, had an opportunity for a little
conversation.
'Long live our reforming Queen,' said the ex-king of Lydia. 'You
cannot conceive, my dear companions, anything more delightful than this
long-coveted draught of cold water; its flavour far surpasses the memory
of my choicest wines. And as for this delicious fruit, one must live
in a hot climate, like our present one, sufficiently to appreciate
its refreshing gust. I would, my dear friends, you could only share my
banquet.'
'Your Majesty is very kind,' replied Sisyphus, 'but it seems to me that
nothing in the world will ever induce me again to move. One must have
toiled for ages to comprehend the rapturous sense of repose that now
pervades my exhausted frame. Is it possible that that damned stone can
really have disappeared?'
'You say truly,' said Ixion, 'the couches of Olympus cannot compare with
this resting wheel.'
'Noble Sisyphus,' rejoined Tantalus, 'we are both of us acquainted with
the cause of our companion's presence in those infernal regions, since
his daring exploit has had the good fortune of being celebrated by one
of the fashionable authors of this part of the world.'
'I have never had time to read his work,' interrupted Ixion. 'What sort
of a fellow is he?'
'One of the most conceited dogs that I ever met with,' replied the King.
'He thinks he is a great genius, and perhaps he has some little talent
for the extravagant.'
'Are there any critics in Hell?'
'Myriads. They abound about the marshes of Cocytus, where they croak
furiously. They are all to a man against our author.'
'That speaks more to his credit than his own self-opinion,' rejoined
Ixion.
'_A nous moutons!_' exclaimed Tantalus; 'I was about to observe that
I am curious to learn for what reason our friend Sisyphus was doomed to
his late terrible exertions.'
'For the simplest in the world,' replied the object of the inquiry;
'because I was not a hypocrite. No one ever led a pleasanter life than
myself, and no one was more popular in society. I was considered, as
they phrased it, the most long-headed prince of my time, and was in
truth a finished man of the world. I had not an acquaintance whom I had
not taken in, and gods and men alike favoured me. In an unlucky moment,
however, I offended the infernal deities, and it was then suddenly
discovered that I was the most abandoned character of my age. You know
the rest.'
'You seem,' exclaimed Tantalus, 'to be relating my own history; for I
myself led a reckless career with impunity, until some of the gods did
me the honour of dining with me, and were dissatisfied with the repast.
I am convinced myself that, provided a man frequent the temples, and
observe with strictness the sacred festivals, such is the force of
public opinion, that there is no crime which he may not commit without
hazard.'
'Long live hypocrisy!' exclaimed Ixion. 'It is not my forte. But if I
began life anew, I would be more observant in my sacrifices.'
'Who could have anticipated this wonderful revolution!' exclaimed
Sisyphus, stretching himself. 'I wonder what will occur next! Perhaps we
shall be all released.'
'You say truly,' said Ixion. 'I am grateful to our reforming Queen;
but I have no idea of stopping here. This cursed wheel indeed no longer
whirls; but I confess my expectations will be much disappointed if I
cannot free myself from these adamantine bonds that fix me to its orb.'
'And one cannot drink water for ever,' said Tantalus.
'D--n all half measures,' said Ixion. 'We must proceed in this system of
amelioration.'
'Without doubt,' responded his companion.
'The Queen must have a party,' continued the audacious lover of Juno.
'The Fates and the Furies never can be conciliated. It is evident to me
that she must fall unless she unbinds these chains of mine.'
'And grants me full liberty of egress and regress,' exclaimed Sisyphus.
'And me a bottle of the finest golden wine of Lydia,' said Tantalus.
The infernal honeymoon was over. A cloud appeared in the hitherto serene
heaven of the royal lovers. Proserpine became unwell. A mysterious
languor pervaded her frame; her accustomed hilarity deserted her. She
gave up her daily rides; she never quitted the palace, scarcely her
chamber. All day long she remained lying on a sofa, and whenever Pluto
endeavoured to console her she went into hysterics. His Majesty was
quite miserable, and the Fates and the Furies began to hold up their
heads. The two court physicians could throw no light upon the complaint,
which baffled all their remedies. These, indeed, were not numerous,
for the two physicians possessed each only one idea. With one every
complaint was nervous; the other traced everything to the liver. The
name of the first was Dr. Blue-Devil; and of the other Dr. Blue-Pill.
They were most eminent men.
Her Majesty, getting worse every day, Pluto, in despair, determined to
send for AEsculapius. It was a long way to send for a physician; but then
he was the most fashionable one in the world. He cared not how far he
travelled to visit a patient, because he was paid by the mile; and it
was calculated that his fee for quitting earth, and attending the Queen
of Hell, would allow him to leave off business.
What a wise physician was AEsculapius! Physic was his abhorrence. He
never was known, in the whole course of his practice, ever to have
prescribed a single drug. He was a handsome man, with a flowing beard
curiously perfumed, and a robe of the choicest purple. He twirled a cane
of agate, round which was twined a serpent of precious stones, the gift
of Juno, and he rode in a chariot drawn by horses of the Sun. When he
visited Proserpine, he neither examined her tongue nor felt her pulse,
but gave her an account of a fancy ball which he had attended the last
evening he passed on _terra firma_. His details were so interesting that
the Queen soon felt better. The next day he renewed his visit, and gave
her an account of a new singer that had appeared at Ephesus. The effect
of this recital was so satisfactory, that a bulletin in the evening
announced that the Queen was convalescent. The third day AEsculapius
took his departure, having previously enjoined change of scene for her
Majesty, and a visit to the Elysian Fields!
'Heh, heh!' shrieked Tisiphone.
'Hah, hah!' squeaked Megaera.
'Hoh, hoh!' moaned Alecto.
'Now or never,'said the infernal sisters. 'There is a decided reaction.
The moment she embarks, unquestionably we will flare up.' So they ran
off to the Fates.
'We must be prudent,' said Clotho.
'Our time is not come,' remarked Lachesis.
'I wish the reaction was more decided,' said Atropos; 'but it is a
great thing that they are going to be parted, for the King must remain.'
The opposition party, although aiming at the same result, was therefore
evidently divided as to the means by which it was to be obtained. The
sanguine Furies were for fighting it out at once, and talked bravely
of the strong conservative spirit only dormant in Tartarus. Even the
Radicals themselves are dissatisfied: Tantalus is no longer contented
with water, or Ixion with repose. But the circumspect Fates felt that a
false step at present could never be regained. They talked, therefore,
of watching events. Both divisions, however, agreed that the royal
embarkation was to be the signal for renewed intrigues and renovated
exertions.
When Proserpine was assured that she must be parted for a time from
Pluto, she was inconsolable. They passed the night in sorrowful
embraces. She vowed that she could not live a day without him, and that
she certainly should die before she reached the first post. The mighty
heart of the King of Hades was torn to pieces with contending emotions.
In the agony of his overwhelming passion the security of his realm
seemed of secondary importance compared with the happiness of his wife.
Fear and hatred of the Parcae and the Eumenides equalled, however,
in the breast of Proserpine, her affection for her husband. The
consciousness that his absence would be a signal for a revolution, and
that the crown of Tartarus might be lost to her expected offspring,
animated her with a spirit of heroism. She reconciled herself to the
terrible separation, on condition that Pluto wrote to her every day.
'Adieu! my best, my only beloved!' ejaculated the unhappy Queen; 'do not
forget me for a moment; and let nothing in the world induce you to speak
to any of those horrid people. I know them; I know exactly what they
will be at: the moment I am gone they will commence their intrigues for
the restoration of the reign of doom and torture. Do not listen to them,
my Pluto. Sooner than have recourse to them, seek assistance from their
former victims.'
'Calm yourself, my Proserpine. Anticipate no evil. I shall be firm; do
not doubt me. I will cling with tenacity to that _juste milieu_ under
which we have hitherto so eminently prospered. Neither the Parcae and the
Eumenides, nor Ixion and his friends, shall advance a point. I will keep
each faction in awe by the bugbear of the other's supremacy. Trust me, I
am a profound politician.'
It was determined that the progress of Proserpine to the Elysian Fields
should be celebrated with a pomp and magnificence becoming her exalted
station. The day of her departure was proclaimed as a high festival in
Hell. Tiresias, absent on a secret mission, had been summoned back by
Pluto, and appointed to attend her Majesty during her journey and her
visit, for Pluto had the greatest confidence in his discretion. Besides,
as her Majesty had not at present the advantage of any female society,
it was necessary that she should be amused; and Tiresias, though
old, ugly, and blind, was a wit as well as a philosopher, the most
distinguished diplomatist of his age, and considered the best company in
Hades.
An immense crowd was assembled round the gates of the palace on the morn
of the royal departure. With what anxious curiosity did they watch those
huge brazen portals! Every precaution was taken for the accommodation of
the public. The streets were lined with troops of extraordinary stature,
whose nodding plumes prevented the multitude from catching a glimpse of
anything that passed, and who cracked the skulls of the populace with
their scimitars if they attempted in the slightest degree to break the
line. Moreover, there were seats erected which any one might occupy at
a reasonable rate; but the lord steward, who had the disposal of the
tickets, purchased them all for himself, and then resold them to his
fellow-subjects at an enormous price.
At length the hinges of the gigantic portals gave an ominous creak,
and, amid the huzzas of men and the shrieks of women, the procession
commenced.
First came the infernal band. It consisted of five hundred performers,
mounted on different animals. Never was such a melodious blast. Fifty
trumpeters, mounted on zebras of all possible stripes and tints, and
working away at huge ramshorns with their cheeks like pumpkins. Then
there were bassoons mounted on bears, clarionets on camelopards, oboes
on unicorns, and troops of musicians on elephants, playing on real
serpents, whose prismatic bodies indulged in the most extraordinary
convolutions imaginable, and whose arrowy tongues glittered with superb
agitation at the exquisite sounds which they unintentionally delivered.
Animals there were, too, now unknown and forgotten; but I must not
forget the fellow who beat the kettledrums, mounted on an enormous
mammoth, and the din of whose reverberating blows would have deadened
the thunder of Olympus.
This enchanting harmony preceded the regiment of Proserpine's own
guards, glowing in adamantine armour and mounted on coal-black steeds.
Their helmets were quite awful, and surmounted by plumes plucked from
the wings of the Harpies, which were alone enough to terrify an earthly
host. It was droll to observe this troop of gigantic heroes commanded
by infants, who, however, were arrayed in a similar costume, though, of
course, on a smaller scale. But such was the admirable discipline of the
infernal forces, that, though lions to their enemies, they were Iambs to
their friends; and on the present occasion their colonel was carried in
a cradle.
After these came twelve most worshipful baboons, in most venerable wigs.
They were clothed with scarlet robes lined with ermine, and ornamented
with gold chains, and mounted on the most obstinate and inflexible mules
in Tartarus. These were the judges. Each was provided with a pannier of
choice cobnuts, which he cracked with great gravity, throwing the shells
to the multitude, an infernal ceremony, there held emblematic of their
profession.
The Lord Chancellor came next in a grand car. Although his wig was even
longer than those of his fellow functionaries, his manners and the rest
of his costume afforded a strange contrast to them. Apparently never
was such a droll, lively fellow. His dress was something between that of
Harlequin and Scaramouch. He amused himself by keeping in the air
four brazen balls at the same time, swallowing daggers, spitting fire,
turning sugar into salt, and eating yards of pink ribbon, which, after
being well digested, re-appeared through his nose. It is unnecessary to
add, after this, that he was the most popular Lord Chancellor that had
ever held the seals, and was received with loud and enthusiastic cheers,
which apparently repaid him for all his exertions. Notwithstanding his
numerous and curious occupations, I should not omit to add that his
Lordship, nevertheless, found time to lead by the nose a most meek and
milk-white jackass that immediately followed him, and which, in spite
of the remarkable length of its ears, seemed the object of great
veneration. There was evidently some mystery about this animal difficult
to penetrate. Among other characteristics, it was said, at different
seasons, to be distinguished by different titles; for sometimes it was
styled 'The Public,' at others 'Opinion,' and occasionally was saluted
as the 'King's Conscience.'
Now came a numerous company of Priests, in flowing and funereal robes,
bearing banners, inscribed with the various titles of their Queen; on
some was inscribed Hecate, on others Juno Inferna, on others Theogamia,
Libera on some, on others Cotytto. Those that bore banners were crowned
with wreaths of narcissus, and mounted on bulls blacker than night, and
of a severe and melancholy aspect. Others walked by their side, bearing
branches of cypress.
And here I must stop to notice a droll characteristic of the priestly
economy of Hades. To be a good pedestrian was considered an essential
virtue of an infernal clergyman; but to be mounted on a black bull was
the highest distinction of the craft. It followed, therefore, that,
originally, promotion to such a seat was the natural reward of any
priest who had distinguished himself in the humbler career of a good
walker; but in process of time, as even infernal as well as human
institutions are alike liable to corruption, the black bulls became
too often occupied by the halt and the crippled, the feeble and the
paralytic, who used their influence at Court to become thus exempted
from the performance of the severer duties of which they were incapable.
This violation of the priestly constitution excited at first great
murmurs among the abler but less influential brethren. But the murmurs
of the weak prove only the tyranny of the strong; and so completely in
the course of time do institutions depart from their original character,
that the imbecile riders of the black bulls now avowedly defended their
position on the very grounds which originally should have unseated
them, and openly maintained that it was very evident that the stout were
intended to walk, and the feeble to be carried.