Etiquette
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Agnes H. Morton >> Etiquette
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10 ETIQUETTE
BY
AGNES H. MORTON
AUTHOR OF
"LETTER WRITING," "QUOTATIONS," &C.
GOOD MANNERS FOR ALL
PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY FOR
THOSE "WHO DWELL
WITHIN THE BROAD
ZONE OF THE AVERAGE"
(REVISED EDITION)
PHILADELPHIA
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY
1919
Copyright, 1892, By the Penn Publishing Company
Contents
INTRODUCTION
I. ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
II. VISITING CARDS
THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD. STYLE OF CARDS.
THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS.--
Cards for Men;
Cards for Women;
Cards for Young Women;
After Marriage Cards.
THE USE OF THE VISITING CARD.--
Calling in Person;
Card-leaving in Lieu of Personal Calls;
Cases in which Personal Card-leaving is Required;
Cards by Messenger or by Post;
Card-leaving by Proxy.
SOME FURTHER ILLUSTRATIONS OF CARD USAGE.
III. CEREMONIOUS CARDS AND INVITATIONS. ETIQUETTE OF REPLIES.
THE "HIGH TEA," OR MUSICALE, ETC.
WEDDING INVITATIONS.
DINNER INVITATIONS.
LUNCHEON AND BREAKFAST INVITATIONS.
IV. THE CONDUCT OF A CHURCH WEDDING
V. ENTERTAINING
VI. AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS AND TEAS
VII. THE DINNER SERVICE
REQUISITES FOR THE DINING-TABLE.
THE FORMAL ARRANGEMENT OF THE DINNER-TABLE.
THE ARRIVAL OF GUESTS, MEANWHILE.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER.
THE SERVING OF THE DINNER.
MISCELLANEOUS POINTS.
DINNER-TABLE TALK.
INFORMAL DINNERS.
VIII. LUNCHEONS
IX. SUPPERS
X. BREAKFASTS
XI. EVENING PARTIES
XII. THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
XIII. "THE STRANGER THAT IS WITHIN THY GATES"
XIV. "MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME"
XV. "AS THE TWIG IS BENT"
XVI. SOCIAL YOUNG AMERICA
XVII. THE AMERICAN CHAPERONE
XVIII. GREETINGS. RECOGNITIONS. INTRODUCTIONS
XIX. BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES
XX. IN PUBLIC ASSEMBLIES
XXI. BEARING AND SPEECH
XXII. SELF-COMMAND
XXIII. A FEW POINTS ON DRESS
XXIV. PERSONAL HABITS
XXV. SOCIAL CO-OPERATION
XXVI. ON THE WING
XXVII. ETIQUETTE OF GIFTS
XXVIII. GALLANTRY AND COQUETRY
XXIX. IN CONCLUSION
INTRODUCTION
As a rule, books of etiquette are written from the standpoint of the
ultra-fashionable circle. They give large space to the details of
behavior on occasions of extreme conventionality, and describe minutely
the conduct proper on state occasions. But the majority in every town
and village are people of moderate means and quiet habits of living, to
whom the extreme formalities of the world of fashion will always remain
something of an abstraction, and the knowledge of them is not of much
practical use except to the few who are reflective enough to infer
their own particular rule from any illustration of the general code.
Though it is interesting as a matter of information to know how a state
dinner is conducted, still, as a matter of fact, the dinners usually
given within this broad zone of "the average" are served without the
assistance of butler, footman, or florist; innocent of wines and minus
the more elaborate and expensive courses; and though served _a la
Russe_ the service is under the watchful supervision of the hostess
herself and executed by the more or less skillful hand of a demure
maid-servant. Yet, in all essential points, the laws of etiquette
controlling the conduct of this simple dinner of the American democrat
are the same as those observed in the ceremonious banquet of the
ambitious aristocrat. The degree of formality varies; the quality of
courtesy is unchanging.
Well-mannered people are those who are at all times thoughtfully
observant of _little_ proprieties Such people do not "forget their
manners" when away from home. They eat at the hotel table as daintily
and with as polite regard for the comfort of their nearest neighbor as
though they were among critical acquaintances. They never elbow
mercilessly through crowded theatre aisles, nor stand up in front of
others to see the pictures of a panorama, nor allow their children to
climb upon the car seats with muddy or rough-nailed shoes; nor do a
score of other things that every day are to be observed in public
places, the mortifying tell-tale marks of an _habitual_ ill-manners.
The importance of constant attention to points of etiquette cannot be
too earnestly emphasized. The long lecture of instruction to the
little Ruggles', preparatory to their visit to the Birds, is a
comical--if burlesque--illustration of the emergency that sometimes
faces some people, that of suddenly preparing to "behave themselves" on
a great occasion. Although the little Ruggles' were fired with
ambition to do themselves credit, their crude preparation was not equal
to the occasion. The best of intentions could not at once take the
place of established custom. One might as well hastily wrap himself in
a yard or two of uncut broadcloth expecting it to be transformed, by
instant miracle, into a coat. The garment must be cut and fitted, and
adjusted and worn for a space of time before it can become the
well-fitting habit, worn with the easy grace of unconsciousness which
marks the habitually well-mannered.
In this brief volume I have endeavored to suggest some of the
fundamental laws of good behavior in every-day life. It is hoped that
the conclusions reached, while not claiming to be either exhaustive or
infallible, may be useful as far as they go. Where authorities differ
as to forms I have stated the rule which has the most widespread
sanction of good usage.
ETIQUETTE
ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
Etiquette is the term applied to correct behavior in social life, and
refers to the manner of actions and the expression of a proper social
spirit through the medium of established forms and ceremonies. Polite
usage recognizes certain minute distinctions between the mannerly and
the unmannerly ways of performing every act of life that affects the
comfort and happiness of others.
By one whose experience in life has been a hardening process tending in
the direction of a crystallized selfishness the rules of etiquette are
regarded with contempt and alluded to with a sneer. No more
disheartening problem faces the social reformer than the question how
to overcome the bitter hostility to refined manners which marks the
ignorant "lower classes." On the other hand, there is no more hopeful
sign of progress in civilization than the gradual softening of these
hard natures under the influence of social amenities. The secret of
successful missionary work lies primarily, not in tracts, nor in
dogmas, nor in exhortations, but in the subtle attraction of a refined,
benevolent spirit, breathing its very self into the lives of those who
have hitherto known only the rasping, grasping selfishness of their
fellow-men, and to whom this new gospel of brotherly kindness and
deference is a marvelous revelation and inspiration. The result of
such missionary work is a triumph of sanctified courtesy, a triumph not
unworthy the disciples of Him who "went about doing good" while
teaching and exemplifying the "golden rule" upon which all rules of
etiquette, however "worldly," are based.
Perhaps it may sometimes seem that there is little relation, possibly
even some antagonism, between the sincerity of perfect courtesy and the
proprieties of formal etiquette. At times etiquette requires us to do
things that are not agreeable to our selfish impulses, and to say
things that are not literally true if our secret feelings were known.
But there is no instance wherein the laws of etiquette need transgress
the law of sincerity when the ultimate purpose of each action is to
develop and sustain social harmony.
Sometimes, for example, we invite people to visit us, and we pay visits
in return, when both occasions are, on the face of it, a bore. Yet
there may be good reasons why we should sacrifice any mere impulse of
choice and exert ourselves to manifest a hospitable spirit toward
certain people who are most uncongenial to us. Sometimes for the sake
of another who is dear to us, and who, in turn, is attached to these
same unattractive people, we make the third line of the triangle
cheerfully, and even gladly, no matter how onerous the task, how
distasteful the association forced upon us. These are not happy
experiences, but they are tests of character that we are all liable to
meet and which prove a most excellent discipline if they are met with
discretion and patience. Moreover, in the conscientious effort to be
agreeable to disagreeable people we are tacitly trying to persuade
ourselves that they are not so disagreeable after all, and indeed such
is our surprising discovery in many instances. Let us hope that others
who exercise a similar forbearance toward ourselves are equally
flattering in the conclusions which they reach.
Etiquette requires that we shall treat all people with equal courtesy,
given the same conditions. It has a tendency to ignore the
individuality of people. We may not slight one man simply because we
do not like him, nor may we publicly exhibit extreme preference for the
one whom we do like. In both cases the rebel against the restraints of
social mice shouts the charge of "insincerity." Well, perhaps some of
the impulses of sincerity are better held in check; they are too
closely allied to the humoring of our cherished prejudices. If "tact
consists in knowing what not to say," etiquette consists in knowing
what not to do in the direction of manifesting our impulsive likes and
dislikes.
Besides, etiquette is not so much a manifestation _toward others_ as it
is an exponent of _ourselves_. We are courteous to others, first of
all, because such behavior only is consistent with our own claim to be
well-bred.
Bearing this in mind we can behave with serenity in the presence of our
most aggravating foe; his worst manifestation of himself fails to
provoke us to retort in kind. We treat him politely, not because he
deserves it, but because we owe it to ourselves to be gentle-mannered.
Etiquette _begins at self_. There is no worthy deference to others
that does not rest on the basis of self-respect.
"To thine own self be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
It is a superficial judgment that descries nothing but insincerity in
the unvarying suavity of a well-bred manner; that regards the
conventional code of behavior as merely a device for rendering social
life artificial. The _raison d'etre_ is always to be found in the
established rules of etiquette; and probably the most exacting and
seemingly unnecessary of formalities has its foundation in some good
common sense principle not far removed in spirit from "the rule golden."
In short, manners and morals are twin shoots from the same root. The
essentially well-bred man is he whose manners are the polite expression
of moral principle, magnanimity, and benevolence.
VISITING CARDS
THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD
The personal, or visiting, card is the representative of the individual
whose name it bears. It goes where he himself would be entitled to
appear, and in his absence it is equivalent to his presence. It is his
"double," delegated to fill all social spaces which his
variously-occupied life would otherwise compel him to leave vacant.
Since the card is to be received as the equivalent of one's self, it is
important that it shall be discreetly sent upon its embassy. In every
case where personal cards are correctly used the owner is accredited
with having performed _de facto_ whatever the card expresses for him,
be it a "call," a "regret," a "congratulation," an "apology," an
"introduction," a "farewell-taking," or whatever.
The rules guiding the uses of visiting cards are based upon this idea
of representation. The deputy is on duty only in the absence of his
superior, so the card is usually superfluous when the owner himself is
present.
A card sent at a wrong time suggests the possibility that the owner
might blunder similarly in his personal appearing. The neglect to send
a card at a proper time is equivalent to a _personal_ neglect. The man
who comes himself and hands you his card also is apt to have too many
elbows at a dinner, too many feet at a ball. He has about him a
suggestion of awkward superfluousness that is subtly consistent with
his duplicate announcement of himself.
For want of the much-needed genderless singular pronoun I have been
using the masculine form; but upon reflection I remember that it is the
women of society who have the most diverse responsibility in the
management of personal cards, their duties extending even to the care
and oversight of the cards of their socially careless and negligent
male relatives. But no matter who attends to the proprieties, the
relation of the card to its owner is the same in all cases. If his
card blunders, he gets the discredit of it. If his card always
flutters gracefully into the salver at exactly the right time and
place, the glory is all his own, even though his tireless wife or
mother or sister has done all the hard thinking bestowed on the matter.
Happy the man allied by the ties of close kindred to a gifted society
woman, for lo! his cards shall never be found missing, wherever _he_
may stray.
STYLE OF CARDS
The prevailing shape of cards for women is nearly square (about 2 1/2 x
3 inches). A fine dull-finished card-board of medium weight and
stiffness is used.
A man's card is smaller, and narrower proportionately; and is of
slightly heavier card-board.
The color is pearl white, not cream. Tinted cards are not admissible.
The engraving is plain script, or elaborate text; as the fashion may
for the time decree.
The responsibility of furnishing the correct style of card rests with
the engraver, whose business it is to know the ruling fashion of the
day. Any one may have an elegant card by intrusting the choice to a
first-class stationer. But it is not half the battle to secure an
elegant card. An elegant use of the card distinguishes the
well-informed in social usage. This distinction shows when the
distribution of cards begins.
THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS
CARDS FOR MEN
If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved. If the names
are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the
initials of given names may be used. The former style is preferred,
when practicable.
In the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name--as
"Rev.," "Dr.," "Col.," etc.,--"Mr." is always prefixed. Good form
requires this on an engraved card. If in any emergency a man _writes_
his own name on a card he does _not_ prefix "Mr."
What titles may properly be used on a man's visiting-card? The
distinctions made in the use of titles seem arbitrary unless some
reason can be discovered.
The rule should be, to omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify
_transient offices_, or _occupations not related to social life_; using
such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is _for life_;
and which has become a part of the man's _identity_, or which is
distinctly allied to his _social conditions_.
To illustrate:--The rank of an officer in the army or the navy should
be indicated by title on his card, his connection with the service
being _for life_, and _a part of his identity_. His personal card is
engraved thus: "General Schofield"--the title in full when only the
surname is used; or, "Gen. Winfield Scott," "Gen. W. S. Hancock"--the
title abbreviated when the given names, or their initials, are used.
The first style is appropriate to the Commander-in-chief, or the senior
officer; or in any case where no other officer of the same name and
rank is on the roster.
Officers on the retired list, and veteran officers of the late war who
rose from the volunteer ranks, retain their titles by courtesy. And
very appropriately so, since the war record of many a gallant soldier
is inseparable from the man himself, in the minds of his
fellow-citizens. He may have retired to private life again, but his
distinguished services have outlived the brief hour of action; and his
hero-worshiping countrymen will always recognize him in his most
salient character, "every inch a soldier." It is quite impossible to
call him "Mr.," or at once to know who is meant if his card reads--for
instance--"Mr. Lucius Fairchild." Nothing but the title of his
well-earned rank gives an adequate idea of the man.
The official cards of political officers and ambassadors, which bear
the title and office of the man--with or without his name--should be
used only on official or State occasions, and during the term of
office. When the incumbent "steps down and out," this card is also
"relegated." His friends may continue to greet him as "Governor," but
he no longer _uses_ the title himself. In strictly social life, the
personal card of the ex-Governor is like that of any other private
citizen, subject to the same rules.
Similarly, professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an
advertisement of occupations are not allowable for social purposes.
The three "learned" professions, theology, medicine, and law, are
equally "for life." But the occupation of the lawyer is distinctly
related to business matters, and not at all to social affairs. His
title, or sub-title, _Esquire_, is properly ignored on his
visiting-card, and socially he is simply "Mr. John Livingstone." On
the other hand, the callings of the clergyman and the physician
respectively, are closely allied to the social side of life, closely
identified with the man himself. Therefore "Rev.," or "Dr." may with
propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the
name. The title is an important identifying mark, and its omission, by
the clergyman, at least, is not strictly dignified. "Office hours" are
not announced on a physician's social card.
It is not good form to use _merely honorary titles_ on visiting-cards.
In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office
or rank, and appear in society simply as "Mr. John Brown," to take his
chances in the social world strictly on his own merits; assured that if
he has any merit, other people will discover it without an ostentatious
reminder of it in the shape of a pompous visiting-card. Of course this
suggestion of democratic simplicity refers to the engraving of _one's
own card_; other people _address_ the man properly by his official or
honorary title, with all due respect for the worth which the world
recognizes--even though the wearer of such honors ignores his own claim
to high distinction. "Blow your own trumpet, if you would hear it
sound," is a sharply sarcastic bit of advice, since only hopeless
mediocrity could ever profit by the injunction. Real merit needs no
trumpeter. Mrs. Grant could afford to call her husband "Mr." Grant, as
was her modest custom; because all the world knew that he was the
General of our armies, and the President of the republic. It is some
"Mayor Puff," of Boomtown, who can hardly be persuaded by the engraver
from giving himself the satisfaction of incidentally announcing on his
visiting-cards the result of the last borough election.
A man's address may be engraved beneath his name at the lower right
corner, the street and number _only_ if in a city, or the name of a
country-seat if out of town; as, "The Leasowes." Bachelors who belong
to a club may add the club address in the lower left corner; or, if
they live altogether at the club, this address occupies the lower right
corner. An engraved address implies some permanency of location.
Those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit
this addition to the visiting-card, writing the address in any
emergency that requires it.
No _messages_ are _written_ on a man's card, and no penciling is
allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the
case of "_P. p. c._" cards, sent by post.
CARDS FOR WOMEN
The rules in regard to titles are simple and brief.
A woman's name should never appear on a visiting-card without either
"Mrs." or "Miss" prefixed. The exception would be in the case of women
who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine. Such are
entitled, like their brothers, to prefix "Rev." or "Dr." to their names.
A married woman's card is engraved with her husband's name, with the
prefix "Mrs." No matter how "titled" the husband may be, his _titles_
do not appear on his wife's visiting-card. The wife of the President
is not "Mrs. President Harrison," but "Mrs. Benjamin Harrison." She is
the wife of the _man_, not the wife of his _office_ or his _rank_.
A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her
husband's lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with
that of some other "Mrs. John Brown," whose husband is still living.
It is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name,
and to have her card engraved "Mrs. Mary Brown," or, if she chooses to
indicate her own patronymic, "Mrs. Mary Dexter Brown."
An unmarried woman's card is engraved with her full name, or the
initials of given names, as she prefers, but always with the prefix
"Miss" (unless one of the professional titles referred to takes its
place).
The address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner.
If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that fact
is announced in the lower left corner. If this is engraved, it is
understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient
arrangement. If a weekly "at home" day is observed, the name of the
day is engraved, as "Tuesdays." This means that during "calling hours"
on _any_ Tuesday the hostess will be found at home. If hours are
limited, that is also indicated, as "from 4 to 6." Further limitations
may be specified, as "Tuesdays in February," "Tuesdays until Lent,"
"Tuesdays after October," etc. Any definite idea of time may be given
to meet the facts, the wording being made as terse as possible. If the
regular "at home" day is Tuesday (unlimited), and the card is so
engraved, any of the special limitations may be penciled in to meet
special conditions. Sometimes an informal invitation is thus conveyed;
as, by the addition, "Tea, 4 to 6," etc.
_Other penciling_.--Cards left or sent, before leaving town, have "_P.
p. c._"--(_Pour prendre conge_)--penciled in the lower left corner.
A holiday, a birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a
friend's life may be remembered by sending a card, upon which is
penciled "Greeting," "Congratulations," "Best wishes," or some similar
expression. Such cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.
Any brief message may be penciled on a woman's card, provided the
message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social
courtesy. But the card message should not be sent when courtesy
requires the more explicit and respectful form of a _note_.
CARDS FOR YOUNG WOMEN
In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in
society, pays no visits alone. She accompanies her mother or chaperon.
She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written,
beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these
joint visits. After a year or so of social experience (the period
being governed by the youth or maturity of the debutante, or by the
exigency of making way for a younger sister to be chaperoned), the
young woman becomes an identity socially, and has her separate card,
subject to the general rules for women's cards, even though she
continues to pay her most formal visits in company with her mother.
AFTER MARRIAGE CARDS
During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: "Mr. and Mrs.
Henry Bell Joyce," may be used by the couple in paying calls, or
returning wedding civilities. Such cards are also used when jointly
sending presents at any time. For general visiting, after the first
year, husband and wife have separate cards.
THE USE OF THE VISITING-CARD
A too profuse use of visiting-cards indicates crudity. The trend of
fashion is toward restricting the quantity of paste-board, and
employing cards always when they are required, never when they are
superfluous.
CALLING IN PERSON
When one calls in person the name of the caller is given verbally to
the servant who opens the door. The card is not usually sent up,
except by a stranger. But sometimes there is difficulty in making the
servant understand the name or properly distinguish it from some other
similar name. In this case to avoid mistakes the card is sent up.
If the hostess is not at home a card is left by the disappointed caller.
On the occasion of a _first_ call a card is left on the hall table, or
other place provided, _even though the caller has been received by the
hostess_. This serves as a reminder that the acquaintance has been
duly and formally begun.
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