Bertha Garlan

A >> Arthur Schnitzler >> Bertha Garlan

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

"I beg you, my dear girl, don't, please, let us have any more of these
mutual compliments! Tell me, what sort of a man was your late husband?"

"He was a good; indeed, I might say noble, man."

"Do you know, though, that I met your father about eight days
before he died?"

"Did you really?"

"Didn't you know?"

"I am certain he didn't tell me anything about it."

"We stood chatting with one another in the street for a quarter of an
hour, perhaps. I had just returned then from my first concert tour."

"Not a word did he tell me--not a single word!"

She spoke almost angrily, as though her father had, at that time,
neglected something that might have shaped her future life differently.

"But why didn't you come to see us in those days?" she continued. "How
did it happen at all that you had already suddenly ceased to visit us
some considerable time before my father's death?"

"Suddenly?--Gradually!"

He looked at her a long time; and now his eyes glided down over her whole
body, so that she mechanically drew in her feet under her dress, and
pressed her arms against her body, as though to defend herself.

"Well, how did it happen that you came to get married?"

She related the whole story. Emil listened to her, apparently with
attention, but as she spoke on and remained seated, he rose to his feet
and gazed out through the window.... When she had finished with a remark
about the good-nature of her relations, he said:

"Don't you think that we ought to look at a few pictures now that we are
here in the Museum?"

They walked slowly through the galleries, stopping here and there before
a picture.

"Lovely! Exquisite!" commented Bertha many a time, but Emil only nodded.

It seemed to Bertha that he had quite forgotten that he was with her. She
felt slightly jealous at the interest which the paintings roused in him.
Suddenly they found themselves before one of the pictures which she knew
from Herr Rupius' portfolio. Emil wanted to pass on, but she stopped and
greeted it, as she might an old acquaintance.

"Exquisite!" she exclaimed. "Emil, isn't it beautiful? On the whole, I
greatly admire Falckenborg's pictures."

He looked at her, somewhat surprised.

She became embarrassed, and tried to go on talking.

"Because such an immense quantity--because the whole world--"

She felt that this was dishonest, even that she was robbing some one
who could not defend himself; and accordingly she added, repentantly,
as it were:

"You must know, there's a man living in our little town who has an album,
or rather a portfolio, of engravings, and that's how I know the picture.
His name is Rupius, he is very infirm; just fancy, he is quite
paralysed."

She felt obliged to tell Emil all this, for it seemed to her as though
his eyes were unceasingly questioning her.

"That might be a chapter, too," he said, with a smile, when she had come
to an end; then he added more softly, as though ashamed of his indelicate
joke: "There must certainly also be gentlemen in that little town who are
not paralysed."

She felt that she had to take poor Herr Rupius under her protection.

"He is a very unhappy man," she said, and, remembering how she had sat
with him on the balcony the previous day, a feeling of great compassion
seized her.

But Emil was following his own train of thought.

"Yes," he said; "that is what I should really like to know--what
experiences you have had."

"You know them, already."

"I mean, since the death of your husband."

She understood now what he meant, and was a little offended.

"I live only for my boy," she said, with decision. "I do not allow men to
make love to me. I am quite respectable."

He had to laugh it the comically serious way in which she made this
confession of virtue. For her part, she felt at once that she ought to
have expressed herself differently, and so she laughed, too.

"How long are you going to stay, then, in Vienna?" asked Emil.

"Till to-morrow, or the day after to-morrow."

"So short a time as that? And where are you staying? I should like to
know."

"With my cousin," she replied.

Something restrained her from mentioning that she had put up at an
hotel. But immediately she was angry with herself for having told such a
stupid lie, and she was about to correct herself. Emil, however, broke
in quickly:

"Perhaps you will have a little time to spare for me, too? I hope so,
at least."

"Oh, yes!"

"So, then, we can arrange something now if you like"--he glanced at the
clock--"Ah!"

"Must you go?" she asked.

"Yes, by twelve o'clock I ought really to...."

She was seized with an intense uneasiness at the prospect of having to be
alone again so soon, and she said:

"I have plenty of time--as much as you like. But, of course, it must not
be too late."

"Is your cousin so strict then?"

"But--" she said, "this time, as a matter of fact, I'm not staying with
her, you see."

He looked at her in astonishment.

She grew red.

"Usually I do stay with her.... I mean, sometimes.... She has such a
large family, you know."

"So you are staying at an hotel," he said, rather impatiently. "Well,
there, of course, you are accountable to no one, and we can spend the
evening together quite comfortably."

"I shall be delighted. But I should like not to be too late ... even in
an hotel I should like not to be too late...."

"Of course not. We will just have supper, and you can be in bed long
before ten o'clock."

They paced slowly down the grand staircase.

"So, if you are agreeable," said Emil, "we will meet at seven o'clock."

She was on the point of replying: "So late as that?"--but,
remembering her resolution not to compromise herself, she refrained
and answered instead:

"Very well, at seven."

"Seven o'clock at ... where?... Out of doors, shall we say? In that
case we could go wherever we fancied, life would lie before us, so to
speak ... yes."

He seemed to her just then remarkably absent-minded. They went through
the entrance hall, and at the exit they stopped for a moment.

"At seven o'clock, then--by the Elizabeth Bridge."

"Very well; seven o'clock at the Elizabeth Bridge."

Before them lay the square, with the Maria Theresa memorial, in the
brilliant glare of the noonday sun. It was a warm day, but a very high
wind had arisen. It seemed to Bertha that Emil was looking at her with a
scrutinising glance. At the same time, he appeared to her cold and
strange, a very different man from what he had been when standing before
the pictures in the Museum.

"Now we will say good-bye for the present," he said, after a time.

It made her feel somewhat unhappy to think that he was going to
leave her.

"Won't you ... or can't I come with you a little way?" she said.

"Well, no," he answered. "Besides, it is blowing such a gale. There's not
much enjoyment to be had in walking side by side and having to hold your
hat all the time, for fear it should blow away. Generally, it is
difficult to converse if you are walking with a person in the street,
and then, too, I have to be in such a hurry.... But perhaps I can see you
to a carriage?"

"No, no, I shall walk."

"Yes, you can do that. Well, good-bye till we meet again this evening."

He stretched out his hand to her, and walked quickly away across the
square. She gazed after him for a long time. He had taken off his hat and
held it in his hand, and the wind was ruffling his hair. He went across
the Ring, then through the Town Gate, and disappeared from Bertha's view.

Mechanically, and very slowly, she had followed him. Why had he suddenly
grown so cold? Why had he taken his departure so quickly? Why didn't he
want her to accompany him? Was he ashamed of her? She looked down at
herself, wondering whether she was not dressed, after all, in a
countrified and ridiculous manner. Oh, no, it could not be that!
Moreover, she had been able to remark from the way in which people gazed
at her that she was not looking ludicrous, but, on the contrary,
decidedly pretty. Why, then, this sudden departure? She called to mind
the period of their previous acquaintance, and it seemed to her that she
could remember his having this strange manner even then. He would break
off a conversation quite unexpectedly, whilst he suddenly became as
though his thoughts had been carried away, and his whole being expressed
an impatience which he could not master.

Yes, she was certain that he had been like that in those days also,
though, perhaps, less strikingly so than now. She remembered, as well,
that she had sometimes make jokes on the subject of his capriciousness,
and had laid the responsibility at the door of his artistic temperament.
Since then he had become a greater artist, and certainly more absent and
irresponsible than ever.

The chimes of noon rang out from many a spire, the wind grew higher and
higher, dust flew into her eyes. She had a whole eternity before her,
with which she did not know what to do. Why wouldn't he see her, then,
until seven o'clock? Unconsciously, she had reckoned on his spending the
whole day with her. What was it that he had to do? Had he, perhaps, to
make his preparations for the concert? And she pictured him to herself,
violin in hand, by a cabinet, or leaning on a piano, just as, many years
ago, he had played before the company at her home. Yes, that would be
nice if she could only be with him now, sitting in his room, on a sofa,
while he played, or even accompanying him on the piano. Would she, then,
have gone with him if he had asked her? Why hadn't he asked her? No, of
course, he could not have done so within an hour of seeing her again....
But in the evening--wouldn't he ask her that evening? And would she go
with him? And, if she went, would she be able to deny him anything else
that he might ask her? Indeed, he had a way of expressing everything so
innocently. How easily he had managed to make those ten years seem as
nothing! Had he not spoken to her as if they had seen each other daily
all that time? "Good morning, Bertha. How are you, then?"--just as he
might have asked if, on the previous evening, he had wished her "Good
night!" and said "Good-bye till we meet again!" What a number of
experiences he must have had since then! And who could tell who might be
sitting on the sofa in his room that afternoon, while he leaned against
the piano and played the violin? Ah, no, she would not think of it. If
she followed up such thoughts to the end, would she not simply have to go
home again?

She walked past the railings of the public gardens, and could see the
avenue where, an hour ago, she had sat, and through which clouds of dust
were now sweeping. So, then, that for which she had so deeply yearned was
over--she had seen Emil again. Had it been so lovely as she expected? Had
she felt any particular emotion when walking by his side, his arm
touching hers? No! Had his departure put her out of humour? Perhaps.
Would she be able to go home again without seeing him once more? Good
heavens, no! And a sensation almost of terror thrilled through her at the
thought. Had not, then, her life during the past few days been, as it
were, obsessed by him? And all the years that lay behind her, had they
been meant for anything else, at all, than to lead her back to him at the
right moment? Ah, if she only had a little more experience, if she were
a little more worldly-wise! She would have liked to possess the
capability of marking out for herself a definite course.

She asked herself which would be the wiser--to be reserved or yielding?
She would gladly have known what she was to do that evening, what she
ought to do in order to win his heart with greater certainty. She felt
that any move on her part, one way or the other, might have the effect
of gaining him, or, just as well, of losing him. But she also realised
that all her meditation was of no avail, and that she would do just as
he wished.

She was in front of the Votive Church, a spot where many streets
intersected. The wind there was so violent as to be altogether
intolerable. It was time to dine. But she decided that she would not go
back to the little hotel that day. She turned towards the inner town. It
suddenly occurred to her that she might meet her cousin, but that was a
matter of supreme indifference to her. Or, supposing that her
brother-in-law had followed her to Vienna? But that thought did not worry
her either in the least. She had a feeling, such as she had never
experienced before, that she had the right to dispose of her person and
her time just as she pleased. She strolled leisurely along the streets,
and amused herself by looking at the shop windows. On the Stephansplatz
the idea came to her to go into the church for a while. In the dim, cool,
and immense building a profound sensation of comfort came over her. She
had never been of a religious disposition, but she could never enter a
place of worship without experiencing a devotional feeling and, without
clothing her prayers in definite form, she had yet always thought to find
a way to send up her wishes to Heaven. At first she wandered round the
church in the manner of a stranger visiting a beautiful edifice, then she
sat down in a pew before a small altar in a side chapel.

She called to mind the day on which she had been married, and she had a
vision of her late husband and herself standing side by side before the
priest--but the event seemed to be so infinitely far away in the past,
and it affected her spirit as little as if her thoughts were occupied by
strangers. But suddenly, as a picture changed in a magic lantern, she
seemed to see Emil, instead of her husband, standing by her side, and the
picture appeared to stand out so completely, without any co-operation on
the part of her will, that she almost had to regard as a premonition,
even as a prediction from Heaven itself. Mechanically, she folded her
hands and said softly: "So be it." And, as though her will acquired
thereby a further access of strength, she remained sitting in a pew a
while longer and sought to hold the picture fast.

After a few minutes she went out again into the street, where the broad
daylight and the din of the traffic affected her as something new,
something which she had not experienced for a long time, as though she
had spent whole hours in the church. She felt tranquil, and hopes seemed
to hover about her.

She dined in the restaurant of a fashionable hotel in the
Kaernthernstrasse.... She was not in the least embarrassed, and thought it
very childish that she had not preferred to put up at a first-class
hotel. On reaching her room again, she undressed and, such was the state
of languor into which she had fallen as the result of the unusually rich
meal and the wine she had taken, that she had to stretch herself out on
the sofa and fall asleep. It was five o'clock before she awoke. She had
no great desire to get up. Usually at that time ... what would she
probably have been doing at that moment if she had not come to Vienna? If
he had not answered her letter--if she had not written to him? If he had
not received that Order? If she had never seen his portrait in the
illustrated paper? If nothing had called his existence back into her
memory? If he had become an insignificant, unknown fiddler in some
suburban orchestra? What strange thoughts were these! Did she, then, love
him merely because he was celebrated? What did it all mean? Did she,
indeed, take any interest in his violin playing? ... Wouldn't he be
dearer to her if he was not famous and admired? Certainly in that case
she would have felt herself much nearer to him, much more allied to him;
in that case, she would not have had this feeling of uncertainty about
him, and also he would have been different in his manner towards her. As
it was, of course, he was, indeed, very charming, and yet ... she
realized it now ... something had come between them that day and had
sundered them. Yes, and that was nothing else than the fact that he was a
man whom the whole world knew, and she was nothing but a stupid little
woman from the country. Suddenly she pictured him to herself as he had
stood in the Rembrandt gallery at the Museum, and had looked out of the
window while she had been telling him the story of her life in the little
town; she remembered how he had scarcely bidden her good-bye, and how he
had gone away from her, indeed, absolutely fled away from her. But, then,
had she herself felt any emotion such as a woman would feel in the
presence of the man she loved? Had she been happy when he had been
speaking to her? Had she longed to kiss him when he was standing beside
her?... Not at all. And now--was she pleased at the prospect of the
evening she was going to spend with him? Was she pleased at the idea of
seeing him again in a couple of hours? If she had the power, simply by
expressing the wish, to transport herself just where she pleased, would
she not, perhaps, at that, moment, rather be at home, with her boy,
walking between the vine-trellises, without fear, without agitation, and
with a clear conscience; as a good mother and a respectable woman,
instead of lying in that uncomfortable room in the hotel, on a miserable
sofa, restlessly, yet without longing, awaiting the next hours? She
thought of the time, still so near, when all her concern was for nothing
save her boy, the household, and her lessons--had she not been contented,
almost happy?...

She looked round her. The bare room with the ugly blue and white painted
walls, the specks of dust and dirt on the ceiling, the cabinet with its
half-open door, all seemed most repulsive to her. No, that was no place
for her. Then she thought with displeasure, too, of the dinner in the
fashionable hotel, and also of her strolling about in the town, her
weariness, the wind and the dust. It seemed to her that she had been
wandering about like a tramp. Then another thought came to her: what if
something had happened at home!--Fritz might have caught the fever; they
would telegraph to her cousin at Vienna, or they might even come to look
for her, and they would not be able to find her, and all would know that
she had lied like any disreputable person whose purpose it suits to do
so.... It was terrible! How could she face them at home, her
sister-in-law, her brother-in-law, Elly, her grown-up nephew Richard ...
the whole town, which, of course, would hear the news at once.... Herr
Rupius! No, in good truth, she was not intended for such things! How
childishly and clumsily, after all, she had set about it, so that only
the slightest accident was needed to betray her. Had she, then, failed to
give the least thought to all these things? Had she only been obsessed
with the idea of seeing Emil once more, and for that had hazarded
everything ... her good name, even her whole future! For who could say
whether the family would not renounce her, and she would lose her music
lessons, if the truth came out?... The truth.... But what could come out?
What had happened, then? What had she to reproach herself with? And with
the comforting feeling of a clear conscience she was able boldly to
answer: "Nothing." And, of course, there was still time.... She could
leave Vienna directly by the seven o'clock train, be back by ten in her
own home, in her own cosy room, with her beloved boy.... Yes, she could;
to be sure, Fritz was not at home ... but she could have him brought
back.... No, she would not do it, she would not return at once ... there
was no occasion to do so--to-morrow morning would be quite time enough.
She would say good-bye to Emil that very evening.... Yes, she would
inform him at once that she was returning home early next morning, and
that her only reason in coming had been to press his hand once more. Yes,
that would be best.

Oh, he could, of course, accompany her to the hotel; and, goodness
knows, he could even have supper with her in the garden restaurant ...
and she would go away as she had come.... Besides, she would see from
his behaviour what he really felt towards her; she would be very
reserved, even cold; it would be quite easy for her to act in that way,
because she felt completely at her ease. It seemed to her as if all her
desires had fallen into slumber again, and she had a feeling akin to a
determination to remain respectable. As a young girl she had withstood
temptation, she had been faithful to her husband; her whole widowhood
had hitherto passed without attack.... Well, the long and the short of
it was: if he wished to make her his wife she would be very glad, but
she would reject any bolder proposal with the same austerity as ... as
... twelve years before, when he had showed her his window behind St.
Paul's Church.

She stood up, stretched herself, held up her hands, and went to the
window. The sky had become overcast, clouds were moving down from the
mountains, but the storm had subsided.

She got ready to go out.

VII

Bertha had hardly proceeded a few steps from the hotel when it began to
rain. Under her open umbrella she seemed to herself to be protected
against unwelcome attentions from people she might meet. A pleasant
fragrance was diffused throughout the air, as if the rain brought with it
the aroma of the neighbouring woods, shedding it over the town. Bertha
gave herself up wholly to the pleasure of the walk; even the object of
her outing appeared before her mind's eye only vaguely, as if seen
through a mist. She had at last grown so weary as the result of the
profusion of her changing feelings that she no longer felt anything at
all. She was without fear, without hope, without purpose. She walked on
past the gardens, across the Ring, and rejoiced in the humid fragrance of
the elder-trees. In the forenoon it had completely escaped her notice
that everything was beautiful in an array of violet blossoms. An idea
brought a smile to her lips: she went into a flower shop and bought a
little bunch of violets. As she raised the flowers to her lips, a great
tenderness came over her; she thought of the train going homewards at
seven o'clock, and she rejoiced, as if she had outwitted some one.

She walked slowly across the bridge, diagonally, and remembered how she
had crossed it a few days ago in order to reach the neighbourhood of her
former home, and to see Emil's window again. The throng of traffic at the
bridge was immense; two streams, one coming from the suburb into the
town, the other going in the opposite direction, poured by in confusion;
carriages of all kinds rolled past; the air resounded with the jingling
of bells, with whistling and with the shouts of drivers. Bertha tried to
stand still, but was pushed forward.

Suddenly she heard a whistle quite close by. A carriage pulled up, a head
leaned out of the window ... it was Emil. He made a sign to her to come
over to him. A few people immediately became attentive, and seemed very
anxious to hear what the young man had to say to the lady who had gone up
to his carriage.

"Will you get in?" Emil asked in a low voice.

"Get in...?"

"Why, yes, it is raining, you see!"

"Really, I would rather walk, if you don't mind."

"Just as you like," said Emil.

He got out quickly and paid the driver. Bertha observed, with some alarm,
that about half a dozen people, who were crowding round her, were very
anxious to see how this remarkable affair would turn out.

"Come," said Emil.

They quickly crossed the road, and thereby got away from the whole
throng. They then walked slowly along a less frequented street by the
bank of the Wien.

"Why, Emil, you haven't brought your umbrella with you!"

"Won't you take me under yours? Wait a moment, it won't do like this."

He took the umbrella out of her hand, held it over both of them, and
thrust his arm under hers. Now she felt that it was _his_ arm, and
rejoiced greatly.

"The country, unfortunately, is out of the question," he said.

"What a pity."

"Well, what have you been doing with yourself all day long?"

She told him about the fashionable restaurant, in which she had had
her dinner.

"Now, why on earth didn't I know about that? I thought you were dining
with your cousin. We might, of course, have had such a pleasant lunch
together!"

"You have had so much to do, I dare say," she said, a little proud at
being able to infuse a slight tone of sarcasm into her voice.

"Yes, that's true, in the afternoon, of course. I had to listen to half
an opera."

"Oh? How was that, then?"

"There was a young composer with me--a very talented fellow, in
his own way."

She was very glad to hear that. So that, then, was the way in which he
spent his afternoons.

He stood still and, without letting go her arm, looked into her face.

"Do you know that you have really grown much prettier? Yes, I am quite
serious about it! But, tell me, first of all, tell me candidly, how the
idea came to you to write to me."

"Why, I have already told you."

"Have you thought of me, then, all this time?"

"A great deal."

"When you were married, too?"

"Certainly, I have always thought of you. And you?"

"Often, very often."

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13